I want to be vulnerable, not needy. Powerful, not controlling. To be a listener, not silent. Courageous, not reckless. Engaged, not consumed. Authentic, not agreeable. And the grace to know that the line between these things will always be blurred. I want to be alive. Even when alive means admitting I need help and asking for what I want. Even when its made up of awkward conversations and tears that leak at the most inconvinent times. None of those things are intrinsic to me. I want to be done with striving and self actualization. I want to fall into a grace so deep that I drown in its redemption. To let The Gospel do it’s work in me.
There are so many things I want and they all begin with you. I want a to live a life with open hands. I want a heart that is set free. I want my life to be about other people, but I don’t want to resent them for it. I want a job that lets me love well and follow my dreams. I want to live a life of fears faced and lives changed. I want to learn to engage wholeheartedly and leave the results up to you. I want to be thankful continually. I want a courage that comes only from you. I want to stop thinking and start being. I want to seek you wildly. I want motives that I don’t even know how to ask for. I want you to be my home, so that I have freedom to be anywhere. I want to listen hard and philosophize less. I want to live an abundant life that rests under the weight of your glory. I want an integrity that holds through the darkest rooms of my soul. I want the Gospel to be alive inside of me. I want a kingdom heart that brings your redemption here. I want to revel in the inheritance you bought for me with your blood. I want to matter towards things that matter.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for my adoring family. Thank you for all my privilege. Forgive my inability to see all that you have given me. Forgive my selfishness. My indecision. My everything. Teach me how to know you. Teach me how to BE your daughter instead of just trying to do what I think you may want. Lately I feel as if maybe I am trying to punish myself for something and I don’t know what thats about. I feel as if my heart is closed. I feel as if all the plans in the world won’t make me feel better. I feel like I have this whole thing wrong and instead of asking you, I research you.
Right the wrongs in me. Knock out all the walls you want. Baptize me in the dark room of your love until I am wild with the colors and shapes you planned. Let this be a surgery I don’t wake up from until you are finished. I ask the questions of the year again: Will you pursue me? And will you not let me succeed in this life until I’m yours?