those who had no business being there except that they could be nowhere else

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

Ok, so something sad that happenes but it gets better.

Flug, while mixing chemicals together one day for an invisibility serum, manages to somehow grab the wrong chemical to mix with the one hes currently holding, because he was busy shouting at Demencia to “PUT THAT DOWN BEFORE IT SHATTERS!”, and the mixutre ends up exploding in his eyes. The rest of his face is fine, but his eyes become damaged. He becomes black and white colorblind. Hes only able to see in monochrome. His visions slightly blurry too, but aside from that and now being colorblind, he’s ok.

This wouldnt be such a problem, except that he needs to be able to see the colors of certain wires to make certain inventions work correctly, and he needs to be able to see the colors of different chemicals so that he doesnt cause a wider scale explosion in the lab.

For a while he makes things work. He has to work a bit slower on some inventions, and he often needs Demencia’s help in differentiating colors of liquids and machine parts and such, but other than the slower pace, which agravates Black Hat a good bit, all is the same as it was before the incident.

One day however, Flug comes into the lab to find a suprise on table: a pair of goggles that will fit over the bag he wears. (Prior to this he didnt wear goggles over the bag. He just had eyeholes cut out of it.)

He goes to put them on, and almost screams when he does because EVERYTHING IS BRIGHT AGAIN!!

The goggles turn out to have lenses in them that can correct colorblindness and “Holy shit I CAN SEE THE COLORS AGAIN!! THIS IS AMAZING!!”

Demencia walks in the lab with 5.0.5 in tow, and notices Flug walking around, looking at everything, clearly happy about something. And then she notices the goggles.

“Neat goggles you got there! Where’d they come from?”

“I don’t know but Demencia, they allow me to see colors again!!!!”

And shes kinda suprised because “Wait they make goggles like that?!”

And Flugs just so happy because he can finally do his work again without depending on someone else to help him, and this will speed up his work process againc and Black Hat won’t be so upset with his work time and -

“Wait, Demencia, you didn’t get these for me?”

“Nope, no idea where they came from.”

He’s a bit puzzeled, because these goggles obviously didnt just show up out of nowhere. Someone got them for him. Someone who knew he was colorblind.

Someone who wasn’t Demencia, and certainly not 5.0.5.

That left one person. Well, demon more like it.

Flug walks to Black Hats office, and opens the door just slightly to see that his boss is busy filling out that years tax forms, because “We may be a team of villains, but we still live in a house and own a business, and as such we owe taxes to the idiotic government that runs this country, and I will NOT have my company run to the ground because of tax evasion!!”
Flug waits until he finishes writing up the page he’s on, and then steps into the office the whole way.

“What is it that you require Dr. I’m very busy at the moment and you have orders to fill.”

“Well um, Sir I just..just wanted to let you know that those orders you gave me yesterday? They’ll uh..they’ll be done by tomorrow. Tomorrow morning actually.”

Black Hat looks up at that because “Flugs work has taken longer than two days since the incident that doesn’t add up” and then he notices the goggles.

“What’s with the new headwear Flug?”

“Oh the goggles? They appeared on my um. My desk this morning. They actually..they correct my vision?”

“…meaning?”

“I can..i can see colors again Sir.”

Black Hat sits back for a minute, taking in the information.

“Is that why you’ll have those orders done so quickly compared to your normal time?”

“Yes Sir.”

“…fair enough. Make sure they’re as good quality wise as the ones you’ve been producing. We don’t want to sell rushed work to our clients and ruin our reputation now do we?”

“No Sir, of course not. I’ll um..i’ll have them ready and done well by tomorrow morning for you.”

“Good. Now go back to working on them, I need to finish these forms, least my company go down the drain from failing to comply with thw government’s asinine rules.”

Flug turns to leave, and gets halfway out the door, before turning back to Black Hat.

“You wouldnt..you wouldn’t happen to have been the one who got the goggles for me, were you Sir?”

Black Hat looks up, small scowl on his face.

“Of course not Dr. Why would I ever do such a thing like that? I have no idea who gave them to you. Just be greatful that you have them now and get back to work.”

“Yes Sir, will do.”

And with that Flug leaves.

He doesn’t see the small smile on Black Hats face after he leavws because “he liked the goggles I got for him.”

anonymous asked:

Could you possibly do a mafia!daddy!phil × pastel!little!Dan ? ?? Cause that hc is freaking grEAT (possibly some smut?)

Prompt: dan wearing those cute velvet shorts you see on Instagram and phil can’t keep his hands off of him. (mafia!daddy!phil and whiny!little!dan?)

Oral fixation pastel Dan is all I beg you for

can i pleeease have some more little dan with oral fixation??? 

Here y’all go. Plus dirty talk, exhibitionism, and cockslut!dan. If you have trouble getting past the cut on mobile, open in your browser.

Being the son of the boss always has it perks, but when your father is the boss of the mafia, the fringe benefits are almost endless. It certainly isn’t the most relatable circumstance, but Phil Lester is acutely aware of the privilege his heritage brings. His family has never had any financial issues, and, although it may not be the most honest money, it made for a very comfortable childhood. Growing up, Phil never had to worry about being bullied in school – even though he was a fairly strange, quirky kid that would usually attract that kind of negative energy in the cesspool of teenage hormones that is high school, everyone was well aware of who his father was and what he could do, so he was left well alone. Now that he’s older, his blood keeps on giving in the form of a large house in London and connections with almost every business in a ten kilometre radius. That’s not to say Phil has had an easy life, but his problems are quite disparate from the average persons’. He may be rich with a notorious last name that opens back doors, but he does live with the constant knowledge that he may be shot dead at any moment, so he supposes it all evens out.

He works as part of the family, of course. That’s how the mob operates and, although he’s had his fair share of morality crises, he enjoys it. He’s not the eldest son, so, as long as nothing happens to Martyn, he isn’t expected to take over when his father – willingly, or otherwise – steps down, but he is still in control of some aspects of it. He supposes he’s a capo, in a way, being able to give orders to soldiers to do the bidding that’s sometimes his own, and sometimes passed down to him from his father. Most of the members he ranks above are considerably older than him, considering he’s only twenty-five, and he can tell from the hard look in their eyes when he gives orders that they’re not exactly thrilled about that. It doesn’t really matter, though, because to go against Phil is to go against the boss and, unless they’re actively looking to be killed, that’s not a very bright idea.

Phil’s seen a lot of shit since being inducted into the business at twenty. Before that, his father always kept things vague and the gory details hidden, probably more on Phil’s mothers’ wishes than his own, but the reality of what being in the mafia involves couldn’t be sugar-coated for him forever. He’s seen theft, assault, battery, and a fair share of murder. It’s not what Phil would call ideal, but it comes with the kill-or-be-killed lifestyle. He’s pretty much desensitised to the horror of it all by this point, but there is one incident that affected him above any other; it was also the chain of events that led to him meeting Dan.

Keep reading

First Impressions

AO3 

~2.5k

Castiel works as a teller at his local bank, and Dean is a new mystery customer that brings in a wad of cash and crumpled singles once a week to deposit into his account.

Working as a bank teller was definitely a unique and interesting experience - and one that Castiel generally enjoyed.

Of course, there were always the customers that raised hell when they walked through the door, complaining about incorrect overdraft fees or loan interests, but for the most part, the people were pleasant and Castiel didn’t mind plastering a smile onto his face for five or six hours at a time.

He and the other tellers had their favorite customers that they always talked about, whether for the entertainment factor, or because they genuinely liked them.

There was the nice old woman who always updated the teller on her grandson’s theater career; the middle aged man who generally arrived drunk and so sure that he was a millionaire even though he wasn’t; the college-aged girl who came in with a different hair color every time; and a younger man who kept trying to convince the teller that he was haunted.

Yes, Castiel was sure that he’d seen it all - and then one day, Dean Winchester came through his line.

The moment Castiel looked up as the new face approached the counter, he was thrown off. Sandy and deliberately coiffed hair framed a perfectly symmetrical face that he was sure he’d seen on a famous statue in some museum or another. Soft green eyes blinked at him with an even softer smile as he leaned forward against the counter and tilted his head.

“Hey,” the man said, his voice almost as smooth as the marble his arms were resting against.

“Hello.” Castiel cleared his throat and smiled, praying to God that it looked natural. “How can I help you today, sir?”

The man pulled out his ID and slid it across the counter.

Dean Winchester, it read.

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Professor Winchester (Dean Winchester x Reader AU) Chap. 1

Professor Winchester Masterlist

Word Count: 2,613

Professor!Dean Winchester x Reader AU

Summary: A few years after being accepted into your dream college, everything’s going well. Your grades are good, your social life is booming, all your assignments are easy…  Except for the damn essay that Professor Winchester assigned you. Based off this request.

Chapter Warnings : Language, alcohol usage, mentions of sex, mentions of student/teacher relationships

‘Similar to the effects of the mythical creature the basilisk, Medusa…”

You groan out as you sit at your kitchen table, your fingertips typing away at your laptop in an attempt to start the introduction paragraph of your research essay that’s due tonight. You tend to be a procrastinator, which never works well, and more often than not leaves you immensely stressed out.

You shake your head, deleting the first sentence all together before taking a long sip of coffee. Only three hours to get the essay done. Three hours until the deadline. Damn Professor Winchester for giving you such a challenging topic.

Normally, you love his class. He’s easily one of the most laid back, chilled out professors you’ve had throughout your three years at the University of Kansas. His love for Greek Mythology is unlike anything you’ve seen before. His lectures are nothing short of interesting, as he somehow manages to make even the most minuscule of things seem like the most amazing thing in the world. The tests are hard, but as long as you pay attention and take notes in class, you’ve always been fine.

