to keep us safe album

Crookedly in Love - Chapter Ten (A Shawn Mendes Fan Fiction)

Chapter Ten

I held Shawn for what felt like a long time before he could pick his head up. He started to wipe his tears quickly from off his face so all evidence would disappear.

“Hey,” I said, softly. “Honestly, you’re way better off without her. She isn’t worth it if she’s asking you to choose between her and someone else. It just doesn’t work.”

He looked at me, intently. I didn’t know what else to say, and he just remained silent. His eyes were slightly red.

“Shawn,” I said, softly. “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know why I’m so upset about this,” he said, truthfully. “Honestly, I don’t. I know in my mind that she wasn’t right for me. That she was asking too much, she crossed a line. So, why am I so torn up about this?”

I remained silent for a moment.

“It’s because you loved her,” I answered. “Simple as that.”

“Love is stupid,” he sighed, wiping his eyes again. I just nodded. “And she was crazy. God, why do I feel so shitty?”

I just rubbed his back comfortingly.

“Because getting your heart broken doesn’t just go away in a few seconds,” I said. “Trust me.”

“Maybe she is right,” he speculated.

“Right about what?”

“Maybe there was some truth to her paranoia. You know?”

“No, I don’t,” I answered quickly. I think I did, but the thought of what he was trying to talk about was scaring me. I’d rather just sweep any sort of questions under the rug.

He opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it. He simply just shrugged.

“I just think we should stay how we are now,” I said firmly. “We’re about to go on tour together and write your new album. We’ve got to keep it safe between us. No unanswered questions.”

“What good is that?” Shawn asked, almost timidly.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, well…I don’t know,” he replied, hesitantly. “I mean, like, maybe we shouldn’t just quickly dismiss why Mel broke up with me. Obviously she sees something between us. She wouldn’t have felt so threatened if she hadn’t. And even the fans ‘ship’ us or whatever. Like, doesn’t that tell you something?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t know. I don’t think we should base what we feel on what other people perceive!”

“Well, what do you feel?”

“W-what?” my voice faltered. I was caught off-guard.

“What do you feel? How do you feel about me?”

“Shawn, stop it. We don’t need to have this conversation right now-”

“Clearly we do!”

“Shawn, you’re going through a breakup. This is just confusing you.”

“I’ve never been more clear-headed in my mind,” he answered. “How do you feel?”

I stuttered with my words. I didn’t know how to answer that because I didn’t even know what the truth was myself. I feel like whenever it came to Shawn, I just knew I loved him and we were close. He was my best friend. I never even attempted to think about anything more. That was unchartered waters.

“I don’t know,” I said, truthfully.

“Well, do you think you could be in love with me?”

“I – I don’t know. How can anyone know that? You and me, we’ve been best friends for so long. I didn’t think that would change.”

“Maybe it has,” he answered, softly.

“Are you in love with me?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I never thought I did. I never really thought about it, actually.”

So we were on the same page.

“Well, what do we do about this then?” I asked, insistently.

He didn’t say anything to that. He just stared, tears clung to his eyelashes. I had an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had a strange feeling I knew what he was about to do.

His head moved closer to mine. I could hear his breathing, and I didn’t know what to do. Part of my mind was screaming at me to pull away, and the other part of my mind was paralyzed.

All I could see was his mouth, so close to mine. I could feel his breath tickle my skin, and all of a sudden, I snapped back into reality.

“Shawn,” I murmured. “Stop.”

He was an inch away from my lips, and he halted.

“Shawn, you’re vulnerable right now,” I continued on. “And I don’t want to make anything weird.”

He pulled away and grumbled something. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to ruin us-” I began to explain.

“Yeah, I got it,” he mumbled.

“Shawn,” I said. He just turned to walk away. “Shawn, what the hell?”

He stopped.

“God, Julia, sorry,” he spun around, walking towards me quickly. “Sorry I’m trying to get to the root of this problem!”

“Oh?” I started, getting angrier by the minute. “That’s what this is? A problem?”

“You know that’s not what I meant –”

“No, I think it was what you meant,” I fired back quickly. “Well, I’m sorry if maybe or maybe not being in love with me is an issue, but you can’t just fix it or figure it out by kissing me. And then run away when it doesn’t happen.”

He remained silent, shoving his hands in his pocket furiously.

“I’m sorry, Shawn,” I said, a little softer. “Maybe we should just forget this happened.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Talk about running away from problems…”

“I’m not running away from this! I’m trying to be logical right now.”

He scowled, shaking his head.

“Come on,” I urged him. “If the roles were reversed, if I tried to kiss you, you wouldn’t have let me!”

He sighed. “Maybe not. But, I don’t know how to act around you anymore.”

“Why? What’s changed?” I asked, worriedly. God, Mel was out of the picture, and I still felt like I was losing him. “She’s been saying that she thought I was in love with you for your whole relationship and you never listened to her. What’s the difference now?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I never took her seriously enough when we were dating because I just thought it was all in her head. But I didn’t think it was serious enough break up over. But the fact that she ended our relationship because of a tentative emotion we might or might not have for each other…well, yeah that does change things!”

“It really doesn’t,” I responded, insistently. “So what if people speculate? It’s not like I’ve ever made a move or you’ve ever tried anything. Why are you letting other people dictate what’s clearly not there!”

He shook his head, slowly.

“Well, I guess we obviously see this issue differently,” he said, with a note of finality.

I hated that he kept using the word, “issue” or “problem.” Like I caused it and I’m the one giving him grief.

“I guess.”

“Look, my mom’s probably looking for me,” he responded, running a hand through his hair.

“Shawn, we have to talk about this—”

“I know,” he said, starting to walk away. “Later?”

“Well, how do we act around each other? What’s going to happen?”

“I guess we’ll figure it out eventually.”

“You’ll text me?”

He paused. “Uh, yeah. Yeah I’ll text you.”

I didn’t exactly believe him, and I didn’t know what to do. But, all I knew I had no desire to see him again and go around in circles. But I already told his manager I would go on tour.

The next few months would be very interesting…