thoughts of a fat chick

Why MMFD is so hard for me to watch (and why I have such love and hope for Rinn)

And Why Some Of You Basic Ass Bitches Are Riding My Last Nerve: A Essay By TheCurvatureOfFinnsAss

AND I WISH THE FUCKING READ MORE BUTTON WOULD WORK BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I’M GOING WITH THIS, I JUST NEED TO GET IT OUT. Jesus.

So, breaking all illusions that i’m Bidwell (unless i’m just messing with you guys), MMFD hits me so hard because it’s like watching my high school experience play out on the TV.

Alright, so, I’m a fat, punk rock chick and I was severly bullied in high school because I was a) fat and b) weird compared to my classmates. It didn’t help that I was intensely smart (I’m not bragging… I got a 34 on my ACT… math fucked me so hard) and all of the teachers sort of adored me. My freshman year, I got beat up 3 times. Once by the quarterback of the football team because I gave a speech about tearing down the patriarchy and yada yada yada. By the time I was 16, I had been in and out of hospitals and had tried to commit suicide 4 times.

I guess junior year wasn’t so bad because (like Rae) I had sort of wedged myself into a group of friends and they all loved me. But I was still just the “pal” and “one of the boys” (like Rae) because a lot of boys treat girls who aren’t the “standard” as if they are not female. I thought being in a relationship would make me suddenly love myself so I had a lot of fantasies and thoughts but I never acted on any of them… because I was the fat girl and I didn’t believe I was worthy of anyone’s love or time or affection.

So, middle of junior year. I guess I had resigned myself to being “forever alone” and sort of gave up on thinking I’d ever have a boyfriend. I ended up in a debate class during second semester which was a lot of fun because I live in Alabama and being a punk lady of size who regularly used the phrase “feasting on the hearts of men”, I was the only opposition to my classmates very standard, Republican, good ol’ boy values (except for my gay bff but he was very quiet because he feared for his life).

Our teacher always put me against the loudest, most opinionated swoon worthy boy asshole in the class named Jude and we’d duke it out. And while I had my cool girl facade on (the same one Rae uses) when I was arguing with him, I was dying because a) He was the captain of the baseball team and a total god and b) I couldn’t believe that he was ADDRESSING ME (because I still didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s time). And then it happened… at the end of a particularly ugly debate (I won, ha!), he gave me a hug and called me his “liberal friend”. You don’t understand the level of squealing I did when I got home.

We start hanging out a bit at school and I’m still stuck in this mode of “he thinks of me as his friend” and then he asks me to prom. Girls who haven’t gotten beat down, who haven’t been fucking mooed at and been pushed into the lockers would have thought being asked to the prom by FUCKING JUDE MASON, BASEBALL GOD OF SMALL TOWN ALABAMA was the greatest thing ever… and all I could think about was what he was trying to pull. So I said no and he ended up going with a cheerleader and it crushed my soul. No lie, it did.

We get to the last day of school. Jude and I have been hardcore dodging each other (because I thought he was playing some ‘haha make the fat chick think I like her game’ and he thought he had misread my feelings towards him I learned this later.) Last day of debate class and Coach tries to pit us against each other and we’re at the podiums and Jude looks at me and says, “I don’t get what your issue is.”

And I said, “I don’t get what the hell you’re up to.”

And then we FUCKING DEBATED OUR NONEXISTANT RELATIONSHIP IN FRONT OF THE CLASS FOR 25 FUCKING MINUTES.

And suddenly, I was Jude Mason’s, Baseball God, girlfriend.

I know how Rae feels to be in a relationship that feels terribly unequally yoked. I went to his games and girls would literally sit behind me and talk about how they didn’t understand how Jude could stand to touch me. His teammates made jokes (I know this because his best friend told me) and the longer it went on, the more frazzled I got. He was cool and calm (like Finn) because he’d never been bullied… he had no idea what it’s like walking around, waiting for the next blow.

September of senior year, I broke up with him. He hadn’t done anything wrong. I fucking loved him. But I couldn’t take the stares or the whispers or any of the other bullshit that seemed to follow us. And I felt like I was embarrassing him.