Unfortunately for you, the subject of your essay that Professor Winchester had assigned you is something that you’ve yet to go over in the class, leaving you completely clueless.

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Before

Alright, so I’m been working on this little beauty for a while now. (I actually started it on Harry’s birthday and then lost track of it). It’s now turned into a two-parter that kind of stemmed from this prompt:

Whenever you get the chance, can you do a blurb where harry and her share a group of friends since elementary school and as they grow up they date and then they break up and its kind of awkward because they have to see each other all the time because of their friends? 

But I changed it a bit to fit the story. This is part 1. Part 2 will be called “After”, and will pick up directly where this one left off. I’m not sure how long it’ll take me to finish part 2, but I’m excited to work on it so I will start it as soon as I get a chance!

I hope you enjoy this. It’s the first long story I’ve written all month, other than my Valentine’s Day one, and it feels good to pound out 5000 words again. :)

Let me know what you think and if you’re excited for Part 2!!

———————————————————————————————

If one look was worth a thousand words, you and Harry always wrote a novel to each other.

You had spotted him across the patio, watching him surrounded by friends, laughing and having a fantastic time, drink in hand and smile on his face. Seeing him so happy, you couldn’t help but smile as well. His happiness was still important to you, even after all this time. You were clearly still important to him as well – he had invited you to his birthday party, after all – but there was a wall up between the two of you that had been there for a few years now, and neither of you seemed to be able to break it down again.

He had spotted you as well, watching him from across the room, and shot you a quick smile and nod to indicate that he had seen you and was seemingly happy to see you there. But he didn’t beckon you over and you made no move to get any closer. He was surrounded by a ton of people – some you knew and some you didn’t – and you didn’t feel right about intruding on that.

You didn’t want to say that Harry had invited you to his party out of obligation, but it was no secret that the two of you weren’t exactly bffs anymore. Ever since the breakup a few years back, things had been a bit tense and, as much as you had both attempted to keep things friendly, it was tough.

The break up hadn’t been easy. You had dated for about six months, gotten quite close, but then just gradually started to realize that your lives were going down two completely different paths and that it was probably best to put an end to things sooner, rather than later, so the transition would be a bit easier for both of you. But, although the sentiment was mutual, it wasn’t a welcome decision for either of you.

The biggest problem with having so many mutual friends was that meeting up with Harry again was inevitable. You could always both tell that the other was trying to be extra polite and extra accommodating and trying so, so hard not to make things awkward or uncomfortable, which usually just ended up making things even more awkward and uncomfortable.

When he had invited you to his party, you knew that he was just doing it to be polite because you had happened to walk in on a conversation between Harry and Jeff talking about the party, and Harry didn’t want to be rude. Somehow, you had all ended up at a Kings of Leon concert together with a large group of friends and you were walking to grab your coat when the party conversation had come up.

Harry had silently cursed Jeff for being so loud and obnoxious about the upcoming birthday party. It wasn’t that Harry didn’t want you there – the more the merrier; you were still his friend, after all – but it was awkward because he hadn’t invited you and now you were standing right there while Jeff was going on and on about how many people were coming and what music there would be and when the food was going to be ready, and Harry was looking as if he had purposely asked everyone else in his life other than you.

“You’re uh, welcome to come, of course,” Harry had said, trying to salvage the situation, “S’all really casual and everything.”

You, not wanting to be rude, had accepted the invite but spent the next few days with your stomach in knots over the party and what would happen while it was going on. It wasn’t as if it was an intimate gathering with just you and Harry, but you were still going to his birthday party as an ex-girlfriend.

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Glitch In The Matrix Stories #24

A Car Started To Pass Me And Disappeared 

Today I had my pickup truck bed loaded to the breaking point with things to take to the landfill (clearing out a hoard)- broken, moldy furniture, broken garage door, and other bulky odd-sized stuff.

I’d packed it well and strapped it all in but I was worried that to the casual drivers around me it’d look unstable as hell. The road I took starts off as a long busy two-lane highway and there’s never a chance to pass anyone until the road becomes 4 lanes with a drivable middle lane that eventually becomes a turning lane as you approach businesses.

As luck would have it, I ended up with a douche-bag in a new BMW trapped behind me on the long stretch. I was doing just above the speed limit and he was up my butt, despite my having broken furniture dangling like two feet from his grille. I couldn’t wait until the road would widen and he’d surely zoom past me and scowl for ‘holding him up’.

Sure enough, we reached the spot where the road widened and I saw him jerk into the left lane as soon as I yielded to the right slow lane. He started to pass me, entered my blind spot and then… I didn’t see him. I thought he was overtaking me slowly so he could see what I was hauling, or I was preparing to be flipped off as well.

The thing is, there was no nowhere to turn left yet, no roads or business at that point- and I watched my side mirror- if he’d turned somewhere (again, nowhere to turn yet) slowed down or even gone into the developing turning strip down the middle, I’d have seen his car fall behind me.

Credits to: Vault32

Remember Seeing A Movie Years Before It Was Released

Being born in the early nineties, I loved watching the ’Land Before Time’ movies. I remember being about 6 or 7, I was sick and in bed. My mom had a friend over and he brought me a movie to watch. It was a Land Before Time movie. So nothing weird about that. 

Well, fast forward about 4 years or so and I’m dropped off at the sitters and everyone is watching the new Land Before Time movie. Sweet! A new one, except this seems familiar. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this before. I know I’ve seen this before. There are always parts of movies you remember very well and for me this was when the long-neck elders fight the two T-Rex. So that part arrives and I start telling everyone what’s going to happen. 

The sitter or her daughter that helped out asked if I’ve watched this already. I said, “yeah a long time ago”. I get told that’s not possible, it just came out the week before or whatever. Yet I specifically remember watching it years earlier. Every now and then I think back on this and it still perplexes me. Maybe my mom’s friend was a time traveler that had a love for kids movies. Maybe it was a glitch- who knows.

Credits to: Chestigo

Seeing Old People Young

For as long as I can remember, I will walk into stores, buildings, parks, fields, and if there is a person there 30 or older I always see them younger.

It usually happens for a few moments, like flashes of young and then I really stare at them and shocked to see wrinkles and liver spots. Like, I was totally checking out that grandma when she looked 20 something and now she’s 80.

Not sure if this is a glitch in the matrix, and before anyone says bad eye sight, I do wear contacts but my prescription is always up to date. And I am always within good seeing distance of the person.

Like, I’m not sure how to properly describe it. I see them exactly how they were when they were younger. Doesn’t happen every single day but it happens enough that I’m used to it. Sometimes I see young people as old but it’s very rare.

Credits to: SpookyB0T

Starting To Question Whether Life Is A Simulation Or Not

I was living in Florida for a while (back in 2014 and 2015) due to work. While I was there, I had been engaging in my own personal philosophical thought process about the nature of our reality. For a couple of days I really was wrapped around this question and it was sort of consuming my thoughts over those days, particularly whether we were living in a simulation or some type of video game. Well nothing new there, right? Scientists and philosphers have been throwing that idea around for a while. 

Well, two experiences occurred that made and make me questions my current reality as it stands and happened in similar time frames. Each seemingly innocent, but when put together seem to connect. All of these events occurred after I started thinking intensely about the possibility of reality being a simulation. 

First: I was working out with a trainer and a group of coworkers when we started doing squats. I started doing squats and the trainer stops and sort of laughs. Then he makes a joke about how I look like a Sims character. That’s innocent enough, right? I’ve seen the game and I got what he was referring to. I laughed. 

But then he says it one more time, but this time he says it in a serious tone “Did you hear that, Tim (which is my name)? I said you look like a Sims character.” The inflections in his voice was odd, it was more like he was hinting at something rather than making a joke and waiting for my reaction. Perhaps it was nothing but it was odd, but everybody else around me didn’t react or even laugh at the reference. It was strange.

Second: So, I enjoy creepypastas and I like listening to them. So, I started listening to this creepypasta and found it pretty good. Now the night before and that night, I had been thinking intensely about reality and all that.

Well, as I scrolled down the comment section I notice this guy’s comment (Pete Detrick) who says “Tim, you’re in a video game.” 

I’m blown away but I’m skeptical, thinking it’s just a coincidence and he was just replying to some other person’s comment. But as I’m scrolling up and down, I notice he isn’t replying to anyone on the comment section. His statement is just out of context and oddly out of nowhere. 

I could imagine the person was perhaps making a comment about the story itself but the main character in the story never mentions his name being Tim or even has a name. (Oddly enough the story is about a person who commits suicide and enters some alternate reality).

Credits to: FloatingTheVoid

Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner?

Spoiler Alert: It’s Barba. Barba’s coming to dinner.

This was from a request received a LONG time ago regarding: Barba dating someone with a conservative/racist family from the Midwest. I can’t find the exact request to link to, but I had this in my WIP drafts with the bolded line as the title so… here we go.

Originally posted by sherrykinss

Please note: I absolutely mean no offense on any side for this little story, and am definitely utilizing stereotypes in both regards: My father’s side of the family was very conservative and blissfully-ignorant… I am absolutely basing this on people in my own Midwest-World experience.


“What kind of name is Barba?”

Rafael winced at the announcement of his name. “Cuban,” he advised simply, before leaning across and smiling at your aunt. “The dinner is delicious by the way, Ma'am.”

Why were you here? 

