toby my love :)

(Technically it’s the 15th since it’s 1:38am)

So there’s one bit near the end of the Genocide Run that hit me pretty hard, personally. And as with most things that hit me very hard emotionally, it was a random almost throwaway line that wasn’t written to be focused on that much. But whether it intentionally held the meaning I took from it or not, it doesn’t change the fact that I DID take meaning from it.

When Flowey is monologuing near the very very end of the game and explaining what he went through, he talks about how he lacks the ability to feel anything for the people around him, and how desperately, frantically, he wishes he did. He talks about how, at first, he tried to help people. He talks about how at first it seemed to help, but every time it was time to let go, to move on, he got scared and couldn’t do it. He’d panic and reset instead. And how then he’d be right back where he started. And he would try helping everyone again.

But it became hollow. Everyone always said the exact same things, and did the exact same things. And nothing changed. And nothing new ever happened.

And eventually, just out of sheer desperation for SOMETHING new, he decided to kill everyone. And how that was at first a relief, but even that grew stale and empty as he did it over and over again. Until he was left with nothing, and there was nothing to care about, either for better or worse, but he couldn’t let go either. So he was trapped in this world where nothing ever changed, and he couldn’t make himself leave.

It’s a sad story, but it’s also a bit of a gut punch because of its implications.

Maybe in time, the person playing the game, the actual human being behind the keyboard, not the pixel character they control, would find themselves in the exact same situation. Eventually, things in a game stop changing. Characters always say the same things, do the same things. And maybe in time, as boredom takes over, the player would also try a genocide game just for SOMETHING new. But eventually even that will become empty and lead to nowhere after you do it enough.

I can’t really say if that’s true or not. I can’t say it’s false either.

But It’s 2 years now. And a lot of us are still here. And more importantly a lot of us still care. Quite deeply in fact.

And maybe we won’t care forever, maybe the same thing will happen, or more likely, we’d be the ones able to let go and move on to other things and let go. Maybe there’s no escaping that.

But it’s been 2 years, and at least for now, we’re still here.

There is also the possibility I’ve considered, that since the insane success of the game was never expected or anticipated at all, that the level of love it caused in gamers was a complete and utter surprise, maybe their ability to never fall into that cycle of apathy and just how long they can keep going, caring as hard as ever, will also be a complete surprise that was never foreseen.

Or even more simply, maybe Flowey just needed to be shown, as with so many things, he was wrong about that too.

Who knows. Honestly I can’t say how things will look in time. It could either way.


But at least by year 2 we were still here.

here’s the second of the two commissions i asked the amazing awesome talented superstar inspiration man @earthprincewu to do for me!!! it’s my very first D&D oc, Gaktial!!! 

she’s a half-orc barbarian with a love for gold and for doing things her way, blunt but loyal to a fault. she looks so adorable and amazing and beautiful and everything i wanted in his style!!! i love her expressions too because she’d def do those!!!! and i love how everything is honestly!!!!! thank you thank you thank you toby so so much for the two lovely pieces!!!!!!!!!

9

there’s a lot of drama happening in the sidemen fandom, so just a moment of appreciation for everyone’s unproblematic faves 

Could we pause on this for a second …

(Gif by @acekeith)

The look on Thomas’ face at first. Shock, disbelief and perhaps a bit of uncertainty at his own memory of James. For ten years, Flint had the painting of The Hamilton’s to remember Thomas’ face by. He had Miranda to talk to and keep that memory alive. He had the book Thomas had given him to hold on to. Thomas had none of those things. He had no photos or keepsakes, just his memories and no one to share them with. And memories fade over time despite how much we don’t want them to. You forget little things like facial features, the sound of a loved one’s voice, their laugh, the exact color of their eyes. Thomas must have been questioning for a moment if this was real or just someone who reminded him of James. Then he realizes it’s really him. And I’m crying forever.