Host Segment 1 (S02E08)
Servo: …turns off the hose, climbs down from the ladder, turns to the clown and says, “What? and quit show business?” *laughs*
Joel: Tom, I’d really love to laugh at that, but I’m the one who told it to you, essentially. I programmed it into your memory, remember?
Servo: Oh, yeah.
Joel: Oh, here’s one you’ll like. You’ll wanna get this. You’ll like this. Okay, there’s these four monks, an albino squirrel, and a shoe factory, okay?
Crow: Hey, there’s a ship coming into range!
Joel: Okay, you can tell your joke when I’m done, alright?
Crow: But, no… it’s, uh, no joke. There’s– *sigh*
Joel: –or your anecdote, or whatever you got… but, anyway, there’s these four monks, and they work on a construction crew… this is neat… they work on a construction crew at the monastery, okay?
Crow (trying to speak over Joel): Joel. Joel. Joel.
Joel: And they just get done working on some of the stations of the cross, and they see this albino squirrel who carries it really well…
Crow (trying to speak over Joel): Joeljoeljoeljoel. Joeljoeljoeljoeljoeljoeljoeljoel. Joel. Joel. Joel. (Crow is repeatedly nudging or bumping into Joel)
Joel: Oh, would you cut that out!?
Crow: Well, hey… jeez, what a grouch! It’s the only way I could get your attention!
Servo: Hey, there’s a ship coming into range!
Crow: *dies inside and sighs, shaking his head*
Joel: Willikers, he’s right! Cambot, gimme rocket number nine, pronto!
Editor’s Note: Yes, the spaceship is just a house, floating in space. Deal with it.
Mike: Hello, boys.
Joel & the Bots (in unison): Hugh Beaumont!?
Mike: Oh, come on, call me ‘dad.’
Joel: Gee, sir– I mean, dad, what’re you doing here?
Mike: Well, you see, boys, uh… I’m one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and, uh… I come bearing a message of unholy death.
Joel & the Bots (in unison): Oh… huh!?
Mike: That’s right, I’m really gonna give you the business… destroy you, your world and all that you know. But first, a stern talking-to. You know, you boys shouldn’t be so hard on that movie. A lot of people worked quite hard to bring that movie to you.
Crow: Gee, I guess we shouldn’t be so quick to judge others, then, huh?
Mike: That’s right, Crow.
Crow (whispering): He bought it, what a jerk!
Mike: Well, I’m glad we learned a little lesson, then. Well, it’s time to die. *lights pipe*
Joel: Gee, sir—I mean, dad, why must you kill all life and matter?
Servo: Yeah, can’t you give us another chance?
Crow: Please, dad, don’t kill us and take our souls to the afterworld and stuff!
Mike: Boys, I… *sighs* I think I owe you an apology. I guess your mother and I got so wrapped up in this 'apocalypse’ thing, I didn’t have time to think how you felt.
Servo: Well then, you’re not going to destroy us?
Mike: Oh, I don’t see how I could. Well, I’ve gotta get going, I’ve got to catch up to Fred McMurray and the boys, they’re about to destroy Earth. Drink your milk.
Joel: What a sweet guy!