How had he convinced you that this would be a good idea? You hadn’t wanted to subject him to this. No, not at all, you had actually not even told him the invitation had arrived- he had found it on your fridge one evening he was visiting you after work.

An invitation. Who sends invitations for dinner parties?
Your sweet Aunt, of course.

“Cuban, eh?” Naturally, your father regarded this as an interesting opportunity(excuse) to be as passive-aggressive as humanly possible. “Is it normal over there to date younger?”

Younger? You were barely four years younger than your date…

Oh God; you took up your wine glass and gulped, calm Rafael only smiled and lay a palm atop your thigh to try and convey just how ‘fine’ this all was. “No, I just happen to be lucky enough to have caught youthful (Your Name)’s eye.”

Fine. That was how he said this evening would go- just fine.
The only Fine thing about this were the China dishes your aunt had pulled out from hiding.

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We could make a religion out of this....

hi.

you’re on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it’s water.

fuck it, actually most of it’s water.

i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it’s sad.

i’m sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn’t happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that’s why it’s been everywhere.

it’s been so everywhere you don’t need a where.

you don’t even need a when.

that’s how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don’t know when to start.

and that’s exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there’s a universe now.

what’s it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that’s a thing.

in a place.

don’t like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it’s not empty yet.

it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer together.

and it’s getting closer toge-

it’s a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it’s raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there’s hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it’s raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that’s land!

there’slifeintheocean

what?

something’s alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it’s a sponge.

it’s a plant.

it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it’s the Cambrian explosion

“wow, that’s animals and stuff”

but we’re still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there’s a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let’s go on land!

nope, can’t walk yet.

and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything’s huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything’s dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it’s about to become the dinosaurs.

here’s another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it’s mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they’re gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

“ouch”

and set things on fire.

“yeouch”

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

“gneurshk”

which can mean different things.

that’s a human person

and now they’re everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review.

there’s people on the planet.

and they’re chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it’s underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we’re getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it’s the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they’re gone.

guess who’s not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there’s the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he’s got like a ten step program.

here’s some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it’s the babylonian- median-

it’s the Persian Empire

“wow, that’s big”

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who’s the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it’s a great idea.

he was great.

and now he’s dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they’ve got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything’s great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let’s do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can’t cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we’ve got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.

it’s the golden age of india

there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who’s in rome?

barbarians

what’s a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here’s a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how’s india?

broken.

how’s china?

back together

how’s those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there’s more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed’s ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there’s

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there’s room for moors.

here’s all the wisdom.

in a house.

it’s the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you’re the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there’s the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don’t think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the “roman empire”.

the holy roman empire.

it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

mine’s better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it’s a bird, it’s a plane

it’s the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let’s do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there’s the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who’s here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it’s tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means “lake”.

there’s an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy’s rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china’s back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it’s the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it’s kinda like a rebirth.

here’s a printer.

let’s make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that’s bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.

nah, don’t worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let’s make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that’s bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that’s a scam.

fuck the church.

here’s 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there’s beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar’s made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it’s so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss?

yes they did.

it’s britain.

guess who’s broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain’ll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don’t.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn’t we think of this before?

wait, who’s in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

“that’s just where he lives”

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it’s bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let’s rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

theynevergotethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

theynevergotthailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let’s blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we’re in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

itmakescarsgo

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn’t had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it’s gonna be a great war.

so great we won’t need a second one.

after it’s over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone’s paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire’s gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won’t mind.

let’s cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it’s the 1920’s calling.

let’s get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he’s mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler’s out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that’s world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let’s unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i’m gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there’s pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there’s a new china in china.

what’s on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there’s the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever.

let’s meet the sponsors.

oh, it’s the two global superpowers.

they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i’ll race you to space.

now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here’s a new map, with new countries.

now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let’s check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology’s better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don’t feel like it.

let’s check the mail.

surprise, it’s on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they’ll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it’s in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it’s on the computer.

now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail because they’re not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let’s save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let’s invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that’s pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuCn8ux2gbs&t=329s

Cursed For Life | 01

Draco x Reader

Word Count: 2085

Summary: Bully; Womanizer; Death Eater. Draco Malfoy is a name all students at Hogwarts fears; what they don’t know is that behind the hexes and that signature smirk of his, there’s pain, suffering, and regret. Draco Malfoy is more than a Hogwarts bully, more than Lord Voldemort’s puppet; he’s a tortured soul, misunderstood by all…

A/N: This is a fan fiction I started a few years ago, and never completed. I decided to dust it off and attempt to complete it. Hopefully it doesn’t suck too much, haha. (Also, the gif is not mine, so credit goes to the creator.)

PARTS 01


“Slytherin!” The Sorting Hat roared from atop your head. The Great Hall went from boisterous to deafeningly silent in a matter of seconds. All were shocked that the Muggle-born, Y/F/N Y/L/N, was placed into the house mostly made up of pure-bloods. But no one was more shocked than you. There you sat, dumbfounded and afraid to leave the seat you were in to approach your House table.

Being a new student, just transferring over from Beauxbatons, you were the only sixth year being sorted into a House. You looked anxiously over at Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, three new friends you had made on the train ride to Hogwarts, wishing that they would come to your rescue. But no, they did no such thing. How could they? The Sorting Hat had made its decision; there was no turning back now.

All three, though the same age as you, already belonged to the Gryffindor House, having been sorted there their first year at Hogwarts. The four of you had planned on the idea that you would also be sorted into Gryffindor; clearly fate had other plans in mind.

Keep reading

Undertale

- Sans, along with Alphys, became Gaster’s apprentices
- Sans was 16, Gaster was 25
- And Sans developed the biggest gayest crush
- Gast had been his idol for all five years that he’d been the Royal Scientist
- Sans’ admiration turned into attraction the very first time they met
- In his thesis papers, Gast had always sounded so formal and stuffy
- In person, Sans quickly learned that he’s an adorably anxious dork
- As well as tall and cute and god he has such pretty eyes
- Gast never noticed the crush because firstly, Sans was underage
- His feelings towards his apprentices were purely platonic, though he still loved them both very much
- But he was also too busy pining over Asgore
- Who turned Gaster down because he was still in love with Toriel
- Who wanted nothing to do with her ex-husband ever again
- So pretty much no one is happy
- Sans pushed his feelings down and pretended they didn’t exist
- And for a long time, he thought he’d gotten over it
- But when Gaster died, he realized he’d been terribly wrong
- No one remembered Gaster had ever existed
- Except for Sans
- Even he forgot sometimes
- This is why he hid that picture of him, Alphys, and Gaster posing together in front of one of their projects
- And wrote ‘DON’T FORGET’ across it
- It’s the only picture of Gaster left
- He’s disappeared from everything else, yet somehow this photo has remained untouched
- Sans worked tirelessly to bring his mentor back: Resets, Saves, time travel, opening the Void
- Nothing ever worked
- It was a huge slap in the face, albeit an enormous relief, when Gast suddenly popped back into existence as Frisk broke the barrier
- All those emotions Sans had been trying to repress return at full force
- But now is not a good time to act on them
- Gaster is severely traumatized, scared, and in great need of a friend
- And Sans is there
- It’s possible that something more could develop, they’re both adults now
- They’ve endured countless Resets, watching helplessly as their timeline was destroyed over and over again
- Gaster cried every time Sans was killed in the judgment room
- It’s not exactly something they can bond over, but they do help each other heal from their respective experiences and grow closer because of it

Underfell

- Sans thinks Gaster is the biggest asshole ever to exist
- And he’s not wrong! But he can’t bring himself to hate him
- They have a certain amount of respect for one another
- In this universe, Sans never took an interest in science
- He devoted all his time to protecting Papyrus
- But as they aged, it was easy to see that Papyrus didn’t need protecting anymore
- While still ridiculous and overdramatic, Paps is strong enough to defend himself
- Their roles switch, now Sans is the one who needs help
- His HP is pathetically low, his attacks barely do any damage, and he has no idea what self care is
- It’s a miracle he’s survived this long while also raising a child
- He and his brother get into an argument
- Sans is sick of being treated like he’s helpless
- Papyrus insists he’s only trying to do what’s best, but his rebuttals are a little…loud
- When he’s tired of getting screamed at, Sans storms out the door to take a walk and cool down
- It’s the first time he’s been out on his own in months
- Of course, he’s almost immediately attacked
- Things are looking grim when Gaster happens along and blasts the fuck out of Sans’ opponent
- He normally wouldn’t interfere, but Sans looks awfully young
- Gast will never admit that he hates to see children in pain
- Sans doesn’t even have time to say anything before his savior walks away
- Deciding not to push his luck, he returns home and soon forgets about the whole interaction
- They meet again a few years later, when Papyrus has made it into the Royal Guard
- Sans accompanies his brother to a sparring practice, and it just so happens that the king and his Royal Scientist are taking a walk through the courtyard
- It takes some time before Sans works up the courage to approach Gaster
- But once he does, they form an unsteady acquaintanceship
- Wouldn’t exactly call it a friendship, more like a ‘I have no urge to kill or maim you’ sort of thing
- Things don’t get real until they get drunk together
- Gaster would never stoop so low as to drink socially
- Except this time he went to visit Grillby and got roped into it
- It’s late, the bar is empty, and Sans starts to let some things slip
- They’re discussing Papyrus, and a very drunk Sans tells the whole story of their childhood
- Their parents had been neglectful, so Sans scooped up his baby brother and took off at the first opportunity
- They’d barely managed to survive on their own
- Gaster, being not so drunk, is stunned
- There are obvious parallels to his own past
- But he hadn’t been able to save his little brother before running away
- Sans ends up blacking out with no recollection of the night, while Gaster never forgets what he was told
- In some miraculous twist of fate, Gaster feels legitimate empathy for Sans and begins to care about him
- But outwardly, he’s still a jerk
- He just doesn’t know how to be nice lmao

