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Rap is usually pigeonholed into bragging about chains, cars, and money, talking shit, or constantly competing for champion status, but what about when we are broken hearted? While artists like Drake have perfected the sentimental craft of heartbreak, artists have been spitting about love and loss since the beginning of the era. These records are proof that Drake’s not the only rapper in the game who needs some love and maybe a hug too. For those of you who are more Wu-Tang Clan then Taylor Swift, this is especially for you. “The Break Up Song” - Wale

“Yeah, see, breaking up is hard, to move along, it’s even harder.” Geniusly modeled after 500 Days of Summer, Wale lets us in on the plotlines of his infamous breakup, reality and expectations included. “My Problem (Jealousy)” - Juelz Santana

“But I’m stickin with my heart, now look, I’m sittin in the dark” Fans have to thank this Diplomat member for his apology letter turned rap, regrets and all. If there is one thing to come away with, jealousy always kills. “Thin Line” - Macklemore ft. Buffalo Madonna

“I said peace before but this time I meant it.” For the epitamy of the on and off again relationship, Macklemore describes the nuances of why it is so goddamn difficult to leave for good. “Little Bit” - Drake

"Hand down, I’m too proud for love; but with eyes shut, it’s you I’m thinking of.” Accompanied by the serial unrequited lover, Lykke Li, Drake’s version of Little Bit expresses the heartbreak of finally letting someone in while struggling to keep your pride in the process. “Situationships” - Fabolous

“And what’s crazy is soon as you fall back, they crawl back, saying they sorry and want it all back.” From the famous Soul Tape series, Fabolous single handedly defines the problem of our generation - situationships. With clips from Baby Boy and Martin, you’ll want to hear this, break up or not. “Love Me Not” - J. Cole

“And ‘Where I Wanna Be’ was my favorite song. Sometimes I still be on my Donnell Jones but I just can’t leave you alone.” For those of us who go back with Cole to Friday Night Lights and are sick of this in and out of love type shit - and yes Cole, that includes you too. “Days In The East” - Drake

“She said, ‘when that shit is real, you just know.’ And I was thinkin’ bout you, you already know.” Maybe about Rihanna, maybe not. Either way, this track delivers that ideal type of darkness we need attended by the imagination of drinking tea and talking love with Erykah Badu. “Ordinary Love Shit, Part 1, 2, & Closure” - Joe Budden

“But wait, it’s to the point I gotta ask myself, why the fuck is it so easy to detach myself? Maybe it ain’t you, just something I lack myself, but if these wounds are self inflicted I can patch myself.” Classic Joe Budden, with Sade in the background, he does not hide a thing. Joey has to be the most sensitive member of Slaughterhouse, just check his twitter account for the brutally honest love advice he shares practically 24/7. “I Lied” - Nicki Minaj

“Cause what happens if I fall in love, then you cut me loose? You just a heartbreaker, won’t let you break mine.” I was not a fan of Nicki, but once The Pinkprint dropped, that changed. She revealed rooted pain from her life including abortion, family, and insecurities; showing more to Nicki than the female rapper with pink wigs. “Objects in the Mirror” - Mac Miller

“People love you when they on your mind, a thought is love’s currency.” Some speculate Mac is speaking about his relationship with drugs, most specifically, lean. Regardless, we feel every ounce of pain within the fucked up relationships we feel most chained to. “IFHY” - Tyler, The Creator

“I never would’ve thought that feelings could get thrown in the air cause I accidently caught that. I need some new boxing gloves, shit got hectic whenever I fought back.” Heartbreak is a myriad of stages. IFHY, is the stage better known as, “Fuck, feelings? Crap, this blows” - I feel you Tyler. “Sorry” - T.I. ft. Andre 3000

“Too much pressure, I peel off, I’m sorry; Was young and had to choose between you and what the rest of the world might offer me, shit what would you do?” Mannn, this track? A special thanks to Andre 3000 for this track, including every piece of heartbreak life offers us. Babylon - SZA ft. Kendrick Lamar

“I’m sure I’ll be the death of me - And I can’t recall the last time I took love from anyone. I called daddy, who’s got one anyway? Not me” Coupled with SZA’s hypnotizing vocals and Kendricks dark but honest verse, this TDE collaboration is all types of pain jammed into one. If you need lonely emptiness, with eerie background samples, this is exactly what you’ll get. “The Worst” - Jhené Aiko

“I don’t need you - but I want you. I don’t mean to - but I love you.” Gotta thank my girl Jhené for this one, because some people are the absolute worst. However what makes our heart break even worse is how much deep down, we still love and miss them. “Teenage Love” - Slick Rick

“For the feelings were the same, now here’s the score. You love him too much, and they don’t love you anymore.” Let’s take it back to Slick Rick the ruler because maybe if our generation had more of these type of tracks when we were younger, things would be different. “I Want You Back Lady Lady” - BJ The Chicago Kid

“But, I want you back, I want you back, I want you back, baby we can have one last laugh.” BJ is a true musician because he does it all. From his debut album, Pineapple Now-Laters, he never fails to incorporate the perfect amount of soul, tenacity, and production into every track, just ask everyone he’s work with. “Leaving You” - Fabolous

