"Well, that could've gone better" - bokuroakatsuki im so deep in this hell bc of u and idec anymore I've accepted my fate hit me w ur best
It was not unusual for Akaashi to come home only to about-face and go for a spontaneous one-hour long walk right after work, briefcase still in hand. That just couldn’t be helped when two thirds of your boyfriends were absolute nut-jobs. He did love them, sure. Adored them, even. But sometimes… sometimes they were just too much.
However, it was unusual for him to not even get as far as opening the door to their house before he felt like walking out again.
“Okay,” he said, drawing in a deep breath as he stood in the garden gate and looked upon the horrendous picture before him. Tearing his eyes away and glancing at the watch on his wrist, he added: “You have ten minutes to pack your bags and leave the country before Tsukishima comes home and kills you.”
Bokuto and Kuroo looked down at him from where they were posed on a ladder, both sporting huge hedge clippers.
“What?” said Kuroo innocently. “Why would we do that? This is his birthday present!”
Akaashi pressed his eyes closed, hoping that somehow, he was just dreaming and the scene would change as soon as he opened his eyes again. Unfortunately, he knew better. “You sculpted all of our shrubs into dicks… for his birthday?” he asked, pained. “Are you aware that birthdays are not randomly interchangeable with April’s fools?”
Bokuto made a scandalized face upon his words. “Wha-!” he proclaimed and leaned back on his ladder as if to look at the sculpture from a bigger distance. “These are dinosaurs! Can’t you see that?”
Akaashi’s lid began to twitch. “How are those dinosaurs?” he asked. Slowly. Calmly. Furiously.
“Well, you see,” said Kuroo, using his huge hedge clipper like a pointer to gesture along the shrub’s… shaft. “We wanted to do the ones with the long necks, because they’re the easiest, and also adorable, and also tallest, so it’s like… triple appropriate for Tsukki.”
“Are you saying he’s easy, then?” Akaashi asked and immediately shook his head at himself for getting distracted. “More importantly – I can see how this would be a long neck with a head on it – but what’s with the two balls down there?”
Bokuto took it upon himself to explain the absolute moronism that had apparently taken them over once again. “Well, you see – once we were done with the neck, we noticed there was not enough shrub left for the body, so we had to improvise!” he said, like that made any sense at all.
“By turning it into a dick,” said Akaashi.
“No! You see – those are its little feet poking out from the ground!” said Kuroo, waving the hedge clippers about. “It’s like a cute puppy dinosaur, just popping up from our garden! Like so!” He threw the clippers away to put on a puppy face and form two paws with his hands.
“It’s an erect penis,” said Akaashi.
“No, it’s not!” Bokuto protested, imitating Kuroo’s ridiculous pose. “It’s like so!”
Akaashi tried to fight his nearing headache with a long sigh. “Would you please… just come down from that ladder and look at it from here?” he asked with long practiced patience.
“Hm…” said Bokuto, once they were both standing next to Akaashi and took a good look at their work. How exactly they had managed to cut five shrubs into this form without noticing… Akaashi would never understand. “I guess… I can kind of see it now,” Bokuto admitted.
Kuroo sat down on the ground with a long groan. “Well, that could’ve gone better,” he said. “So what do we do now?”
“Run?” Akaashi suggested.
“Uhm, yeah… too late,” Bokuto said.
Akaashi turned around with an overwhelming feeling of dread spreading in his stomach. He just hoped Tsukishima would know that this was in no way Akaashi’s fault, idea or influence!
Tsukishima just stood where Akaashi had stood before – just one step through the garden gate, looking at the multitude of penises spread across their lawn. His face was unreadable and he didn’t say a word.
“Hap-” Bokuto started and got interrupted by Kuroo kicking at his boot. They seemed to be having a drawn-out mental conversation, which Bokuto won, somehow, because when they both looked at Tsukishima again, they sounded in unison: “Happy birthday, babe!”
It didn’t sound very convincing.
“Did you…” said Tsukishima, face still unreadable. “Did you seriously sculpt all of our shrub into dicks… for every passing person to see?”
“Uh…” said Bokuto.
“Well…” Kuroo added.
“Actually…” Akaashi tried to explain, because no matter how angry he was at these two idiots, he did not want this evening to end in a bloodbath. However, he never got to explain anything, because Tsukishima had already thrown himself at Bokuto – and not even to punch or strangle him. What they were doing looked suspiciously like… hugging. “Okay, what?” Akaashi groaned.
Kuroo was on his feet two seconds later, throwing himself into the hug.
“You guys know me so well!” Tsukishima smiled – he actually smiled! And no – Akaashi could not accept that – this had to be a dream after all, because no way in hell. No way in hell-
“I can’t believe I never thought of this!” Tsukishima continued. It was hard to hear him through the throbbing pain in Akaashi’s head. “Finally everyone will leave us in peace. No more annoying neighbors trying to befriend us. No more girl scouts. No more people trying to sell us vacuum cleaners or get us to join their church! Nobody will ever want to ring the doorbell of the perverts with a bunch of dick-bushes in their garden! This is the best present ever!”
Bokuto and Kuroo had nothing to add to that except for matching beams, and Akaashi had to watch them escort an elated Tsukishima over to the door.
Akaashi was left with nothing else to do but recalculate.
He had been wrong with two thirds. It had been three thirds all along. One hundred percent.
All of his boyfriends were absolute nut-jobs.