Pre-Word: The character that I am playing is the same as the one from the previous submissions here and here. (( <== If you would like a better understanding of the first setting paragraph, I would recommend reading these first.))
Setting: So here it is… The group has entered a large forest positioned between two mountain-ranges, and are investigating a disease that is infecting both animal and plant-life. At this point now, the group has been whittled down to three party members consisting of a Human Assassin named William, the ever-angsty wood-elf monk Jun, and my character: the Clown Monster Vuuvie. Now, the group had a bit of a falling out since Melch decided to go ape-shit and try to kill William two sessions after their player joined for being a follower of some Fey religion, or whatever-the-fuck. So Melch ran off to who-knows-where after the group threatened to kick the shit outta the scrawny Teifling. -and Sylvara the Dragonborn had gotten separated from the group after meeting her also Dragonborn boy-friend.
So our party of three are now being guided by a Druid Wood-Elf through the forest to find a cave where the disease was said to have originated. It wasn’t airborne so all the team had to do was not come into contact with anything contaminated. While Vuuvie wanted to burn the forest down, the rest of the team was not as supportive of this method.
It had also been suspected that a doll that Vuuvie carries around with him is very powerful and can bend time and space to its’ own will (while still being reasonable). While the doll is actually alive, no-one else in the group besides the DM really knows this, and it lets Vuuvie get away with a lot of crazy fourth-wall-breaking bull-shit since they like to help Vuuvie do stuff.
So the group eventually comes to a halt in a small opening when the following happens:
DM: “You come to an opening in the woods. The trees and shrubbery around you seem to make this place ideal for a resting place. So since it is approaching sun-down, it might be good to set-up camp. Do you all wish to stop?”
William (OOC): “Indeed.” Jun (OOC): “Yeah, sure.” Vuuvie (OOC): “Why not?”
DM (OOC): “Well, as you are setting up camp, you hear something from the far off areas of the forest to your right. No-one is for certain what it could have been making these sounds, but you can tell that it sounds like… Talking.”
Druid Guide: “Oh no… Is this a bad time to mention that this forest is the home of many different ogre tribes?”
Jun: “Are you fucking kidding me?” William: “Well, this is quite unfortunate.”
Druid Guide: “We’re sorry, but we would not have thought you would have come out to investigate the forest if you knew ogres lived here.”
Vuuvie: “I sort of thought it was a given. I mean… This forest DOES have some pretty swampy areas….” Jun: “Shut-up, Vuuvie.” William: “I do hate to be the bringer of bad news, but we may not want to argue at this moment. It may be better to hide.”
DM (OOC): “Okay, do you wish to all hide?”
William (OOC): “I am going to hide in the shadows of the forest and see what troubles we may be up against.” *Rolls well, and succeeds on being hidden.*
Jun (OOC): “I am going to use my monk-bullshit-climbing powers to climb up into the highest trees in the area.” *Also rolls well, and climbs up a sixty-foot tree so they are also hidden.*
Vuuvie (OOC): “Nah, I got this.”
//Everyone else gives me a questionable look.//
DM (OOC): “Um… Okay? Is he at least going to do anything, or is he just going to stand there like an idiot?”
Vuuvie (OOC): “Just trust me. You’re gonna LOVE this.”
DM (OOC): “O…kay? Two ogres come walking into your camp-site, and seem to both be dragging a mans corpse by the legs. The corpse is very, VERY dead. In fact, you get the sense that the ogres BRUTALLY MURDERED this guy. They don’t see Vuuvie though as they seem too invested on who will eat the body.”
Ogre #1: “Oi told ya dat dis one is mine!” Ogre #2: “And I’M telling YOU that it AIN’T!”
Vuuvie (OOC): “As the two ogres come storming into the opening, no-one has seemed to had noticed that they have walked into what seemed to be a Traditional-Japanese festival. There are booths with people manning their stations, and customers purchasing their goods. Paper lanterns are strewn about the area, and give off a dim glow in the growing darkness that the sun-set was creating.”
