tiffany and tyra

10

“I’m sure the girls thought I just got nervous and had an anxiety attack, but for nineteen years I’ve had a condition where, you know, I pass out. Anywhere, anytime, it doesn’t matter. I’ve had problems with this since I was three years old. What happens is the vagus nerve in your body, sometimes connections kind of go haywire. It’s not a life and death condition, it’s just a very inconvenient, scary thing. ”

4. A Shocking Elimination

And by shocking, I mean utterly predictable. As I said last week, the judges were already decided that Kyle was the next to go, they just gave eir the “gift” of one more week. Considering that Kyle got to embarrass eirself trying to dance and watch eir girlfriend throw multiple temper tantrums, I bet Kyle considered these extra days a real privilege!

For crying out loud, Kyle’s own girlfriend was ready for her to go home!

*Yeah, I know Marissa is not actually Kyle’s girlfriend, but it’s so easy/fun to rile her up that I’m calling her that anyway. Don’t say that Kyle didn’t try to make it happen, though!

To be fair, Kyle seemed to know this elimination was coming, too.

The weirdest part was watching eir awkwardly force eirself to say, “I love you guys, too” to the judges when she wasn’t feeling it. It was in the same unconvincing tone Marissa would have responded to Kyle with if Kyle had dropped a surprise “I love you!” on her.  

In the end, the judges don’t like Kyle’s dancing skills.

Sorry, they hate it.

Well, technically they really like the way she spins her hat, which they consider a “glimmer” of hope, but that glimmer is not enough for them.

If that’s what they were waiting for more of though, all the more reason to send Kyle home. The hat spin is totally out-of-character for Kyle, a performed moment of extroversion from a introverted person. Just like Tyra never gave Allison Harvard the win because she was unable to view introversion positively (models are whacky, I’m sure whacky person Tyra assumes) these judges are not going to name a more restrained character the winner, especially in the Boss cycle.

It’s a shame, because for once, we finally get to see that Kyle possesses an understated sense-of-humor. When the choreographer tells Kyle, “You kind of was looking a little awkward here and there, but you stayed true to you,” Kyle correctly translates the sentiment:

And then of course, before leaving the house, Kyle manages to get it in an impression of Tyra Bank’s infamous meltdown on Tiffany. That’s the kind of shit you probably couldn’t get away with if Tyra were still around, so bravo to Kyle for going for it now that the coast is clear.

[P.S. Here’s a related opportunity for me to mention the Tiffany interview that went up on Buzzfeed so you’ll stop sending me the link. It’s a good read, but for as long as it is, light on actual insight from Tiffany. GOOD THING YOU CAN READ MY INTERVIEW WITH TIFFANY FOR THAT KIND OF STUFF.]

Anyway, good luck Kyle. And give Starr a call, why don’t you? Unlike Marissa, she doesn’t seem to be looking for any space in a relationship.

5 Funniest Moments from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 7

  • radio host: iggy freestyle for us
  • iggy:
  • iggy:
  • iggy: STOP IT! I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS. WHEN MY MOTHER YELLS LIKE THIS IT'S BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! HOW DARE YOU! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS! WHEN YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT, YOU LAY THERE AND YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF - BECAUSE NOBODY'S GOING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU. YOU'RE ROLLING YOUR EYES AND YOU ACT LIKE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE - YOU'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE - YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I COME FROM, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH, BUT I'M NOT A VICTIM; I GROW FROM IT AND I LEARN. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!

And the nominees for Outstanding Achievement in Unhinged Reality TV Show Anger are

Andrea Arlignton and Alexis Neiers for “Four Inch Little Brown Bebe Shoes! 29 dollars!” Pretty Wild

Tyra Banks for “Be quiet, Tiffany!” America’s Next Top Model

Teresa Giudice for “Prostitution Whore!” Real Housewives of New Jersey

Marguerite Perrin for “Gargoyles! Psychics!" Trading Spouses

Shangela Laquifa Wadley for "You’ll Never Be Glamour!” RuPaul’s Drag Race

And the winner is…

Tyra Banks for “Be Quiet, Tiffany!" 

