too often guilty

We’re too often guilty of thinking that our parents arrived on this planet as fully functioning adults on the day that we were born. That they don’t have pasts of their own prior to our birth. That the father is not also a son, that the mother is not also a child. My mother had a tough beginning, enduring things I know little about. And yet I often discount her pain and overvalue mine.
—  Lily and the Octopus by Steven Rowley 

Emily. 24. Taiwanese.

- I’m trying to combat my own internalized racism.

- Standing in solidarity with other POC, and it’s crucial that I acknowledge the differences in our experiences in terms of how we’re affected by white supremacy.

- I have a history of struggling with eating disorders and I’m in that awkward place where I still find it a compliment when people say they think I’m thin and delicate-looking, but also aware of the role that plays in fueling my ED. I’m trying to take responsibility for how I react to these things because realistically, I can’t always tell people they’re triggering me. It’s too tiring and happens too often. And I feel guilty because I’m still not sure of how I feel when people say certain things.

The YouNow Incident

Summary: Dan usually masturbates during Phil’s YouNows because he knows Phil wont notice then. But Phil decides to go scare Dan…. Smut ensues.

AN: I got the idea for this when Phil said in a YouNow that people should stop asking him to scare Dan because Dan can hear him talk. Also this is my first time ever writing smut soooo, don’t judge.

Words: about 1700

TW: Smut (duh)

A/N So this is my first phanfic, also my first smut, so I would appreciate advise, but please be nice.
Here’s the smut  (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

Dan hears Phil say all his hellos in the lounge, he has just started his weekly YouNow. Dan sighs in relief. The only time he knows that it is safe from Phil walking in to his room. He plug in his headphones so he doesn’t disturb Phil, Dan doesn't  always listen to music, sometimes the sound of Phil’s voice is the best thing. But he can’t do it too often without feeling guilty about getting off to his best friends voice.

Dan puts his Muse playlist on mix and hears the beginning of New Born, Phil’s favourite song. Dan mentally facepalms, he wanted to not think about Phil now.

He quickly unzips his skinny jeans and wriggles out of them. His boxers come off at the same time. Dan starts to stroke his cock easily holding back moans, he is not like in all the phanfictions where he is really loud.

Dan grabs his lube from the bedside table, covers his fingers in it and lowers his index finger down to start stretching himself.


Phil’s reads a premium message,
“I think your amazing Phil! No pun intended” Phil smiles, “thank you” he almost doesn’t say the username, it only reminds him of what he can’t have.

Phil notices that he hasn’t said anything for about 15 seconds and hurriedly looks into the chat and reads out loud “scare Dan”. He chuckles, why not?

“Okay guys, just this once, I’m going to talk more quietly and hope he hasn’t heard us.” He sneaks towards Dan’s door. “Shh” a shushes the computer, “stop typing into the chat so loudly.”

Phil adjusts his grip on his laptop so that Dan would be in view when he opens the door, Phil slowly reaches out towards the door handle, but then quickly yanks it open and yells “BOO!!”

For a split second Phil sees Dan on his bed with his fingers in his ass, but he quickly screams and rolls of the bed. Phil almost drops his computer, he has enough time to see the chat go crazy with “I KNEW DAN WAS A BOTTOM"s before he slams the lid of the Apple device down and shuts Dan’s door.

Phil then stands awkwardly outside of Dan’s door. He knocks and calls “I’m sorry, I’m so so so so sorry Dan”

He hears a muffled sound, like Dan is shouting into his pillow.

“Can I come in?” Phil thinks he hears Dan grunt a response so he carefully opens the door. Dan is in a ball of blankets with his face pressed into his pillow. If it hadn’t been this situation he would of thought it was cute and taken a photograph. He slowly walks over to Dan’s bed and carefully sits on the edge. He feels the bed dip down under his weight. Dan squirms, unfolding from his ball.

“I really am sorry Dan, I had no idea”

Dan lifts his head a little, “S'okay” he says heavily, “but you owe me big time now that the entire internet has seen… That” Dan tries to smile, but it looks awkward.

Phil leans down, so that he is lying down next to Dan and hugs him. Sometimes feeling are more easily told by not talking.
Dan squirms again, this time Phil understands why, he feels Dan’s hard on against his thigh.

“Phil, this isn’t helping” Dan sighs blushing a deep red. Phil knows that he should let go and leave Dan to it, but his arms aren’t listening to him, they do the opposite and pull Dan even closer to him.

“I could help” he whispers in a low voice, it took both him and Dan by surprise. But what surprised Phil even more is  Dan kissed him. Just lightly on the lips. Dan quickly pulled away though, blushing even more than before. “I’m sorry” he mumbles.
“That was inappropriate” he hides his face in his pillow again.

