to all my ttc and moms to be!

I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to stay pregnant.
I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to make my husband a dad.
I’m sorry that I can’t stomach going to baby showers.
I’m sorry that each pregnancy announcement makes me grasp a bottle of Jack Daniels.
I’m sorry that my heart breaks every time someone asks me if I have kids.
I’m sorry that I can’t afford IVF.
I’m sorry that nothing I’m doing is fixing my infertility.
I’m sorry that my body was only made to kill my children.
I’m sorry that I understand the inclination to steal an infant from a nursery.
I’m sorry that my state makes adoption impossible if you aren’t rich.
I’m sorry that my womb is empty and broken.
I’m sorry that I would pay someone to get pregnant for me.
I’m sorry that I feel so insane about all of this.
I’m sorry that I’ll most likely never be a mom if I stay in Illinois.
I’m sorry that this hurts my husband so much.
I’m sorry that I’m this way.
I’m just….sorry.

All I want is to be pregnant. All I want is to have a baby grow inside my body. All I want is to be able to pee on that stick and see 2 lines for the first time. I want to be able to hand that stick to Chris and finally believe him when he tells me I’m not broken. I want to tell my mom that she’ll be a Nonna. It’ll make her entire life. And she’ll remind me that I’m not broken. I want to show my sister that she’ll have a niece or nephew and she’ll remind me that I’m not broken. I want my own grandmother to know what it feels like to have a great-grandchild. And she’ll tell me she had faith in me all along.

I just want everyone to be right, and I want to be wrong.

I want to believe them when they tell me I’m not broken.

I don’t just want a baby. I want to go through fifteen hours of hard labour just to hear her cry. I want to lose countless hours of sleep just so she can get some of her own. I want to take her to the zoo for the first time and watch her experience the wonder of the unknown. I want to sit in my car after I drop her off at her first day of school crying my eyes out because she didn’t cry when I left. I want to help her through her first heartbreak, her first loss, and her first love. I want to drop her off at college and cry all the way home, then proceed to making care packages to send to her. I want to watch her marry the person of her dreams. I don’t just want a baby. I want to be a mother.

guess what!!!!

i wrote a post at the end of February saying I was losing hope & i was serious.  I let it go about ttc.  I just felt like after having the depo i really screwed myself and my body into conceiving again.  I also had this cyst that came up when i never had cysts prior to the depo.  Luckily enough i had a sono done for a follow up and it went away with my last menstrual.  My fiance and myself were just like ehhh forget about it.  I finally decided back in January to get off my ass and get my health back on track.  

After i had Analisse I was really down in the dumps and elt myself go health wise.  I wasn’t eating good at all and when i did eat i was eating my feelings away.  So I got back in the gym,  I started my journey of herbalife which has been such a blessing and motivation for me.  

&& of course how kid you not,  On Sunday me and my fiance joked around about how much my appetite has increased since i got myself back on track with the gym and maintaining my nutrition with Herbalife that Sunday we joked I may be pregnant. As a joke I made him go get a test and turns out it came back POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two years in the making!

WE ARE SO HAPPY! but at the same time so scared.  we are keeping a positive mindset that all will go well. please pray for us.  you gals are the first to know! no one has a clue ;)


My first ultrasound appointment is tomorrow still with my fertility doctor and I’m so nervous, borderline scared. Mainly because I’ve been having some sporadic, painful cramping at night and I honestly still have no other symptoms. I genuinely don’t “feel” pregnant at all. And google teeter totters between reassuring me that everything is normal and telling me that I’m miscarrying. Thanks, google. Sigh. I know it’s normal for a first time mom to be freaked out during the first trimester, but I really think it’s heightened when the TTC process was longer than normal. I’d feel so bitter to have lost a baby after trying for over a year for it. Idk. There’s so much to reflect on after having gone through long term-ish TTC and so much to worry about concerning the future and the pregnancy. 


I’m not really surprised. I felt like she was coming.. texted my MIL last night that I might whine to her quietly so I’m not a Debbie downer for my mom/niece and then a few hours later I started spotting. I had also been feeling extra needy in that “end of a cycle way” but chalked it up to pre-trip emotions. Stuart took today off to spend with me before I leave which is excellent timing for me - he can take care of my puny self! 😅The only silver lining is that now my fertile window is centred on the week that Stuart’s in Scotland with me so we don’t have to miss any important days of cycle 7. But I’m not ready to be excited for that yet.. just need to mope about what might have been for a day or two. 💔

Being called mommy.

I love being mommy. No matter how annoyed or frustrated I am, the second those little hands grab me for a hug and that little voice mutters, “Hi mommy.” I melt inside. It makes all the hard work worth it.

15min late to my appt

Thanks mom

But it’s my only way of getting here

Now I have to wait & im fasting

Not even mad over that have lost all interest in food
Possibly repressing sadness

Have I mentioned I got a baby shower invite today?? Ugh I’m happy for her especially since she had a hard time including losses
But I just feel shitty for me

anonymous asked:

I'm TTC my first so I joined a pregnancy/ttc/mom group on fb and omfg there are so many stupid ass questions. All headed with "I'm a ftm " like bitch that doesn't mean your question isn't stupid? "I'm 30 weeks and the baby kicks at night is that normal?" Bitch what do you think??