“Never saw it coming, what a cheap shot. Your strongest enemies the one who know ya weak spot.” I’m sure relationships can end on a good note, but a majority of break ups will leave you feeling bitter as hell. As Fabolous flaunts on the first installment of The Soul Tape, despite how badly people hurt us, we’ll still debate opening that casket again once more. “Song Cry” - Jay-Z

“Shit I’m a man with pride, you don’t do shit like that. You don’t just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that. ” The perfect song for those of us who have never been too good at crying. Despite Hov admitting to all his mistakes, he still is left in shock that a female would actually get up and leave. “Heartbeat” - Childish Gambino

“Ayo, fuck this. Are we dating? Are we fucking? Are we best friends? Are we something? In between that?” Just in case you needed some visuals, the music video depicts everything about not having the only person you truly want. With Childish Gambino walking us through it, we know ain’t no one else we’d rather drive around, eating Cheetos with than that special someone. “Sellin’ Dreams” - Big Sean ft. Chris Brown

“What was no strings attached got tangled when fun stopped being fun, and feelings tried to finagle in. We had that independent love, you tried to bring a label in.” Detroit is one of my favorite mixtapes, filled with story after story. This track keeps right in theme of the tape, with Chris Brown added in for the extra R&B type of heartache. “Autumn Leaves” - Chris Brown ft. Kendrick Lamar

“Before I sleep I talk to God, he must be mad with me, it’s coming; I’m confused who I’ll spend my forever with.” Chris Brown delivers this song for those of us still holding on. With a flow and tempo drawing in slowing like the ocean we watch, Kendrick Lamar’s verse shakes us up while simultaneously helping us regain our strength. “Losing My Balance” - J. Cole

“Hoping this will reach you when you understand, that your value ain’t determined by another man. Cause right now you let them brothers get the upper hand.” Easily one of Cole’s most overlooked tracks, from The Warm Up, the quintessential story teller that he is, Cole delivers so many types of heart ache on one track. With the media’s affect on our self-esteem, surviving everyday in the hood, or even, first love - the heart is bound to be broken. “Heartless” - Kanye West

“You bringing out a side of me that I don’t know. I decided we weren’t gonna speak, so why we up 3 AM on the phone?” It’s all in the name. Kanye lets em know how truly heartless people can be - in addition to the superficial, unappreciative, or best yet, those people who are forever hot and cold. “Undying Love” - Nas

“I ain’t know whether to cry or just, try to laugh it off.” From, I Am …, Nas shares the most detailed account of being cheated on and automatically losing it, leaving listeners feeling nothing less than haunted. “Opposites Attract” - Kendrick Lamar ft. Javonte

“And so he said, why you gotta be so kind hearted? Why you couldn’t be a con artist? Why you couldn’t? Why you couldn’t be mischievous or just a lil devious the moment that we first started?” Before good kid, m.A.A.d city, Kendrick first began to blow up after the release of Overly Dedicated. This track weighs heavy on the heart with a chilling outro of Lamont Carey’s poem, “ She Says She Loves Me.” Click here to listen to the poem in full.

 You can find the entire playlist here!

25 Haunted House Workers Reveal Their “Worst-Of” Stories | Thought Catalog

I LOVE haunted houses. They’re so fun. Being freaked out and getting tormented? What else do you want from a haunted house?! What’s your worst haunted house story?

1. The screams were terrible

I was dressed as a vampire and standing in a coffin. When people would come around the corner, I would jump out and scare them.

A woman came through and I jumped out. The woman lets out this piercing scream and jumps backwards. She hit the wall so hard she dented it pretty badly.

She kept screaming and wouldn’t stop. She was hyperventilating, crying, on and on. I was afraid to approach her and make it worse. I had to completely drop character and tell one of the guests to go get an uncostumed worker to assist her.

Someone comes, gets her calmed down. She even talks to me and finally laughs about it. She leaves and I’m so relieved she was okay, but it really shook me up.

Thirty minutes later: SHE COMES BACK. I don’t jump out of the coffin, I just walk out and say ‘What are you doing here??’ She gets this embarrassed look on her face and says, “I had fun.”

Looking back on it, the funniest part were the looks on the faces of the people behind her in the line the second time. To them, this vampire just walks out of a coffin and gets all bossy with some random woman.

2. The shock on his face made a lasting…impression

When one particular big, burly dude figured out I was not, in fact, a mannequin and I could, in fact, get out of my “cage” and come for him, he ran so fast he went through one of our temporary walls like something out of a cartoon. Worst for him, funniest for his friends and me!

3. The terror was real

I’ve never worked at a haunted house, but when I was in high school, I saw a guy throw up in one of those “Room O’ Mirrors,” the ones that make it hard to find the door and leave.

I saw it from every angle. Finding the exit was never so important.

4. Bodies, bodies everywhere

Not personally witnessed, but here’s my story. About six years ago I worked at a haunt in North Carolina. In one part of the trail, there were body bags that contained mannequins, except one that had a coworker inside. He freaked out a lot of people, but one group came through, drunk and high, got really freaked out and beat him pretty badly. He got sent to the hospital, they got sent to jail.

5. An employee almost died

I didn’t work at the haunted house but I went to it around the same time this happened. Some girl working there was supposed to be on a bathtub with a rope around her neck loosely. But she slipped and ended up hanging herself. Luckily, another one of the employees noticed while walking through and got her down before she died.

