tom kazansky

i am a tiny bit ashamed to admit this but i just watched the entirety of top gun with my friends bc of the archer danger zone video and you know what?? it’s just as gay as they say. when they’re not being loud in planes they’re all gay. maverick and iceman are in love, and by extension so are archer and barry. that’s all i got to say about it.

Don't Date Him Girl: Iceman

Move over, Thomas More. There’s a new man you shouldn’t date on the Internet. His name is Tom Kazansky, but he’s better known as Iceman.

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Yeah, I know he’s cute and smart and good at sports and cool enough to wear sunglasses inside the bar at night, but let me assure you – you do not want to date Iceman. I know that your obviously overloaded hormonal impulses will not heed a simple verbal warning, so I have prepared a detailed case for why, under no uncertain terms, would it be advisable to allow Iceman into your pants and/or heart.

Reason #1: What A Prick
In a world where the only real villains are faceless Russians flying technologically-advanced-yet-unattainable-by-the-American-military fighter jets, it stands to reason that Top Gun’s protagonist, that smug little shithead Maverick, should require a domestic adversary. This is no small feat, especially considering Maverick’s previously noted shitheadery and the fact that naval pilots are, on the whole, egocentric assholes who would sooner try anal on the first date than bother opening the car door for you first. But Top Gun delivered on it’s “the call is coming from inside the house!” antagonist, and because Val Kilmer is a master of the dramatical arts, Iceman is convincing as a total fucking prick.

First, he is publicly dismissive of the Maverick-Goose team in the initial briefing for Top Gun school. Which, fine, Iceman is a better pilot, but it’s just douchey to bring it up like that. Later that evening, Iceman casually insults Cougar, the rattled pilot who could have died in the opening sequence, even though the two were “like brothers” in flight school. This is a sign of Peak Assholery, everyone, because if a guy talks shit on his friends while claiming a non-existent bond to them in the same breath, then he’s certainly not going to be nice to you in the event that your dog/best friend/grandma dies.

With this and his later behavior in mind, one gets the feeling that Iceman’s preternatural good looks and intelligence have calloused him to the less fortunate among us, and unless he ejects from his plane and lands in a third world country where he is forced to experience abject poverty for years on end (and who knows, he could very well pull a Brando-in-Apocalypse Now move in that case), he’s not going to improve his attitude.

Reason #2: He’s Too Pretty
One of the biggest tricks our dirty parts play on us is making us think we want to be with people who are extremely good-looking. Our brains and genitals are hardwired to respond to aesthetically pleasing people, and the cushy, fleshy parts of ourselves are flooded with dopamine and other feel good chemicals when we entertain thoughts of letting ourselves receive all sorts of perversities from physically fit, symmetrically shaped, confident individuals. But we’ve all learned by now that our brains have been corroded by drugs and alcohol, and that our genitals can’t be trusted. Iceman may be nice to look at, but you wouldn’t want to get naked with him.

Think about the things we do to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex. And not just the small, inexpensive, superficial stuff, either, like flattering clothes and makeup and wildly improbable Internet profile photos. Think of the deeper, psychological makeovers we give ourselves on a sometimes minute-by-minute basis; the wishing, the praying, the self-loathing. And that’s before we stand in front of someone, naked and vulnerable and sucking in our tummies like anyone cares about them because they’re busy focusing on the boobs. We do this for regular people, can you even imagine if you were going to sleep with Iceman? Physical perfection is exhausting to achieve, and in my experience, the people who have it are the most critical of others. Iceman could very well be a sensitive, complimentary lover, but it’s more likely that he’d suggest you go to the gym and brush your goddamn hair before he allows himself to be seen in public with you again.

Reason #3: He Can’t Fight
Iceman is in top physical condition and one of the most elite members of the best trained military in the world, but when it comes to blows and a fight is imminent, what does this guy do?

Yeah. He air-bites. In a men’s locker room, too, which I think might be even gayer than using shampoo as lube in the showers.

