tina eat

"seems accurate” || newt scamander

word count: 2809

summary: soulmate au!(reader x newt scamander) → you have a tattoo of what your soulmate is most passionate about

*lowercase intended*

author’s note: this can go one of two ways → one: really horribly and no one likes it OR two: people like it and i fell happy on the inside. i don’t know which one to expect. but, anyways, enjoy! (sorry for any spelling or grammar errors)

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Ask Tina: How do you eat so much and stay so skinny?

Tina Fey answers a fan question.


Both Newt and Tina are really awkward, right? Even around eachother, for now?

So here’s the thing. As they grow closer, they’ll become WAY more comfortable around the other. They’ll even know eachother better than any other; they’ll always know how to help.

Tina trips and stumbles? Newt is already there and supporting her, before she even falls.

Newt becomes too caught up with his beasts and forgets to eat? Tina figures out how to slip him food without him noticing and objecting.

These two will be eachother’s closest friend and most trusted companion and that makes me want to cry with joy.

A Monster (Newt Scamander x Reader)

Originally posted by ultrailoveharrystylesblog

Request by Anonymous: PLEASE can you do a Newt x Werewolf Reader where the reader is like REALLY REALLY shy and doesn’t tell Newt she’s a werewolf but then he finds out?

Word Count: 2,543

Warnings: Bleeding, excessive wounds

A/N: My last two fics have had lots of blood in them, maybe there’s something wrong with me? idek


You tentatively knocked on the familiar door and clenched your eyes shut in pain. It was 7:30 in the morning and the full moon had finally gone down. It was a rough night and you weren’t sure what had happened exactly, just that you most likely got into a fight with a vicious animal. You were still shaking and dizzy from your transformation but you knew you’d bleed to death if you weren’t healed, and fast. Your wounds throbbed relentlessly in pain and you heard Queenie yell your name worriedly through the door. Not long after, the door swung open to reveal Queenie and Tina still in their night clothes. You managed to mumble out a weak “help” before crumbling to the floor.

You weren’t entirely sure what happened in the moments after that, you were semi-conscious and you saw rushing shapes but you couldn’t hear anything and had no idea what the shapes were. You must’ve drank or been fed something to ease the pain of your wounds because you suddenly felt numb. This was a normal occurrence, this situation you were currently in, being a werewolf meant you getting injured quite frequently and the poor Goldstein sisters taking care of you afterwards. Even though this wasn’t unusual, you still always felt strange in these moments of numb half consciousness, as if you were floating out of your body and in a pool of nothingness. You could never get used to the unnerving feeling.

You were always so guilty and grateful to Tina and Queenie when you forced them into these situations. You hated worrying them and making them heal sometimes gruesome wounds but you had no one else to go to. You couldn’t go to a hospital for risk of being locked up for being a werewolf and your family had thrown you out once they discovered you had been bitten and were therefore a werewolf. 

Just imagine, a werewolf in the family, what a disgrace. 

You tried not to think about that though. You were lucky you had met Queenie, being a legilimens she could tell that you weren’t actually boring, just shy. You were ridiculously timid which would often put up a barrier between you and others but fortunately Queenie made it her mission to get to know you and soon introduced you to her sister. The three of you becoming close friends.

You didn’t know how long had passed before you drifted back into consciousness, your wounds mostly healed. You peeled your eyes open, sticky from the tears you didn’t know you had cried. Your gaze finally landed on a ragged looking Tina reading a book in a chair next to the bed you were laying on. Tina was always the more frantic and worried of the two in these situations, partly because of the stark differences in the two witch’s natures but also because she had formed a kind of maternal bond with you. Though she was your friend, she was also the one who made sure you took care of yourself, wore proper clothes, bugged you about making new friends, the one who always pestered you with questions on how you were feeling. You knew she saw you as a weak child who needed protecting and you hated that most times but right now you couldn’t care less.

“Hey, Tina” You mumbled meekly. The book she was reading fell from her grasp as she spun to look at you.

“Y/N, how are you feeling?” She asked worriedly.

“Never better.” You said sarcastically, giving her a weak smile. She gave a relieved sigh as she smiled sadly at you in return, if you had the strength to be sarcastic you were fine. You started to sit up, wanting to be out of their hair for a while at least.