It was at Creepyworld in Saint Louis for those that want to look it up

6. There was no sex that night

I volunteered for a local Haunted House one year and made a girl pee herself. Literally all I did was stand right on the other side of the door and put on the evilest grin I could conjure up. I was dressed as some kind of crazy blood soaked mail man or something. They didn’t give me any lines or directions, they basically just told me to be scary. So, some poor girl walked in, held in the arms of her boyfriend and upon seeing me she screamed so fucking loudly and just wet her pants right there. Her boyfriend just kept pushing her through my room and into the next. It was an interesting experience.

7. They touched a real, dead thing

Kid found a dead bird on the ground while waiting outside.

As a prank, he went inside and inserted into a sensory box, which is a black box where people put their hands in, and feel “brains” or something, even though it’s actually spaghetti, etc.

So everyone after him got a feel of “brains” and real dead bird, without even knowing it.

8. She emptied herself out

I’ve worked at Scream World in Houston for 2 years in a row and while working in the slaughterhouse, playing the victim, I scared a lady so bad she started throwing up everywhere. It was awesome.

9. This guy ended up with a concussion

I work as a zombie for a zombie survival experience in an abandoned mall. The experience is in 2 halves; the first half being the scripted ‘movie’ experience and the second half being the skirmish where the survivors are let out into the mall to find supplies and ‘cure’ components.

One of the areas in the basement of the mall is a large open space save for support pillars and an escalator going to the upper floor. It is completely pitch black in there. The survivors all have tac-torches but still don’t provide too much light.

For the ‘skirmish’ part of the experience, one of the zombies gets to be the ‘boss’ zombie and dress up as the clown. Whilst the normal zombies are slow shamblers, the clown howls with evil laughter and is allowed to sprint at the survivors. This particular day I was the clown.

I followed a group of 5 or so survivors into the pitch black basement without them knowing I was there. (We know the place pretty well so can vaguely work our way around the place even in the dark.) The large basement room only has one exit, so as soon as they’d ventured in there, I followed, essentially trapping them in. They were your typical middle aged male bravado kinda guys so I decided they were the perfect targets to fuck with.

As soon as I’d gotten them into the basement room, from behind a pillar I squeezed my clown nose which squeaks quite loudly and quite hilariously (to me at least). All the torches are pointed on this pillar so I figure I might as well reveal myself. I slowly lurch round the pillar into their firing line (they’re armed with airsoft guns). I do my disgusting zombie clown laugh and break into a sprint towards them.

They don’t stick around to shoot me, they turn and run as fast as they can. Unfortunately for one of them, 10 feet behind him was one of the large support pillars which he greets full speed with his face and gets knocked clean out for 10 or so seconds. I saw him hit the pillar but didn’t realise he’d knocked himself out until my co workers later told me about a guy with a bleeding nose and concussion stumbling out of the basement asking to be taken back to the safe room.

I don’t even feel bad, if anything it means I’m doing my job properly.

10. Don’t go to haunted houses when you have to poo

Girl in a minidress straight shat herself. Goddamn.

11. Terror makes you do weird things

When I was a little kid I was walking through a haunted house that was set up in a couple rooms in a school or something, and I turned a corner and saw some middle aged woman screaming and violently stomping out some guy who was dressed up as a scarecrow. I think his job was to lay on the ground, and just kind of lurch forward at people as they walked by, and he scared the lady so badly that she just started curb stomping the shit out of him. She eventually stopped after he started screaming, and he just kind of got up and limped out of the room.

12. Drunk assholes

One time 2 really drunk guys went in and started harassing one of our actresses who was in a cage. One if them kicked the cage several times. The owner, a cop and a 6’5″ guy with a spiked club went in to get them out.

13. Don’t get drunk before going to a haunted house

I worked at a theme park haunt as security last year and moved around the park a lot. I saw some really funny/infuriating things.

One: While working in our Carnival area, where we had what were called “Sliders” (they wore pads on the hands, elbows and knees so that they could slide around on the ground and scare people). One of them slide up to a couple and the girl legitimately shrieked, jumped three feet in the air, and fell on her ass while her boyfriend laughed. Unfortunately, she’d bruised her tailbone and we had to call EMS because she couldn’t walk. The slider felt awful and her boyfriend even worse. (But everyone was actually laughing, including the girl. They came back the next night apparently – bonus of season passes)

Two: While working on our Alien maze, I had a monster come running out of the maze looking for me or anyone wearing a security vest because someone had clotheslined another monster across the throat and was now refusing the leave the maze. We had to remove him. And the girl he clotheslined had to go the hospital because he bruised her throat. (She was fine by the next day).

Three: Possibly the worst and most infuriating. There was a Doll House Maze. This was were most of the underaged girls worked, because it was easier to make them look like China Dolls. I’m watching the line and a large rowdy group comes through – shouting and banging on trash cans. They were obviously drunk and I had to ask them repeatedly to calm down. When they got to the front, I called for someone to watch the line so I could follow them through the maze. They continued their assholeish behavior all the way through, until one of the rooms. This room was lined with mannequins and a few actors, who were very good at staying still. One of the men in the group decides to start grabbing the mannequins, and then he figured out that not all of the “dolls” are mannequins. He goes after one of the obviously living monsters. And flat out grabs her chest, full on honk-a honk-a action. This girl was 16. She flipped a shit and kicked him the nuts. We had to shut down the maze to flush everyone except her assailant out and then get the actual police involved.

