A/N: I mainly wrote this because I was having a panic attack yesterday. A really bad one. I want to mention that this is me and my anxiety. Like the kind of situation I’m describing could happen bacause of it.I know that I need help, I’m getting it, but I need time, that’s okay.If you feel like that or have any kind of anxiety or fear or depression or whatever please talk to me or someone else. You need to realize that people love you and things are going to be okay.
Warnings: Anxiety, Angst (If you get triggered easily, please don’t read this.)
Everything that is written like this, are my (in this story, the readers) worrying thoughts
Heavy breathing. Anxiety. Wanting to escape your own body. That’s how I explain my therapist what I feel. It’s always the same, since over five years. I was always wondering how she couldn’t get tired of me, always talking about the same stuff. But that is the truth. I always felt like that. Everything started when I was nine years old. It was the first time realizing that I don’t feel comfortable in my own body. Wanting to scrape off my skin, and escape. When my mum found me in my room, with bloody fingers and red stripes all over my entire body, she sent me to my therapist. Like I said, that was over five years ago. And I’m still here.
The problem about being in therapy is, that you have to open up to a complete stranger. You don’t share the same interests,never experienced the same. Strangers. Complete strangers. It took me about one year actually to tell her a little bit of my big story. When I first got into therapy,she wanted to see me every four weeks. Now it’s fours times a week. So most of the time, I spend it with my therapist talking how I feel like my body doesn’t belong to me. Great.
“What are you thinking about?” I snapped out of my thoughts, realizing that I’ve been stuck inside of my brain again.
“Stuff,you know.“ That wasn’t a lie. It was stuff, every kind of it.
„Tell me“, she said, giving me a look I couldn’t sort into a category.
„It’s complicated.“ Again, that wasn’t a lie.
„Try it, you’ll feel better afterwards.“ Oh I highly doubt that. But I guess I have to, since I had to kill another forty minutes.
„Isn‘t it weird how you don’t belong to yourself, like your mind does, but not your body. You’re not alone in it, there are so many bacteria inside of you, you couldn’t count them. Technically you’re only yours thoughts, but they also have their own opinions sometimes, you can’t stop them. They tell you what to do, no matter if you want to or not. Slowly, they’re taking over you and mind. You’re starting to lose yourself.“
Again, that look. It wasn’t a worried one, but also not happy. Yet she didn’t had a Pokerface.
„And what’s so bad about that?“, she asked,after some moments passed by.
„Well I guess the fact that you don’t belong to yourself, you’re trapped inside of something that’s meant to be your own self. You can’t escape.“
„How are things with Tom?“
Tom. Yeah he definitely was a miracle. You met him about two and half years ago. It was in a time, everyone left. But that made him different. He came, when everyone left. Throughout the years he was always with you. Every therapy, every crisis, every anxiety attack. Everything.
“Great.. I guess. He was home for a day, it was for his mums birthday celebration.” I smiled at the thought of that. We all had a lot of fun. Of course I was overthinking everything, but I still had fun.
“Do you still think, he deserves someone else?” Oh yes I did. I mean look at all the people he could date. All the models,actors or artists. Instead he dated someone who isn’t comfortable with their own self and has panic attacks multiple times a day.
„Why is that so?“
„He deserves someone..good. Someone he doesn’t have to worry about.“
„I talked to him on the phone a few days ago“, I know, he didn’t tell me but I knew. „He said he wants to be there for you, throughout all the bad times. He wants to see the happy you, and he wants to see you happy because you want to. Not to make him feel better.“ That hit me. The word „happy“ isn’t one I use very often. Some people are afraid to say the word „love“, for me it is the word „happy“. Happy. When do you know you’re happy? Like your brain could fool you the entire time, you wouldn’t know. Another force took over you and tries to make you feel things you actually don’t feel.
„I know. I’m trying my best.“
„You don’t have to try your best. The only thing you have to do is try better.“
„Like I always tell you, take your medicine and then let time do it’s work.“Great. So I am supposed to put some kinds of chemicals, that aren’t bad for you, inside of my body and all that bacteria and not freak out about that. Wow, so easy.
For the rest of our appointment, we talked about how the medicine was treating me, if there were any complications and if I need some new ones.
That’s how things went for another month. It was always the same, everyday, every week. Until he came home again, and this time it wouldn’t be just for a day. I got to spend weeks with him, which was kind of winning the lottery. Well of course you can’t compare a person to a thing such as money. Yet I still was incredibly excited.
And nervous. Of course I was nervous, nervousness is one of my bad habits. Overthinking was joined by nervousness and they combined something that I call my worrying thoughts. It wasn’t like an attack, I was used to it and but I knew when it came. This time, it was much worse than other times. He’s only coming home cause he feels bad for you. No he doesn’t. Yes, he may even break up with you, but just would be nice cause he would do it person. He won’t break up with me. Oh how can you be so sure about that? He told be he loved, a few hours ago and every day before that. He doesn’t mean that, he just doesn’t know how to leave someone as worse as you. Shut up. I won’t. Shut up! I won’t! SHUT UP!