THIS IS WHY I HAVE HOPE FOR RINN.
Jude started dating other people. It was bound to happen. I started seeing someone else. We avoided each other, we refused to debate each other. These things happen in break ups. (It’s probably going to happen on the show but I hope not because I want episodes of happy/sexy) In December of that year, we were both single (my “relationship” with the other guy lasted a serious second because he was pulling some major shade) and Jude and I end up being seated next to each other on a school trip (I thought it was fate… he had given my best friend $50 to fuck off and let him have that seat). He asked me back out.

And I said no.

Because what would be the point? I was still unhappy with myself (but I was getting better and I was slowly starting to love me) and I told him all of this and he agreed it was for the best and while we didn’t get back together, we became friends. Best friends. We skipped Prom together and he hung around my friends and I went to his games. And in that time, I started liking things about myself and then I was overtaken with some really radical self love… and that’s what I want for Rae. I want her to fucking love herself because when you love yourself… you can truly love others. I want her to love Finn without exception. I want her to fuck his brains out in the daylight and not worry about if she jiggles and she can’t do ANY of these things until Rae loves Rae.

So, when I knew I really loved myself… I asked Jude out. Actually, I told him I fucking loved him after one of his games in front of his friends and teammates and he got all blushy and nervous and said “Bout time, you liberal moron. I love you, too.” And we’ve been together for 6 years now. We still get funny looks. Girls will still openly hit on him in front of me and that shit doesn’t even faze me because they don’t know what we went through to get where we are now.

I want that for Rae and Finn. I want it because I’m a sucker for a happy ending and Rae DESERVES to be happy. And it’s fucking time the fat babe gets the hot dude. Come on now.

Comebacks against homophobia

-“The thought of two guys having sex, it just makes me sick!”
Well the thought of your fat ass plowing some chick doesn’t get me off either.

-Homophobe: Adam and Eve, not Steve!
Me: its homosapiens not heterosapien 

-dude: “Two girls kissing is gross.”
you: “You may want to rethink your orientation, because it’s very common for straight guys to dig it…”

- “thats so gay”
You: Yes, it is happy, thank you.
Homophobic person: What?
You: Well, you meant happy, didnt you? Because, nothing about _____ points to one’s sexual orintation.
Homophobic person: (Im stupid and confused now)
You: (walk away)

- fuck you nasty dyke !
Don’t be mad just because I don’t love you back.”

-Homophobe saids something:
“It’s funny how gays can spot other guys in public!” or “Your gaydar is very good. 

-Why don’t you like girls? 
Im allergic to nuts

does someone else know something too? Then leave a comment below and maybe I will use t for the next one :D 

My favorite part of Onion Friend

I’ve said before that I think that Amethyst is the prettiest gem.  And the fact that she was used as a model in this episode made me really happy.

Before my mom knew Amethyst’s name, she used to refer to her as “the fat chick.”  And it seems like a lot of teams have a “fat chick,” and most always, they wind up being the butt of every joke.  They’re the ones who stand by and act hilarious and sassy while the main character worries about her image.  Because the fat chick isn’t allowed to even think about her image, because the fat chick is never given the hollywood makeover to remove her ponytail and glasses to become hot, because the fat chick can’t ever be hot.

But in this episode, Vidalia found Amethyst beautiful.  Like me, she thought that she was the prettiest and most inspirational. 

Amethyst, the team fat chick, was someone’s muse.  Not despite her being fat, not because she was fat, but just because Vidalia liked her inside and out.

And… this means a lot to me.

Fat Chick Thoughts

I feel like I’ve been completely robbed of my physicality. Like I spent so much of my life told to be small, trying not to jiggle, making sure no part of my walk to be construed as a waddle. Most of my life has been focused on weirdly trying to hide the fact that I’m fat.

When I watched Ghostubusters; for the first time in years, maybe even decades, I found myself jealous of a thin women: Holtzman. Not because she was prettier than me, or thinner than me, but because she got to use so much physical humor, that she got to take up so much space, something that society had denied me.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten less likely to give a fuck about jiggling, and more comfortable taking up space, but I feel completely divorced from my body. I grew up with it being something other than me, because I was a smart, funny, creative person, but I needed to be thin so people could see that. Me and my body became two very separate entities. And I really wish I wasn’t raised to feel like that.