todd cook

Rules for Alfred’s kitchen

- Master Bruce you are not allowed to cook under any circumstance.

- If I have not cleared you to use the kitchen please go straight to the take out menus in the left hand drawer.

- Science experiments are not to be done here. The Batcave is there for a reason. Please use it instead.

- I don’t want to find any of your weapons in here. If I do you will be on dish duty for a week per weapon.

- Jason may have full reign of the kitchen as I trust him to not blow it up

- Banned members from the kitchen now include Roy

- If you would like to learn to cook please just ask me. I promise it will be better then me finding my kitchen in a mess.

- If I catch you drinking straight out of any container you are on dish duty.

- Chemicals, especially those known to have poisons are not to come across the kitchen.

- If there is a food fight, I will check the cameras and all parties involved will be in trouble.

- I do not care if you are not a member of this household, I can still put you on dish duty for breaking my rules.

- Master Tim is now banned from the kitchen along with Master Dick.

Jason Todd is the type of dude who takes vitamins religiously and comes up with nutritious meal planning (with the help of Alfred) at least once a month. Damian pretends to only like coming over to Jason’s apartment to see the two stray cats Jason took in (and he denies they are his cats even though totally feeds them every night and lets him inside when it’s cold), but really it’s because good god Jason makes a damn good vegan roasted vegetable pesto. And if he is too tired to return to the cave and falls asleep on Jason’s surprisingly comfortable plush couch, the coconut milk fruit smoothies in the morning are just a bonus.

6

Emma Thompson, Very Serious Dramatic Actor™

Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion                                                      Eminently practical and yet appropriate, as always!                                    Oh, Mrs. Lovett                                                                                            How I’ve lived without you all these years I’ll never know!

sweeney todd but rather than cooking the dead bodies, mrs lovett poses them for pictures to catfish people with on gay dating apps. a little priest proceeds with lyrics unchanged. 

Things Jason Todd has eaten on a dare

• An old banana 

• A worm 

• A raw egg 

• A piece of bread soaked in apple juice 

• A fish stick dipped in jelly 

• Pickles with yogurt 

• Two month-old pasta Tim found in the back of his fridge 

• A button 

• A quarter 

• A handful of dry spaghetti noodles 

• A hamburger wrapper he found in an alley 

• Damian’s detention slip 

• A dead fish 

• Chocolate-covered ants 

• Ham flavored ice cream 

• Bruce’s cooking 

Cooking?

Jason Todd x reader

A/N: I hope you all love it.  I just got so bored and needed to write something.  I’m really in a writing mood right now so please send requests!!!!!!

    It had been a long night and he was just coming home from patrol.  Jason climbed up the fire escape just thinking about how angry she’d probably be.  Bruce always gave him crap about his jobs and his wounds then lectured him.  He could see it now.

    “Jason this is why we don’t go out looking for fights.  We’re supposed to defend the people.”


    “Why don’t we stop the fights before they can happen.  And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve taken care of about twenty seven drug lords in the past two weeks.”

    “By taken care of you mean kill.”

    “I don’t give a fuck about your no killing rules Bruce.  If they’re motivated they’ll come back.”

    “Not everyone gets resurrected in the Lazarus Pit, Jason.”

He just hoped you would understand.

Jason sneaks through the window and checks the area.  He doesn’t know why.  This is his apartment, but it’s a habit he made throughout the years from being under the radar.  The lights are on in the kitchen making the home itself look relaxing and calm.  He looks over at the living room.  The TV is on casting colors of light onto the wall like a rainbow.  He comes closer only to see her on the couch out cold.  He grinned when he saw her messy hair and how she was sprawled out on the couch in his t-shirt.  She probably tried to wait up for him again.  Jason scooped her up in his arms and took her to their room.

——

Jason woke up to light beams coming through his windows.  He reached out to pull her closer, but there was no one there.  He peeled his eyes open to look for any sign of her.  Then, he heard glass break in the kitchen and his heart stopped.  He grabbed his pocket knife that was sitting on the night stand and slowing made his way to the kitchen.

She was kneeling on the ground picking up glass from a shattered plate she had dropped.  The smell of burnt pancakes filled the room.  He sat the pocket knife on the kitchen counter and smirked down at her.

“Cooking?”

“Shut up,” she mumbled tossing the glass into the garbage can.  She flopped onto the couch covering her face with her hands. “I just wanted to make you breakfast.”

