throw up the rock

I didn’t dick around as a kid. I had a damn video game to play. Between embarrassing myself during karate class, half-assing my homework, and watching Grease 1,000 times, my after-school hours were precious. When I played a game, I played to win. I didn’t have the time or desire to luxuriate in the designer’s code. I was those no-nonsense movie prostitutes who lay down the law before rolling up their sleeves and getting to work on that dick – I was all business. I was quick and efficient. And then adulthood kicked in …

Like I said, in Breath Of The Wild I pick up rocks and throw them. Sometimes I remember that the little leafy-headed Korok dudes hide under rocks, so the reward they bestow is a pleasant bonus. But it’s also a little frustrating. When they pop up they delay the satisfaction of getting to throw a rock two feet, usually at other rocks lying on the ground, or down a mountain, or at fish in the water. Throwing rocks is fun. The fuck is wrong with me? I heard there’s a dragon in the game but I can’t confirm that. Too many rocks to throw. High-stakes Hyrulian adventure occurs when I try to kill a cow with a rock. I haven’t done it yet, but throwing rocks at cows is about the journey, not the destination. It’s its own reward.

I easily give in to the distraction. The creators put so much work into the little details of the world that I feel I’m doing the game a disservice if I don’t stop to cut down a tree then run around its base as it falls to see if I can make it under the falling trunk before getting smashed, or blowing up goats by floating a bomb attached to an Octo Balloon their way. This isn’t just a video game. This is a Bored Mountain Kook simulator.

How The New Zelda Put My Entire Life In Perspective

Things Said While Playing Scary Games pt 2

“SHH! Be quiet, they’re attracted to bullshit.”
“The true monster is within us all.”
“What do I do with this?”
“Do I shove it up my butt?”
“I’ll throw a rock in your goddamn face, don’t even test me.”
“This monster isn’t scary, it doesn’t even have a lower jaw.”
“Look into my cold, dead eyes and tell me I’m not serious.”
“*pterodactyl screech*”
“I’m just going to stay here in the closet forever.”
“I can totally fit through there if I lather myself in oil.”
“I’m not your daddy!”
“I’m not your weird uncle!”
“Eww, humans.”
“What am I looking at right now?”
“WwwoooOOOOoooOOOOooo spooky.”
“I’ve walked so far, I must have calves of steel.”
“Nice bed head, dork.”
“Shhh shhh, go to sleep.”
“I’m a redhead, of course I’m sexy.”
“I’m a ladder champion. I see a ladder and I conquer it.”
“YOU’VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.”
“What’s up dead people?”
“My mom believes in me.”
“I will fuck this tree.”
“Your butt looks magnificent today, just sayin’.”
“Can you stop with the grossness? ‘K, thanks.”
“Am I good or am I good?”
“I’m the worst.”
“Look at me, I’m fucking adorable.”
“I want [character’s name] to read a phonebook to me.”

Were you asleep in history class?

What kind of world are we in where a guy can’t get punched in the face for being a Nazi. How are people so hypocritical that they’ll support bombing civilians in the name of democracy, but are suddenly pacifists and law abiding citizens when their golden boy gets his shit rocked? There are actual people willingly throwing up Nazi salutes when this man speaks. But a black man gets murdered by the police for no reason, and they go back to “maybe he shouldn’t have resisted”. If the law of the land is your ultimate moral compass, you’ll always be blind.

The Willow - Part 3

Severa looks behind her as Jamie runs after her. She sneers and keeps going.

The willow’s branches thrash and Severa ducks to avoid them.

A branch whips Jamie round the face, knocking her off her feet and sending her glasses flying. She scrambles upright, squinting to see.

Severa picks up a rock and throws it at the knot at the base of the willow. 

The willow freezes.

Remi stands in the middle of the dusty shack, breathing heavily. The transformation is moments away.

They should be here by now

Sirius? Jamie? Petra?

N o

An animal scream echoes through the tunnel of the shack. Severa stops in her tracks.

The room is filled with the sound of bones breaking and re-shaping.

Severa reaches the door.

The door shakes under Jamie’s grip. Severa stumbles backwards.

