Growing up, I was never told I was beautiful. Ever. I heard people use that word to describe my best friend. I heard people use that word to describe babies, but I was never personally told, “You are beautiful. You’re gorgeous! You’re pretty!” If I had ever been told that, I don’t remember. What I do remember, is being taunted, and it always had something to do with my teeth. I remember in tenth grade, this guy in my class joked that I could open a can opener with my teeth. A year later, I got into an argument with my mother’s boyfriend, and he called me a “b-ck toothed b-tch” while she stood there. And she let him. I was enraged, I was hurt, I was insulted, and most of all, I felt worthless.
I can’t imagine how many kids today, with the rise of social media, are getting taunted and bullied, because of something on their body that may not be perfect. I was insulted in my own home and at school, but my already trampled self-esteem would have been hundred times worse, if I had to be subjected to those comments every time I uploaded a photo to Instagram or a picture to Twitter.
Do people really know how their words affect people?
By the time I went off to college, I was tired of the commentary on my imperfect smile, so I got a part time job, and made an orthodontist appointment. Luckily, they had a payment plan at this particular location, and I was able to pay off my braces in two years. When the braces came off, I still had gaps in my teeth because a few of them were smaller than they were supposed to be, so I had to invest in temporary fillers. Then I wore a retainer. Then I made a visit back to a dentist, who had to re-up my old temporary fillers because I couldn’t quite afford porcelain veneers just yet. This was a total of about 5 years of tweaking my smile. Around 2011, I spent a boat-load of money on getting my temporary composite fillers replaced with a nice set of bright-white porcelain veneers. And trust me, I worked hard for those veneers!
Has a nice smile changed my life? I can say it has. I smile more, especially at strangers, which makes me seem a bit more sweet and welcoming. I’m not insecure about my smile, so I can enjoy a conversation with someone without wondering if they are staring at my imperfections.
But I’m also saddened that I allowed people, who don’t even matter and who are not present in my life (who knows where they are and what they are doing right now), make such a lasting impression on my esteem as an adult. I’m saddened when I log on to Twitter, and I see someone slamming someone’s personal appearance; their teeth, their hair, their skin tone and other things that they were born with. The other day, someone on Twitter said “with that nappy mop you have on your head” to someone on my timeline and of course, they were hiding behind a profile of their favorite celebrity because they definitely wouldn’t dare subject themselves to those same insults.
Most of the time when people say evil things about you, it’s a reflection of how they are really feeling about themselves. There are people in the world who are scared to look at themselves in the mirror. And 95% of the time, they aren’t being told they are “beautiful” either, so it’s so much easier for them to exert that energy onto you.
It reminds me every day that when I have my little girl or boy, that I will make sure that he or she is told every day before they walk out of the house that they are beautiful. We have to get to our children, before society gets to them.
In the photo, I used at the top of this post, I was hurting that day. I was going through some things and had just shipped everything I owned across the country. But I smiled, and my friend Patrick captured that smile, and looking back, that smile made that moment seem so much more beautiful than it really was.
Conversations With Friends: "Wanting A Better Love"
Friend: The commitment to be a better person and keep improving on self is the central theme I want in a relationship. I think a big thing that I am searching for is someone who wants to grow with me, and will stay as I grow into a better person year by year. As you grow you keep changing into a different person and that causes growing pains and I want to be with someone who will be around for that. And I want the same from my husband, for him to grow, cause as he grows, I grow.
I have made that point so clear In my last 2 relationships and I think it scared them, so I need to reevaluate how I word it. For my ex, I think he was just happy being who he was, not really interested in the work it takes to be a better person. The guy before my ex, I scared him and he didn’t think he was good enough, like he was afraid he wouldn’t live up to my expectations of growing to be a great man (although that was just a character flaw in him never thinking he was good enough).
Necole: I really think no matter how you word it, if a man can not handle that you want to grow together as a couple, he may not be on the same page. You tried your hardest to push and motivate your ex and make him the man you knew he could be. I don’t know the extent of the relationship but in evaluating your friendships and relationships, you sometimes have to look at some of the people around you as birds that are pecking at you. They need to be fed, so they are pecking away at your soul and your spirit as you feed them and motivate them to be better. If you have people around you that are always being fed but no one’s feeding you, what’s going to happen? You won’t grow and you will be drained of your energy.
