California messed with me. In all the best and worst ways. I am so relieved to be here, in the woods above Hawksbill Crag. Two hours from home, no service. Once again, it’s taken hours to arrive here; physically, mentally, and emotionally. It took two sermons, half my Hebrew playlist, a sunrise, a cortado, a mile and a half hike, and re-reading last month’s prayer to get to where I am right now. Such an investment. The ONLY investment.
Being in Cali reminded me what it was like to have the world at my finger tips. To be around friends who love and know me deeply. To so readily spend money on coffee and food. For all those “other” desires and pleasures to take Your place. For the past few months, I have felt that You control me, and then I control things. Cali reminded me of what it feels like for people to control me. It’s an overpowering and intoxicating feeling; hollow and anxious. It’s a hard line because here, I am not vulnerable. I am to my friends far away and I don’t feel dependent on them. All risks have to do with my status and pride and less to do with my emotions and relationships. Being with K again reminds me of what it feels like to want too much. I don’t know what it is, but I care so much about her and I become easily frustrated and/or hurt by the distance that inevitably takes its toll on my all or nothing existence. When I am not around her, I don’t remember to be sad.
I’m not saying this well at all.
California makes me feel seduced. As if the Devil is offering me all that he has that I want and I have to waste so much energy resisting it. [For example] Not thinking about K and what she will do, but also no detaching myself. Being reminded of marriage and relationships while not awakening a wanting I can’t control or a closed heart that can’t be penetrated [gosh, I complain about people who use that word]. Being reminded that the world is big and there is much I want to see and do, but limiting myself to the most important things. It’s a differentiation problem mostly. One I hope I can grow further and further into as The Gospel does its work in me.
I got to talk about the Gospel on my birthday. Not just talk about it, but convince a devastated boy, at least for one night, that Redemption is possible and happening for him NOW. What a gift it was to watch him weep with the weight and relief of the Truth. Four thousand dollars was donated to Weight of Glory [also on my birthday] and again, I am in awe of the gift God has given us in allowing us to play roles in His story. M sent the sweetest birthday card and I am floored by the way You have redeemed our friendship. May we only bring you glory as she moves back this December.
K and I talked for 6 hours via phone as she travelled this weekend. We talked about a thousand things. One thought that sticks out so much was talking about God’s role in romantic relationships. The metaphor we came up with had to do with outsourcing all our worth issues and problems with each other to the Great Counselor. How every relationship HAS to triangulate whether via a friend, cheating, a therapist, or ultimately, God. How, when those issues are “outsourced” there is so much more room to work on the real relationship. How when all passion and purpose are derived from The Source, no matter your differences, you are moving towards the same thing. You let go of the anxiety of knowing HOW you both will get there because you are both asking and seeking for the same things. K said that was a perfect description of why she and JE can’t be together now because they would just end up trying to take care of everything “in house.” I simultaneously realized that this is absolutely the biggest thing I miss about B. No matter how shitty things got, there was a relentless passion to know and do the will of God. Above all else, we bled and fought and crawled towards the throne of God. Completely transparent about how we were doing and as wholehearted as we knew how to be. Staking our lives on the Gospel. Him losing his, but I believe, dying on the right hill. I haven’t met another person as wholehearted about the Gospel as he was. SLA is the absolute closest. Which makes me wonder if it’s the threat of physical death that finally awakens that fire in a person.
Do other “healthy” people exist who search as passionately for Your heart?
I feel relatively passionate and relatively healthy and I haven’t met another like me. I don’t want to mean that arrogantly. And I’m certainly not complaining (I hope). I just don’t understand. Is it really my desire to be needed that I am calling “passion for God?” Like, B and SLA make me feel useful and meaningful. Is it really that selfish thing I love more than their passion I admire? [Or am I not seeing myself and others as accurately as I think I am?] I don’t know why I waste time trying to figure these things out. YOU are the answer to all things and even all this wondering gets in the way of that sometimes. Please overrun me. Overpower me. Consume me. Pursue me. Don’t let me succeed at things that don’t matter and please, please, please help me to daily give the prince of darkness his world back. He is a liar and a fucking monster and I want to develop a hatred for everything he owns. And I want to cultivate a deep love for all that you have created here. A transcendent love. A supernatural one. And the wisdom to know who owns what. I am gladly yours. Use me wherever you like. Give me the courage and the truth to fight valiantly. I love you. Build your kingdom HERE.
Win T’s soul. Use my whole life in your fight to save it. It’s a hill I’d be honored to die on.