three turkeys

Today has been a lesson in intense birding. 

So to clear my head today, I went to the park early in the morning. Around dawn and around dusk are the best times to spot wildlife. Plus, the last time I was at Blendon Woods I walked past this patch of wild mustard JUST as the sun was rising- bright pink and orange sky with deep blue shadows marbled into it, bright yellow plants swaying in the breeze, deep shadows of trees in the background. It would have been a GREAT photograph. I got my camera out, lined up my shot… aaaaand… left the SD card in the computer at home. 

That was in October, so I’ve been itching to go back and try again. 

So anyway. 

I get out of my car and walk about twenty feet before I hear ‘gobblegobblegobble.’ 

I ain’t a city boy, okay? I know what a turkey sounds like. 

Turn to my left and there’s a couple turkeys hanging out over by the ranger’s station. Cool! They’ve got their feathers up, so they’re upset about something. I decide to go in the other direction. 

Start going down the hill into the woods. I hear that gobbling again, but it’s a little far off. I keep going. 

About twenty feet into the path, I see two turkeys. One male, one female. They’re a good thirty feet away. I get a couple photos of them from there. He’s all puffed up so he probably knows I’m there. I decide to let them keep going to avoid pissing him off any further. 

They go a good ten feet off the path and I figure I’m good to go. 

I start walking again. 

That’s when I hear the gobbling come from behind me. And I’m like… oh shit- the entire flock has found me. And for those of you who don’t know… a flock of turkeys ends up being like 30 of them. 

I have a platoon of wild turkeys converging on me slowly. 

Oh no. 

I have aggressed them.

The turkey that I’d been taking photos of suddenly hops back onto the path and starts chasing me.

If you’ve never seen a turkey run, they are fast motherfuckers. And you’re reminded that they descended from dinosaurs. So I have the great great great great (etc) grandson of velociraptor mongolienesis chasing after me for getting too into his personal space bubble. 

I don’t know how bad a turkey can bite. I am not adventurous enough to find out. I do not want to explain to the doctor that I pissed off Thanksgiving dinner. 

I get about a quarter of a mile down the path and I no longer hear turkeys. 

I have reached a space of relative safety. 

But listen- this is not a big park. And turkeys… there are a lot of turkeys. Every time I turn a corner, there’s at least three turkeys pecking at stuff on the ground. And even if they don’t give a crap about me,  I am now SCARED OF TURKEYS. 

Get down the path and there’s a handful of them suddenly behind me. 

Keep going forward to get away from them, there’s another six twenty feet down the path. 

I am blocked in. I am frozen. The only thing I can do is stand very still and hope that they walk past me. But every tiny little movement I make catches their attention and they all lift their heads up to see what made the noise before making that awful, awful sound. 

Some joggers come up the path and all their heads turn to see what’s going on over there. 

The turkeys part like the Red Sea to make room for the joggers. 

I was never in any danger. 

As I leave the park, gobbling can be heard in the distance. 

I really want a turkey burger. 

anonymous asked:

The johnsnavi fam go to Disney world

CRY. PURE. YES. FIRST FAM VACATION. LONGASS HEADCANON.

Johsnavi + Disney Vacation: 