Underswap

- Gaster sits on his boat, patiently waiting for a passenger
- And along comes this bright blue, 4 foot blur that appears out of nowhere and hops on board
- Gaster is briefly startled before realizing it’s just a smol, hyper skeleton
- He asks for a destination, but it turns out that Sans just wants to talk
- Nobody knows much about the Ferryman
- He’s mysterious, cryptic, and not all that social
- So naturally, Sans is determined to befriend him
- Gaster humors him
- He takes Sans on rides and endures the endless chatter
- They have some nice conversations, though it’s mostly Sans babbling about various things while Gaster replies with ‘hm’s and ‘interesting’s
- Sans asks all sorts of questions about Gaster’s life, his job, his favorite color, whether he prefers vanilla or chocolate nice cream- but he doesn’t get many answers
- It takes a while before Gaster starts using full sentences
- And soon, he’s asking questions in return
- He’s curious to know why Sans wants to be a guard so badly
- For the first time since they’ve met, Sans doesn’t have anything to say
- He goes quiet for a while
- Gaster, feeling guilty for bringing him down, hastily apologizes and offers to help him train
- Sans bounces right back to normal and tackle hugs him, immediately accepting
- Be careful, you’ll break the old man’s back
- The training turns out to be harder than Sans expected
- Rather than focusing on attacks, Gaster prioritizes defensive maneuvers
- Sans has trouble keeping up
- Dodging Gaster’s magic is like a hellish game of dodgeball where the other team has fifty people and you’re on your own
- And the dodgeballs are actually knives
- Sans gradually improves
- Very gradually
- Gaster’s not sure if Sans could ever make it as a guard, but supports him all the same

Outertale

- Sans is a servant at the palace
- He’d tried to land an internship at the laboratory, but his commoner status destroyed any chance of that happening
- Seeing as no one else has the patience for it, he’s been assigned as Gaster’s personal assistant
- It’s a very…demanding job
- He has to sacrifice countless hours catering to Gaster’s every whim
- This includes fetching his slippers, writing letters, bringing his tea, telling him if he looks good in the outfit he’s picked out (he always says yes, regardless of how tacky Gast’s entire wardrobe is)
- Sans never says much unless he’s asked to speak
- But Gast isn’t that shallow
- He pays him well for the overtime, gives him presents on holidays, asks about his personal life
- Gast loves hearing about Papyrus
- He’s actually a bit jealous
- Sure, he’s got money, but Gaster never knew his family
- He was taken in by Asgore as a baby, shortly after his parents died
- He wants what Sans has
- Over time, they begin to treat each other like brothers
- Gaster is older, yet Sans is the more mature one
- ‘you do not need another cape.’ ‘But I only have seven!’ ‘dings. no.’
- Gast eventually gets to meet Papyrus
- And is horrified by the conditions he and Sans are forced to live in
- He’s never been to the poorer part of the city before
- Though Sans strongly argues against it, Gast insists that they come live in the palace
- There are plenty of rooms to spare
- And after a brief conversation with the king, there are two new princes in the court
- Asgore loves adopting children okay

Mertale

- Gaster is a bit of a recluse, even among his own people
- He’s sort of like a hermit who’s harmless but rarely seen
- When he does mingle with the public, it’s usually because he’s bored
- His curiostiy often gets him into trouble
- While wandering around in search of something to do, he sees a skeletal mermonster nearby
- And so, naturally, he follows him
- Sans has the distinct feeling he’s being watched, but no one is in sight
- Gaster makes it into a game of sorts
- He sees how close he can get without being noticed, completely unaware that this it’s creepy
- He thinks it’s all good fun!
- Sans is starting to think he’s gone paranoid
- It becomes a daily activity
- Eventually, Gaster gets bored of just watching and finally reveals himself
- He walks right up to Sans and offers him a shiny rock
- Sans isn’t sure whether to smile or run for his life
- He tentatively accepts the gift and, with it, Gaster’s offer of friendship
- Instead of meeting with him like any normal person would do, Gaster likes to visit Sans’ home in the dead of night and poke him until he wakes up
- Or ‘borrow’ some of Sans’ belongings so he’ll come to Gaster to get them back
- It’s not long before the poor skel is exhausted
- Putting up with this takes a lot of energy
- But he knows Gast’s just…eccentric
- And he means well
- So Sans does his best to be a good friend, no matter how exasperating it is

Between the Pages - A Tree Bros WIP

Evan just needed a book to finish his essay. 

Hey, guys!! So I made a little post earlier about the fic I’m in the process of writing. I realize it’s going to be a bit longer before I’m ready to release it on AO3 so I decided to post the first little bit. I hope you guys enjoy, and I hope that I don’t leave you guys waiting too long after this!!

Keep reading

Robin’s Nest: Part 9

Prompt: Where the robin’s were Bruce’s and Batmom’s biological kids

Words: 1557

AN: This was edited by my wonderful team of beta’s who continue to plow through my stories.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8


You had planned the day perfectly. Bruce deserved it after all. He’d had a rough couple of weeks with the destruction of the watch tower, and the invasion; of the world and of your home. With the destruction of the Watchtower, those who had nowhere else to go had taken up residence in Wayne Manor. It was also being used as headquarters until the Watchtower could be rebuilt.

This meant that Bruce was a bit more on edge than normal. He wasn’t used to combining the two parts of his life. His home was supposed to be a sanctuary away from the horrors he faced as Batman, and now he was faced with it twenty-four seven. So, when father’s day had just suddenly popped up on the calendar, you had decided to make it special.

And it all started with you kissing him awake. You spread them across his body; one on his shoulder, another on his forehead, one to his bicep, and then one on his lips. He responds to that one, pulling you in close. His hands start to wander, and as much as you’d like this moment to progress, you know it can’t.

He stares at you in confusion, and you can almost hear him whimper as you get out of the bed and walk over to the door. You just smile as you open it, and your children stream in. The youngest ones rush forward, and Bruce smiles as he catches a flying Damian and Helena. You smile as he kisses each of them before they settle in his lap. Tim is next. He’s an easy going child as he simply climbs onto the bed and throws his arms around his father’s neck.

Cass comes next. She doesn’t climb onto the bed, instead she walks over to his side of the bed, goes on her tiptoes, and kisses his cheek, before handing him an origami bat. It’s folded from a pretty flower pattern, and has different words describing Bruce on it. The words are written in a pretty calligraphy, and you can’t help but wonder when she learned it. The two most prominent words are father, and love. Bruce just smiles before kissing her forehead, and pulling her up on to the bed so that she sits next to him.

Dick and Jason come in a bit quicker. Both of them are carrying trays of food, and you’re almost certain that the food is going to go all over the floor. Dick just smiles as he set his tray down and says: “Happy Father’s day, to the most kick ass dad in the world.”

“Language Dick.” You remind him.

He ducks his head in apology as Jason teases him “Yeah, Dick, watch your language DICK.”

Bruce beats you to it: “Jason,”

Your second son just smiles, “Sorry dad. Happy father’s day, old man. You look good for having six kids and having been married for thirteen years.”

“What about all the crime fighting?” You ask

Jason’s grin just grows, “That’s easy compared to handling us.”

You just smile as you take the tray from Jason and climb onto the bed next to Dick. You hand the tray to Bruce, before taking the other one off of the nightstand. The eight of you eat breakfast together, as the kids tell him what’s been going on at school. When you’re done eating the kids leave with the trays, and instructions to you to keep dad distracted. When the door has closed Bruce pulls you to him and just grins and asks: “And how exactly are you going to keep me distracted?”

You grin, as you begin pulling him to the shower, “I have a few ideas.”

Once he has been thoroughly distracted and you’re both dressed, the two of you go downstairs. You can hear the kids chattering in the ballroom and you can’t help but follow the sounds.

You smile at the sight. The kids have set up an assortment of board games, and the moment Bruce comes in the room they’re pulling him in about ten different directions. Dick catches your eye and he scratches his nose, code for: “You’re good to go set up the next stage.” Bruce’s laughter confirms this as Damian and Helena pull him down for a game of chutes and ladders.

You leave the room and make your way to the kitchen. You enter the kitchen to find several women from the league lounging around and talking. You haven’t spent much time with any of the league members. You’ve been too busy running the house and making sure the kids didn’t run wild. You listen in, as they talk about their latest romantic rendezvous. They giggle as you pack two picnic baskets with food. When everything goes silent you turn to face the room to find Diana standing right behind you.

“Yes?”

“How long have you known Bruce?”

The question startles you, you hadn’t expected it, “Since we were around ten.”

You move around her, as you move to another cabinet. You go up on your tiptoes in an attempt to reach the spicy mustard. Shayera comes up behind you and gets it down for you. Before you can say thank you she asks: “How long have you been together?”

“We dated from the time we were fourteen until we were nineteen.”

“What happened when you turned nineteen?”

You smile, “We got married.”

“And you were with him, while he trained?” That came from Dinah.

“Yeah, we both graduated when we were sixteen and we left. My parents had died in a car crash earlier that year. There was nothing holding us back.”

“What did your parents do?”

You don’t really know what’s going on, why they’re suddenly talking to you, but you decide that there’s no harm in answering their questions. “Mom was a concert pianist, and dad taught high school science.”