This is not to say that fighting is the answer to all questions, or that it is even advisable in all but 2% of situations. Actually watching people physically altercate can be an unsettling and ugly experience, and certainly not one I want my boyfriend to participate in. But I’m an American who likes alcohol, meat, and instant gratification, so my basest desires call out for a man who can fight, even if he is too sophisticated to demonstrate this skill on a regular basis.

Reason #4: He’s Too Much of a Perfectionist
The key characteristic of Iceman is that he’s perfect. He flies perfect, he looks perfect, he demands perfection in others. This means that he won’t find your flaws charming, and that golden, hazy moment after a really amazing lay when you’re content to just lie there and breathe slowly, reliving the moment? He’s already jumped out of bed to take a hot shower, tsk-tsking the whole way about how your underthings are just thrown all over the room instead of neatly folded and put away like any civilized person would have done.

This kind of thing won’t motivate you to be a better person; it will drive you to hate yourself and spend way too money on therapy.

Reason #5: He’s a Moody Sonofabitch
For all his genetic gifts and well-earned skill, Iceman broods a hell of a lot. In nearly every shot of Top Gun where he’s not gloating, he’s clenching his jaw, shaking his head, or pursing his lips over what he feels to be some universal injustice.

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Buck up, man. You’re the best fighter pilot in the whole freaking world. Maverick is a buttplug-shaped loose cannon who will undoubtedly go down somewhere in the South China Sea after buzzing an atoll and showboating for some fisherman who really doesn’t give a damn. You’re set, dude. Cheer up.

Reason #6: He’s Way Too Close to Slider
While friendship is all well and good and, like we’ve mentioned, any guy who doesn’t have close friends is an asshole, some dudes’ friendships with their bros are too close. Iceman and Slider are a perfect example.

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It borders on romantic, frankly, and no matter how great you are in bed or how good of a cook you are or any other possible benefit you might bring to that relationship, you will never be as good for Iceman as Slider is, and they will both see to that.

Not only will Iceman ditch you in a second if Slider mentions that he got the UFC fight on pay-per-view, but Slider will actively work to keep his best friend single for as long as possible. This means that he’ll question everything about you, thus throwing all of Iceman’s feeling for you into jeopardy. Hey man, are you sure she’s hot enough? Your last girlfriend did that threesome for your birthday, would she do that, too? Do you think maybe she’s a lesbian? I don’t know, dude, I think she’s cheating on you. Hey, while we’re deployed, LET’S GO FUCK SOME WHORES.

You just can’t separate bros of this order. The woman who tries is doomed to fail, leaving it to the entire Internet to point out just how homoerotic stuff like this is:

Reason #7: He Has a Lot of Porn
You know he does. Now, I won’t begrudge someone for owning or enjoying porn, Tom Kazansky seems like the kind of guy who requires your active participation in his “hobby,” although maybe this is purely projection based on the very bad date I once had with an Air Force guy who, upon returning to his apartment, immediately sat down in front of his computer (which was in the living room) and insisted that I watch porn with him. This was the first date, by the way. I didn’t know his last name, but you can be damned sure that I was already well aware of my exit strategy.

The Bottom Line: Don’t Date Iceman
Dating Iceman would be an exercise in frustration, self-loathing, and Tom Skerritt interludes. Not recommended. Not at all.

(Most images taken from previous posts and may have been submitted/reblogged by other people, including but not limited to usual suspects such as fuckyeahvalkilmer, carlyinrome, suckmyrdj, and sharkinthedungeon, all of whom must own Top Gun and can probably recite from memory the DVD extras. Noted like this because I’m too lazy to look them up but still firmly believe that stealing - which includes not giving credit - is wrong.)

When Kristi and I started this RPG, I think I safely can say that neither of us thought it would take that road. Kristi didn’t even ship IceMav yet. I did, but I only wanted to RP as Maverick because he’d been haunting (in a good sense) me so much lately. And Maverick needed an Iceman.

And it’s just crazy how, with normal plots in a normal environment, the two of them have just kind of… lead us to this.