thought i loved you

coping

my thoughts are withered
my eyes are bloodshot
my breath smells like i’ve taken one too many shots

tears marks are racing
i’m done misplacing
is my heart at ease now?

confused and intoxicated
feeling trapped in my own skin
wanting to rip away the layers that i’ve buried myself in

i’ve been chained to this life
with loose weights and rusty metal
i’ve become so weak that i can’t move

i thought i was getting better
but i lie to make myself happy
but what’s happiness without vices and you

For anyone who ever falls in love with her or is lucky enough to get into a relationship with her. But hopefully she’s mine till the day I die. But take some of these things on board. - From someone who is in love with her and has been for 3 years. And always will be.
She loves FaceTime calls, especially video calls she’ll probably like seeing you because I definitely like seeing her. And hearing her voice. Her voice is special, and perfect to me because it’s hers. I could listen to her talking all day. Even if she’s complaining. She absolutely hates slow replies and being ignored, so reply to her as quickly as you can. And if you go out or you’re busy, make sure you tell her. Don’t allow her to overthink, and worry about you. It’s bad for her. Listen to her. Especially when she talks about something that makes her happy or inspires her. Listen. Even if she talks for hours , listen. Have deep conversations with her, about anything. She loves that. Talk to her for hours until 4am and you’re both tired , but happy so it doesn’t matter. Talk about weird things , like I do. Reincarnating into a tiger and a dolphin, so when we both die we can be happy together. Yes that’s weird but it’s us, and I love that. I’m sure she does too. Make her feel wanted, she absolutely hates feeling unwanted. I can assure you she’s wanted. More than anything by me. Send her cute messages and paragraphs , anything to make her smile, it’s difficult to make that girl smile. So it’s extremely precious to me when I see her smile. Be patient with her, it takes time to understand her. Wait. Wait a long time, as long as you need to wait until she’s comfortable to tell you something, for example if she’s in a bad mood. Don’t pressure her to tell you, don’t assume things. Yes I do that because I’m insecure and I overthink. But don’t make assumptions. Wait until she’s ready, but reassure her, so she knows you care. Please be patient and she’ll open up to you, if she trusts you. And it’s very hard to gain her trust. Appreciate her. Everything about her, how beautiful she is from head to toe. Her soul, her heart , her mind. I mean everything. This girl is special. Real fucking special. When she’s insecure and gets jealous of other girls , remind her she’s the best. To me she’s the best anyway. I wouldn’t want anybody but her. Admire every single thing about her. Emphasis on admire. She’s perfect. My perfect dolphin, I’d call her. That’d make her smile. All our little weird conversations mean a lot to me, and all our memories. I love her smile though, she hates it. But out of all the thousands of smiles I’ve seen hers is the best. I honestly can’t put into words how beautiful she looks when she smiles. The way her eyes glisten, sparkling omg. She hates her eyes too, because they’re “ boring brown” but to me they’re far from boring. They’re the type of eyes I could look into all day long and not for a second be bored. Even sitting in silence with her is perfect. The vibes off her are the besttttt. It’s unexplainable tbh. (( yo it’s 1:47am))
Don’t use her, never do that, she’s been hurt way too many times before and doesn’t deserve any more pain. Her happiness means the world to me. And if she ever becomes yours, do your best to keep her happy. This girl is different from the rest, NO ONE is like her. I swear you’ll never come across someone as perfect, precious, beautiful, amazing, out of this world etc. (I could go on) like her. Sometimes I have to ask myself if I’m dreaming, because the amount of love she shoes and all she does for me is unbelievable. And if you can ever call her yours , you’ll be very blessed to have her. This girl has her guard up too, a huge wall you have to break down bit by bit, for a very long time. Until you know her. I don’t know her to the full extent but I know her better than anybody else. And I lover her more than anybody else has or ever will.
She loves being called babygirl, princess or wifey. Or in our special kinda way she’s my dolphin. Something like that will make her smile. Don’t call her “B” or “baby” or “ babe” she thinks it’s cringe, or “ year 7 relationships” she’d say. And don’t put like 100 heart emojis or weird emojis when you text her, just be normal. When she’s happy she’ll put a lot of emojis. Pay attention to them. They represent her mood. It’s pretty important to me.
She’s passionate about reading and she’s soooo fucking good at writing. Anything. Literally. She’s the most intelligent, smart , brainy ( whatever you wanna call it ) girl I’ve met. No exaggeration at all. She absolutely loves getting new stationary, fine liners , coloured felts, glue, sticky notes, sexy note pads. You name it. And if she loves you she’ll spend hours and hours creating things for you. She’ll write you books if she’s 100% in love with you ( I’m lucky asf to get that ) even make a canvas of photos together. She will do a HELL of a lot. So appreciate that. If she’s ever yours. I appreciate her and I’m so thankful for every single thing she does.
She loves bright colourful sunsets ( purples and pinks , blues ) she likes it when they start to go dark though right at the end of them. She would spend ages taking photos of the sky , until it’s “ right ”. Sunsets are another thing that make her happy. Her happiness is key, remember that. And I hope In the future, me and her can sit and watch sunsets together. But if she becomes yours, please sit and admire the sky with her. Do anything you can to make her happy. She deserves happiness. And more. She loves romantic movies, tbh they’re her favourite, and horror movies. Lying in bed and watching a movie she’ll like, will make her happy. Some days she will push you away, and she’ll get angry at you for little things, but you need to understand that, that’s her. But try and stay, reassure her. Tell her how much she means to you, she loves when I do that. She will just stay in bed some days , not move at all, cry and hate herself. Those are the difficult days, don’t leave on those days. Do whatever you can to make sure she’s okay. Remind her that everything will be okay , the bad thoughts will go away. They don’t last forever. Better things will come.
She gets jealous too, very easily , if she loves you. Focus on her and nobody else, don’t ever take her for granted. Ever. And she doesn’t like going out, in crowded places , so don’t pressure her to go out. Whenever she’s ready you’ll know. She’ll prefer being indoors as long as she’s in the presence of someone she loves. That’d make her day, she’d say to me. There are a thousand of other things I could say, but hopefully this gives a decent idea. If you’re ever lucky enough to call her yours , protect her, love her, appreciate her etc. Take all of this into consideration. There’s much more but this is what comes to mind right now. But hopefully nobody else will ever have her and she’ll be mind until forever ends. If one of us die. But I will always love her no matter what. Regardless of anything, literally anything. I promise that.