Jason walked over to the stove and turned off the burners eyeing the black pancakes.  He laughed,“I think you should leave the cooking to me.”

“You just think you’re a top chef because Alfred taught you how to cook.”  Jason bent down to her level and removed her hands from her face.  He grinned and kissed her nose.

“Babe I love you, but your cooking’s gonna put me in the hospital.”

“I’m not the one that’s gonna put you in the hospital,” she scolded and pulled up his shirt inspecting the new bruises littering his body.

“Babe…..”

“No,” she interrupted, “Shhh. Don’t speak just make me food. I’m starving.”

I’m sure someone must have talked about this and I’ve just missed it, but have we fully discussed the fact that IN CANON, Dirk has cooked at Todd’s house?

Did todd say don’t eat that because he’d tried it? Or because he saw what went in it?

Did dirk try to cook for both of them?

We’re they standing domestically in the kitchen cooking together?

Was dirk making a huge mess while todd ran around putting out fires?

Why did dirk cook in todd’s kitchen when he had his own in the building?

Did they go grocery shopping together?

Or does todd usually cook and had a stocked kitchen?

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS

anonymous asked:

You know what would be amazing? An JayTim au using Ratatouille movie. A story where Tim is Linguini and Jason is Colette Tatou...

ANON!!!! THATS AMAZING. IM GOING TO RIFF OF THIS OK

I see your Ratatouille AU and I raise you this.

How about an AU where Jay works as a chef at an elite mob-owned restaurant during the day. And by night he uses the info he gathered to take care of business.

The restaurant would be where all the head honchos in Gotham’s underworld go so there’s lots of sketchy dealings & insider info going through.

It’d be a pretty sweet gig for Jay honestly. The information comes easy and accurate so he’s not pulling stupid hours with the investigation side of vigilante work.

Red Hood manages to consistently stay one step ahead of everyone. by the time the police/the Bats get to where he’s at, he’s long since finished up his work and gone home.

THE CHEF JOB job is also real good bc Jay gets good food and does not have to live in the shittiest part of town for once. He’d have a good salary, and he’d finally have CLEAN MONEY that wasn’t earned through drugs. so he’s actually making an honest living and is able to buy a sweet ass condo that’s going to look so aesthetically pleasing in the chapter 20 scene where him and Chef Tim finally hook up [im getting there] 

And you know what, maybe Jay actually really likes cooking, and he likes his weird little half-domestic life he’s made for himself, and he gets recognized at work for his talent and hard work and it’s really nice!!! But perhaps, a little lonely. 

Things in the kitchen heat up when Tim weasels his way in for a case of his own. Except, you know, Tim doesn’t know how to cook, at all, he didn’t think that far ahead because he was so preoccupied with the actual CASE that he didn’t consider how he’d have to be a convincing chef for a few months. 

At first Jay is just beyond fucking annoyed that his stable life is being infringed upon by Tim who is ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS and doesnt even know how to make a kraft dinner never mind anything else .  and he’d be furious that Tim just poured a quart of black truffle oil into the risotto just because he he “saw it on the food network”

Eventually Jay stops grumping and starts showing Tim a few things about cooking, PURELY so he doesn’t blow his cover and fuck up Jason’s entire life which he actually likes for once.  

and maybe Tim likes it a lil more than he should, when Jay’s strong hands are guiding him n showin him how to use a rolling pin properly or how to turn on the stove or tenderize the fuck outta some 900dollar steak. heck maybe Tim starts to feign cluelessness just so Jay will keep giving him some after-hours lessons. 

anyway in the spirit of Cooking Mama I’m going to call this  Cooking Daddy.

furthermore I have listed some pros and cons to this AU:

pros of this AU: I can use this to push my tummy Jason agenda

Cons of this AU: that’s all i ever ask for so not one single con 

Jason/Alfred Headcanon:

Jason was always the kid who would sneak almost all of Alfred’s cooking. Being wise in the art of stealing, Jason usually wasn’t caught. But if he was, Alfred’s punishment would be the refusal to bake/cook and goodies. However, Jason was always prepared with a small stash hidden under a loose floor board he made ‘found’ under his bead.

Jason has been cooking since before he could properly reach the top of the stove.

From the first time he managed to turn his unappetizing, cold canned ravioli into steaming hot, cheesy goodness, he was hooked.