I was shocked that someone thought this was actual acceptable behavior. The man was arrested. His group was thrown out without refunds (obviously), and the girls mother apparently pursued legal action against him (not the park, because she herself worked there as well in our Hillbilly Maze).

Cute story: I had a little kid (about six or seven) ask me in the nicest way possible if I was one of the monsters because I have severe eczema. When I told him no, I just have bad skin, he told me that he hoped I got better because he thought I was pretty.

14. A Saint

I’ll share the best thing I ever saw at a haunted house.

It’s 2009, in New Orleans. The setting: House of Shock. House of Shock starts with a stage show, which is followed by a zombie graveyard tour and haunted house while chased by men with chainsaws.

So, the stage show. Before the assembled mass, a Demon and an Angel are fighting over the souls of the audience. The Demon is winning.

The Angel cries in fury as the Demon kills him, and with his final breath screams a question to those watching- “Who is your champion? WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?!?”

With triumph in his voice, a true New Orleanian replies with the only possible answer.

“Drew Brees!”

15. Stay hydrated

Former Universal Halloween Horror nights lead here. People get fucked up. I saw someone OD right in front of me. I’ve had others just freak out and fight the Scareactors, some drop into a corner sobbing and have to be carried out.

Depressants, Hallucinogens, etc. cocktails for these dehydrated people and introduce them into environments meant to disorient and frighten you. It’s like the fourth of July for users.

16. If you’re not scared, give the scareactors a heads up when there’s kids behind you

Story #1: I went to a haunted house with my husband. Some guy jumped out at us waving a chainsaw. He was really sad when we laughed, but then we told him that there was a group of middle school boys right behind us. He thanked us for the tip, and went to lay in wait for them. About 60 seconds later, they ran past us at full speed with him chasing them as fast as he good. It was hilarious. It wasn’t as hilarious when we go to the next room and the kids decided that we were close enough to grown ups to count. They (all 4 of them) grabbed us by the arms and would NOT let go until we had safely escorted them out of the haunted house.

Story #2: I was at a haunted house with my husband and the room we were in was a very, very dark maze. Someone dressed in black reached out and touched me. I screamed and punched him as hard as I could in the torso, just below the point where the ribs come together. Then I apologized about 100 times. Poor guy.

Story #3: I went to a local haunted house with my cousins and uncle when I was about 12. Another cousin was working, and told the guy in the chainsaw room to give her “little cousins” a special show. He came after us with the chainsaw and backed us into a corner. I collapsed on the ground in a fetal position and put my arms over my head and refused to move. If he’d been a real slasher, I would have been dead in 30 seconds.

17. Made the most out of the dark

My friend last year made at least two people shit themselves. This year, while I was with him, we made a blonde woman start sobbing (we are in the “hillbilly room”).

There’s a claustrophobic hallway which has like these walls that are like two bouncy castle walls REALLY close to each other…two guests pissed their pants in those.

Lots of guests punching actors. Some apologize and give hugs afterwards (it depends on the actor, but you usually won’t get reported for doing that).

If you just punch because FUCK IT, IMMA PUNCH YOU, then all bets are off and we will kick you the fuck out. This has happened A LOT over the past two weeks (we’re only open on Friday and Saturday so this past weekend was our second week open for this season). Also attacking the actors for shits and gigs. There is one girl who hides in a refrigerator and scares people by opening it. She opened it and some dude shoves her back in and then starts shaking and banging on the fridge. Fuck that.

Also, dudebros getting up in the actors’ faces because they started yelling at their girl. This seems to only happen with the male actors because I started telling this one girl we would string her up blahblahblah hillbilly spiel and her boyfriend just smirked and laughed…but my friend started up, dudebro got up in my friend’s face and was like DON’T DO THAT.

Kids. Fucking kids. Now, some kids are cool. There was one boy who came in and he was scared and I did my zombie growl roar at him and his parents were just like “It’s okay. It’s not real.” and then he looked at me, waved, and said, “Hello.” and I smiled and waved back. The smile I got in return was worth breaking character. But when the kid DOESN’T want to be there and the mom is bringing her/him through…Jesus…WE DON’T HOLD BACK FOR CHILDREN. One of my friends started telling the kid that his mommy couldn’t protect him here. Started crying. Next room, the kid starts bawling again. Etc. The mom starts yelling at the actors being all WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?!? BITCH, WHY WOULD YOU BRING YOUR KID IN HERE!?!

And on that note, guests telling us to stop yelling (like getting in our faces) and telling us to calm down. WAT. YOU PAID FOR THIS. WHY ARE YOU HERE!?!

And then there’s just in-house drama. Like one bitch who fucking COMPLAINS the entire time. She was given a REALLY expensive mask and costume to wear. She ripped that mask to shreds and then had the audacity to say “Oh. It was like it when I got it.” NO IT WASN’T, BITCH. I WAS THERE THE FIRST DAY WE OPENED. THAT MASK LOOKED BRAND NEW. This is also the same bitch who decided to give her boyfriend a blow-job in the parking lot during work hours. WE ARE SHORT STAFFED AS IS, DAMMIT.

It’s fun, though. You make friends with your fellow (non-bitchy) actors. 2 a.m. fast food runs are the best since most of us are still in make-up and we live in a college town so EVERYONE is out at 2 a.m. getting fast food.