  • Usnavi checking, rechecking they have everything, literally not sleeping for a full week before their flight. 
  • Johan reminding his kids that Disney may look like a family oriented company but they are nothing but money grubbing business— (insert Usnavi slapping him) 
  • Claudio, responsible big bro, gets a good night sleep and remembers the passports when Usnavi accidentally leaves them on his dresser
  • Namaste decides to hide in the carry-on luggage compartment and Johan and Usnavi can’t find her, their flight is delayed. “WHERE IS MY BABY” (1) 
  • Finally @ Disney, Johan and Usnavi decide to divide and conquer and rejoin at Frontierland for lunch. 
  • Claudio and Usnavi aka “I’m not getting on that…” they ride the Dumbo ride without shame
  • Namaste chases down Mickey and gets lost, “WHERE IS MY BABY?!” (2) 
  • Twins double team Johan and end up getting him to the Buzzlighter laser shooting ride, Johan literally jumps at all the pop ups and offers peace
  • Twins notice Namaste is not with Usnavi, they say nothing and disappear after her
  • “WHERE ARE MY BABIES?” (3) 
  • Johan doesn’t want to tell Usnavi he lost the twins, Usnavi doesn’t want to tell Johan he lost Namaste
  • Claudio sees them running around like every five minutes and tries to tell his father but is ignored
  • Finally he runs off and Usnavi runs after him
  • Johan runs after Usnavi
  • They find the three kids eating massive turkey legs while Namaste wears one of the Mickey Mouse mascot heads
  • No one asks why
  • They watch the fireworks as a family and Johan loosens up their diet for ice cream because its been a long day
  • Dads kiss under the Disney fireworks
  • “EW DADDIES ARE GROSS” 

cyclophilos  asked:

Pls, can you draw lady Iran/Persia and Turkey together? I found them absolutely cute ♡

im sorry i got too excited and misread this… and drew persia, lady babylonia, and turkey instead (○´・Д・`○)

team sassanid forever

Wild Turkey Woman

Summary: Killing time and liquor in a hotel room with Dean.
Pairing: Dean x Reader 
Word Count: 1420
Warnings: Language, drinking, sexy times, implied smut. 
Challenge: @winchester-writes’s Birthday Drinking Challenge; my prompt was Wild Turkey and, “Why is it I only drink this when I’m with you?” as well as @chaos-and-the-calm67‘s Milestone Challenge, wherein my prompt was “Have You Ever Really Love A Woman” by Bryan Adams, as well as the gif at the bottom of the fic. 

Your name: submit What is this?

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You Could’ve Asked

Pairing: Jimmy Malone x Reader

Author: @ninja-stiles

Words: 3467

Author’s Note: Guys, I finally finished this damn fic. It’s been in my docs for at least two months? I don’t even know, but it’s cute for those who know Jimmy from High Road. If not, go watch it. I’m pretty sure it’s on youtube! I hope you enjoy though! Thanks to my bby @lovelydob for proofreading this for me!


Originally posted by another-shade-of-me


Your family has been friends with Jimmy’s parents for quite a while and when we learned that his mother had passed away last year, everything has changed. I haven’t actually seen or heard from Jimmy in quite some time and I’m absolutely worried about him, he was my best friend. I contemplated on going to his house quite a few times, but decided not to, thinking that if he needed me, he’d call or text me.

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Winter Weight Gain

I have always been attracted to fat men and had the desire to become one myself. I struggled throughout my college career to put on weight. I would binge for weeks and put on about ten pounds, only to become stressed and overworked resulting in me losing the weight. It was a frustrating cycle. I never had the time to truly transform my body into the jiggly ideal in my head. Once I graduated, I knew it was my time to grow. Before entering a master’s program, I decided I would take a year off to save money and gain weight. Between June and December I made a lot of progress. I gained about thirty pounds in six months, going from six foot and 150 pounds to 180 some odd pounds. It felt great. I wasn’t fat by any means, but I had filled out. I felt more in control of my body and like I had more of a presence when I entered a room. These gains were assisted by a new boyfriend I had met, Liam, on grommr. He was much fatter than me and had a well-developed paunch when we met. The combination of his encouragement and simply being around someone who ate so goddamn much really assisted in my weight gain. 