He makes a point to have a fully stocked, transportable spice rack that can be quickly moved between his safehouses in case he needs to leave in a hurry.

Jay loves food, he loves grocery shopping, and he loves preparing food. He’s great at bringing comfort foods to the next level. His Macaroni n’ cheese is made with four types of gourmet cheeses and coated with crushed red pepper. It’s absolutely divine.

But Jason’s true calling is baking. He makes a truly inspired soufflé. And his chocolate rum balls are to die for (just don’t ask him how much butter he puts in those things).

Jason stress bakes, which might sound amusing but is really more along the lines of terrifying. He’ll stalk around the kitchen with wild eyes, wielding a sharp cooking knife with dangerous proficiency.

By the time the baked goods are in the oven, flour will be smeared across the sharp cut of his cheekbones in a way that resembles war paint more than anything else.

Jason also never truly gets over the excitement of having ready access to fruits and vegetables. He incorporates veggies into almost all his meals. And he’s always snacking on a piece of fruit. Jay revels in the ability to afford the more expensive fruits like pomegranites and dragon fruit.

But his favorite fruits are the succulent, juicy fruits like plums and peaches that drip down your chin, the ones with juices that you have to lick off your fingers.

Dirk/Todd ship ask

@lovingvincent requested I do this for the ship ask. Send me your DGHDA ships and I’ll fill in the questions below accordingly!

Who Hogs the Duvet? I definitely think it would be Todd. In the first episode we saw Dirk sleeping above the covers in his bed, plus imagine Todd rolling over in his sleep and yanking all the sheets with him? Dirk doesn’t mind, but he will tease his cute boyfriend about it in the morning just to see Todd’s cheeks flush with embarrassment. 

Who Texts/Rings to check how the others day is going? Dirk for sure. He does it at the most inconvenient times to. He’ll be hiding from a rather dangerous suspect and he’ll just decide to text Todd to see what’s up because if the universe wanted that scary guy to find him/kill him it would’ve happened already, duh. Todd also does love the text messages he gets from Dirk, but at one point  his detective does mention in a text that maybe he might need saving send Farah or yourself please! Xx 

Who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts? Dirk! He’s very creative, he learned how to make cool things when he was in CIA holding. There wasn’t much to do and well, there was a lot of toilet paper, so he made a bouquet of thin papered roses almost every week. Eventually Riggins gives him a crafting kit. Dirk makes Todd wind chimes out of guitar picks he found lying around the apartment.

Who Gets Up First in the Morning? Todd does. He’s used to getting up at the crack of dawn for his old jobs, and every morning he sits at his coffee table with a hot cup of coffee resting between his hands and a cigarette hanging from his parted lips. He watches the sun rise over Seattle from his single apartment window and waits for Dirk to stir awake around noon. 

Who Suggests New Things in Bed? Todd. Dirk isn’t really experienced sexually so Todd usually has to take control in that area. 

Who Cries at Movies? Tbh, as obvious of a choice as it sounds it’s Dirk. One time Todd suggested they watch El Dorado and wtf Dirk just started bawling when Tulio was going to leave Miguel. Very emotional stuff. But one time Todd cried from laughing so hard at the sheer ridiculousness that is the Bee Movie. 

Who Gives Unprompted Messages? Dirk. He likes to send Todd pictures of cool rocks or things he sees at the grocery store. Sometimes he’ll send a funny video of the cat shark making growling sounds as it eats. Todd saves everything Dirk sends him. 

Who Fusses Over the Other When they’re Sick? Todd get’s very worried about Dirk one day when he see’s Dirk coughing up his lungs and sniffling a lot. When Todd presses the palm of his hand against Dirk’s forehead and feels the warmth of a fever. He makes Dirk go lay down in Todd’s bed and force feeds him chicken soup and holds his hair back when Dirk pukes. At one point Todd comes home from a trip to the store with every form of cold medication he could find and starts fixing up his ill lover. 

Who Gets Jealous Easiest? Dirk. One time Todd was getting flirted with at the bar they went to together and Dirk was not having it. Todd has never heard the word boyfriend used so much in a sentence before but by the point Dirk had finished the person who’d been flirting with him had left. 

Who Has the Most Embarrassing Taste in Music? Dirk. He loves K-pop and underground rave music. 