@x-my-mind-is-a-warrior-x
I just want to live in this moment forever. Just you and I driving around town with the windows down. Laying in your bed naked with nothing but a thin sheet across our torsos. Drunken kisses. Us being so high together and laughing at everything. Our fights on who loves who the most. This is the moment I live for. I want to live with you forever and if there’s no you, I don’t want to live at all..
—  We were made for loving each other.

So…apparently I hit 520+ followers and I don’t know how because I’m trash and I really can’t believe I have so many people following me like I’m amazed! Thank you guys so much! In honor of this, I would like to point out some of my amazing mutuals and to tell you guys how much I love you all!!

This is also in a completely random order just fyi

@shirooyashaa @freezingdreamer @kanekkis @katsukieyuuris @dokikiri @arminhasthebestbooty @littlebird12j @laceyotakulover @laance @umbrella-kun @yama-yama-kun @princelelouchs @shitnya @thetributethatvolunteered @nerddotjpeg @murasakihime @wiernys @kingshadows1001 @wormagain @aikashipseverything @phanwithme @nishinoya-trash @whos-gonna-love-you @the-red-rose-dragon @bokutos-sowlmate @bokutoowlking @captoikawa @bungaystraydogs @just-a-nob @soupcocku @a-chuuya @chuuyahara @misamtt @fruitsnake @sassyysauce  @jobei @mitonochi @trashykawa-h @todorokv @rowyal

I know that I have more mutuals than what I listed but I wanted to give you guys a special shout-out because, well, you guys are amazing! Whether you’ve been following me for a year or a week, I treasure each and every one of you and I want to thank you all for being such amazing people! Stay awesome my loves!!!

important reminder to myself

don’t spend the whole summer drinking.
buy micron pens and learn to draw again.
buy a flower press and a real journal to be creative in.
learn about yourself, grow and flourish.

write poems write songs
make collages and learn to use water colour
and most importantly,
love yourself.

She never understood when I told her she’s beautiful, she didn’t look like girls from the magazine but she had something else that made her beautiful. The shining she had in her eyes when she was talking about things she love or the ability to make me smile without doing anything. I didn’t call her beautiful for something as temporary as her looks it was her soul which made me fall for her.
—  Own
I was never really sure of anything. I mean I thought I was sure for a while. But then you came along… and you put it all in perspective for me. I don’t need to be sure of anything. And this isn’t the cheesy quote where I say “but I’m sure of her” because truth be told I’m not. I’m not sure we will be together in years, months from now. No I’m not, I wish I could say I was. But the only thing I am sure of, is I will wake up and I will try my hardest to win your heart over every god damn day of my life until otherwise. And I am not sure what that otherwise could be… but until otherwise, your heart is mine & my heart is yours. And that is one thing I am sure of.
—  Not too sure, but sure of you