I might be quiet, but I eat lunch with friends, crack jokes and talk about music and makeup. every minute I spend in their presence tears at my being, but I persist, I grit my teeth and take your immaturity and stupidity, your small minded remarks. why do I do it? I do it so no one will harass me for being alone, even if that’s when I feel most comfortable. I do in hopes of it benefiting me–someone will give me cash or know someone who will help me in my career.every day my mind wavers between people being obstacles standing between me and my goal and people being tools and stepping stones I can use to achieve my goal.
There are things in this world that I love and sometimes I get really emotional about and then I have to write them down because I want to share. Do you love these too?
I love laughter. There’s nothing in this world that I actually love MORE than seeing someone laughing. That moment where a person just breaks into laughing is the sight I could die to and be at total peace. It’s a sight that fills me with such satisfaction. Even if I wasn’t responsible for the laughter, seeing someone laugh fills me with this happiness and joy so strong it’s hard to explain. That moment; that fraction of a second when you try so hard not to laugh and then the floodgates burst and you can’t contain it; I love that more than anything.
I love that sudden realization that the person you’re talking to has thoughts they will never share with anyone. I love that everyone is ALIVE. They have their own thoughts, their own problems, they have their own things that make them happy or sad. I love that I can be looking at a person and the thought will just hit me and be like what fun it must be to be you. You have things that you love, you have things that you hate; you have favourite foods and favourite colours… certain smells will remind you of things, certain sounds will take you back to your childhood. What fun it must be to be you…. gods you must be so amazing, so alive, so unique! You have so much going on up in your head that I’ll never know about and I LOVE that!
I love when people are passionate and excited about something they love. That look of excited eagerness to share the thing you;re passionate about? Even if I don’t like the thing, I like your enthusiasm and that it makes you happy and that it makes you smile. I like that you could talk about this subject for hours because you’re so passionate about it! It doesn’t matter what you’re saying, I love that you love it so much!
I love when people realize something deep about themselves that they find important and I love when they try and explain it even though most of the time it’s hard. Sometimes it;s bottled with catharsis- you’ve known about it but you didn’t know how to put it into words and now you can finally describe it with a kind of amazed relief? It’s so wonderful to see! You’ve had some kind of self-recognition that helps solidify how you see yourself as a person? PLEASE tell me about it. I love it! I love that you’ve reflected and come to this conclusion, I love that this excites you and makes you want to tell everyone that you finally understand a piece of yourself that you didn’t understand before!
I love the inability to express just how much you love something. I love when a person is so strongly attached to something or head over heels in excitement and they can’t form words, they can only babble in a string of nonsensical excitement or they try to make sense of what they;re feeling and it’s just so hard to explain so they look at you and say things like “you know what I mean?!” because I might not know what you mean but I love that you’re feeling it!
I love that all kids like dinosaurs. I love that no matter who they are they are fascinated with them. I love how excited they are, and how fantastical dinosaurs seem to them. I love that dinosaurs were real so you can tell a kid who loves them that yes unlike dragons or unicorns they existed and we have PROOF. They get so excited!!!
I love when music gives you shivers. I love how music can evoke emotions so strongly in a person that they feel shivers and they just stop whatever they were doing, whatever they were thinking and just feel what the music makes them feel. It can be different for each person but the fact that a piece of music can evoke such an intense response is something I adore.
He told me that we couldn’t fix what was already broken.
I told him that broken crayons still color.
He said no one wants to deal with that. It’s much easier to just find new crayons. Throw the old ones away.
And you wonder why I still feel like trash.