“Oh no no no.” Tina scolded, pushing you back down onto the bed. “You’re staying right there until I say so.” She said firmly. You groaned and rolled your eyes.

“Come on, mum. Let me goooo.” You whined like a child.

“Y/N, please.” Tina said, her expression turning sorrowful. “You were really seriously injured last night. If you had come any later we might not have been able to save you.”

“I just don’t want to burden you anymore.” You mumbled, your eyes watering up. You scolded yourself for almost crying. Stop being so weak.

“Y/N, I’m serious, cracked ribs, 3 deep gashes on your stomach, multiple cuts along your arms, a bruised eye and a twisted ankle. Merlin’s beard, Y/N, what the hell happened?” She asked desperately. You winced at your excessive list of wounds, not even knowing the severity of it until now.

“I-I don’t know.” You stuttered, not looking her in the eyes. Tina gave a small sigh and stood up.

“I’ll bring you some breakfast.” She said.

“What time is it?” You asked.

“9 in the morning.” She answered. You gave a small nod, an hour and a half since your arrival. “Oh, and I think you should know, we have a guest over.” Tina added. Your eyes widened and heart rate sped up. Even in regular situations where you had to socialise you were a nervous wreck but now? In this state? No one could see you like this! Ever!

“W-what? Who?” You asked, worried.

“Don’t worry, it’s just Newt.” She said, referring to the man you’ve been crushing on since you met.

“Just Newt?!” You repeated, incredulous at her nonchalance. “He doesn’t know about-about me, right?” You asked tentatively.

“No, no.” She reassured you. “Although I don’t know why you won’t tell him, he’d probably be ecstatic.” She teased. You just chucked a pillow at her, she laughed and ran out before it could hit her. You pressed your palms to your shut eyes and lay back down. You felt your heart flutter at the prospect of seeing him. You’ve never really spoken to him much, being too shy to continue a conversation beyond a ‘hello’ but you listened to him talk and watched how he interacted and soon became infatuated with him.

It was crazy, you admit, you’ve never even had a proper conversation with the kind man but you couldn’t help admiring him. Admiring his passion about the things he was enthusiastic about, his knowing glances in peoples’ directions, being able to read them from just their body language and tone, his calm atmosphere, just everything. And it didn’t hurt that he was ridiculously attractive with his unkempt, light auburn hair, bright green eyes and kind features. You didn’t expect him to feel the same about you and you were content with just watching him on the rare occasion he visited America from his travels, but you knew he’d be worried and curious as to the state you were in now. So you decided you’d stay in the room you were in until you had a chance to sneak out without him noticing.


Newt had just finished giving all his beasts their breakfasts and their ‘good mornings’ as he stepped out of his case. His stomach grumbled as he smelled the sweet scent of pancakes in the air, demanding he ate breakfast too. He had arrived yesterday in the afternoon with little warning to the sisters, he had hoped he could stay with them for the time he was staying in America. They had, of course, not objected, welcoming him back with open arms and eager smiles. He had missed them both dearly during his travels, not being able to write to them often due to his constantly busy schedule.

He had also missed a certain shy, H/C haired girl he had come to admire. He hoped he would see you soon and though you two had never really talked that much he was aching for your company. He loved watching you and your many expressions and your beautiful, rare smile and loved listening to you on the rare occasions you did speak. You had a soft, tentative voice as if you were worried you were boring people, it was always the opposite for him though. He adored listening and speaking to you.

As his nose led him to the kitchen, he noticed one of the doors in the hallway slightly ajar. This caught his attention and he quietly moved towards it, peeping in from the small crack. His heart leapt in joy as he noticed that you were in the room, but the joy soon faded, replaced by worry and confusion. You were laying tensely in the bed, palms pressed to your eyes, skin pale, scratches peppering down your arms and the metallic scent of blood in the air. His mind swarmed with worried thoughts. Why were you injured? What on Earth had happened? He frowned and stepped back from the door, not wanting to disturb you. You obviously needed rest from whatever had happened and him bugging you with questions wouldn’t be of much help. He was still frowning as he sat down at the dining table next to Tina.