18. PSYCH

A few years ago I ran a haunted house at our local rec center. The gym was sort of the grand finale and it was set up like a giant, indoor cemetery. A lot of families went through the haunt and the kids were horrified by the zombies. A lot of kids would just be losing their minds when they got to the exit.

But because I’m a jerk, the “exit” was fake. It was one of those heavy metal doors with the push bar on it. It led to another part of the building but it looked like an exit. So I put a sign on it that said “Thanks for coming! Please exit quietly!”

So the kids would be freaking out and the same thing would happen over and over. The parents would say “It’s ok! It’s over, look see….it’s the end!” And the kids would be relieved and they would run for the door.

They’d push it open and Leartherface would blast his chainsaw right in their face.

25 Haunted House Workers Reveal Their “Worst-Of” Stories | Thought Catalog

I LOVE haunted houses. They’re so fun. Being freaked out and getting tormented? What else do you want from a haunted house?! What’s your worst haunted house story? Found on r/AskReddit.

Shutterstock
1. The screams were terrible

I was dressed as a vampire and standing in a coffin. When people would come around the corner, I would jump out and scare them.

A woman came through and I jumped out. The woman lets out this piercing scream and jumps backwards. She hit the wall so hard she dented it pretty badly.

She kept screaming and wouldn’t stop. She was hyperventilating, crying, on and on. I was afraid to approach her and make it worse. I had to completely drop character and tell one of the guests to go get an uncostumed worker to assist her.

Someone comes, gets her calmed down. She even talks to me and finally laughs about it. She leaves and I’m so relieved she was okay, but it really shook me up.

Thirty minutes later: SHE COMES BACK. I don’t jump out of the coffin, I just walk out and say ‘What are you doing here??’ She gets this embarrassed look on her face and says, “I had fun.”

Looking back on it, the funniest part were the looks on the faces of the people behind her in the line the second time. To them, this vampire just walks out of a coffin and gets all bossy with some random woman.

2. The shock on his face made a lasting…impression

When one particular big, burly dude figured out I was not, in fact, a mannequin and I could, in fact, get out of my “cage” and come for him, he ran so fast he went through one of our temporary walls like something out of a cartoon. Worst for him, funniest for his friends and me!

3. The terror was real

I’ve never worked at a haunted house, but when I was in high school, I saw a guy throw up in one of those “Room O’ Mirrors,” the ones that make it hard to find the door and leave.

I saw it from every angle. Finding the exit was never so important.

4. Bodies, bodies everywhere

Not personally witnessed, but here’s my story. About six years ago I worked at a haunt in North Carolina. In one part of the trail, there were body bags that contained mannequins, except one that had a coworker inside. He freaked out a lot of people, but one group came through, drunk and high, got really freaked out and beat him pretty badly. He got sent to the hospital, they got sent to jail.

5. An employee almost died

I didn’t work at the haunted house but I went to it around the same time this happened. Some girl working there was supposed to be on a bathtub with a rope around her neck loosely. But she slipped and ended up hanging herself. Luckily, another one of the employees noticed while walking through and got her down before she died.

It was at Creepyworld in Saint Louis for those that want to look it up

6. There was no sex that night

I volunteered for a local Haunted House one year and made a girl pee herself. Literally all I did was stand right on the other side of the door and put on the evilest grin I could conjure up. I was dressed as some kind of crazy blood soaked mail man or something. They didn’t give me any lines or directions, they basically just told me to be scary. So, some poor girl walked in, held in the arms of her boyfriend and upon seeing me she screamed so fucking loudly and just wet her pants right there. Her boyfriend just kept pushing her through my room and into the next. It was an interesting experience.

7. They touched a real, dead thing

Kid found a dead bird on the ground while waiting outside.

As a prank, he went inside and inserted into a sensory box, which is a black box where people put their hands in, and feel “brains” or something, even though it’s actually spaghetti, etc.

So everyone after him got a feel of “brains” and real dead bird, without even knowing it.

8. She emptied herself out

I’ve worked at Scream World in Houston for 2 years in a row and while working in the slaughterhouse, playing the victim, I scared a lady so bad she started throwing up everywhere. It was awesome.

9. This guy ended up with a concussion

I work as a zombie for a zombie survival experience in an abandoned mall. The experience is in 2 halves; the first half being the scripted ‘movie’ experience and the second half being the skirmish where the survivors are let out into the mall to find supplies and ‘cure’ components.

One of the areas in the basement of the mall is a large open space save for support pillars and an escalator going to the upper floor. It is completely pitch black in there. The survivors all have tac-torches but still don’t provide too much light.

For the ‘skirmish’ part of the experience, one of the zombies gets to be the ‘boss’ zombie and dress up as the clown. Whilst the normal zombies are slow shamblers, the clown howls with evil laughter and is allowed to sprint at the survivors. This particular day I was the clown.

I followed a group of 5 or so survivors into the pitch black basement without them knowing I was there. (We know the place pretty well so can vaguely work our way around the place even in the dark.) The large basement room only has one exit, so as soon as they’d ventured in there, I followed, essentially trapping them in. They were your typical middle aged male bravado kinda guys so I decided they were the perfect targets to fuck with.