I flew home to a small town in Southern California for Thanksgiving. It was sad parting ways for a week with the boyfriend, but the prospect of a gluttonous Thanksgiving was enticing. My family was rather traditional when it came to holidays and Thanksgiving was always an expansive, fattening, home cooked affair. I had been practicing bloating for weeks before hand so I could be sure to stuff myself to maximum capacity. In addition, my family had yet to see my thirty pound weight gain. When I arrived, I received several comments about how I’d “filled out.” Most of them were compliments amounting to how I looked more like a man, and much older. When feasting began I shocked everyone with how much food I consumed. I by far was the biggest eater at the table and filled up my plate four times. My stomach was so distended by the end of the day that it almost looked like a deformity. When I returned home, Liam raved that I was noticeably fatter. The scale had only shown a two pound weight gain, but he claimed it felt like more. Still, I was definitely excited and felt like an overweight BMI was just within my reach.

Liam and I both had plans to spend December and January with our respective famillies. We decided to make a rather fattening deal. After two months, when we returned home, we both had to have gained 25 pounds. If one or both of us failed to meet this criteria, the punishment would be 7,000 calories a day for two weeks. 

After two weeks of home cooking and holiday treats, I had already packed on twelve pounds. And it was starting to get noticeable. My belly poked out above my waistline. T-shirts and sweaters clung tightly to my midsection. I was a cliche, my weight quickly rising due to holiday sweets and egg nog. No one made any comments, as I assumed they figured I would lose it all in the spring. What they didn’t know was that my gut would continue to grow and that my newfound potbelly was a source of constant eroticism. My cock grew hard at every meal, and even the slightest jiggle of my belly would leave me dripping precum. By the time Christmas day arrived I was about 15 pounds heavier than when I’d first arrived at home. I was greatly looking forward to Christmas dinner, which was typically a bigger affair than Thanksgiving in my house. My mom made a spread with all of the traditional holiday food, but went especially crazy with the desserts. There were more cakes, pies, cookies, cobblers, and loafs than our family could ever consume in a day. 

After exchanging presents, my body was ready to gorge. I was jittery with excitement at the prospect of stuffing my gut as full as I possibly could with delicious fattening food. Once dinner began, I made no attempt at hiding my gluttony. I inhaled my first plate of food within minutes. I got a couple comments about how hungry I was. I would only smile and agree as I loaded up plate after mountainous plate of food. My belly was swelling under the tight knit sweater I was wearing. After three plates of ham, turkey, rolls, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and yams all drowned in gravy I began on the dessert foods. My gut was significantly bloated. My uncle was surprised that I was still “going so strong on the food.” While my mom made a comment that I better “watch my eating” as my “midsection is growing by the day.” A few other family members remarked with supportive jokes about how I was a growing boy and that everyone gets a a little portly over the holidays. My cock was rock hard and mashed against my thigh in my skinny jeans. I eventually had a healthy serving of every dessert at the table and seconds for some. By the time I was finished, my stomach looked abnormally bloated and I was in great pain. Once everyone finished, I retired to my bedroom and immediately took a nap. 

I woke up groggy and with an intense boner. I looked at the clock and it was 1 AM. I’d slept for several hours. I went outside and smoked a bowl then proceeded to watch A Christmas Story. Soon enough, the munchies began to set in, and the massive food baby that was working its way through my system, suddenly seemed to vanish. I was ravenously hungry. I began to storm the leftovers, eating pieces of pie and cake so large that I was shocked at my own gluttony. I was stuffing my face with everything I could get my hands on. I began to get enormously turned on and decided to bring the food to my room so I could eat and jerk off. I covered my bed with plates of delicious sweets and began eating with no hands like the hungry hog I was. Meanwhile, I stroked my cock and massaged my belly fat. I was getting food all over my fattening body, which I would lick and scrape off. I was determined to consume everything that I brought. I tried fucking the cobbler and then eating the filling off my dick. I was swallowing so much food that I hardly even recognized what was going into my mouth. Whatever I could get my hands on was swallowed. I cleaned all the plates in what seemed like no time at all. I finally let myself cum and shot my load across the room in moans of ecstasy. I  passed out sticky and bloated.