“Did you plan on having so many kids?” Mari asks.

You laugh at that, “I was twenty –one when I had Dick. I don’t think any of the kids were planned, with the exception of Tim. But all of them were wonderful surprises.”

Shayera just grins “Bad birth control?”

You laugh, “Most people think that, in reality it was usually long missions that did it.”

They all laugh at that, “Duly noted.” Mari says with a grin.

Everything goes quiet for a moment before Diana asks: “Do you ever feel as though you’ve lost yourself?”

That makes you pause, “What do you mean?”

Diana smiles at you, “I’ve watched you these past few days, you’re always doing something for someone else. The calls for mom seem to be constant, do you ever wish it was just you?”

You nod in understanding, “Everything you see has made me who I am. I love being a mom. I love being a wife. If I didn’t I would have divorced Bruce about ten years ago, or at least had him snipped. All you’ve seen is the mom, if you’ve ever seen me walk into a boardroom filled with men, and watch them immediately shut up, you’d know that I can do whatever I put my mind to. To be honest being a mom and a wife is a lot more difficult. I get very few sick days, and Bruce and I have a mandatory date night every week that he’s home. If he’s gone, I go out by myself. It’s all about balance, and work. I put a lot of work into my marriage, and into my kids. Anyways, I’m rambling. To answer your question; no, I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve found myself.”

Diana just smiles before saying, “I am honored to call you a sister.”

Lifting your two picnic baskets you just say, “Back at ya.” Before leaving the kitchen with a smile.

You go out and set up the picnic blankets, and minutes later your family makes their way out. Lunch is filled with homemade gifts from school, and coupon books. Then the kids are running, playing like the semi-normal children they are. Bruce just pulls you into his lap, and you snuggle into his embrace. “Did you have a good father’s day?” you ask.

He kisses you, “I had an amazing father’s day.”

You grin, “You know it isn’t over yet.”

He nibbles on your ear, “I know; I’m very much looking forward to my gift tonight.”

“Well, there is that, but there’s one other thing.”

“Oh really, and what’s that?”

You reach over and pull a small little box from the picnic basket, and hand it to him. You watch him unwrap it with a smile, and then watch his eyes go wide, “You’re kidding.”

You just laugh, “No. I had it confirmed with the doctor. That’s how I got the cute little picture.”

“You’re pregnant.”

You nod, “Yes, that’s why the little bean in the ultrasound picture is saying, ‘Hi daddy’.”

“When?”

“I’m guessing a few nights after we brought Cass home. I’m about three months along.”

He just pulls you in for a kiss before saying: “Seven kids.”

You just shrug, “At this point, what’s one more?”

The two of you kiss again before Bruce says: “The kids are going to flip.”

“I know.” And the two of you just laugh.

Prologue: See no evil

((It’s finally here. The prologue is finished. I’m glad that I had help with editing this. Otherwise it wouldn’t flow right. I hope you all enjoy. @alcordraws ))

Buttoning up the last button on his shirt he smoothed out any wrinkles in it. It had been a long time since he worn these clothes. The memories of those days when he was the Author, came flooding back

“Host.” A deep velvet yet dark voice spoke out to him, but he didn’t listened. He stepped in front of the mirror though he wasn’t sure if he was in front of it or not. “Host.” The voice called to him again, yet he stayed silent not answering the call.

Another male dressed in a black suit, and red tie came up behind him. Watching his movements his body language “What were you expecting to see?” The man asked. Host’s lip quivered he looked away from the mirror “I was…I was hoping to see myself.”

Dark took a small step towards Host, as if he cared for him “And did you?” he asked plainly. Host was silent for a few minutes taking a deep breath. He huffs and shook his head slightly “No.”

“I figured as much, now then. Host we have some business to attend to. I suggest you change out of those close and join me in the meeting room.” And with that Dark left the room.

After Dark left, Host turned back to the mirror. His days as the Author were done. The Author no longer existed. Yet the Host wanted to feel something. To see something.
——–
The room was dark except for a dim light, hanging above a young man sat at his desk. Quiet, whispered words were heard from him as he works on writing for his book. He’d been working rather hard on this one for sometime.

He didn’t stop writing, not until a cold icy breath run downs the back of his neck. It caused him to jolt up, dropping his pen. There could be no way that anyone could get into his office, the door was locked.

Moving away from his desk he grabbed his metal bat. He had to be careful. Whomever was in his office was about to get their heads bashed in.

In a slightly panicked fluster he looked around the office, What? No one else was in the room with him. Yet he was sure that he had felt that ice cold breath. someone had to be in the room.

He always knew everything. He knew how things would play out and go. Yet he feared for himself, for whatever possibilities were to come his way. He couldn’t see what was coming, which sent him spiraling.

A low yet piercing ringing sound was heard, followed by a venomous laugh. Startled by this, Author swung his bat in the he direction he had heard it coming from but made no connection. By mere surprise, Authors bat was pulled from his hands. He was defenseless.

Then everything went quiet again sending Author back into panic. Even though he now knew he wasn’t alone, he didn’t know where his intruder was, and that only seemed to make his skin crawl more than it had been.

A dark shadow enveloped him whispering quiet words in his ear. Author spun around to see a dark figure, wearing a black suit and red tie, standing before him. His eyes widen and he scrambles back, his back bumping up against a wall.

He had nowhere to go, nowhere to run. This was the end for him, and he was afraid. Afraid of what would come.

The figure stepped closer to Author, a small smirk on his face. The ringing sound started back up again sending Author spiraling once more.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Darkiplier. I want to ask something of you.”

“Something? What is it?”

“Will you be obedient? My right hand man, in away. This will only require your sense of sight. It will no longer be something you’ll have.”

“So, I’ll be second to you and blind? Doesn’t really sound like a fair trade now, does it? Why should I weaken myself for you?”

Author didn’t show it but he was scared, of the out come of him being this Dark’s right hand man. He tried looking for a way out. He wasn’t just going to out right accept such a bargain.

“Look at it this way. If you join me, and do as I say, I can give you more than you’ve ever wanted. More, than you have ever been able to do before. I will give you the power to see the future, even control it, at a mere utter of a word.”

Author stopped and looked at the man before him. Could this man really give him something like that? The power to see everything and control. This made him want to accept the bargain, to have such power in his hands. Yet could he be so sure to give up his sense of sight. To be obedient to this man.

“If I accept, you’ll actually give me such powers?”

“Yes, It’s more than you could ever dream of.”

“Then…I accept your bargain.”

As soon as Author said it, he regretted it deeply. Dark bends down in front of him, the light hanging above them flickering off.

Loud painful screams and cries of pain filled the office. As Dark took his sweet time taking Author’s eyes. Author struggled and kicked anything to stop Dark, his attempts were futile.

After Dark finished he stands up and backs away, holding his blood covered hand out for Author. It took some time before Author took hold of Dark’s hand. He felt weaker than before.

“You will no longer be known as the Author. From now on you shall be called the Host. Understood?”

“Understood.”

“Good. Come now Host, let’s get you cleaned up.”

((The editors for this are @ask-manipulativedark and @rouge-rebel-of-the-night they helped me edit this and fix things that need to be fixed to flow))

Good Girl Ch 28: Birthday Pt 3

I can’t help but laugh at the sight of my dear Sehun in a cute pink apron. He pouts cutely at me, “Baby, stop laughing and get over here so I can put yours on.” Doing my best not to laugh I join him on the other side of the counter of a beautiful bakery we took over. On our way in we passed all the delicious looking cakes and other desserts that Sehun scolded me for trying to eat.

Set out on the counter is a premade cake all ready for us to decorate, different colored frosting, candies that look like jewels and many other things. Sehun hands me a knife with a warning look, “Don’t get hurt and don’t tell Kyungsoo hyung that I let you use a knife or I’ll spank you.”

My response is out of nowhere and surprisingly automatic, “Is that a promise?”

“Watch that pretty mouth of yours,” He dips his finger in one of the bowls of frosting and pokes my nose.

“Daddy,” I whine.

He chuckles, leaning in close he licks it off with a satisfied smirk.

“So what have all of you guys been doing today?” I wonder as I try and smooth the frosting out.

“Business stuff.”

I nod, knowing that is the best I’m going to get, “Speaking of business stuff, I heard about what’s going to happen this summer. Are you excited to follow your brothers around?”

He scoffs, “It’s freaking ridiculous. I swear to god the only reason they decided to do it, is because they were jealous that we would get you while they were at work.”

“I wonder what you guys will do with me.” I’ve never been left in the house by myself before, they barely leave me alone in a room. There is always someone right next to me, I frown at the idea of being alone again.

“You will be coming with us without a doubt. We already discussed renovating the empty floor below their offices into a place for you to hang out while we are working.”

“Good to know I have nothing to worry about. I never thought I would say those words,” I chuckle. “I’m liking this situation more than I thought I would.”

“Situation?” I can tell he’s offended. “Is that what you think this is?”

I stop what I’m doing to meet his glare. “This,” I gesture to the both of us, “is a relationship. I love you, all of you. But when I first got here, it was a situation, don’t you try to tell me it wasn’t. We were still trying to figure out how we all felt about each other. And the main situation I’m talking about is the whole daddy thing. I never thought I would do something like this but I love it.”

“Really?”

I nod, “I didn’t really enjoy the possessiveness and all the rules but after awhile I began to see it as love. No one except for Jihyo ever really took care of me so I didn’t really think I could do it but now I’m all for taking a step back and letting someone else drive.”

“So you are really happy here with us?”