As soon as I’d gotten them into the basement room, from behind a pillar I squeezed my clown nose which squeaks quite loudly and quite hilariously (to me at least). All the torches are pointed on this pillar so I figure I might as well reveal myself. I slowly lurch round the pillar into their firing line (they’re armed with airsoft guns). I do my disgusting zombie clown laugh and break into a sprint towards them.

They don’t stick around to shoot me, they turn and run as fast as they can. Unfortunately for one of them, 10 feet behind him was one of the large support pillars which he greets full speed with his face and gets knocked clean out for 10 or so seconds. I saw him hit the pillar but didn’t realise he’d knocked himself out until my co workers later told me about a guy with a bleeding nose and concussion stumbling out of the basement asking to be taken back to the safe room.

I don’t even feel bad, if anything it means I’m doing my job properly.

10. Don’t go to haunted houses when you have to poo

Girl in a minidress straight shat herself. Goddamn.

11. Terror makes you do weird things

When I was a little kid I was walking through a haunted house that was set up in a couple rooms in a school or something, and I turned a corner and saw some middle aged woman screaming and violently stomping out some guy who was dressed up as a scarecrow. I think his job was to lay on the ground, and just kind of lurch forward at people as they walked by, and he scared the lady so badly that she just started curb stomping the shit out of him. She eventually stopped after he started screaming, and he just kind of got up and limped out of the room.

12. Drunk assholes

One time 2 really drunk guys went in and started harassing one of our actresses who was in a cage. One if them kicked the cage several times. The owner, a cop and a 6’5″ guy with a spiked club went in to get them out.

13. Don’t get drunk before going to a haunted house

I worked at a theme park haunt as security last year and moved around the park a lot. I saw some really funny/infuriating things.

One: While working in our Carnival area, where we had what were called “Sliders” (they wore pads on the hands, elbows and knees so that they could slide around on the ground and scare people). One of them slide up to a couple and the girl legitimately shrieked, jumped three feet in the air, and fell on her ass while her boyfriend laughed. Unfortunately, she’d bruised her tailbone and we had to call EMS because she couldn’t walk. The slider felt awful and her boyfriend even worse. (But everyone was actually laughing, including the girl. They came back the next night apparently – bonus of season passes)

Two: While working on our Alien maze, I had a monster come running out of the maze looking for me or anyone wearing a security vest because someone had clotheslined another monster across the throat and was now refusing the leave the maze. We had to remove him. And the girl he clotheslined had to go the hospital because he bruised her throat. (She was fine by the next day).

Three: Possibly the worst and most infuriating. There was a Doll House Maze. This was were most of the underaged girls worked, because it was easier to make them look like China Dolls. I’m watching the line and a large rowdy group comes through – shouting and banging on trash cans. They were obviously drunk and I had to ask them repeatedly to calm down. When they got to the front, I called for someone to watch the line so I could follow them through the maze. They continued their assholeish behavior all the way through, until one of the rooms. This room was lined with mannequins and a few actors, who were very good at staying still. One of the men in the group decides to start grabbing the mannequins, and then he figured out that not all of the “dolls” are mannequins. He goes after one of the obviously living monsters. And flat out grabs her chest, full on honk-a honk-a action. This girl was 16. She flipped a shit and kicked him the nuts. We had to shut down the maze to flush everyone except her assailant out and then get the actual police involved.

I was shocked that someone thought this was actual acceptable behavior. The man was arrested. His group was thrown out without refunds (obviously), and the girls mother apparently pursued legal action against him (not the park, because she herself worked there as well in our Hillbilly Maze).

Cute story: I had a little kid (about six or seven) ask me in the nicest way possible if I was one of the monsters because I have severe eczema. When I told him no, I just have bad skin, he told me that he hoped I got better because he thought I was pretty.

14. A Saint

I’ll share the best thing I ever saw at a haunted house.

It’s 2009, in New Orleans. The setting: House of Shock. House of Shock starts with a stage show, which is followed by a zombie graveyard tour and haunted house while chased by men with chainsaws.

So, the stage show. Before the assembled mass, a Demon and an Angel are fighting over the souls of the audience. The Demon is winning.

The Angel cries in fury as the Demon kills him, and with his final breath screams a question to those watching- “Who is your champion? WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?!?”

With triumph in his voice, a true New Orleanian replies with the only possible answer.

“Drew Brees!”

15. Stay hydrated

Former Universal Halloween Horror nights lead here. People get fucked up. I saw someone OD right in front of me. I’ve had others just freak out and fight the Scareactors, some drop into a corner sobbing and have to be carried out.

Depressants, Hallucinogens, etc. cocktails for these dehydrated people and introduce them into environments meant to disorient and frighten you. It’s like the fourth of July for users.

16. If you’re not scared, give the scareactors a heads up when there’s kids behind you

Story #1: I went to a haunted house with my husband. Some guy jumped out at us waving a chainsaw. He was really sad when we laughed, but then we told him that there was a group of middle school boys right behind us. He thanked us for the tip, and went to lay in wait for them. About 60 seconds later, they ran past us at full speed with him chasing them as fast as he good. It was hilarious. It wasn’t as hilarious when we go to the next room and the kids decided that we were close enough to grown ups to count. They (all 4 of them) grabbed us by the arms and would NOT let go until we had safely escorted them out of the haunted house.

