toilet seat spider

How To Survive Australia By An Australian

You’re going to die. Eventually. But with this list you might survive a couple days. A week maybe.

  • Check Under the Toilet Seat - major spider lurking area, also Toilet Rolls, Shower curtain, taps and in your towels.
  • If you see a spider, don’t touch it - don’t poke it. don’t go “aaaw look how cute it is, its so small”. don’t go anywhere near it without a shoe, a can of bug spray or a plastic container. the small ones are deadly too.
  • if you go swimming in the ocean - There’s either Sharks or Jellyfish… or both. DO NOT TOUCH THE JELLYFISH! if you get stung, pour vinegar on it or hot water and CALL THE AMBULANCE (in Australia it’s 000) 
  • DO NOT SAY PUT ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE - you sound like an idiot, everyone knows you’re a bloody tourist and they’re called prawns, not Shrimp. They’re fucking PRAWNS.
  • Swearing is a given - trust me. from the person that lets out a few f-bombs when they stub their toes to the one mate you have that every second word they say is a swear word. (try to avoid saying Cunt, its the most insulting one we have, unless you know the proper way to use it)
  • we like to bullshit. A Lot. - from telling whoppers to our mates, to fucking with the tourists Australia is filled with what we call bullshit artists.
  • Australia is HUGE - Like really, fucking big. to get from one side of Australia to the other it takes : - 5 hours (in a plane) 4-6 DAYS (by car) and 5 mins (by skype)
  • sunscreen sUNSCrEEN SUUUNNNSCRREEEEEN - unless you feel happy looking like a tomato and being in varying levels of pain for the entire duration of your trip. get it. wear it. trust me. 
  • Fishing Is a Must.
  • Snakes. they will eat you. - Australia won the terrifying animals contest. we have nearly all the most venomous snakes in the world. If you get bitten, you’re screwed. Try to get a picture or a decent look at the bugger that bit you and call 000 immediately. (even if its not so venomous you’re going to have 2 neat little bleeding holes in your body.
  • If you’re on mobile 112 is the equivalent of 000