I’m starting to wonder where I fall on the romantic spectrum. I’ve started to notice that my views on love aren’t really compatible with that of mainstream society. I’ve been questioning whether or not I’ve ever been in love or whether I could even tell you if I was for some time now.
I came across the term Quoiromantic (or WTFromantic, which I prefer and is much simpler), and I was a little surprised that there was a term for this. I suspected there was, but couldn’t find it until recently.
Back in middle school, I was firmly monogamous and SO CONVINCED I had experienced love with my two-year, on-and-off “boyfriend”(we were never officially serious or went on dates). I almost never think about him now.
I used to think there was something genuinely wrong with people who were non-monogamous, or that all non-monogamous people were basically dirty cheats and liars. But now, I’ve realized that monogamy just isn’t for some people, and that monogamy would be more hurtful than helpful in their lives.
All I could really tell you is that I’ve been obsessed or infatuated with guys and, well, that’s not necessarily the same thing. I remember thinking a few times if these infatuations was a reaction formation, or a defense mechanism to keep myself from questioning what I really felt about romantic love.
I used to think I could NEVER be capable of having a casual relationship/casual sex with someone (I basically had a casual relationship with my first “boyfriend”, but it wasn’t casual on my part). Now, i’m wondering if it’s the only thing i’m capable of.
As some of you already know, I dated someone for two months after about a year of constantly hanging with him all the time. But then, about a month into the relationship, I just got BORED! We barely did anything physical, save for kissing a few times (his breath smelled horrendous, but I digress). I started having fantasies of cheating on him, him finding out, and me not giving a fuck if he did. Now I know some of you are thinking that it’s just a fantasy, and maybe it is. But it FREAKED ME OUT. Again, up until recently, I’ve had a firmly monogamist view about love and thought I could never even THINK about cheating or having more than one partner without feeling like a piece of shit. I was shocked and felt like I had stooped so low into thinking that cheating on my boyfriend would be more fun than being faithful to him. Whenever I thought “ I have a boyfriend”, I would cringe. It felt like such a burden, and I just wanted to be single again.
Even with the person in my “Personal” tags, as infatuated as I was with him, I can’t say I loved him. Even when that thought crossed my mind, I questioned it and wasn’t convinced. I felt like that was such an exaggeration, and I think people often take the word way too lightly or only use it when their vocabulary is too limited to describe the true nuances of their feelings.
With all three of my relationships, to some extent, I secretly resisted against them. As much I was infatuated with all three of these guys I mentioned (OK, second BF, not so much), I was always looking for the exit and at least somewhat hatching an escape plan.
I have a better understanding of my sexuality than I do of my romantic feelings, if I have any. Then again, I’ve always thought more about sex, so that makes sense.