Horoscopes by Gil Hizon - Week of May 21 - 27, 2017
If you’re struggling, at least make it look fierce, queen!
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
Part of why you’re so full of energy is because you have tentacles that can drain the life source of others around you. You have myriads of bitches who are running ragged because you’ve sucked them dry. What is the ultimate goal here, queen? To cause the earth to have a fucking power outage? You bettah be careful, gurr. One day, you’re gonna run out of hos to feed on.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Being called out by some bitch who matters is not the end of the world, dahling. It may be that this ho actually cares about what happens to yo ass and you can’t really blame her for being so goddamn caring. Don’t be so harsh on yourself either. The best thing to do right now is actually look at the critique and look into that shit. There may be something there.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Aaand just like that, you’re back to playful mode. After overcoming a major internal obstacle (it was all you, bitch) you’re a little bit more carefree about certain decisions you’re making. But I wouldn’t break out the champagne just yet. There is still some unfinished biznits left from that last chapter which could ruin your present if you don’t do something ‘bout it.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
When it comes to complaining and nitpicking, you’re the reigning queen. But what I’ve noticed is that when you’re surrounded by similar negative hos, you start to change your tune. All of a sudden, you’re Little Miss Motivational Fucking Speaker who likes to impart her words of wisdomz to make errbody feel better about themselves. I guess in the end, yo ass just likes to be contrary.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
To others, you seem together on the outside, but when you dive in your innards, you’ll find several demon queens who you’re constantly ignoring. But gurl, these evil hos are beginning to rise to the surface. No amount of putting on a good frontal can repress these vile creatures any longer. The earlier you can start dealing with them bitches, the earlier you can live a more authentic life.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
It ain’t gonna be fun when you find yourself in the middle of an intense, combative conversation. You thought you were just having fucking frittatas, for crying out loud! But, there is still a chance for escape. Once you have taken a deep breath, remember that these bitches who you’re conversating with are still your friends. Just because y’all are disagreeing on some shit, it don’t mean they don’t value yo ass.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
So like, you know how you look and you know how charming you can get. When you’re all carefree and touchy with hotties and shit, bitches be thinking that you’re hitting on ERRbody with a pulse. If you don’t want the stress of horny hos texting you at 3AM on a weekday morning looking for tail, then you’re gonna have to tone it down a bit.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your last few life maneuvers have made a lot of us wonder: what is this bitch on? I’m sure you’re doing something that works for you, but the rest of us are not hip to your script. Consequentially, we don’t know how to act around yo ass? We wanna be supportive but it would help us have your back if you let us in on your mental mechanismz a little bit.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
When it comes to pushing the envelope, you really are queen of the lipstick jungle. This week ain’t no different. You are willing to ruffle the fluffiest of feathers just so you can get your artistic expression across. But lady, with every action comes consequence, and it might be a wise decision for you to pay attention to possible aftermaths of your current behaviors. Just sayin.’
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
You seem to have a lot of radical opinions this week, with no documentation to back all them shits up. And look queen. I think your instincts are right, but before you hold a press conference for your latest theories and pontifications, at least have the energy to tell bitches that you may not have all the answers just yet. Trust and believe, your gut instinct and track record are always on fleek.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Time has just stretched itself out for you, giving yo ass a second chance for a do over. I don’t know about you, but that’s something that doesn’t happen to a lot of bitches that often. Not all of us get to take another crack at it. So take advantage of that shit and make sure to show compassion for the rest of your gays who are not so lucky as yo ass.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Suffice it to say that you’re not thinking right and you’re defensive AF. Not exactly the right recipe for opening up to your closest queens. And gurl, we’ve all been there. But if you preface it by saying that you’re not yourself, hos will be more apt to understand yo ass if your sudden defense mechanisms are looking like you’re attacking the shit out of your constituents. The more you trust your gurrs, the better you’ll B at sharing the T.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)
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