I saw people turning around. Great, so I just screamed at strangers to shut up. Not embarrassing at all Y/N, not embarrassing at all.
I basically ran the way back home, looking at the ground.Even though the streets of London were really busy, I didn’t run into anybody.
As soon as I arrived home I was greeted by Tess, who tried to jump up my legs. “Hey beautiful”, I cooed “you cant imagine how much I missed you.” I nuzzled my face into her short fur. Do you think she thinks about all her existence? Stop. I was just wondering. No, stop ruining every moment I’m trying to enjoy.I was just taking care of you.
I spent the rest of the day inside, reading, cleaning and just thinking. Around 9pm I heard someone downstairs. Tessa heard it as well and she made her way to the door. She wasn’t barking, which only happened when Tom- he’s home. Ready to break your heart. No he won’t break it.
“Hey Tess, how are you? I missed you!” Oh gosh I missed this voice so much. I made my way downstairs but stopped at the half of the stairs. There he was, he actually was here.
“Hi.” he said.
It wasn’t uncomfortable we just stared at each other. He’s thinking about how to tell you the easiest way. No he’s happy right now. His job is being an actor I’m pretty sure he can fake it.
“Come here my love.”
Open arms and a wide smile. No you couldn’t fake that smile. I ran down the stairs and threw myself into him. His arms wrapped around me, while he nuzzles his face into my neck. I breathed in his scent,a little bit soapy. He always smelled like that and it always calmed me down. I could stay like this forever.
This is the last hug, you’ve seen that in movies. It isn’t our last one. How can you be sure? He wouldn’t do that to me. He flew all those miles just to see me. Or he found someone else around here and wanted to say goodbye first. Stop it! I’m just saying the truth! Stop it now! He doesn’t love you and he never will!
“LEAVE ME ALONE!”
I could hear my voice echoing in the room. Quickly, I opened my eyes. He was looking at me, nothing but sadness in his eyes. No. No no no no no. That’s your fault. You’re the reason he’s feeling like that.
“W-what did I do?”
“Nothing, you did nothing. It’s just I…I… i don’t know how to say it.“
I could feel the sadness in his eyes burning on my skin. That stupid skin. You don’t belong in this. I do, this is me. No, we share this with all of those millions of bacteria. All of us trapped inside. No. Stop making me think about that.
I felt my heart racing, my arms started to shake so did my hands and legs.You can’t escape. Never. You’re trapped inside with all of them,never belonging to yourself.
That was is. I was digging my nails into skin, pulling them up my arm. Far away, I could hear a voice. But that didn’t stop me. I kept repeating my actions until I felt a warm liquid on my fingertips. Go and escape. I can’t. Stop making me do this.
Someone pulled my chin and went back to reality. Tom was looking at me, confused and scared.
„What are you doing to yourself my love?“
„I can’t stop thinking.“
„It’s fine love okay?”
„I can’t stop thinking and it’s eating me inside and I can’t do anything. I feel like I don’t belong into this body and I want to escape. But I don’t know how. I keep thinking about all these bacteria inside of me and I ju-.“
Lips were pressed onto mine. I didn’t realize at first but as soon as I did I felt weak. I felt my legs gave in and a pair of arms grabbed my waist. Salt. Why do I taste salt? You’re crying. Why? Because you’re you and you can’t stop thinking. If you know that and I do, why do you keep torturing me. I’m not the bad one, because I am you. I’m one of your thoughts,a very strong one. I didn’t choose to be like this,it just happened. We need help. We have help. Do we? You’ve got your therapist and Tom. Tom.
He pulled away, wiping my tears.
“You didn’t stop hyperventilating and I thought this would may stop you. Did that make you feel uncomfortable, I remember when you couldn’t hug or be near anyone because you were scared.” He remembered.
“No, that was okay…it was okay.”
He was about to say something but I stopped him.
“Why are you still with me?”
“Why are you still here? With me?”
“Because I want to. I want to be with you. For the rest of my life. You understand me like no one else does. You know what to say. Always. You know everything about me and you accept that. I can be Tom around you not Tom Holland the actor. The true me. But most importantly. I want to make you happy. And not just happy because you want me to feel good. No. Happy because you want to. Happy because you love to live. I know it will be a long process but that is one of the main reasons I’m going to stay. I’ll stay till you find true happiness and won’t leave. I know it’s hard, having a distance relationship. I know it sucks and I hate it but that is one of the reasons I came home. I talked to your therapist and some people from work. You can come with me. You can travel with me. I can show you how amazing this life is. If you let me.”
Wow. I didn’t expect that. Me neither. He actually does. What? He actually does love you. You were right. This feels good. I know. Can we do this more often? We can try. Thank you.
He looked at you, a waiting expression on his face.
A smile. He smiled. That god damn smile I love so much.
“We’ll leave in three weeks, so we still have time left.”
“We can do this.”
I know that I wasn’t feeling good and I wasn’t fine. I have problems and flaws. I may don’t accept that. But there is one person that does. And in this very moment,with my person that loves me, I started to feel something that could be something like happiness.
I love you. You are loved. -j;