I click my tongue at him, “Of course, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.”

He comes closer and kisses me softly. “I love you too.”

We spend our hour decorating the very ugly cake in too much frosting, candy pearls and multi colored sprinkles. Our laughs are probably heard by passers by and the people who live above the little shop. When Kai comes in I’m sitting on the counter while Sehun is cleaning my face. Like me, he can’t help but laugh at Sehun in an apron and covered in frosting from the food fight we had.

“Don’t make fun of my Sehunnie!” I defend my dongseang by pulling him into a tight hug.

He chuckles in my embrace, returning the hug and kissing my softly, “Noona, you’re so cute when you’re protective.”

“Okay lover boy, she’s mine now,” Kai pouts. Sehun rolls his eyes before pecking my lips and lifting me off the counter. Kai help me with my jacket and leads me out of the shop. “Looks like you had fun,” He teases wiping away some frosting that got on to my neck.

“I did, I’ve been having a lot of fun today. What are we going to be doing?” I ask as we walk aimlessly down a busy street, Kai’s are is around me.

“Well since you weren’t able to find a dress for tonight when you were with Kris, we talked about it and decided to let you window shop instead of us just giving you options.”

“I would accept any dress you guys gave me.”

He cocks his head at me and gives me one of his signature grins, “Really? Even that baby doll one I picked out for you? Kris said you hated it.”

“That was you who picked it out? I was guessing Luhan or Soo.”

“There is a street of shops up here, if you want to go inside any of them just tell me.” I nod. We wander into random stores that seem like they would have what we’re looking for but in every store we come up empty. Yes, we find pretty dresses that we like but nothing that is good enough in Kai’s eyes for me. After walking out of the fifth store we continue along for about ten minutes until I see the perfect dress on a mannequin in on of the windows. I point it out to him and without question he leads me strait into the store and up to the counter. “We want that one in a size 3.”

The woman behind the counter seems to recognize him and bows quickly before rushing off to find the dress in my size. I raise a brow at him, “I didn’t know you guys were so famous.”

“Infamous fits us better. We have some bars and restaurants around here so we are pretty well known.”

The woman comes back in the dress in hand and it’s absolutely amazing. I can tell from the smile on Kai’s face he likes it too. It is a modern, toned down version of the dressed he had picked out for me at the dress store. It’s a nice ivory, with lots of lace and an open back. I thank her, she leads me to the dressing room to try it on.

“Even if you decide you don’t want it for dinner you are getting that dress for me,” Kai teases from the other side of the dressing room door. Since the shop is open to the public he thought it would be better for me to change myself. I love it even more when I have it on, it ends mid thigh, and reveals a small amount of my chest threw the lace. “Baby, give me one second, the shop owner wants to talk to me about something.”

“Okay!” I look at myself for a few more minutes feeling very narcissistic for doing so. I remember seeing a pair of shoes that would go great with it and decide to go find them. The shop isn’t very busy, there is group of boys just coming in but I’m too short to be seen amongst the clothing racks. I find the pair of golden heels I’m looking for and begin searching for either Kai or a worker to help me get my size down from the high shelf.

“Can I help you with something Beautiful?” I turn around to find a strangely attractive man with a jaw that could cut threw glass.

“I’m just looking for my boyfriend,” I answer calmly, my alarms don’t ring so I don’t feel threatened, not to mention Kai is most likely within screaming distance and my other daddies are somewhere near by.

“Boyfriend?” He clicks his tongue, “What a shame.” His eyes rake over me, “You look very familiar, have we met?”

I’m debating if he’s still hitting on me or being serious when a familiar voice calls my name, “Miss. Jooyoung!” Junhoe comes over to me with a group of boys trailing behind him.

“Junhoe!” I give him a small bow, sighing when he returns with a full 90 degree one.

“Miss. Jooyoung?” The sharp jawed man questions a bit breathless.

Junhoe nods, “This is the girl Hyungnim tells us about.”

The man is on his knees bowing in an instant, “I’m so sorry, please don’t tell Hyungnim, he will kill me. No, he’ll do worse than kill me! Please don’t tell him!”

“It’s fine,” I say trying to get the man to stand up.

“Hyung, stop your fucking crying,” Another boy steps up and gets the man from the ground.

“I don’t want to die!”

“You are not going to die, at least not because of Jiyong oppa, my boyfriend on the other hand looks like he is about to rip your head off.” I finally see Kai in a full black suit and he looks really good but he does not look one bit happy.

“Tell Jiyong hyung that if he wants to see our Jooyoung he can come himself instead of sending his fucking foot soldiers, I would respect him more,” Kai growls as he pulls me away from the group of boys.

Foot soldiers, huh?

They don’t look very intimidating, maybe it’s because Kai is here glaring down at them. A smaller one, he doesn’t look more than a few inches taller than me, and the one who picked up his friend from the floor are the only ones who don’t look like they about to cry. The more I look at them, the more I think of my friends, are they my daddies foot soldiers, at least some of them? These boys don’t look much older than me but looks can be deciving, especially the little one.

The mean one steps forward, “Our boss doesn’t know we are here, we are off the clock,” From the way he talks I’m guess he’s the leader of the band of boys.

“What a coincidence that we run into you and Seunghyun in one day?” Kai’s glare doesn’t falter.

“Oppa,” I say sternly, earning all of their attention. “It was an accident. Junhoe looked genially surprised to see me.”

“You know them?”

“Only Junhoe, he’s a waiter at Jiyong oppa’s restaurant.”

Kai sighs, “I’m sorry, I just feel like Jiyong hyung might be a little bitter that we took you on his day with you.”

“He is bitter but he plans to make up for it this weekend,” The boy explains coldly.

“You should smile more,” I say flatly.

His eyes flicker to me but another boy answers me, “Our boss has been really irritable today because he won’t see you for awhile and he’s been taking it out on our hyung. Once our boss calms down, he’ll relax.”

I nod in understanding, “Sorry if he’s being a pain. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Could I send a picture of you in that dress to him?” The small one asks already pulling out his phone.

“Hell no,” Kai snaps.

“Oppa, it will only take a minute,” I snap back firmly. I eye him up for a minute, wondering if he will pull out the daddy card and say I’m breaking a rule or something but instead he takes a deep breath to calm himself.

“Fine, I’m going to pay for that dress, did you want any shoes?”

I nod and point to the box on the high shelf that he easily reaches, “Anything else?”

“You should get that suit. You look really handsome,” I give him a small smile hoping it will make up for the time we are missing. He tries not to blush but fails, quickly turning away. “Okay, go ahead and take the picture. I have to get back to my oppa.”

The small man comes forward and takes a picture of me smiling, he bows, “Thank you.”

“I hope it helps, I gotta go, will I be seeing you guys this weekend?”

Junhoe nods, “We are the boss’s guards this weekend with his head of security, Youngbae Hyungnim.” I nod as if I understand who he is talking about, thanking him silently for adding another name for me to learn. We say our goodbyes and I go to join Kai by the register.

“I swear that man is stalking you,” He says without looking my way.

“I’m sorry, I seem to attract trouble.”

“It’s not your fault, we are the ones who put you in the situation to meet him. You just need to stop being so amazing and drawing all of these bad guys in.”

“Lucky for me I have a thing for bad boys,” I tease as I give him a back hug.

“And bad boys have a thing for sweet girls like you.”

“It makes me laugh how all the bad boys want to protect me from other bad boys.”

He chuckles, “You are either the luckiest girl in the world or unluckiest.”

“If being unlucky got me where I am, I’m just fine with that, I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.”

He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close, kissing the top of my head, “My baby is so sweet.”

“Oh little one,” Xiumin’s sweet voice calls out. I’m taken away from Kai’s embrace and pulled into Xiumin’s. “I’ve been so worried about you,” The older man coos.

“Minnie,” Luhan whines, “I want to see her!”

“You guys fight like children,” Kai scoffs at his hyungs, only earning himself a few smacks to the head. I’m dragged back to the dressing room where the dress is gently pulled off of me and am dressed in work out shorts and a t-shirt. Xiumin pulls out a pair of sweatpants to where over the shorts until we get to where ever we are going. Kai is gone by the time we come back out. They each hold one of my hands in theirs as we walk down the street, I feel as if they are closer than they need to be but I’m enjoying the warmth.

“I hope you are ready to have some fun,” Luhan beams at me.

I laugh at their childish cuteness, “What are we going to be doing that has you guys so excited?” A dirty thought passes threw my head and I stop in my tracks once we enter some tall building. They look back at me concerned. I don’t know if my naughty thoughts are right but can’t help it when my body starts to tingle at the thought. Of course I’ve thought about sleeping with more than one of them at a time but the idea just seemed too deviant for me to suggest myself. I didn’t think it would be them to suggest it though, I’ve always thought it would be Baekhyun and Chanyeol or Kai and Sehun. Definitely situations I would not mind but still the two oldest have always been very selfish when it comes to my time with them, for them to agree to this something must be up.

“What’s wrong little one?” Xiumin questions.

“Are you not feeling well?”

I want to uses the right words to not make it sound so perverted but end up saying, “I don’t think an hour is enough time for us three to have sex.” They look from me to each other before busting out laughing, my face flushes at my own words.

“We were not planning on having sex but it seems to be on your mind,” Luhan manages to say threw his laughing.

“We were going to play a game of soccer but if you really want we can head up to an empty room for a quickie. I’m not a fan of sharing but if you really want,” Xiumin teases.

“No, no, soccer is fine,” I mumble as they continue pulling me along with a pout on my face.