“What’s eating you, Newt?” Queenie asked him as she slid him a delicious looking plate of pancakes. He ignored his aching stomach and raised an eyebrow at the legilimens. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. I just wanted to give you a chance to say it yourself.” She said, smiling at him.

“Ok, what’s going on?” Tina asked.

“What in the name of Merlin happened to her?” Newt asked anxiously. Queenie and Tina shared a look.

“Oh, that.” Tina mumbled, shoving a forkful of pancake into her mouth. Newt waited for one of them to answer. They seemed to be bickering amongst each other about who should tell him through facial expressions alone.

“Please.” He insisted. Queenie sighed in defeat and gave Newt a sad smile.

“I think you should ask her yourself, honey.” She said. Newt pursed his lips and looked down at the floor. It’s not that he didn’t want to speak with you, he just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and pry into your business. “I’m sure she’ll tell you if you insist.” Queenie said. “She needs to tell someone else anyway.” She added more to herself. Tina gave a light nod and raised her eyebrows expectantly at Newt.

“Now?” He asked exasperatedly, not ready to speak to you yet. Queenie gave a light giggle and Tina rolled her eyes.

“Yes, now. And you might as well bring her breakfast.” Tina said, handing him a plate of warm pancakes. Newt stared at the pancakes as he stood up, not wanting to look into the eyes of any of the Goldstein sisters, fearing they would tell how nervous he was. It would be the first time you and he would have talked alone.

“Right.” He mumbled to himself and spun on his heel towards the hallway where the room you were in lay.

He gave a slight knock on the door before entering, your eyes were closed, unaware that it was Newt that had entered. “Finally, Tinie, I’m starving.” You groaned, opening your eyes. You gave a slight squawk of surprise and bolted upright, stretching your wounds and eliciting a sharp ache. You yelped in pain and covered your stomach wounds with your arm.

“Oh dear, I should’ve warned you before coming in. I’m sorry for startling you. Are you alright? Should I call Tina and Queenie?” He rambled nervously, placing your plate down on the bedside table.

“Oh no, no, please don’t. I’m quite alright. I don’t want to worry them anymore.” You said quietly, not looking directly at him.

“Alright. Well, I - ah - brought you some food.” Newt said softly, sliding into the chair next to the bed. You gave him a small, grateful smile that made his heart flutter like a teenage boy’s. He scolded himself for being so dotty about you when he should be focusing on your wounds.

“Uhh, yes, thank you.” You stuttered, an awkward silence filling the room.

“Y/N?” He asked, your gaze flicking up to his.


“What happened?” He asked, worry filling his spring green eyes. You felt guilty for making him worry, he shouldn’t be worrying about you, it was your problem.

“Well, ah, I - uhh - you see…” You mumbled, tears starting to fill your eyes again. You hated how easy it was for you to cry, even a slightly raised voice could set you off. “I - uhm- tripped.” You could’ve smacked yourself at the weak excuse.

“You tripped.” Newt repeated, not quite believing you but not wanting to pry.

“Down the stairs?” You said, your eyes flicking away from his gorgeously worried face. Newt stayed silent, hoping to give you some time to tell him the truth. Your tears threatened to spill at the prospect of telling him and seeing the revulsion in his eyes. You suddenly felt a warm, callused hand on yours, your tear filled eyes met Newt’s fiercely concerned ones. You took a deep breath.

“I - I’m a werewolf.” You whispered. You watched as incredulity filled his eyes, then sadness and concern, then confusion. You held your breath as you waited for him to say something, noting that his hand was still firmly and comfortingly on yours. “Please say something.” You whispered, voice breaking desperately. His eyes widened as he realised you thought he wouldn’t accept this part of you and he rushed to reassure you otherwise.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.” He said quietly, slipping into the bed and quickly pulling you into a tight embrace, careful not to hurt your wounds. You were frozen in shock against him. “You are so brave to have to go through this and still smile. You have nothing to be ashamed of.” He murmured into your hair. You finally relaxed and hugged him back, tears streaming down your face.

“I’m a monster.” You mumbled in between sobs. You felt Newt shake his head quickly and pull you in tighter.

“You are no such thing.” He said fiercely. “Yes, lycanthropy can be a curse but it doesn’t have to define you.”