Story #2: I was at a haunted house with my husband and the room we were in was a very, very dark maze. Someone dressed in black reached out and touched me. I screamed and punched him as hard as I could in the torso, just below the point where the ribs come together. Then I apologized about 100 times. Poor guy.

Story #3: I went to a local haunted house with my cousins and uncle when I was about 12. Another cousin was working, and told the guy in the chainsaw room to give her “little cousins” a special show. He came after us with the chainsaw and backed us into a corner. I collapsed on the ground in a fetal position and put my arms over my head and refused to move. If he’d been a real slasher, I would have been dead in 30 seconds.

17. Made the most out of the dark

My friend last year made at least two people shit themselves. This year, while I was with him, we made a blonde woman start sobbing (we are in the “hillbilly room”).

There’s a claustrophobic hallway which has like these walls that are like two bouncy castle walls REALLY close to each other…two guests pissed their pants in those.

Lots of guests punching actors. Some apologize and give hugs afterwards (it depends on the actor, but you usually won’t get reported for doing that).

If you just punch because FUCK IT, IMMA PUNCH YOU, then all bets are off and we will kick you the fuck out. This has happened A LOT over the past two weeks (we’re only open on Friday and Saturday so this past weekend was our second week open for this season). Also attacking the actors for shits and gigs. There is one girl who hides in a refrigerator and scares people by opening it. She opened it and some dude shoves her back in and then starts shaking and banging on the fridge. Fuck that.

Also, dudebros getting up in the actors’ faces because they started yelling at their girl. This seems to only happen with the male actors because I started telling this one girl we would string her up blahblahblah hillbilly spiel and her boyfriend just smirked and laughed…but my friend started up, dudebro got up in my friend’s face and was like DON’T DO THAT.

Kids. Fucking kids. Now, some kids are cool. There was one boy who came in and he was scared and I did my zombie growl roar at him and his parents were just like “It’s okay. It’s not real.” and then he looked at me, waved, and said, “Hello.” and I smiled and waved back. The smile I got in return was worth breaking character. But when the kid DOESN’T want to be there and the mom is bringing her/him through…Jesus…WE DON’T HOLD BACK FOR CHILDREN. One of my friends started telling the kid that his mommy couldn’t protect him here. Started crying. Next room, the kid starts bawling again. Etc. The mom starts yelling at the actors being all WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?!? BITCH, WHY WOULD YOU BRING YOUR KID IN HERE!?!

And on that note, guests telling us to stop yelling (like getting in our faces) and telling us to calm down. WAT. YOU PAID FOR THIS. WHY ARE YOU HERE!?!

And then there’s just in-house drama. Like one bitch who fucking COMPLAINS the entire time. She was given a REALLY expensive mask and costume to wear. She ripped that mask to shreds and then had the audacity to say “Oh. It was like it when I got it.” NO IT WASN’T, BITCH. I WAS THERE THE FIRST DAY WE OPENED. THAT MASK LOOKED BRAND NEW. This is also the same bitch who decided to give her boyfriend a blow-job in the parking lot during work hours. WE ARE SHORT STAFFED AS IS, DAMMIT.

It’s fun, though. You make friends with your fellow (non-bitchy) actors. 2 a.m. fast food runs are the best since most of us are still in make-up and we live in a college town so EVERYONE is out at 2 a.m. getting fast food.

18. PSYCH

A few years ago I ran a haunted house at our local rec center. The gym was sort of the grand finale and it was set up like a giant, indoor cemetery. A lot of families went through the haunt and the kids were horrified by the zombies. A lot of kids would just be losing their minds when they got to the exit.

But because I’m a jerk, the “exit” was fake. It was one of those heavy metal doors with the push bar on it. It led to another part of the building but it looked like an exit. So I put a sign on it that said “Thanks for coming! Please exit quietly!”

So the kids would be freaking out and the same thing would happen over and over. The parents would say “It’s ok! It’s over, look see….it’s the end!” And the kids would be relieved and they would run for the door.

They’d push it open and Leartherface would blast his chainsaw right in their face.

19. She never disobeyed her parents again

I went to a haunted house with my family when I was about ten. My little sister (8 at the time) kept insisting that she wanted to go off alone. She wasn’t allowed to but at some point she snuck off. Well the haunted house closed, and my family are all sitting outside of the entrance waiting for her to come out.

The majority of it is a maze, with a guy with a chainsaw chasing you around. That actor came out and talked to us, and we told him my little sisters name. So he goes around the maze screaming “BRITTANYYYY I’m going to find you… You better get out of this maze!” for like ten minutes and then she finally comes running out, sobbing with a bright red face, and she had peed her pants.

That was so fucked up to do to an eight year old.

20. I was hoping he got her number

I once volunteered at a haunted house when I was 16. I was the introduction sorta. I had a mad scientist costume on and I was sitting at a desk petting a rat. When people open the door I was supposed to look up and say “welcome” as creepily as possible. Well a group of teenage girls walk in and Im like this is gonna be a good scare! So I say my line and all of them get scared except one. She just kinda looks at me, then looks to her friends and say: “He’s kinda cute”. The rest of them were just like OH MY GOD YOU CAN’T SAY THAT HERE and I just facepalmed as they left into the next room.

