Please, tell me more about perfectionist harry!
So, inside this perfect human specimen that paps worship and other musicians lose their concentration over, is a type A, competitive, finicky person who studies Paul Simon’s percussive rhythms and reads Herman Hesse. He has cultivated a rare air of rock star cool, but he’s not like any other rock star. Inside his head are a thousand Chinese boxes where everything learned is tucked away just so.
• Buys presents in the exact size and color. If he wants a child’s Kenzo sweater in 4T ecru and it’s available in 4T eggshell? Get that eggshell shit out of his face. When the ecru arrives tomorrow? Please have it wrapped in the candy-stripe tissue paper and the gold foil box. Harry will be there at 3:00 PM (actually 3:47:12 on the Rolex Submariner) to pick it up. Thank you.
• Walks around his house in circles trying to think of the perfect word for his lyrics, like Gustave “The Bear” Flaubert with his one-sentence-per-day Madame Bovary-esque writing. Is it too much to ask for something comme ci, comme ça? Something wunderbar. Something excellent. Something magnifico. Something…great. Is it too much to ask for something great, Lou! I got it! –(Absent-mindedly, because it’s been two hours): That’s beautiful, Harry.
• Numbers the curls on his head so that they fall at exact angles for maximum coolness and sex appeal, no matter the length, regardless of haberdashery. Today’s forecast, wind from the northeast at 5 mph, with a relative humidity of 28%. Plan is for a blue beanie with curls 57 through 61 peeking from the right, at angles of 47 degrees relative to the face, ruffling at 5.2 mph, or 0.2 mph relative to wind speed if traveling in same direction. You know what that means, don’t you? 2.8 squirts of Tom Ford Black Orchid as a cloud walk through, but only after a base of Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery face cream.
• Counts sheep in esthetically varied colors, shapes, and sizes while going to sleep, never the same sheep twice, never falling asleep until the smallest sheep, a hopelessly long-haired lamb named Eileen, hoists her wee bottom over that pesky fence. Oh, Eileen.
• Pouts because he can’t get his trumpets in “Olivia.”
• Gets mermaid tattoo with pubic hair
• Is super competitive and is best at what he chooses to do. That’s not basketball.
• Rolls up one shirtsleeve higher than the other one by exactly 1.638 inches always.
• Buys jeans one size smaller and 420 oxygen molecules less than Mick Jagger always
• Knows that “matching swallows” does not mean “mirror image swallows” because 1. size difference and 2. eyebrows. Gets these details right.
• Is a cute drunk. Gets this right.
• Leaves exactly one fingernail unpainted on exactly THAT finger
• Cuts the collars of hoodies
• Captions IG photos with the minimum number of words, per hipster esthetic code. E.g. “Strong,” “No such green.”
• Makes laconic social statements through visual irony– see, black & white photo of the Super Bowl 2016 rainbow “Love” stadium.
• Picks perfect soulmate because no one else will do. Must be big spoon.
• Somehow gets soulmate’s tweet professing love to him to reach 2 million retweets on freaking Valentine’s Day.