Oh my god yes! I hate mom groups tbh. It’s all the same shit. Then you get the “ I ovulated the 16th and we had sex while mars was I. Retrograde does this terrible lighting picture of a pregnancy test I took at 6pm look like it’s positive?” Followed up by 17 people inverting he colors 🙄 or the look at my kids rash what is it? I can’t even like get some google on your side and a damn doctor. OH AND THE 90000 PEOPLE SAYING OMG GO TO THE ER when we alll know it’s a damn heat rash 🙄

Hello everyone.
  • I found out I was pregnant on November 9th. I didn't want to say anything to anyone until I was out of miscarriage range. The pregnancy made it to 7 weeks. Second miscarriage in a row.. In the past couple months I've been going back and forth between getting pregnant or waiting because I'm not sure if I can deal with another loss right now. I will be considered high risk when I do get pregnant again. My period is due on the 14th and I spotted this morning. I've had implantation bleeding with all of my pregnancies so far. I'm torn between jumping for joy that I could be expecting again and wanting to cry because I don't think I can handle another loss. I'm such an optimistic, right? I can't believe that my body is doing this to me. I can't believe that I do everything right and still can't keep a pregnancy past 8 weeks. I know I'm suppose to be an advice giver on here and maybe even a leader, but all I want right now is prayers. Prayers and good thoughts for not only me but all mother who have lost babies, all mothers who are struggling to conceive, and the fathers/partners involved as well.
  • With love and baby dust,
  • Jess. Xoxo

Just booked my ticket to come back to Northern Ireland after my mom’s trip - Stuart’s mum invited me to stay a little longer so I’m not coming back for another week after Stuart and my mom leave. It was a hard decision.. I love spending time with her and want to stay longer, it was just hard accepting that if this cycle is a bust I’m going to miss 3-4 fertile days out of cycle 7. I’m only 8dpo now so who knows, but I’m keeping my hopes low since I’ve noticed some typical pre-period signs. Maybe a break will help..although I will laugh so hard if next month’s quiet “my family’s in the next room” BD does the trick! >.<

Cycle day 38, my cycles have been about 50 days recently (though they are getting shorter as I lose weight, 58 and 51 days over the past two cycles). Pretty sure if I did ovulate or am going to we probably missed it (I might be leaving for work for 11 days in the morning). Doesn’t help that my mom made the comment tonight while I was talking to her about work that my husband needs to “stop shooting blanks” and then immediately back tracked and added “next year”. To be fair to her I haven’t told anyone but internet strangers and about 4 close friends that we are TTC, but it’s still annoying to have her and my MIL making comments like that all the time.

Beach 🌊 day 💕

So went to family’s house by the beach it was great but mr. I’m always hungry for well hungry 😋 do we went to Argentinian all you can eat buffet steak lil pricey but totally worth it we need that awesome drinks included 1 bottle of wine 🍷 per person
And we’ll I stuffed myself more than I should and can’t really hold down alcohol do 2.5 cups of wine and I’m really tipsy lol went to my moms house afterwards actually here at her house typing this

Imagine if the month I actually relax for a day and drink ( which I have zero tolerance bc I rarely do)
I get pregnant it’s a what if scenarios hopefully true who knows

Also super emotional this morning bc william and I had like a fight over money how much we spend and I felt super offended etc.. things were said then we went to the beach bc family waiting Day got better then awesome

Yes we’re a lil out of our comfort zone but it’s not like it’s hat bad we need to go out as a couple…this isn’t a weekly thing we usually just go to his moms or my moms and don’t spend $
It just was super stupid and I’m mad it even happened but I’m ok now and we had an amazing day together 💕🍷

So. Yeah.

I was at work last night and out of nowhere everything got blurry and I couldn’t remember who I was, where I was, nothing. It was terrifying. I just sat at my desk for a few minutes before I finally got up to call my mom and she came to pick me up.

While I waited for her I told my supervisor (couldn’t remember his name or anything but by that time I was starting to remember more) and he called all of his bosses and everything and he was going to call an ambulance until I told him I called my mom so he waited with me until she came.

Went to the hospital, they didn’t do a fucking thing. They said it “could” be my heart, it “could” be my head, they don’t know.

So I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday and hopefully I’ll figure out what the hell happened. Everyone is thinking a stroke?? I’m 24! I’m incredibly healthy! I’m overweight yeah, but my cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar, blah blah, everything, it’s all literally perfect. A stroke?!

I’m still going to be trying to get pregnant this month, because if they can’t even be bothered to try to figure out what happened, I’m not going to waste another month.

Who to follow?

I had another Tumblr blog, but I’ve decided to switch over to this one. The other blog has too many of my IRL friends on it, and I don’t want them all knowing that we’re TTC. I need a place where I can share everything about this new journey, and I know Tumblr is a great place for that.

Please let me know if there are any recommended blogs that I should follow on here. If you’re a wife, a mom, TTC, or WTTC, then I’d love to follow you!