ABNEGATION MEANS REFUSAL
i write a love letter to the way you refuse to make sense, defy everything.
gravity, physics, that small thing you kept warm inside your hands, fighting death when it came calling.
fighting the world when it refused to get out of your way.
said, you can’t. says you: watch me,
& you storm the barricade like a natural disaster to break everything apart.
these doors stay open because you’re afraid of the dark,
folded in on the couch, & even while you sleep your hands are curled into fists
around roses, ravens that claw through the night.
you unravel between slotted fingers to fall petals, ghosts, a chainlink fence
& a body, stand defiant again in abnegation.
your shattered ribs & shoulders hold feathers, drift soundlessly out to sea.
i love you again every time you say no,
each time you prove them wrong.
you stand, you’re breaking, you are selfless because you give to hold on.
one time you brought home anything you found that looked lonely.
quantified this scales to a monstrosity,
an unimaginable heart to make its resting place behind your sternum,
heavy in its beat, steadily giving out.
you don’t know how to give it up.
you don’t know how to say it hurts
without pushing past the collapse.
you shudder & the thing within you trembles, that smallness tucked inside those hollow bones,
how no one can make you do anything
but how you are trying to make up for everything.
i don’t understand how all of you can be contained, why you don’t burst apart at the seams, if you are sheer will keeping yourself inside.
your hands hold tender still the world,
shut doors with cautious keeping, fight on in spite of bloody apparitions.
you, the brave. you, the selfless.
you, refuse to stop loving with every inch of your body, refuse to make sense,
refuse to give up anything that makes you what you are,
& i write to pay homage to that godless magic.
they say: bow down, give in, cave to something greater.
leave that there to die, wither away, kill the hope blossoming, fly east in the winter,
say yes three times and believe it
say no and don’t mean it.
drop the heavy heart inside your chest, so apathy can make a home. give us everything you are.
& you: refuse.