DON’T Be Quiet, Tiffany: A Conversation with Cycle 4′s Tiffany (Pt. 1)

ANTMFunny: First of all, Tiffany, I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since you were on TV – I’m dying to know what you’ve been up to in the past decade.

Tiffany: Since the show, I have another baby. I had a little girl, she’s 7, with the same guy from the first child. I tried to get back into modeling after it, but there was so much bullcrap going on coming out of the show – it was such a headache. So I got a 9 to 5 so I could take care of me and my kids. I was working at a family group home with mentally disabled guys. Then, about two years ago, I decided I wanted to get back into modeling.

ANTMFunny: I’ve seen some of those modeling photos on your Instagram.

Tiffany: Yeah, that’s just me trying to figure out how to model again. I’ve been working with some of the jankiest people, and then I’ve been fucking some of it up myself. I’m one of those girls who really doesn’t give a shit what people think, so I’m just throwing it out there. The internet is the DEVIL. I get the feedback and I listen even if it’s hurtful, but sometimes I feel like they’re trying to be disrespectful. I’m just trying to get better with time.

ANTMFunny: Some of the photos are… how shall I say… provocative. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a body like yours, I’d be naked all the time. I’d probably be doing this interview naked.

Tiffany: Yeah, those crazier pics… that was just me going through some shit. I was just being me, doing what I waned to do, regardless of whether I was right or wrong. Lately, I’ve been changing. I’ve realized I got to be more professional, but it is what it is, you live and you learn. They are provocative, but hell, I’m provocative!  

ANTMFunny: You said you’re having to re-learn modeling. Are you saying – and I can’t believe it – that you didn’t actually learn real modeling tips while on America’s Next Top Model?

Tiffany: Are you trying to be funny?

ANTMFunny: Yes.

Tiffany: [laughs] That was cute. Of course I learned some stuff, but it was ten years ago and it’s different – it’s not completely different – but ten years ago we’re not doing the same things these models today are. Now it’s about working with the right people and getting my body right. But yeah, I need to learn some more shit and that’s what I’m trying to do.

ANTMFunny: Do you still watch the show?

Tiffany: No!

ANTMFunny: Ha, I don’t blame you.

Tiffany: I maybe watched a couple of shows after I was eliminated, but that’s it. I wasn’t ever really a huge Top Model fan, though. My grandma was really obsessed with the show. I saw it as a way out and something for me to do. I kinda wish I had watched the show more so I would know more about it, but I came in blind. I really didn’t know what I was getting into it.

ANTMFunny: If you thought the show was a joke back then, you’d be surprised at how ridiculous it is now. With the challenges they do now, you wouldn’t have lasted even one day, you’d probably be like, “Peace out.”

Tiffany: For real. Then, yeah, that [old] Tiffany probably would have been,“Peace out!”

ANTMFunny: I think one of the reasons the fans really like you is because we can see Tyra playing games with you, and you actually stood up for yourself.

Tiffany: Yeah, there were a lot of games. It drives me crazy when people say things like, “Oh, you could have won.” It’s funny to me cuz it’s like, damn, were you there? Y’all saw one hour out of four days. There were a lot of things you didn’t see, a lot of bullcrap going on behind the scenes. I didn’t know reality TV was that way [back then], but now from watching TV we know that these shows aren’t the way they seem.

Tyra pops in and out, she’s not there much like she claims to be. Look, I did a lot of stupid things, and I could have done a lot of things better. But it felt like a circus the whole time and like we were there just to make [Tyra] look good. I whispered some kind of crap like, “every week they humiliated us” because it was some sort of circus. I felt like it was degrading us, degrading us, degrading us.

It was a fun experience, but I just don’t believe that they were trying to set us up for REAL modeling. I think we could have focused on modeling more than doing these stupid challenges that don’t even fucking matter in real life.

ANTMFunny: Is there any challenge that stands out as the most embarrassing?

Tiffany: I don’t really remember the challenges anymore. Hmm… Maybe one where we all had to do makeup without a mirror?

ANTMFunny: I thought one of the most embarrassing this is when they dressed you up like a sexy crab. Were you really irritated by that?

Tiffany: Uh… no, I tried not to be too irritated by the looks. I had thought they were going to make me up to be super beautiful every time, but [that didn’t happen.] I didn’t want to step on the makeup artists’ toes, so I tried not to complain about it.

