Want to be on Button? Submit your poems to our chapbook contest! Winner receives publication, $500, fifty free author copies, and an invitation to perform at a Button Poetry event and be filmed by Button. Not sure about a full chapbook? We’ve launched our first-ever video contest as well! You even can (and should!) submit to both! Check out all the details here.
Tumblr is so hellbent on “reclaiming” the word “fat” for girls like me that they have literally forgotten to ask girls like me how we feel about it.
To me, it’s a dirty word. It’s been used against me as a weapon and I cannot now stop associating so many negative connotations with it. It’s a word that I use to describe myself disparagingly, it is a word that I tried to carve into my thigh with the edge of a broken protractor when I was 15, it’s a word that gets stuck in my throat and makes me want to stick my fingers down there and purge my body. I do not like it. You can try and tell me it’s simply a descriptor all you want but the fact of the matter is, it can no longer be “just a descriptor.” It has too much vitriol attached.
That’s why it pisses me the fuck off when someone makes a post about “fat girls” (ugh) and another person might reblog and say “Hey, actually, can we maybe not use that word to describe these people?” and they are completely ignored or met with an “….anyway” or “It’s not a bad word.” Fuck you. To me, and presumably to others, it /is/ a fucking bad word. There are other words that mean what you’re trying to say that are so much better, so much more positive: Rubenesque, voluptuous, curvy, chubby, plump, full-figured….even simply “big” or “bigger.” Those all have positive connotations for me. If you wanna use the word “fat” to describe yourself, more power to you. But stop throwing it around and using it on me and countless other women. It doesn’t feel progressive, it still feels downright cruel.
My discussions about Dean’s love v Sam’s
have little to do with Dean sacrificing for Sam or hurting himself for Sam.
Those are things I would consider the result of abuse. What I am talking about
is the actual communication of love/ value for another person you are in a
relationship with (particularly in a close relationship or a partnership). It’s
not about the big things (though I would say that we shouldn’t totally factor
out love as a motivator there, either. I don’t think there has to be only one
thing acting on a person at a time, and when forces combine, it only makes an
action that much harder not to take). It’s about all of the small things. And
it’s not even about “feelings” so much as communication.
I’m working on a meta surrounding this where I hope I can expound it fully,
because I think there IS a big deficit in the communication of love and value
in the relationship from one brother to another. And I do see that as
destructive and part of the problem between them (from both sides. Dean in
letting himself be used as a doormat, Sam in being too focused on his ever
growing need for affirmation he takes advantage and runs rickshaw over his
And while I am sort of criticizing
Sam’s behavior when I talk about this, my main purpose is really to diagnose
ways that could possibly help in starting to heal the relationship. Of course,
from a psychology stand point, the ideal situation would be that they separate,
possibly indefinitely. Sam’s narcissism fuels Dean’s co-dependency and vice
versa. But as I doubt that this will happen, because the show needs these two
characters together, I’m looking at the next best thing. But first, I need to suss
out what I see as the major problems. Sam demanding affirmation and support
while failing to support or affirm his partner is a MAJOR issue. Dean being trapped
in the caretaker role? Instead of a more “we
take care of each other” situation? Is a MAJOR issue. Overall, the unbalance
in the relationship is a MAJOR issue. And one way to address an unbalanced
relationship is to move toward balancing it. That means Sam actually carrying
equal weight and responsibility for the relationship. That means learning to consider Dean’s feelings and needs as much as his own. That means Sam affirming that Dean has worth
apart from what Dean can do for Sam (at least a fraction as much as Dean does
this for Sam). (Ideally) That means communicating that Dean won’t be worthless/
easily thrown away if he does not “perform.” At the very least it means Sam needs
to stop affirming the opposite.
This would ALSO be good for Sam, who
tends to be both desperate to prove he can do things, while also convinced that
(or at least acting like) many of his decisions/ actions are someone else’s fault.
If he stopped being so obsessed with the outcome of feeling trusted and learned
giving trust (aka being honest) and actually being trustworthy, are better ways
to go about obtaining what he seeks (instead of lying, thereby undermining the
very thing he’s trying to achieve). Just proving to himself that he can be
reliable, I think would boost Sam’s self-efficacy, not lower it.
And again, I’m not talking about Sam
doing something self-destructive to save, help, or take care of Dean. I’m
talking about simple value messages and actions. I’m talking about
communicating that the partner in your relationship matters as much as you do,
that their needs and feelings deserve equal consideration to yours (and that
they don’t have to put away those needs, or act like they don’t have them, just
to meet yours). I don’t want Sam to sell his soul to save Dean. I just needed him
to stop and go “hey, are you okay?” or “I’m sorry you got hurt in all of this”
after BUABS. I just needed him to say what Anna said in Heaven and Hell “You
don’t have to tell me, but I care about you and I’m here if you need to talk.”
I just wanted him to show he cared more about what Dean was going through with
his deal than just “what’s wrong with you? hurry up and get over it b/c we’ve
got work to do.” I just wanted his remember that he wasn’t the only one going
through something in S4, and that maybe now is not the time to “declare Dean
weak and demand he do what I want,” so much as the time to encourage and reassure
him, to remind him that I still have his back, no matter what horrible things
happened to him. THAT is what I’m talking about.
When Dean stops to ask Sam if he’s
alright. When Dean offers to listen to Sam’s troubles without pushing him to
say more than he’s comfortable saying. When Dean notices Sam is sad and tries
to cheer him up. When Dean tries to get Sam to laugh or play to take his mind
off of things. Even when Dean tries to dampen the blows of what he’s endured,
so that Sam’s experience is better. When Dean takes time to focus on Sam’s feelings.When Dean notices Sam is feeling doubtful
or insecure and tries to encourage him. When Dean notices that Sam is feeling
guilty or worried and he reassures him. When Dean is affectionate. When Dean
compliments Sam’s intelligence or quick thinking. I just wish (and think it’d be a step in the right direction if) Sam would do more
of the same.
Tiffany isn’t my fave but i can understand why she posts about her trips overseas a lot. If I was in Italy, France, or Japan I’d be stoked. Yeah there is a level of professionalism but let her be happy about her trips and experiences.