Jamie locks the door, wincing at the terrible sounds coming from behind it. She grabs Severa by the wrist, and they run.

Remi’s screams follow them the entire way back.

END OF PART THREE.

Part One

Part Two

Valentine's Day Starters:
  • “Will you be my Valentine?" 
  • "Happy Valentine’s Day!”
  • “Who’s it from? Your secret admirer?" 
  • "These came for you, shall I put them in water?" 
  • "I’ve never had a Valentines" 
  • "I’m your secret admirer" 
  • "Did you like the flowers?" 
  • "Surprise! It was me!" 
  • "Secret admirers weird me out. They’re like legal stalkers." 
  • "How many cards did you get this year?" 
  • "Did he ask you out?" 
  • "Did she ask you out?" 
  • "I don’t like chocolates." 
  • "I’m allergic to flowers." 
  • "If I see another loved up couple, I’m going to throw a rock at them." 

“Hide! What are you doing here?”

Kaneki had opened his window to find Hide standing below him at the back of his aunt’s house. Hide grinned, shrugging.

“You weren’t answering your phone.”

“So your natural response is to just show up and throw rocks at my window?”

“Actually, these are pieces of candy cane.” He demonstrated by putting a piece into his mouth and crunching happily on it.

“So you’re littering.”

“Nuh-uh! Biodegradable. And you’re stalling. Hurry up and get down here, it’s cold!”

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@iamzachvalenti​ “good storytelling is putting a likeable human being in a tree, throwing a rock at them, and then bringing them back down”

… and if the character in question is doug eiffel, well, just keep throwing rocks at him. just keep fucking throwing rocks. never let up.

Halfway

Character: Dean Winchester

Warning: Cheating (depending on who’s side you take)

Word Count: 5,945

Pairing: Almost Dean x Reader

Summary: The reader has no desire for permanent relationships. No man can give her what she wants, so she calls them “halfways”. She knows Dean, and though they both seem to harbor an attraction for one another, he wants something that will last. 

Loosely Based on the Song Halfway by Parachute.

Story

    You are ten and throwing rocks at the ducks floating in a pond in the park. At this age, your aim is accurate but not accurate enough to get a notable success streak. Even if it was, the rocks are too small to do any damage; the ducks startle and quack a bit on the off chance you hit one of them. The park is damp and chilly, shrouded in a thin afternoon fog. It’s too cold here for most people which makes it perfect for you. Dean shows up after you throw your sixth rock.

    “Hey,” he says.

    “Hey,” you answer.

    Wordlessly, he picks up his own rock and chucks it at the nearest duck. It hits the bird dead on the wing, and it waddles away in surprise. You’ve met Dean a few times before, brief visits when his dad came to town on business, but you never pay much attention to him because he’s older. Mostly you play with Sam, who is your age.

    “Where’s Sam?” you ask.

    “On the swings.” Dean throws another rock. This one misses and hits the water with a plop. “This park sucks.”

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Okay but like how fucking unamused must aliens be with Earth tbh we’re like an annoying kid with a slingshot throwing loud, noisy projectiles out of our atmosphere like can you imagine?
“Dude what’s up with that blue planet?”
“Oh that’s Earth, they’re really noisy and throw things a lot. Don’t go there.”

The Space Penguins of Tuscumbia

Region of origin: Tuscumbia Missouri, United States

A large, olive-green mushroom-shaped structure appeared in the cow fields of Claude Edwards on the morning of Valentine’s Day, 1967. Approaching it, he saw several small beings milling around the mushroomoid, clad in a similar green and shaped, as he described, like “little green penguins.” Picking up two large rocks, Edwards continued his approach until he was about 15 feet away, where he ran into an invisible wall preventing him from advancing further. He backed up a bit and attempted to throw the rocks; the first bouncing off the invisible barrier that had stopped him, the second lobbed high, sailing over the craft and landing beyond it. The second rock altered the creatures to Edwards’ presence, and they hastily retreated into the stalk of the craft. The ship tilted back and forth on its stalk three times before lifting off and speeding into skies to the northeast. This was the last time Edwards encountered anything alien in his lifetime, but several years later in 1971 beings of a reasonably similar description were sighted near Kinnula, Finland.