An AU Where... Something Happens, I Forget
Author Notes: Crack!fics are fun. Not sure if my twist of humor is gonna come across the page right, and this is split up in multiple scenes like some kind of AMV Hell in written word, but, welp, we’ll see I guess.
(This was my Patreon fic for @cozymochi but it’s too beautiful and ridiculous not to share so here ya go.)
Title: An AU Where…Something Happens, I Forget
Long, long ago in a deep, dark civilization beyond a towering range of… wait, what was I saying? A story? I’m supposed to be narrating a story, you say? Oh! Huh. Well. That’s interesting.
A young girl climbed out of the jeep she was driving through the mostly uninhabited mountain range. Well, uninhabited by humans, at least.
She stretched and yawned, the word “Bulma” written clear as day across her pink dress. After rubbing her eyes, the girl held up the little radar in her hand. Dots blinked on and off on the circular radar, indicating two objects nearby and one not too far off into the mountains.
The girl frowned and blinked at her current setting before whispering to herself. “What am I doing all the way out here?”
With a confused shrug, the girl, presumably named Bulma, climbed back into the jeep. Starting the engine, she turned the vehicle around and headed back the way she had come.
All while curious thoughts flashed through her mind, failing to recall why she was so far from home.
Strolling through the forest, Goku looked around the area. It was always nice to appreciate the nature all around. The monkeys were especially playful. He knew that much.
But he could have sworn there was something important he had to do. If only he could remember what it was…
He scratched his head, pausing in his walk to ponder his purpose for being out in the woods instead of watching over his grandfather’s last possession. Tail flicking behind him, Goku frowned.
What had he been doing? Sometimes his memory wasn’t very nice. Forgetting things he should know.
When he spied a lizard crawling up a tree, Goku rushed over to the animal and peered at it with his hands at his knees. “Hey, lizard bro, do ya know what I was doing?”
The animal only stared in silence, tongue flicking out before crawling further up the tree.
“Oh, you don’t, huh?” Goku hummed. “Well, that’s disappoin -”
A stomach growl interrupted his train of thought. Instantly, his face lit up, laughing to himself. Goku lost no more time and ran off through the forest like a little man on a mission.
“Oh right!” He exclaimed. “Food!”
Somehow, these two characters find each other. I forget how. Don’t ask.
Either way, Goku and Bulma begin their quest for the dragon balls. Which are…uhm…wish orbs of some sort. I think.
The two start their adventures, meeting several other characters along the way. Oh, I remember. Goku picks up a cloud from… somebody…. Turtle something or other.
Eventually they get to a desert. With a pig in their party. Hm. When did he join? Oh, it doesn’t matter. Look – here comes Yamcha, the desert bandit.
“Hand over all your valuables!”
“Our what?” Goku tilted his head, unsure what this new character was asking. He turned to the pig beside him. “What’s he want, Oolong?”
Oolong was shaking as he held onto the child fighter. “You idiot! He’s trying to rob us. You can fight, right? Show him a thing or two!”
Yamcha laughed, brandishing his sword. “That would be ill-advised, my friends.”
Goku blinked, tail twitching. “Huh? Friends? Are we friends?”
He looked around. They were all standing around and talking together. He didn’t remember meeting Yamcha exactly, but that was the kind of thing friends did, right? Stand around and talk? Scratching his head, Goku groaned. If they were friends, then they must have just met.
Looking to Yamcha, he waited for an answer, since Oolong had gone quiet as well. Apparently, even the desert bandit guy was confused.
“Uhm. Well, no, I don’t think…” Yamcha muttered, staring at his sword. “Maybe we are, so I guess I should put this away.”
And so Yamcha and Pu'ar joined the party. I think that’s how it happened at least. I do seem to recall Pu'ar saying that Yamcha should kill them, but that’s not really important. Besides, Pu'ar is just a little flying cat-mouse-thing that only exists in Yamcha’s mind anyway. No harm done forgetting about him every once in a whlie.
So the journey continues.
The crew come across a huge mountain engulfed in flame. Except the fire quickly forgot it wanted to be burning for all eternity so it soon went out and there was no problem to solve.
Except the problem of the dragon ball…
“Why do you want this ole’ thing?” Chi-Chi asked, holding up a glowing orb. “It doesn’t look like much.”
Goku shrugged and then laughed. “I don’t know but I think we’re collecting them, so-”
“Promise to marry me when we grow up and I’ll give it to you!”
Goku blinked but then shrugged again. “Okay.”
Ah, young love.
Too bad they both forgot about that promise shortly after making it.
Sooner or later our adventurous group made it to Emperor Pilaf’s castle. A lot of confusing twists and turns occur here but I forget the exact order of events that the author relayed to me.
Anyway, our heroes end up trapped and the evil emperor gets the chance to make his wish for world domination…
“Why have you summoned me?”
Staring up at the dragon, arms spread in joyous glee, Emperor Pilaf soon found himself at a loss for words. “Oh… what was it again?”
While the great Emperor Pilaf fumbled for words and tried to remember his wish, the Eternal Dragon quickly lost his patience. He couldn’t remember what he had been doing before being summoned, but it was certainly better than this. He sighed as only a dragon could sigh and began to think of other things.
The mortals scrambled on the ground in desperation, but it wasn’t long until the Eternal Dragon forgot all about them.
Wondering why he was hovering here pointlessly in the sky, Shenlong decided he would much rather leave this dark Earth place and return to his dragon homeland.
And so the dragon left and the dragon balls dispersed all across the planet. All without granting any wish at all.
But at least the world was safe, right?
Tune in next time! Maybe the author will remember that he left the main heroes trapped in a castle by then.