Who Collects Something Unusual? After Dirk brings home yet another trophy item from a case, this time it’s a hand sized frog statue Dirk ripped off the side of a crumbling fountain edge, Todd has to say enough. Or at least, Todd has to rent a storage space because there isn’t enough room in either of their apartments for this much memorabilia. 

Who Takes the Longest to get Ready? Both. Their bathrooms are cluttered with different skin and hair products, and Dirk takes to long trying to find a humorous tie to go with his vibrant outfit while Todd is still in the shower. 

Who is the Most Tidy/Organized? Todd! He needs his living space to be clear of clutter and to smell like Pine-Sol. Dirk likes to leave his dirty laundry all over the bedroom and every morning Todd silently murmurs curse words and picks all the crumpled articles and washes them while his lover is sleeping soundly. Todd also has to wash all the dishes they use because one time Dirk broke a plate in the sink and cut his thumb and now Todd doesn’t trust him to handle washing them.

Who Gets the Most Excited About Holidays? After having been locked away in CIA holding for so long Dirk never got to properly celebrate any holidays. Now whenever a holiday is coming around he and Todd buy every decoration offered for that Holiday and string them up all over the apartment. Dirk will also cut Heart shapes for Valentine’s day, Snowflakes for Christmas, and Bats for Halloween. 

Who is the Big Spoon/Little Spoon? Todd is the big spoon, Dirk curls up on his side and leans against Todd’s chest while Todd wraps his arms securely around his detective and listens to his breathing. 

Who Gets Most Competitive When Playing Games and or Sports? Both. One time they played a six hour game of Monopoly that ended with Todd throwing the board off the table and Dirk screaming his was the king and throwing the fake money at Todd. 

Who Starts the Most Arguments? Todd for sure. He has a lot of doubts about everything and it does occasionally frustrate Dirk. 

Who Suggest that they Buy a Pet? Well Dirk already has the shark kitten which does make Todd nervous as it can rip people literally in half but when the little guy is snoozing in Todd’s lap in the morning he decides that there is no pet better than Dirk’s and his cat.

What TV Shows do they Watch? Dirk is a huge Criminal Minds fan. He likes to judge the characters for needing to find clues and pretends he wasn’t totally surprised by that twist ending!! Todd will watch BoJack Horseman or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He likes his cynical humor okay. 

What Other Couples do they Hang Out With? Farah/Amanda, Amanda/The Rowdy 3, Amanda/Martin, Bart/Ken. There’s a lot they could be potentially hanging out with tbqh. 

How Do They Spend Time Together as a Couple? There’s a lot of snuggling at first. Dirk likes to go on long car drives and explore Seattle and Todd tries not to faint during his lovers hectic driving. They’ll solve new cases and eat a home cooked dinner together almost every night. 

Who Made the First Move? Dirk. After realizing Todd would be forever oblivious to his rather blatant flirting tactics, he finally made his first real move in the jeep when they were both exhausted from digging for Mr. Spring’s machine. Todd was leaning back in the passenger seat his eyes studying the stars above because in the city you barely got to see the night sky this clearly. His hands were folded across his chest and that’s when Dirk had the greatest idea. He slowly trailed his own hand across the small space between him and his assistant before lightly sliding it up Todd’s wrist, by now earning the heart fluttering attention of Todd who had unfolded his arms and held it limply out for Dirk to easily interlace their fingers in silent hand holding. They didn’t talk about it, but Todd and Dirk both clearly could feel the romantic tension suffocating them for the remainder of the night. 

Who Brings Flowers Home? Dirk see’s all these pretty bouquets of flowers at a flower stand in the park one day and decides to buy the whole cart of plants without a second thought. Todd’s tiny apartment is now flourishing with strong scented flowers and Todd admittedly did find it a nice surprise when he pushed open the door to find Dirk watering a load of flowers in his apartment. 

Who is the Best Cook? Todd. Todd can cook anything,he learned the skill in college when he had about three different room-mates who also couldn’t fend for themselves, someone had to learn the trait and Todd decided to pick it up. One day after taste testing Dirk’s bowl of brown mush that Dirk swore was supposed to be coca puffs and oatmeal mixed together, Todd teaches Dirk how to make some basic meals. When he tries to teach Dirk how to make bread, they both get covered in flour and have a mini spice war. Their kitchen as well as each other are covered in different spices, but they’re both laughing on the kitchen floor having a real swell time despite the mess.