toilet paper ghost

if you, like me, are visiting home this holiday season, and you notice your parents, who raised you and taught you to walk and speak, are using the most pathetic half-ply toilet paper available on the market, toilet paper probably intended for ghosts or people stuck between dimensions to wipe their asses with, please hook them up with something better. like buddy it’s gonna be a white christmas, i’m bringing the good shit. forget that stuff in the commercials where they drop a nickel on a wet square and it holds up, we’re dealing with hammocks for rolls of quarters here. 

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I have no idea what beer has to do with craft-making, but what do I care? At around $3 Canadian a can for a pint, I wasn’t about to argue. Instead, I started drinking the can featuring the pin-up girl and set up to make my favorite childhood craft item, the toilet paper ghost.

For those not familiar, one makes a toilet paper ghost out of toilet paper. First, roll a meatball-sized wad of TP, then drape more TP over it like a sheet. Then garrote the little fucker with something that will hold the head in place, apply googly eyes, and hang from anything in your house to add festive scariness. It’s fun and terrifying.

My American pale ale tasted a bit like socks steeped in juice that had coalesced at the bottom of a hot summer’s garbage bin. It smells a little like vinegar and a little like the last thing you’ll ever smell if you drink it. Is that why this is called “pale ale”? Because it rides in on Death’s pale horse? I’ve had India pale ales that didn’t taste like a fruit salad filtered out of a bear’s ass, so maybe this can had gone off. Nonetheless, I finished my craft and was pretty stoked by the stark and shocking realism of my ghosts.

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