//The DM is giving me the biggest WTF face I have ever seen, and everyone else seems to be listening just to see where I was going with this.//
Ogre #2: “What the fuck is this shit?” Ogre #1: “Uh…”
Vuuvie (OOC): “ In the opening, the stalls seem to lead to a large wooden stage you would normally find at gatherings such as these. Do the ogres approach?”
DM (OOC): “Are you fucking DM-ing ‘ME’?”
Vuuvie (OOC): “Do they approach?”
//The DM actually seems interested.//
DM (OOC): “You know what? Sure. They approach. What happens?”
Vuuvie (OOC): “As they gather at the front of the stage, they are welcome to the lanterns in the area dimming for the lights on stage to gather even more attention in the open area. At first, there is only the noise of the other people in the area as they crowded the stage, completely unaware of the ogres having been dragging a cadaver through the festival grounds. Then the sounds of music start picking up. Some wind instruments, drums, bamboo-clappers, and even a Japanese koto.
Jun (OOC): “I have a flute, and I join in?”
Vuuvie (OOC): “Yeah, Jun joins in to play from the tree they are sitting in. However, as the music starts a single figure in a Japanese female-style kimono walks up on stage as they shield their face with two paper fans. Their natural-skin color is a bleached white, and their long hair is tied back into a neat and tidy bun as they walk with wooden sandals that are clacking against the floor of the stage. A feminine-looking rag-doll, also in Traditional-Japanese garb, is hanging over the figures’ shoulder…”
William (From the bushes): “Oh Gods, is that-?”
Vuuvie (OOC): “As the face of the figure is revealed, a Taiko drum is hit once as it is VUUVIE that is dancing on stage! However, as the music continues with the clown monsters dancing, he begins singing a very strange song.”
Ogre #1: “Wha da shit is happening?”
Vuuvie: “Some… body once told me… the world is gonna roll me. I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. She was… looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb… In the shape of an ‘L’ on her fore-head.”
Ogre #2: “FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, WE JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO SHOULD GET TO EAT THIS DEAD GUY!”
//Vuuvie is still doing a fan-dance on stage.//
Vuuvie (OOC): “Oh, that’s easy.” //Vuuvie makes a horizontal motion with one of his fans.// “Just half them and share them.”
// The ogres proceed to tear the body in two, causing the audience of people to finally scream, and panic while both destroying the stalls in the area and fleeing out into the woods. The ogres then storm off, leaving Vuuvie by his lonesome on stage. Jun and William then come out from their hiding places with William having been reeling back at the complete nonsense they just witnessed, and with Jun just happy that they were included in it. All the while, the DM seems to have been the one reeling from what happened the most. //
DM (OOC): “You had a Traditional-Japanese festival in the opening, and had your character cross-dress as a female fan-dancer… Then you had him dance while singing the lyrics of 'All Star’ by Smash Mouth with a Traditional-Japanese festival musical-cover… Just because you encountered two ogres that MIGHT have turned out to be hostile, and you made them go away by meme-ing at them?”
Hey fam, remember when I said I was going to set up a mail box so you guys could send me all the weird and wonderful romance/erotica (and other) books you find and don’t know what else to do with? Well guess who finally got their shit together.
That’s right the planets have aligned and my house is probably about to sink into a swirling hell vortex, but at least now you can write to me at:
Joy Demorra # 250 2038 Ford Parkway Saint Paul MN 55116
I know this was primarily going to be set up for you to mail me books to review and add to my Collection™ but a few people have asked me if they can also send a few other things as well. To which the answer is yes you can send me other things you think I might like, but with one stipulation: Don’t be creepy. I swear to god if I have to open another box with a severed finger in it in my lifetime I will not be happy, so please, don’t do that.
And just so we’re absolutely clear: candy/tea/trinkets/books good, body parts bad. (I’m looking at you @vampireapologist 👈👀👈👁)
I look forward to all the weird wonderful shit that’s about to enter my life
i just love how people who don’t understand mental illness at all are like “oh every nice thing even did on friday is invalid bc he was manic” i mean he doesn’t suddenly become a different person when he’s manic wtf :“”))))