A few weeks passed and New Year’s came and went. I had gained 4 pounds just on Christmas day alone and continued to pack on the weight like I was an animal going into hibernation. I could barely fit into the outfit I had planned for New Year’s Eve festivities, which was slightly embarrassing, but still incredibly hot. Hungover the next morning, I looked through the photos on my phone and on Facebook of the night before. I had gotten completely wasted and didn’t remember much. I was shocked to see just how far my belly protruded out of my denim jacket. In several photos my shirt was riding up to reveal a swollen and hairy abdomen. Even my face looked a little fatter. A slight double chin appeared in certain angles. This was the first time I had a good look at all the weight I had gained and was truly shocked. I looked fat. 

I went to the bathroom and began examining myself in the mirror. My gut was on the verge of an overhang, ten more pounds and it would happen. I had even started to develop a fat pad. I knew my thighs had gotten thicker, but looking in the mirror I realized they were almost touching. I squeezed and jiggled my ass cheeks, Liam was going to love playing with those. Slight love handles were apparent from behind. I wanted them to grow. I got inches from the mirror to examine my neck fat. If I looked down or tucked my chin in, I developed a definite double chin. To top it all off, my entire body looked a tad bit hairier. I’d always had a decent patch of chest hair, but now it was spreading from shoulder to shoulder. I wondered if weight gain sparked hair growth.

I’d stopped tracking my weight since Christmas because I was confident I would meet, and likely surpass, the 25 pounds I promised Liam. The trip home had come to an end, and I was noticeably larger than when I’d arrived. Barely any of my clothes fit. I couldn’t wait for Liam to see. When I arrived at our apartment, he was sitting on the couch. I could tell he’d gained weight but not merely as much as me. We embraced and began fooling around. He was shocked and amorous of my newly formed love handles and jiggly beer gut. He squeezed handfuls of both and asked how much I’d gained. I told him I didn’t know and had stopped weighing myself. Liam revealed he had only gained 15 pounds. At first I was disappointed, but the prospect of the next week of gluttony was going to be amazing for Liam. We had wild sex exploring the new curves of each other’s bodies. 

Later that night, Liam coaxed me out of bed and onto the scale. I was shocked at the number that appeared. No way was I that fat now. 223 pounds. I had gained over forty pounds in two months. This realization caused my cock to stiffen and rise against my newly rounded, hanging, belly.

You know what saddens me the most about this referendum? The true result was actually NO, not by a huge gap but very likely something close to 51% but it was a NO. We went there and voted for our own future, knowing how crucial it was but the result was already predetermined, that they literally cheated to get a yes out of it. What we think and what we voted for did not matter one bit in the end because the government would get what they wanted no matter what and that’s exactly what happened. The votes from Istanbul always reflect the votes from all around Turkey. This time Istanbul, Izmir, Ankara (the three biggest cities in Turkey) all said no but when you count 1.5 million ballots that shouldn’t even be counted according to the law, as a yes vote (in addition to 1 million more votes that are considered problematic and suspicious) that’s what you get. The fact that we voted did not even matter. We used to say before this referandum, Turkey will destroy its democracy using democracy but that’s not even what happened. It wasn’t democracy destroying itself, democracy said no I’m standing right here. It was a tyrant doing that.   

While I worked at a deli a woman came in and asked for “the kind of meat guys like”
I was like “?????? The last three guys bought turkey? Is- is that what you want?”
the more confused I got the angrier she got
Eventually I figured out she wanted roast beef 😑

“Muddy Waters”

The lovely @squeakowl offered to let her first smutty one-shot be featured on this blog so here it is! It’s also on Ao3 if you’d prefer to read it there and to get give this lovely writer some kudos


“Hey Cat!” Maggie’s drawl broke the silence, and Catherine Baker dropped the feather she had been trying for the last ten minutes to affix to the shaft of one of her arrows. The feather was warped, and she didn’t have enough glue, so she very much needed to make the repair work. But some other time, because it was starting to irritate her, and her work always got sloppy if she got frustrated. She couldn’t afford sloppy when her arrows were all that stood between her and starvation. Or being walker chow.