Phil quickly takes his  arms from around Dan, He brings them up to his face, guiding it to his own. Phil kisses him, the younger seems surprised at first but soon melts into it. Phil experimentally starts to open his mouth, Dan’s following and the older slips his tongue into Dan’s mouth. They are now making out passionately, hands roaming. Phil lifts the blanket and slips in under it.
Dan is still naked on his bottom half, Phil starts to play with the bottom of Dan’s shirt hoping that he is signalling that he want to take it off. Dan starts to take Phil’s off instead, Phil realising how dressed he is quickly pulls his t-shirt with marvel superhero weapons on it over his head. Dan’s fingers start to trace down Phil’s chest, making him gasp at the touch. Phil starts to kiss Dan’s neck, being careful not to leave any visible marks.

Phil’s jeans start to get uncomfortable tight so he starts to unbutton them, slowly easing down the zipper. He tries to wriggle out of them but fails miserably. He stops kissing Dan’s collarbones to look at him pleadingly.

Dan chuckles, “you spoon”

He flips Phil over and starts to crawls backwards down his body, placing kisses along the way. Dan kisses at Phil’s waistband and starts to pull down the tight black garment with the orders brightly coloured boxers. When Dan makes his way up again he kisses up Phil’s thighs, he momentarily sits up to pull his black t-shirt over his head. When he comes down again he wastes no time, he quickly engulfs Phil’s cock in his mouth.

Phil opens his mouth in a gasp, the younger mans actions had taken him by surprise. Phil brings his hands down to Dan’s hair and lightly pulls while moaning as he bobs his head, his tongue pressing pressure in all the right places. He pulls almost all the way off of Phil’s cock and sucks only on the tip, running his tongue through the slit which makes the older to arch his back off the bed and softly chant Dan’s name. Dan hums and the vibrations cause shocks of pleasure and pools in the pit of his stomach. He sinks down on Phil’s cock again and sucks gently.

Phil lets out a loud moan and pushes Dan’s head further down. He gets the memo and starts bobbing his head slower, but deeper than last time, Phil could feel his tip touch the back of Dan’s throat and panted his name again.

“Dan, I’m close”

Dan starts to bob his head even faster but then Phil pulls him up for a kiss, Dan frowning.

“I don’t wan’t to come yet” Phil says, still panting slightly. Dan nods his head.

In that moment Phil quickly flips them over and lifts Dan’s legs up so that his knees are agains his chest.

“Do you need more preparing” Phil asks hesitantly, a bead of sweat slowly running down his forehead.

“God no!”

Phil’s starts to slowly enter Dan’s already lubed hole, passing his ring of muscles.

“Phil, I’m fine just get in me already!” Dan practically shouts at Phil, he gave up on trying to by quiet.

Phil then suddenly thrusts all the way into Dan, bottoming out. Dan lets out another loud moan. When Phil doesn’t move he opens his closed eyes.

Phil is looking at him, his eyes full of love.

“Phil, just move already I told you I was ready!”


Phil abandons any type of carefulness and and starts pounding into Dan roughly. Angling himself trying to hit Dan’s prostate, he knows he’s found it when Dan moans Phil’s name even louder than before.

Phil lets out short grunts while he focuses on thrusting into Dan’s tight hole, the pleasure almost to strong.

“Dan, I’m gonna come!”

Dan clenches around Phil, the extra pressure making Phil start to cum.
His thrusts become more erratic and sloppy. Dan starts to come with him, both of them riding out their orgasms together.

When both of them have come down from those highs Phil slowly pulls out, Dan winces slightly at his over sensitivity. He lays down next to Dan.

“That was great, but it will make going back to a normal from really hard” Phil says, still panting.

“We have to go back to normal now?” Dan says quietly, slightly panicked. “I thought that was a invitation to something new” he whispers, and he hopes Phil didn’t hear it- Of course he did.

“I do want it to lead to something new, but I didn’t think you would because you where already into it when I came in, you weren’t thinking straight.”

“I’ve always had a crush on you, I was always just to shy to tell you, the older YouTuber would probably just think me some kind of starstruck teenager, just an annoying guy that is in love with you.” Dan freezes after realising what he’s said, after so many years of keeping it a secret, well trying to as the fans can see right through him, he had told Phil.

“Dan, I love you too” Phil says unashamedly.

Dan’s mouth opens and his eyes widen comically. ‘Phil Lester is in love with me!“ The only thought going through his mind in that moment.

"Dan, DAN! Are you okay?” Phil looks slightly worried now.

“Yes- I mean no”

Phil gulps

“You kinda just filmed me masturbating in front of 16 thousand people to see”

Phil turns even paler than he usually is.

“How are we going to deal with this” Phil says looking really upset and worried.

“I say worry about all the fans that got heart attacks” Dan giggles slightly.

Phil looks sceptical.

“Or even worse, all the grandmas that where watching that with their children” Dan starts bursting out laughing.

Phil laughs uncertainly

“All the peoples who’s innocence we just destroyed, all the gifs!” Dan is still laughing. Phil still looks mildly horrified as he laughs along Dan, which makes him laugh even harder.

“Phil, you are so lucky that I have loved you for a long time, or I would be out that door right now, now come here and cuddle with me before we have to deal with the shitstorm on the social medias”

Phil’s gladly wraps his arms around Dan.

The End *cringes*