“It doesn’t?” You asked, a little in dismay. You’ve spent your whole life hating this part of yourself and worrying what people would think of you if they knew. Your family had rejected you and society had taught you that you were a beast. Newt pulled away, making you immediately miss his proximity. He gently wiped the tears off your cheeks with a callused thumb. You gazed into his warm and comforting eyes and he gazed into your sad ones, his heart breaking at the sight of your sorrowful, tear streaked face.

“It absolutely does not. You are an amazing person, Y/N, don’t you ever forget that.” He said. You leaned in, pressing your forehead against his. You were so close you could feel his breath on your lips. You shut your eyes tight and took a shaky breath.

“Thank you, Newt.” You whispered as you closed the distance between your lips. A split second later you both heard Queenie’s loud squeal of excitement come from the living room. You gave a small giggle as Newt pulled away, admiring your cute laugh. He gazed at you lovingly and you just returned his lovestruck look, smiling giddily.


I’m so sorry it took so long to post. I’ve just been going through some personal stuff lately but here it is. And sorry that it’s not so good…hehe.

Please tell me what you thought of it, constructive criticism is welcome.

Napoleon Dynamite for the Signs
  • Aries: "Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!"
  • Taurus: "I could wrap you in some foam, or something billowy?"
  • Gemini: "Oh yeah? Who's the only one here who knows secret Ninja moves from the government?"
  • Cancer: "Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses."
  • Leo: "LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out."
  • Virgo: "It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done."
  • Libra: "I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to."
  • Scorpio: "Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore."
  • Sagittarius: "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."
  • Capricorn: "They're pretty good, except for one little problem. That little guy right there. He is nipple number five. A good dairy cow should have, like, four."
  • Aquarius: "Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally."
  • Pisces: "Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious."
Read! When your baby is finally down for the night, pick up a juicy book like Eat, Pray, Love or Pride and Prejudice or my personal favorite,Understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy and Apnea; A Clinical Study. Taking some time to read each night really taught me how to feign narcolepsy when my husband asked me what my “plan” was for taking down the Christmas tree.
—  Tina Fey
I Think (Queenie Goldstein x Reader)

Originally posted by hardyness

Queenie Goldstein x Reader
Warnings: None
WC: 358


Request:  Could you do a Queenie x reader bit? Fluff?


Note: Thank you for requesting! It’s short and I apologize because I didn’t know what you wanted ;-; I still hope you all like it and feedback would be great ♥

- Kari


“Good morning, (Name)! It’s time to go to work, sweetie.” You couldn’t be mad at waking up to her honey filled voice. Every morning was a good morning when it came to Queenie waking you up. When you open your eyes, she was staring right at you with those clear, bright eyes of hers.

“C'mon! We don’t want Tina dragging us out of here. I have your clothes ready on the chair and breakfast is on the table.” She gave you a quick kiss on the cheek and walked out your room.

You walked out of your room, dressed and ready to go. When you sat on a chair eat, Queenie couldn’t help but stare at you with a brilliant smile.

‘You’re making me blush, Queenie.’

She giggled at your remark and continued to eat. Tina looked at you two back and forth, knowing very well Queenie read your mind.

“You guys are going to make me vomit. Date already, please.” Tina laughed, stuffing her mouth with eggs. Queenie and you exchanged a look, and started having a giggling fit.

“We haven’t told you, Tina. We have been dating for a few weeks.” Queenie cleared her throat, waiting for her sister’s reaction. Tina’s fork fell to her plate with a loud clattering sound.

“No way! You didn’t tell me?” Tina smiled and placed her hands on yours and Queenie’s.

“I am really happy for you guys, but we’re late for work and I’m going to get chewed out by Mr. Graves.” Tina stood up, and motioned us to start walking with her.


After a long day of work, you three were tired and went straight to bed. Queenie followed close behind you and lay next you.

“You are so precious to me, (Name). I hope we get to grow old together and nothing will ever separate us.” Queenie sighed happily, and hugged you.

“Nobody is going to separate us, Queenie. I promise that.” You shifted to face her and gazed right into her eyes.

'It’s probably too soon, but I think I love you.’

Queenie’s eyes widen in surprise, but softened.

“I think I love you too.”