A very fruity bowl of muesli🌟🍓🍓 filled with homemade granola, brown rice puffs, banana, strawberries, mango + coconut yoghurt😛 today is my last full at home before I go back to Perth for uni…which will be filled with packing, cleaning my room and hopefully one swim at my favourite beach. It’s been a good Summer break💦💛
U have no idea how happy I was when I read the update of centripetal force. I only started reading it yesterday and I was devastated at the ending of chapter 7. All I could think about today was "oh my god the last update was a few days ago which means I might have to wait for weeks for the next update how can I survive" but now I'm so happy omg
My mind is driving me crazy today. Last night I dreamt that V broke up with me in the same way C did- abruptly and with very little explanation. In the dream I was crying and begging him to just tell me what I did wrong so I could fix it. I woke up crying.
C broke up with me exactly six months from the day we met. On Monday it’ll be six months ago that I met V. Is my subconscious just bugging out? Who knows.
When I was in kindergarten I was best friends with a girl. Then a new girl came, and she was friends with both of us, but there were times when I felt like I was losing my original “best friend” to the new girl. My mother tells me I wrote her a letter in first grade apologizing for whatever I did wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’ve uncovered some childhood wounds in the past year - I used to think that stuff was bullshit especially because I had a great childhood- but I’ve learned that we are all wounded in our early childhood, one way or another. And a lot of the time it’s no one’s fault. It is almost always a simple misunderstanding - and being in a relationship brings them all up. But now that I know what my wounds are, I see them when they come up. The emotions come on so fast and strong - I’ve come to learn that that’s how I know they stem from past “trauma”. I recognize that while the current situation may be triggering them, they aren’t necessarily an appropriate reaction given what is actually going on. It’s a strong physiological response, that fight or flight mode. And I’ve reached the point where I recognize it and don’t act on it, but I still sit with the unpleasant feelings and sort of withdraw myself for awhile while I process things. This sometimes feels a bit flighty, but in those moments there is this split where I am both experiencing the emotions running through my body and observing them and knowing that they are not congruent with what is happening. A part of me regresses to a scared little girl with these things are triggered and I just watch it and try to send her love and tell her everything is okay. I’ve yet to reach the point where I’m able to quickly recover from this, but I do feel like I am making progress. V sometimes notices when it happens and I’m withdrawn. But it’s not the type of manipulative withdrawal where I’m trying to get attention, it’s just a need for me to process and see what’s actually going on before I speak about it. I usually wind up discussing it with him later once I’m out of the intense emotional state and able to share what was going on in a way that won’t put him on the defense. When I am in that intense emotional state, there is a strong desire blame the other person and not take responsibility for my shit…and I recognize that, so I keep my mouth shut and process it and talk about it later once the intense emotions have passed.
I’ve also realized in the past year that in all of my relationships, once they were over, I was very clearly able to look back on them and see the point in the first 3-6 months when I “should have” ended it and saved myself a lot of time and heartache. So now I have this part of me that’s always got my guard up, on the lookout for the things I was never able to see before. Just waiting for something to go wrong.
…but I also look back on my past relationships and see that if I had ended it at those times, I would have missed out on the opportunities for growth that the subsequent painful times offered me. When I look back on my life I can see that everything has happened in perfect timing and the sequence of events that have brought me to this moment seem to have been orchestrated by something bigger than me.
I keep coming back to remembering that all is well. I can’t think my way out of anything I’m meant to face. I need to remember my faith.
Another fear I have… I worry that I’m investing so much time and energy into something that isn’t mine. The van mostly (yes that was my dream before I met him and we are on our way to achieving it, but it’s HIS van. Ya know?) but other parts of this relationship as well. Like I live with him now, in his apartment, with his roommates/friends. And I love it there and I love all of them and they feel like family now and I feel like I belong. But there’s that nagging fear and the knowing that if this relationship were to end, it would be my life that would be totally uprooted and I’d be left with “nothing”. His life wouldn’t change very much except that I wouldn’t be there. It’s happened before. Am I making the same mistakes again? Have I really learned anything? So in recognizing that, I’ve started to think about what my life was like when I was single and remembering to do those things - like going to the gym in the mornings, etc. But also, when I was single, I was pretty lonely. I don’t really have any local friends so I spent a lot of time alone. It’s not like I’m ditching a friend group for this new one. My social life was pretty empty before this, so it would probably be better for me to just recognize this for the gift that it is while still maintaining the parts of my life that made me feel like “me” before.
I love him. He’s wonderful. He’s the first boyfriend who has ever made me feel at ease with myself and like I don’t need to change in order to be loved. Maybe I just need to trust in him more. I keep so much of this bottled up inside because I’m afraid of being too much, yet every time I have opened up to him, he’s been nothing but compassionate and supportive of me. I’m not used to it. I don’t know how to navigate it. I feel the urge come up to do the manipulative things I would do in my past relationships… pull away, make him miss me, withhold affection, keep my walls up, act like I don’t care. But I haven’t been acting on them. Because he’s not like the others and that wouldn’t be fair to him. It would actually hurt him, whereas in the past my partners have been oblivious to my distance. And so when I feel these urges, I don’t give into them. I combat them. If I’m feeling unloved it’s because I want love, and so instead of pulling away or giving the silent treatment and waiting for him to read my mind, I kiss him. I grab his hand. I tell him I love him. And he has never not responded with love in return. He’s never rejected me.
I dunno man this is a weird ramble brain dump. I’m in pain today but I think it’s growing pains. I just need to get out of my head. As soon as I get some clear headedness, the clarity comes back and I see it all for what it is. And it’s perfect. It’s fine. I can’t shield myself from getting hurt again. If it happens, it happens and I know I’ll be okay and come out stronger like I always have.
Tldr; HALP I’m actually in a normal healthy relationship with a wonderful person who genuinely cares for and wants to be with me but my mind won’t stop trying to find things wrong with it 😑😑😑
Ps- I’m honestly super in love and happy most of the time these days, just having a super “stuck in my head” type of day and needed a bit of word vomit.
And I feel a shit ton better after writing this all out. WOOF.
Today is my birthday and my friends and I were all playing Overwatch last night and when it hit midnight they queued into a No Limits match and all picked Junkrat to spam his “Happy Birthday” voiceline.
I won’t make promises for promises are meant to be broken. I won’t say a word because a word is too imprecise to describe the life I am planning ahead for us. So I'll settle with today, in holding your hand like it was my last. And my hands will heal the scars of your past as I will continue to love you the way my heart beats your name.
In less than 24 hours I’ll be on my way to Jamaica! Today I am packing (of course last minute), going to one class which I’m so tempted to skip but I shall be a good lil’ student bean, running, and then getting dinner with my mum~ currently on my matt stretching out some tight parts, and I may do a flow in a bit just to get my brain working. Yesterday afternoon I took a personality test and the results were sooo intriguing– I’m an INFJ, which is apparently the most rare type. Although people believe I’m an extrovert due to my passion for speaking about issues I care about and my confidence/loudness around people I’m close to, I’m truly an introvert who needs time on her own to recharge. I also have big, altruistic dreams (feeling over thinking), but use logical steps to accomplish a goal rather than just staying in the clouds. I’m prone to perfectionism, over-sensitivity, and burnout. I feel like knowing people’s personality types helps me understand them so much better, as they make quirks and nuances seem accessible in an objective text. Random, but just felt like sharing my latest obsession.. any other INFJ’s out there?