thought this story would fit on my tumblr

4

I just found some old pictures of my first love. I was 1, she was 2 in the first picture (that I like to call “my first kiss”). I’m the one with shorter hair. We went to pre-school together and wanted to get married when we would grow up. But when I told my mom she said “It’s not possible  in France honey”. I was angry, I didn’t believe my mom so she brought me to my preschool teacher. She said to me “I’m sorry Maryne, two girls or two boys can’t get married in our country, your mom is right”. I cried for days. As she was a little older than me, she went to elementary school and I was alone, still in pre-school. We lost each other, and met again in high school. We were talking a little but not that much. 

This year when the same sex marriage law passed in France, I recieved a message saying “Now we can get married ;)” from this girl. And that was the most adorable thing ever.

I really wish that marriage equality would pass in every country. When I thought about my childhood and my mom remember me how I cried for days ; it breaks my heart to think of all the little kids who, since their younger age, think that they aren’t supposed to love who they want freely.

Oohhhhh man.

@jennykisssedme Just inspired me to get my thoughts out there. I joined tumblr for fun. I saw this community, and wanted to be a part of it. As I became more comfortable expressing myself and my beliefs I enjoyed it more and more. I have made some great friends here whom I speak with daily. Although I am classified as an NST because I don’t ship, and feel the need to call out bad behavior I didn’t come here with that intention. I came her to express myself, and chat about the story that I adored (OL) with a group I felt that I would fit in with. At this point I’m feeling so drained. Kudos to those of your who have been here from the beginning. The past seven months feel like seven years to me. I’m not going anywhere, but feeling a little bit of second hand whiplash. Also, just want to add that shaming really bothers me. Feel how you want to feel, but don’t shame others because they feel differently.

I was a 16 year old girl in fandom, just getting into Homestuck, and I saw there was a lot of activity on tumblr for it. So i started following more people on tumblr and of course I got exposed to trans stuff.

A lot of it fit, like persistent thoughts of not wanting to be a girl, thinking my name was too girly, etc. But I was worried that I was just getting caught up on gender roles and being a girl wasn’t really what i hated, being a “girl” was.

So I started doing more research. I went off tumblr to hear stories from other trans people. I saw that a lot of them didn’t exactly fit the stereotype of their gender. But still they felt the need to transition. It was the only thing that made the dysphoria go away.

I thought a lot. I thought deeply about myself, what my life could be like. Of course, no one in this society likes being treated as a “girl”. The way we treat people born female is awful. But being a “man” isn’t so great either. I always felt scared to grow up, scared i would grow breasts and hips, getting a period, I even starved myself to get rid of it. I justified it to myself as being “cute” and loli-like.

Somewhere in the back of my head, I felt like I would grow tall and flat. I just was expecting it, despite all logic, like instinct. In the same way, male-directed lessons spoke to me. I knew rationally, I was not male. But something inside me recognized myself in maleness. Even with all the evidence, it was a hard decision. I could ruin my life if it was the wrong choice. But as soon as the idea was in my mind, it started to hurt more and more urgently.

I felt even more alienated from my body, my presence in the world, the thing people spoke to was not me, the thing people looked at was not me. I always felt uncomfortable in my body, but I figured it was normal for girls. Seeing girls who were masculine, who were comfortable with their body, blew that idea apart. I was so scared, more scared of anything I’ve ever been in my life.

When I finally decided to do it, to start changing my name and pronouns, I felt an immense rush of relief and happiness. But it was brief. People doubted me, thought I was going on a trend and I’d change back in a couple of years. My boyfriend at the time said I’m not trans, and of course left me. I lost a lot of friends. I lost the ability to get a job. I lost the ability to socialize in school. I wasn’t passing. It was still worth it.

At first I didn’t know what truscum was. I started seeing more posts that made me uncomfortable. People talking about men’s vaginas, asking everyone to constantly think about my dysphoric parts, people showing their dysphoric parts and demanding acceptance. Coercing us to look at fetishistic porn, to see it as “representation”. They seemed to want to force us to accept our bodies, if we didn’t we weren’t forward-thinking enough, not trans enough. I felt dysphoric every day, could barely stand the sound of my own voice, especially now that I was out. I felt like a clown. I wanted to be masculine, I wanted to be rid of this body that prevented me from truly interacting with the world.

But I couldn’t say that, there was nothing. No place for trans people like me. If being trans was a choice, what did it say about me, that I wanted to be masculine? I felt ashamed and guilty for it. But I also felt embarrassed and ashamed to be androgynous, or feminine. I wanted to be a guy, I wanted to be real. I wanted to feel my own body when i move around. But that was wrong.

I don’t remember the first time I came across the word ‘truscum’. I remember it crushed me. Learning that my kind were not only unaccepted, but hated and shunned. All this time I was figuring it out, I also wanted to be an artist for Homestuck, just to go on having fun and enjoying what I normally do. But now I was scared scared scared at someone would find out I was truscum. I’m 20 now and I still am.

I deleted my tumblr and tried to hide from the whole trans thing completely. I just wanted to pass as a guy and put it behind me. I didn’t want to deal with being truscum. I thought it would pass, that all the other young people like me would reason it out and come to the same conclusion I had. But it never did.

Since I was scum, I went to where the scum go. I stayed on HSG and had some amount of fun. It wasn’t really what I wanted. I wanted to be an artist, to make friends that I could be creative with and make my own stories. But that kind of thing is frowned upon on 4chan.

I wallowed for years, watching others achieve my dreams. I thought briefly that I could become like the other drawfags. I thought I was safe there, away from the tumblr community, where I could just forget about being trans. But they brought it to me. Reminding me that even among scum, I’m the worst scum.

It hurt a lot. There was, and is no one to care for me. But I’ve learned that’s not neccessary. That’s just part of being a man. They drink my tears and laugh about it. I can either be weak and hurt, or I can say fuck you anyway and turn my back. This isn’t the person I wanted to become. I idolize kind and soft men. I love funny, creative, chill people. But I can’t be that person anymore. I have to fight at every turn. I can’t make people happy. All I do is make people uncomfortable and sad.

I can’t enter the art community. There’s no place for truscum there. I’m a monster. I didn’t heal from my depression and become a happy, friendly person like I wanted. I didn’t get to be creative and share my stories with anyone. I will never be welcome amongst people like that. I’m evil. I’m the bad guy. Acting like one of them would be deceptive. If I ever told some of my favorite artists they make me uncomfortable, I would be laughed off tumblr. There’s no respect for people like me.

But I’ve learned a lot about people. The people I loved weren’t as good as I thought they were. No one truly is. I used to be full of so much love and trust, like a fool. I used to think that if you work hard enough, and do the right thing, anyone can acheive their dreams. But life’s not fair like that. Some people are just trash. And I’m one of them.

31/05/16

I was addicted to his pain
I had never known anything good, so when he came along he fit into my world perfectly
Every time he left me I felt distraught
But it was okay, this was how it was supposed to be I thought
I thought that my pain and his pain would turn into something great
But that was the biggest mistake I ever made


And someone else out there will be enough of a disaster for me to love
I’m sure of this