With a sigh she picked it up off her lap and set it aside for the moment. “What, Maggie?” Cat tried to keep her annoyance out of her voice.

“T-Dog found a little lake in the woods, and it looks like it’s thawed. Cold as hell, but safe. We’re all gonna go in pairs so we can get clean. You coming?” Cat was immediately on her feet. It had been a long, uncommonly cold winter, which, despite the fortuitous fact that cold seemed to slow walkers down, had resulted in most of the group being reluctant to strip down and partake in any sort of bathing. Consequently, they all smelled almost as bad as the walkers. You got used to it, though.

“Definitely, I’ll put all this away and meet you by the cars?” Maggie nodded and disappeared out the tent flap. Shortly after, Cat wandered out of the woods and into the clearing with the cars, with her quiver, bow, and knapsack stuffed with relatively clean clothing, some towels, and a bar of soap. Her dark curls where clipped back, framing her pale face.

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So my plan for my weight loss is going to be to only eat meat once a day since my stomach can’t really digest meat that well, eat as minimum carbs as possible, and shovel vegetables down my throats! So here eat my meals I’ve planned to make for the week of 6/12-6\16 (will post pics up later tonight)
Breakfast
-½ cup of steel cut oats with 1 cup of coconut almond milk and a dash of cinnamon
- 2 kiwis and a cup of raspberries
- 1 cup of mango green tea
Snacks!
- I pre cut all my fruit and put it in tupaware and bring it to work this week it’s going to be watermelon and honeydew
-1 tomato cut up with half a cucumber
Lunch
-steamed broccoli with low sodium spaghetti sauce with three turkey meatballs
Dinner
- veggie burrito bowl
½ cup quinoa with a cup of cauliflower rice
Add siracha for flavor, bleach beans, bean sprouts, spinach, and in the morning cut up some fresh avacado!
All of this food equals out to about 1550 calories per day

4

Tuesday 10/10

✅ Workout & 10,000 steps
✅ Food log
✅ No alcohol

B
- honey bunches of oats with almonds
- 1% milk
- black coffee

L
- skinnytaste chicken rollatini with spinach
- angel hair pasta with marinara

D
- skinnytaste three bean turkey chili
- sour cream, shredded cheddar, scallions

S
- chobani coffee bliss flip

Switching up my goals a bit here mid-month.. I haven’t posted my accountability in about a week and I think what is my biggest issue is counting calories. Two of my goals centered around calories – tracking my food and staying within a calorie budget. I’m an all-or-nothing person typically, and if I miss a meal, I tend to just say “screw it” for the entire day. Which is demotivating come the next day. So I’m trying a simple log of my food - no calories to count, just a practice that will make me think about what I’m eating mindfully. Posting it here should help on the accountability front. I’m determined to make the second half of October better than the first.

So…. I am impure now….

I was driving home and saw a turkey crossing the road and was like “ooooh a turkey!” and pulled over to look at her/talk to her. I drove up a bit more an realized there was a whole flock of turkeys in the yard. 

But…. they were… mating

Like… three pairs of turkeys just… doing it… like birds do…. 

I drove up on a turkey orgy…..

The Perfect Christmas

For @anneelliotscat my dear giftee!

Prompt: “Well, that wasn’t so bad.”

Rating: G (Literally this might give you a cavity)

Summary: A super short and sweet ficlet about Gideon’s first Christmas. 

AN: Sorry for any mistakes, I procrastinated to the max and didn’t have time to send it off to a beta! Hope you enjoy anyway!


Rumpelstiltskin slumped back in his chair with his sleeping son resting in his lap. Having never really been a fan of the holidays either in Storybrroke of the Enchanted Forest, he still couldn’t wrap his head how in a matter of two weeks his wife had managed to turn their home from a cluttered mess of Gideon’s ever-present toys and magical antiquities into a cosy Christmas wonderland that would have made even Martha Stewart turn positively green.

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