The oldest clicks his tongue at me, “Who would have thought that our baby would have such a dirty mind?”

“It’s good to know Baek and Yeolie can go on with their plan,” Luhan glances back at me with a smirk on his face.

“Their plan?” I whimper.

“They have been wanting to have threesome with you for awhile now. They hardly stop talking about it when you’re not there. But they were afraid it would be too much for you since you are still our innocent baby.”

We walk down a few flights of stairs until they open a door to an indoor soccer field. I let go of their hands to run out on to the field just for the hell of it. It’s been forever since I actually ran and even after ten minutes of me just running I don’t really want to stop. But I’m not given much of an option, Luhan takes it upon himself to tackle me to the ground, rolling us over so he takes the impact.

“Are you having fun baby?” He says rolling over once more so he’s on top of me. My chest is heaving and my heart is racing, he looks about the same as me, already exhausted from such a sort run.

“I haven’t ran in forever, it feels so good to be in the open.”

“You are really fast for being so small,” Xiumin plops down next to us in the same condition as us.

“Were you chasing me?” I hadn’t noticed them at all, I was way too focused on the free feeling in my body.

“You were lost in your own head like usual,” Lulu chuckles kissing me shortly.

“So soccer?” I question once Luhan rolls off me and I sit up.

“Have you ever played?”

I shake my head, “I’m not very coordinated so I stayed away from sports but I really want to try if it’s with you guys.”

“We’ll go easy on you,” Xiumin pats my head.

[Rushed Confessions and rescue missions - Levi Ackerman x Reader]

First Attack on Titan post and I’m so happy I finally finished this! I was so scared of messing it up that I procrastinated the last 800 or so words for a few days. But here it is and I hope you like it!

Word Count- 1839

Warnings- Just fluffy fluff

Don’t repost or plagiarise

***

“So, how was training today? Did shorty make things hard for you?” Hanji asks, grinning. Her brown eyes were lit up behind her goggles as she stared at our group.
“When does the Corporal not make things hard on us?” Reiner scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“Well, he made things hard on us.” Eren said, gesturing to the other people around him. “But he let Y/N skip out on the second half of her laps today.”
“I had a sore ankle,” You reasoned with him but they all rolled their eyes at you.
“Bertholdt passed out on his second to last lap and he still had to run the rest when he woke up. I swear, Shorty has a soft spot for you,” Ymir said and you blushed, using your hair to create a curtain in front of your face.
“Corporal would like to speak with you in his office after dinner, Y/L/N. Be there sharp or expect to be cleaning the stables, Brat,” Oluo sneered and you rolled your eyes, laughing as Petra tells him off for pretending to be like the Corporal.
“Brilliant. This will be my punishment for not completing my laps today,” You groaned, putting your head in your arms.
Hanji pet the top of your head in an attempt to console me and you sat back up once you was sure everybody was paying attention to their own business. You made eye contact with the Corporal at the table at the front of the Mess Hall.
He raised an eyebrow at me, motioning his head to when you had your head on the table, with a small smirk on his face. You weren’t sure if you had seen it because the next second he was gone, and his attention was back onto something that Erwin was saying.
You looked back down at the table, a blush high in your cheeks. His eyes flickered over to me at various points during the evening but you ignored it, not wanting to make things even more awkward than they already were.
After dinner, you rushed out of the mess hall and up the stairs to stand in front of the Corporal’s office door. You knocked on the door, waiting nervously for an answer.
“Name and Business.”
“Uh- Y/N Y/L/N, Sir. You asked to see me?” Your voice went up at the end, making what you intended to be a statement sound like a question.
“Come in,” He responded quietly from inside. You turned the door knob with a shaking hand and closed the door tight behind you. He motioned with one hand towards the chair sitting in front of his desk and you sat down without hesitation, looking towards the Corporal.
You were one of the only people who was shorter than him, which meant you got twice as much teasing for it. You were only two inches shorter, but Eren and Reiner still enjoyed to joke about your height, placing your gear on hard to reach shelves when you were late for training.
“So, where do you want me to clean? The stables? The second floor?” You asked, twiddling your thumbs in your lap. You thought it was better to get the whole ordeal over and done with, so you could get away from his intense gaze as soon as possible.
“Who said anything about cleaning?” He questioned, tilting his head to the side.
“I just thought-uh- because I didn’t finish my laps earlier-“
“You didn’t finish your laps earlier because I said you didn’t have to, that you had trained enough. You aren’t going to get a punishment for simply being dismissed,” Levi scoffed and you avoided eye contact again, looking anywhere around the room except at him.
“Oh right,” You replied, finally lifting your eyes up to meet his. “Then why did you ask to see me? If it has anything to do with Reiner and Eren, I swear they started it-“
“It has nothing to do with those two brats, although they probably deserved it,” You chuckled at that, inwardly agreeing with what he was saying. They always complained about having to clean the stables and you thought it was hilarious, as it only made Heichou double their shift. “By the sounds of it, you may find it hard to believe, but you are not in trouble. You have not done anything wrong, end of story.”
At this point, you couldn’t be more confused. Why would he call you to his office if you weren’t in trouble?
“I-I don’t understand-“
“Do you have any idea just how much you confuse me, brat?” You stared at the Corporal, wide eyed. His question caught you off guard, and you avoided eye contact as you tried to formulate some sort of answer. No suitable ones came to mind.
“I-I don’t know, Corporal-“
“Levi.”
“What?” You asked. It should be you asking why the Corporal was confusing you instead of the other way around.
“Don’t call me Corporal when there is no-one else there, it’s too bloody formal,” Levi scoffed and you nodded slowly, looking around the room. You twiddled your thumbs in your lap and when you looked up, Levi’s face was but inches from yours.
You squeaked and pushed yourself as far back into the chair as you could, your cheeks a brilliant crimson. Levi smirked at you and you inwardly cursed as there was nowhere else to look except at him.
“I don’t think you have any idea just how much you confuse me sometimes,” He continued before you could say anything. “Look, I’ve tried my best to not feel anything for you. Guess what? I failed.”
You stared up at him, your eyes wide. That’s not what you expected to hear at all.
“L-Levi, I-“
“But you don’t feel the same way, do you,” Levi frowned, backing away from you. He walked over to the window and stared out it, his back to you.
Levi knew that the chances that your feelings were returned were slim, but he thought that there might have been a possibility that you had feelings for him, but your shocked silence had shown him otherwise.
Levi had read into it all wrong. You did have feelings for him you just didn’t know how to say it. And you never got a chance to.
“There’s an expedition tomorrow so you better go res up for it,” Levi dismissed you. You opened an closed your mouth a few times, trying to say something, anything, but you were unable to.
“Just don’t die tomorrow, Levi,” You said to him before leaving, looking down at the floor.
So maybe she does care, Levi mused.
***
You brushed your hair out of your face as you rode in the formation, bouncing on your saddle. You focused on your squad leader, ignoring the feeling in your stomach that something bad was going to happen.
When the Female Titan appeared, your worry for Levi got increasingly worse. Your squad was stationed in the trees outside the forest, staring down at the titans at the base of your tree.
“What the hell is happening in there?” Jean asked when a loud screeching ran out through the air, and the titans lost interest in you.
“I don’t know but it doesn’t sound good,” You commented, preparing your ODM gear.
“You’re not planning on going in there are you?” Armin asked, staring warily at you.
“The Levi Squad is still in there,” You said and Mikasa nodded at you, firing the wires from her gear. You followed her into the forest.
You ignored the shouts from your squad as you sped through the trees, focusing solely on manoeuvring through the trees without slamming into stray branches.
“Eren!” Mikasa said and I gasped, my hands going over my mouth.
The female titan had bitten in the back of the neck of Eren’s titan form.
“Get back here Ackerman! Y/L/N!” Levi shouted, pulling you away from going to help Eren. You struggled against the arm around your waist but it was no use. He was too strong.
“We need to help him!” You replied, trying to push Levi’s arm off you.
“You made me promise that I wouldn’t die today, I’m expected you to promise me the same,” Levi whispered in your ear. You slumped against him, giving up at last.
“We can’t just leave him to die!” Mikasa screamed, glaring furiously at Levi. You wondered how she had the courage to act so brashly with him but considering how he treated Eren at his court case, you couldn’t blame her for not holding back.
“And I’m not going to! He’s in my squad, remember? Just make sure Y/N stays here and doesn’t do anything as brash as you.” Levi ordered, pushing you towards Mikasa.
You watched as he slashed at the arms and legs of the female titan, rendering them useless. He gouged at her eyes before moving onto her jaw, injuring her to the point where her mouth fell open.
Levi pulled Eren out of the Female Titan’s mouth and mover out of the way before she regenerated.
“Tch, disgusting,” Levi muttered, throwing Eren down onto the tree branch.
Mikasa frantically checked him over whilst you and Levi stood in silence, not knowing what to say to the other person.
***
You were only back at headquarters for a few hours before a knock on your door brought you out of your nap. Grumbling, you answered it, waking up when a nervous Armin stood in front of you, twiddling his fingers.
“T-The Corporal has asked to see you,” He stuttered before leaving.
Great, what have I done this time? You asked yourself before grabbing your jacket and leaving your room.
You knock on Levi’s door and he opened it wordlessly, gesturing to the chair that you had sat in the day before. You scurried over to it and sat down, nervously looking around the room.
“What you did today was reckless and stupid,” Levi scolded you and you hung your head, unable to look him in the eye.
“Yeah, yeah I know. So, what’s the punishment? Cleaning the stables? The Mess Hall? The entire headquarters?” You asked bitterly.
“Do you have a punishment kink or something? Why is it every time you’re in my office, you expect me to punish you?” Levi asked. You shrugged, pointing out that it was a reasonable assumption. “Tch, fine. I’ going to punch you in the face.”
“What?” You squeaked.
You pressed your back against the chair as Levi leant on the arms of the chair. You widened your eyes as he kissed you, not expected it at all. You were frozen.
“Softly. Because I love you,” Levi muttered, his grey eyes flickering between yours before down to your lips.
“I love you too,” You whispered, afraid to say it too loud.
Levi smirked, pulling you closer to him as he kissed you again. If that was what sparring was like with Levi, you thought that you’d like to fight him more often.