ANTMFunny: That’s actually one thing we have in common. I’ve worn a crab costume, too… but I was in second grade and wanted to be Sebastian from The Little Mermaid for Halloween.

Tiffany: Sebastian, oh god!

ANTMFunny: Maybe I can put a photo in and have a little “Who wore it better?” section.

ANTMFunny: Do you still have fans come up to you? Are people shouting “Be quiet, Tiffany!” all the time?

Tiffany: Well, nobody’s going to be shouting, “be quiet, Tiffany!” to my face! Just some trick ass people on the internet. People still come up to me and ask if I’m the girl from Top Model. I used to say “no”… but now I say “yeah” and people are nice, [but] of course they’re going to love you to your face. I’ve had a couple people try to talk to me about what went down with Tyra, but I slay them quick and move on. You don’t know me and you don’t know Tyra, so what are you talking about? No, boo!

ANTMFunny: Years ago, I think I read that you and Tyra made up after that fight, then fell out again. Are you willing to discuss that?

Tiffany: I don’t mind. I thought Tyra was like this fucking supermodel goddess queen with a big heart, and when I got on the show, I realized she’s human. After I got kicked off, she came to the hotel the next day and gave me this long bullshit speech about her being my mentor because she really believed in me and she loved me and thought I could be the next Tyra. When I went home, she would call me once a week or once every two weeks, and that was right before the show was gonna air. I was like, “Okay, wow, Tyra really wants to be my mentor, everything’s going to work out.”

Then the show where she yelled at me aired and it was nothing like it happened in real life. I just dropped it cuz I thought, whatever, Tyra’s going to be my mentor. She brought me on her [talk] show, but every time she was just degrading me more and more because she would never want to talk about the good things I was doing, she wanted to focus on the drug habits I had before or the stripping. So me and her fell out.

So yeah, we’re not best buds… but you know, I don’t think we ever were going to be. I think it was all just to make sure I didn’t come out and say anything bad about the Tyra Banks everybody thinks they know.

ANTMFunny: Wait, what happened differently than what they showed?

Tiffany: The things that Tyra said to me, it was disgusting. Stuff like, “I don’t give a fuck how tired you are!” She said so many disgusting things, but none of it was shown. We were cursing back and forth for a while, but of course they couldn’t show that. For her to yell at me for not crying, it’s like, I’ve been crying every week, I’m tired of crying.

ANTMFunny: Yeah, Tyra doesn’t like it when she can’t make a girl cry. She also seemed pissed that you didn’t stick to the script.

Tiffany: They made it seem like she was really pissed that she believed in me so much and that she was doing everything in her power to make sure I was going to win, and that was bullshit.

ANTMFunny: So you’re a mother – have you ever had to yell at your kids like that because you love them?

Tiffany: Yeah, but I’m not [Tyra’s] child. I wouldn’t yell at my kids in front of millions of people and humiliate the fuck out of them to the point where no one wants to deal with them. When do you humiliate someone you love? She had no right to yell at me, I am not her child. If I would have come out of her pussy? Then yeah, but I didn’t come out of it, so don’t yell at me.

ANTMFunny: Speaking of your kids, do you want to brag about them like a proud mama?

Tiffany: They’re awesome. My kids are my world. My daughter just made the principal’s honor roll, thank God. My son’s about to be thirteen, he’s a grown man. Yeah, he’s great, I have him in ballet and track and everything I didn’t get to do. I’m like a soccer mom now.

ANTMFunny: And you’re married, right? How is married life?

Tiffany: Married life is married life, it’s up and down. I love my husband to death, but some days I can’t stand him. We’re going to ride or die this thing out. My husband and my kids, they’re my everything. They’re the people who keep me sane in this world.

ANTMFunny: Were you ever contacted to be on the All-Star cycle?

[Continue to Part 2 here]

Check back Monday for part 2 when Tiffany gives her surprising thoughts on an All-Star cycle, describes her passions in life, shares who she kept in touch with after the show, and floats an interesting conspiracy theory on the bitch who poured beer in her weave.

(This interview has been condensed and edited.)