HELLO FRIENDS IT IS I, YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD FUCKINGRECIPES, HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY TRIP TO THE DENTIST.
SO I ARRIVE AND OF COURSE MY FANGS ARE KICKASS, BUT OH SHIT THAT SPOT OF SENSITIVITY ON MY EYETEETH ARE NOT THESE NATURAL LITTLE FUCKERS THAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE, BUT A WEARING AWAY OF ENAMEL!
‘fucking shit’ I THOUGHT, AS I STARED AT THE PICTURE OF MY GLORIOUS FANGS WITH THEIR TINY LITTLE SPOT OF EROSION.
'but i brush my teeth all the damn time! Crest anticavity protection has failed me!'
I VOICED THIS TO MY DENTIST, SHORTLY AFTER HE WRAPPED UP THE TRADITIONAL 'it wouldn’t bleed if you flossed more’ SPEECH. HE NODDED SAGELY, LIKE I HAD VOICED SOME LITTLE-KNOWN SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE.
'toothpaste erodes your enamel. It’s too strong.'
WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT BALLS FUCKERY IS THIS BULLSHIT?
'An experiment was done, where they took some teeth, out of people’s heads of course, and had a toothbrush machine put 7 years of wear on them via brushing in a fairly short time. Perfectly fine teeth, no difference between soft and hard bristle.’
AND THEN HE NARROWED HIS EYES, LIKE THE WORLD HAD BETRAYED HIM, AND HE WAS LOST IN HIS HEAD ON SOME SORT OF DARK VENGEANCE-QUEST.
'But once they added toothpaste - the Enamal started wearing away, and the teeth showed obvious signs of erosion.’
THEN HE SMILED, LIKE ONE OF THOSE ANIME PROTAGONISTS TRYING TO PRETEND THEY HADN’T JUST HAD A TRAGIC PAST FLASHBACK, AND WANTED TO REASSURE THEIR FRIENDS THAT EVERYTHING WAS A-OK.
I SWEAR I COULD SEE FUCKING SPARKLES AROUND HIS FACE.
'I’d much rather people brush their teeth 2-3 minutes, with just water, instead of a huge glop of toothpaste like the commercials show. Then again, a little freshness is nice. If you’re going to use it, a pea-sized bit of toothpaste, or less, is better. Flossing is essential, though!'
SO THERE’S YOUR WORDS OF WISDOM.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, YOU GORGEOUS MOTHERFUCKERS.