thousands-kane

SHE'S A MILLION MILES AWAY - BUT WHO? AND WHERE?

It appears Mr. Kane has misplaced his significant other and penned a song to express his dismay. Clearly, he needs some assistance. But WHO is she? WHERE do we look?

He’s written the riddle but we can solve it with a bit of math. Consider the following:

  • Miles Kane is just about 6 feet tall

  • Miles Kane is from The Wirral


Basic math gives us the following, which we convert to the metric system because The Wirral is in England (see map):

  • 6 feet  = 72 inches and
  • 72 inches = 1.8288 meters

THEREFORE

  • 1 Miles = 1.8288 meters


The song gave us a separation distance of one million of these units, so

  • 1,000,000 Miles = 1,828,800 meters


But kilometers are a bit easier to work with

  • 1,828,800 meters = 1,828.8 kilometers, and
  • 1,828.8 kilometers = 1,000,000 Miles

Make sense so far? cool. Now we need to plot all the points on our map that are 1,000,000 Miles away from The Wirral.  But our map isn’t scaled to draw distances in Miles so we have to convert it back to miles
  • 1,000,000 Miles =  1,136.36364 miles

Our map key only measures in increments of 200 miles at a time, which just represents 17.59999994368% of the 1136.36364 mile distance we need for the radius of our circle. So we’ll cross multiply the 200mi key (52 pixels on the map) with the 1136.36364 mile distance (X pixels on the map)

200   1136.36364

___   __________

52              X

Which gives us   200X = 59090.90928

And after dividing 59090.90928 by 200X

We learn X = 295.4545464

Which is the length in pixels our line needs to be in order to represent a distance of 1,000,000 Miles



 

Now we take that line and place it directly on The Wirral facing North, South, East, and West


And then repeat the process from every different degree angle 



And the result is a nice set of plot points from which we can start trying to figure out which cities are in fact 1,000,000 Miles away from Miles. Obviously, these are the only places on Earth she could be.


Sorry Western European ladies, but if you land within this circle you are NOT the object of Miles Kane’s affection.  But who are the lucky finalists?



The answer lies in one of these cities places:



Our search is now narrowed down to the following locations, clockwise from upper left:

  1. Southern Iceland
  2. Straddling the border of Norway and Sweden
  3. Stockholm 
  4. Kauras Lithuania
  5. Warsaw 
  6. Sarajevo
  7. Naples
  8. Tatooine
  9. Cadiz

Well, the only connection that kinda jumps out is the time Miles spent in Russia with Alex Turner filming a TLSP video. It’s not exactly close enough to Warsaw, but to be fair it is within Army-Tank driving distance.

So there’s not much else that jumps out except this..


Yet another Alex Turner connection? Say it ain’t so.

No, there's no way. Let’s think about this logically.  We know Miles wasn’t in Stockholm at the time. Alex was.   The question is… 

But if Alex Turner were really the mystery girl, then surely Miles would’ve figured out the only way to get Alex where he wanted him would be to start touring with Arcti- 



…oh.


Well, this is awkward.

COMING THIS FALL FROM NEW LINE CINEMA:

After nearly a decade Eminem makes his return to the silver screen. No longer hanging around with low-functioning inbreds like Cheddar Bob and Mekkhi Phifer, this sequel teams Marshall Mathers up with an unlikely cast of new characters: Eight Miles Kanes.

Starring:

  • Eminem
  • Thousands Kane
  • Thousands Kane
  • Thousands Kane
  • Thousands Kane
  • Thousands Kane
  • Thousands Kane
  • Thousands Kane

and introducing…

Thousands Kane

Congratulations to Matt Helders on achieving “Verified” status on twitter.

UNFORTUNATELY nobody cares because it’s THOUSANDS KANE DAY and we’re celebrating our asses off.

Typical rookie celebrity mistake by the way. Real pros know these things. If you want people to notice your achievements:

Don’t release your movie the same weekend a Harry Potter comes out.
Don’t retire from your football team on the day we catch Osama Bin Laden
Don’t die at the same time as Michael Jackson
And for the love of god,

DO NOT DO ANYTHING NOTEWORTHY ON THOUSANDS KANE DAY