21. Whoops

When I was 17, I was working in one as a scarecrow. Many people didn’t know I was real because I only scared one out of every 10 people or so. I saw a bachelorette party come in. They all had matching green tube tops. I jumped out and screamed at the 3rd woman in line (out of 8 or so). She jumped and screamed so bad that her breasts popped out of her shirt. She fell down against a wall and sat there for a moment, not realizing her breasts were out. One of them said “umm… Sarah? Look down…” She quickly looked down, blushed, and fixed her shirt.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the first pair of tits I’d seen in my life.

22. This super tough guy

Having worked in a local house for a few years, I’ve seen some hilarious things. Among them, a super tough guy who’s giving his girlfriend shit for being creeped out. I pop out behind him in full costume as Jason, which elicits a high pitched shriek from him. He’s backing up further until my buddy, in full Freddy regalia sneaks into his blind spot. Dude runs, slams into a wall and knocks himself stupid. Girl laughed. Was hard not to hide our shoulders from bouncing up and down from laughter.

23. Dumb people

I have two stories:

Context: I’m a small girl pretending to be a dead little girl in a little girl’s bedroom and there is a bed smack in the middle of the room the people have to walk around in a U fashion. In training they said “don’t get raped.”

1) I’m alone in my room frozen in the corner when some big gangster looking 6 foot guys come into the room. I remain frozen in the corner and this guy yells back to his friends “Yo there’s a M- F***in bed in the room” before I even move he has jumped as high as physically possible into the air to jump on this bed… The bed was a piece of wood with a sheet on it. He bounced off the wood right and his friends begin laughing hysterically and so do I. All I hear is “Man you’re so dumb- even the monster is laughing her ass off at you.”

2) I’m in the same corner of the room frozen when a person pushing another person in a wheelchair walks in. I stay frozen and assess the situation. The person in the wheelchair looks mentally able and I start to think- man it would suck if I came to a haunted house and nobody scared me because I was in a wheelchair, so I waited for them to pass me and slowly crawled across the floor towards the person in the wheelchair, jump up and yell. The person in the wheelchair looks at me sarcastically like really? BUT the person pushing the person in the wheelchair took off at top speed and before I could yell out- they ran through the curtain at the end of the hall- well past that curtain the hall changed directions, but that person obviously had no way of knowing that so they slammed the person in the wheelchair into the wall. I ran to go help, but before I could get there they were gone.

During my record weekend I made 13 women cry. The best is when you know the women could take you in a fight any day, but for some reason they are cowering in the corner. Yay haunted houses!

24. Boyfriend ditches girlfriend

My friend’s job was to be “live bait.” That was the term the organizer for the Boy Scouts in my area had.

I was the chainsaw murderer to “take the bait.”

Basically, what my friend did was join people’s groups at the door and act really scared. Introducing himself as Brian, he would do things like ask peoples names, about their kids, and say how creeped out he was. Brian would say that this place wasn’t like other haunted house setups he’d been to. That it gave him a weird feeling.

He’d gain their trust and act like a normal human being.

Walking into the room, he’d signal me, spin around and day that he wasn’t feeling scared at all anymore. He’d act perfectly fine. Still walking backwards, he’d stop right in front of my closet, where I’d rev the chainsaw, and stick it under his left arm.

It’d look like I had just impaled him on my chainsaw. He’d scream and yell, “Run!” and just scream. Normally, people would be scared absolutely shitless, and run out of the room.

Once there was a group with just a girl and a boy walking with Brian. This one girl was not simply scared by this, she was mortified. She faints, and drops straight on the floor. The boyfriend freaks out and ditches her. He drops the tough guy look, bolts, and doesn’t look back.

So Brian and I are standing there, looking at the girl. I turn off my chainsaw, look him square in the face and say, “Well, shit.”

I end up carrying this ditzy glittered up girl all the way back to the very front of the house. I put her in a chair, and waiting for her to come around.

When she regains consciousness, she flips again, because I was “that bastards that killed Brian!” Naturally, I had Brian sitting next to her, and he reassured her that he was ok, and not in fact, dead. Then we explained to her that her SO up and ditched her with a murderer in the room.

We waited for almost a half hour for her to get a hold of her boyfriend, and to chew him out over the phone for leaving her. She refused to have him pick her up, and she chose to wait for her parents by going through the haunted house with Brian.

25. All in a good day’s work

I worked at one when I was in high school.

Basically how the scene played out was there was an inbred hillbilly cannibal sitting in a lawn chair screaming at our guests. He would say a cue, then a zombie would pounce from behind the chair and eat him. While the guests were distracted with that, someone would pull a drop window and further terrify them.

I was the guy with the drop window. We got a call on the employee walkie talkie system that there was a kid who wasn’t taking the whole experience well and we should tone it down a little bit when he comes through. My adolescent brain registered this as fuck with the kid as much as possible. Kid comes through, visibly shaken with dried tears in his eyes. My colleagues do their zombie/cannibal thing and the kid starts flipping out. Now’s my chance! I drop the window, get right into his face and scream “I’M GOING TO KILL YOUR PARENTS.”

Kid shits his pants while letting out the most horrifying scream I’ve ever heard in my life. Think Emily Rose having a really bad trip. Even worse, I was in charge of the air cannon so when his friends pulled him out into the nearby hallway I gave him a few bursts of that. Apparently he collapsed in the next room and the higher ups had to carry his shit-stained body out of the house.

I had a nice chew out session with my boss after that one.


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