to say

Staffs

Context: I’m playing a chaotic good drow monk (yes i know, chaotic isn’t exactly the ideal alignment for monks, but i honestly don’t care) in a 5e game with my family, run by a family friend. We have a sorcerer gnome, a teifling druid, a half-ork fighter, a dwarf bar, and a human cleric. I use a quarterstaff as my main weapon.

Dm: as the elf mage falls, he drops his see-through staff and his body turns to ash

The rest of the party: *discussing how weird it was how his body disintegrated*

Me: I CALL THE STAFF! THAT STAFF IS MINE!

Me: *I go over and inspect the staff, visibly excited*

Dm: if you want to know how it works, you’ll have to attune to it, which requires a short rest

Me: *to the rest of the party* guys, we’re taking a short rest right now.

After a short rest:

Dm: after your short rest, you now know that the staff is mainly arcane based, and allows the uses to cast spells through it.

Me: *i sigh and i reluctantly hand the staff over to the sorcerer*

———-
After we defeated another main enemy, a drow bard, he also had a staff.

Dm: you climb ontop of the statue where the drow is, and you hit him with your staff, and then upper cut his jaw, sending him falling off of the statue. When yiu look down, you see that he broke his neck when he fell, killing him.

The res of the party: *celebrating that we killed the enemy*

Me: I CALL THE STAFF! I DIDN’T GET THE LAST ONE SO I GET THIS ONE GODDANMIT!

Me: *i get off of the giant statue and i take the staff, attuning to it after we take a short rest to heal up*

Dm: after you attuned to it, you know that this is very ancient, probably hundreds of years old. It is a staff of bards, giving them two extra bardic inspiration dice, and boosting their charisma by 2.

Me: *sighs and hands it over to our bard without another word*

———-
We find a treasure room and fight a bunch of mimics in there. There is a staff in a display against the wall.

Me: if this goddanm staff is another friggin’ bard of sorcerer staff im gonna be pissed.

Me: since we’re taking a short rest, I’ll attune to the staff.

After a short rest

Me to the dm: please bs kind to me, i have suffered to many losses so far.

Dm: *laughs* well, you’ll be happy to here that this staff is something you’ll like. It is a staff of the storm. It gives you an extra 10 feet of movement, and it deals an extra 2d6 lightning damage.

Me: *i start crying tears of joy, dropping to my knees and hugging the staff*

Fighter: are you alright?

Me, still crying: this is the happiest day of my life.

Red Velvet to make a comeback in FEBURARY! it is “expected to be a turning point for both red velvet the team and the agency.”

Natural Death 2

Same session as before, the werewolf has fallen and the team is speaking to and arguing with a being trapped in what is essentially a transdimensional soul gem made of anti magic.

Me: Hey, it’s going to take a bit to get to the next town, can I check if there are any dead horses in this mass grave?
DM: Sure, gimme a Spellcraft roll.
*I roll a natural 20 but don’t notice, instead paying attention to the conversation*

After the questioning ends, our DM moves the story along.

DM: Alright, while everyone was questioning the Orb, Clive(my necromancer) was working his magic and making sigils with in the dirt, and manages to raise four skeletal horses and attaches them to a surprisingly intact carriage.

*multiple calls of bullshit from the party*

the posture theory

for @drownedpoet​ and the two anons who asked

  • neil has great posture
  • since he’s shorter than most adults, standing and sitting up straight always gave him a better vantage point to survey areas when he was on the run
  • it also helped when he was younger and had to appear older 
    • so people would stop asking so many questions about why “such a nice young boy was doing things he shouldn’t be"
    • it made things like buying cigarettes, driving, and carrying a gun so much simpler when he wasn’t being interrogated every five minutes
  • breathing was much easier as well in the bulletproof vests he always wore
    • wearing kevlar is a lot like wearing a chest binder, it’s restrictive and makes breathing a pain in the ass
    • sitting up straight was at least a partial solution to this problem
  • not to mention it gave him an intimidating look that kept people at a healthy distance and made sure he wasn’t bothered
  • it also made it easier to jump into a fighting stance in a seconds notice if necessary
  • sleeping back to back with his mother reinforced the habit 
    • neither of them could sleep if there was even the smallest gap between their bodies
    • life on the run from people constantly trying to kill you makes you rightfully cautious and a little bit paranoid, so it’s nice to have the grounding weight of someone you trust at your back
  • he also used to be a dancer, but that’s another au/headcanon
  • andrew, on the other hand, has terrible posture
  • his childhood was spent slouching down trying to disappear and look like less of a target
  • he would sleep curled into himself with his back against the wall so he would be harder to grab
    • it also made it harder for drake to take his clothes off
  • hiding was easier as well
    • getting used to being tucked into himself made squeezing into tight spaces for up to a couple of hours at a time to avoid drake much more comfortable
  • slipping away from being held is about 90% easier when you’re slouched as it allows for quicker movement
    • this didn’t take andrew more than twice to learn
  • andrew never really saw the point of good posture when his body never really belonged to him anyway
    • this is his depression talking, but he doesn’t care
  • i mean what’s the point of worrying about posture when you don’t plan on living long enough to be affected by it?