Why It Makes Total Sense that Ian Committed Suicide (in response to unanswered question #73) - submitted by skinnyappeal-blog - WORTH A READ!!!

Many people question Ian’s reason to commit suicide. After re-watching season 1 for Ian-specific scenes (aka not from the girls’ perspective), his story line and actions become much clearer. I have no doubts that suicide makes a lot of sense (though this should have been directly specified in the actual show). So let’s go through this chronologically from Ian’s perspective:

Season 1, Episode 10

While Ian is still dating Melissa, he and Alison have an affair for some undetermined amount of time. This is the first episode in which we learn about this relationship. While he is involved with both Melissa and Alison, he also kisses Spencer in a flashback during this episode. Both Alison and Spencer are 15 year old girls at the time. This is extremely aggressive predatory behavior. His affair with Alison is legally considered rape, and depending on Pennsylvania’s laws, the kiss with Spencer could be considered sexual assault or at least would show a pattern in his sexual interest toward underage girls. He is also directly involved in filming underage girls with the NAT Club, something he would for-sure serve many years for doing as this would be considered child pornography among a myriad of other charges.

Episode 13

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Ian is with Alison on an intimate trip to Hilton Head (kidnapping since they crossed state borders from her home state) the immediate few days before she is thought to have been murdered. He even sees her that night. He gives her his jacket, which to his knowledge she is wearing when she is “killed” and can directly link her back to him if anyone, especially the police, realize the jacket is his. From his perspective, he has many serious crimes that need to remain hidden, and his connection to Alison could easily start unearthing them all in a full police murder investigation.

Episode 8

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This is the first episode in which we see present-day Ian. Interestingly, this first on-camera appearance is at Alison’s memorial. Hearing about the discovery of “Alison’s” body, he knows that he needs to be proactive about creating a strong defense around himself. Before the memorial, he had already asked Melissa to coffee, which she declined at the time.

Episode 10

After Ian asks Melissa to talk with him a second time and Spencer convinces her to go with him, Melissa and Ian are not seen again until the next episode. Ian’s continued emphasis on speaking with Melissa indicates that the conversation he had in mind was important. It wasn’t as if they had parted on good terms or were still friends. The last time he had seen Melissa was a year ago when he broke up with her after she had miscarried. This was not necessarily the friendliest of situations in which to try to reinsert himself as Melissa made perfectly clear by her less-than-pleased attitude toward him.

Episode 11

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However, the next time we see Ian and Melissa at the beginning of the next episode, it is clear that their relationship has shifted dramatically. Melissa explains this to Spencer by saying that they “had lots of things to talk about”. By the end of this same episode, they have eloped. Their relationship goes from beginning of day 1 Melissa having to be convinced to even talk with Ian to end of day 2 Ian and Melissa being married. What was their motive for getting married, especially so quickly? Spouses can’t be forced to testify against their significant other. This is where I typically hear people argue that Ian was trying to protect Melissa, but I would argue that Ian was trying to protect himself–Melissa knew about Alison (rape). Ian knows that an investigation into a murder is going to be much deeper than an investigation into a missing person’s case, and his involvement with Alison may very well come to light. At the time, who else knew about his affair with Ali than himself (he wouldn’t tell), Alison (who was thought to be dead), and Melissa (who he married so she didn’t have to testify against him)? It would be hard to find strong connection, let alone prove guilt, with everyone silenced. He went to Melissa because she was smart enough to know how shady she would look under police investigation. I don’t know if Ian ever knew about Melissa’s involvement with “Alison’s” death, but he came to her because he knew they could both benefit by legally protecting one another.

Episode 14

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This whole plan might have worked, except A is actively turning the girls against Ian behind the scenes. This episode is where the three elements collide–Ian has been busy protecting himself from what the investigation might unearth, and A has been trying to make Ian seem as guilty as possible to the liars. Then, Emily, in her drugged state at the dance marathon, confronts Ian about his “role” in Alison’s death, saying, “I know what you did. We all know, and you’re not going to get away with it.” From this point on, Ian takes a more offensive, rather than his previous defensive, position to protect himself. Now he knows that he needs to silence more than just Melissa.

Episode 18

Ian gets nowhere in placating Spencer, and Spencer gradually becomes more certain and LOUDER about Ian’s involvement in “Alison’s” death. This is a serious issue for Ian; in fact, this was exactly what he was trying so desperately to avoid. The situation meets another exploding point when Spencer accuses Ian of being involved in Alison’s death to his face. This is the moment Ian knows he needs to go further in protecting himself. There must be some reason Spencer has such strong suspicions about him–does she know about the videos? He still doesn’t want to hurt Spencer, so what’s left?

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If Melissa won’t testify against him about his affair with Alison and he gets the videos from Spencer, then it won’t matter how Spencer sounds off against him–all of his crimes will have been securely hidden away. He turns to Jenna to try to gain information about how to find the videos. He knows Jenna will help because she wants those videos destroyed as much as he does, and she’s easy to keep silent about them since she was caught on film in a clear criminal act. Jenna then enlists Caleb to find the key Alison might have given the girls.

Still, there’s A in the background foiling his plans. A plants the trophy with the rat’s blood to trick the girls into turning Ian into the police. This goes exactly as A wants–the liars, especially Spencer, come under heavy police scrutiny, and for a long time, it seems like a strong likelihood that Spencer will go down for Alison’s murder.

Episode 22

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The liars tell Jenna that they have found the videos she paid Caleb to find, not knowing that she is connected to Ian who is also connected to the videos. Jenna calls Ian to inform him that the girls now have the videos. This is a serious issue. Spencer isn’t backing down. In fact, she’s been as vocal about his perceived guilt as she could be. Now she also has a huge piece of evidence against him. Why would he doubt that she would use it? By this point he would have known that she had turned his trophy into the police. And she had tried to connect him to the videos by texting him on the burner phone. She was clearly out for his blood. Now he knew that if he wanted to protect himself–and the baby, whom he loved very much, as well as Melissa–he needed to go after Spencer’s blood.

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Ian only failed in his plan to kill Spencer because of Alison, who was supposed to be dead, suddenly appearing. Somehow he didn’t die from being thrown from the bell tower. But think about this:

-Alison is alive. His plan to marry Melissa worked because only Melissa, other than himself, knew about his illegal relationship with Alison. If Alison is alive, she can testify against him. She also knows about his involvement in the videos.

-Spencer has his videos. These two things alone were exactly what he was working so hard to avoid.

-At this point, he has also tried to commit murder, another felony charge. He wasn’t planning on Spencer being alive to testify against him or any witnesses seeing him in the act.

-After landing in the ropes, Ian would have sustained very serious injuries (as Wren indicated in season 2).

Ian would have felt that he was facing certain prosecution and jail time–and jail time as a rapist, kidnapper, and child pornographer along with attempted manslaughter. At that point, his self-preservation could have meant more than Melissa, whom he married more for protection than love, or his baby, whom he wouldn’t have been able to be there to raise anyway if he was going to jail. Without being able to access a hospital, his injuries would have been incredibly painful, and he must have known that they weren’t just going to get better without medical care. In that moment, Ian made the decision to commit suicide rather than face his ailing health, his fall from social grace, and a life as a prisoner under the legal system.

#214 - For tokyyo-narita & anonymous x2

Filling the prompts “a fic where vans gf sees van masturbating and this doesn’t have to be smutty at all, and she feels really insecure about herself because she feels like a failure by van reassures her and stuff?” and “Van meeting reader on a train/subway?” from @tokyyo-narita and “reader is like quite well spoken (not posh or anything, just like a very proper accent) and then the boys take the piss out out her a bit because she starts to sound/ speak like van?”

Bonus mini-request for the reader starting to smoke and Van being (hypocritically) against it.

Warnings: Although not explicitly discussed, there are mentions of past abuse/neglect. Reader runs away from home and there are good reasons for that, but it’s not explored in the fic. 


The map didn’t help. You studied it again and again, each time only serving to confuse yourself more. The bag on your back was heavy, your feet hurt, and the feeling of dread and anxiety sitting low in your stomach was itching for attention. Fuck it, you thought, except not in those words because you’d never, ever swear. Cussing would lead to punishment, and you’d become excellent at avoiding that. You turned away from the map and decided to board any of the trains. Surely any destination would be better than what you were leaving behind.

In the carriage, you surveyed the other people but avoided eye contact. It was very late, so there were only a few people on board. You weren’t used to strangers, so all of them seemed frightening. Again, still better than who you were leaving behind.

Nobody seemed to notice you, except a boy sitting a few seats behind. You could hear the music coming from his headphones. He was bouncing in his seat; too much energy and excitement for something. There was a guitar case at his feet and a backpack sitting on top of it. When he came and jumped into the seat in front of you on his knees, leaning over the back of the chair to speak to you, you had been twisting the sleeves of your dress. A nervous habit.

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