I’ve made a personal commitment to myself to keep and surround myself with people who feed me in return so that I can keep growing and building. I also truly believe that the people that we date should be a good representation of who we are and where we are going. When you are in a relationship or a marriage, every time you step out, you step out as a representative of not only yourself but the person you are dating. You will eventually be known as “such and such’s girlfriend” or “wife,” so the people we choose has to be a good spokesperson for who we are. Coincidentally, Sister Souljah made the same point to Will Smith when she was talking to him on the panel in Philly. She said, when Jada steps out, no matter what she does, she will always be, “Will Smith’s wife. She is a representation of you.”
I say all this to say, with all of these variables in mind (finding someone that feeds me, wants to be better and wants to grow together as well as me being confident that they are a good representation of who I am), it makes it a whole lot easier to weed out the BS when it comes to dating.
You are a very strong woman with a strong personality and your man has to be able to handle that. It’s no dumbing down and dimming your light to make him comfortable. He’s gonna have to be comfortable and secure enough within himself to handle who you are and what you bring to the table while still challenging you and helping you grow.
Every day there is someone out there that is in a situation that they don’t want to be in. When I say that, I mean they are working a job and not a career. They are paying the bills and not finding personal and/or professional fulfillment of any kind.
We end up becoming slaves to these material things that we will outlast – cars, jewelry, purses, shoes or whatever other material items that reflect the lifestyle we want to live. This job might be paying you the money to support this lifestyle, but is it what you truly want to be doing?
Born on the eastern shore of Maryland in a small town called Cambridge – this is the woman that we know as Necole Bitchie. She is a great inspiration not only to women, but to us all. Her story is filled with sacrifice in exchange for the journey and adventure of discovering herself and her own destiny. Knowing yourself is important, right?
Necole has soared to become one of the most famous and recognizable bloggers out there. Her name, also her brand, has become synonymous with celebrity gossip that unlike with most bloggers is verified news. That’s probably the reason why when you read her stuff – it doesn’t have that manufactured feel to it, because it isn’t.
Her brand doesn’t stop there; soon you can expect to see a lifestyle brand from the young blogger/entrepreneur.
Necole and I conversed about the sacrifices she made to be the woman she is today.
Thank you for taking the time out to talk to me today, Necole. I truly appreciate
I appreciate it as well, Bryan. Thank you.
So, where are you originally from Necole?
I grew up in a very small town on the eastern shore of Maryland called Cambridge.
What are some of your most important childhood memories that led you to being the woman that you are today?
My mother worked so hard, so I spend a lot of time with my grandmother. She was the first business owner that I ever knew. My grandmother owned a barber shop and she
Gossip Girl: The for-real rags-to-riches story of Necole Bitchie
By: Adrienne Samuels Gibbs
[Ebony Magazine, March 2011]
Necole Bitchie, the famously fearless gossip blogger, is afraid of the ocean. In some circles, this fear is called thalassophobia. It’s an intense dislike of open waters and a similar dislike for the fish-monsters that likely live in said spaces.
Bitchie recently took the bitch by the horns and dunked herself in the Atlantic. What better way to cure the phobia than by jumping in feet first. “I wanted to face my fear,” says Bitchie, nee Necole Kane, creator/owner of a used-to-be-but-is-now-not-quite-so-mean-spirited blog that garners some 3. 2million visitors, per Google Analytics. “I can swim. But the ocean? It just scares me. I went [to the Dominican Republic,] and I swam with dolphins; it was an amazing experience.”
Said, trip taken over the Christmas holiday, wasn’t technically a vacation. Bitchie, though one of the Internet’s most bankable voices, only has one assistant, Kimmy, who temporarily took over the hourly blog posts, sending the items to Bitchie for approval prior to posting. It all makes for a 17-hour day with the daily arising at 6a.m.; perusal of CNN, MSNBC, FOX, and other news sites by 7a.m.; checking in with sources about celebs and newsmakers by 9a.m.; and posting of new, juicy gossip every hour or half hour until about 4p.m. And then, while Stateside, there are those parties and happy hours. She’s got to hit those up too.
“I feel like I’m working all of the time. To be honest,” says Bitchie who last year was the Black Weblog Award judges’ pick for the top gossip blog. “I’ve been working on my blog full time for about two years.”
Then she gets sentimental. Sniffles. Starts to cry. NecoleBitchie.com is her baby. Her family. It’s all she has
Sending a special thank you to the 30 beautiful winners of #xonecole Girl Talk with Melanie Fiona. Last night was truly the highlight of my 6 years being a blogger. The energy and love and support everyone showed each other as Mel shared her story and you guys shared yours was just phenomenal. So often women tear each other down but last night was a true sisterhood. A no judgement zone. A room full of positive energy that I wish more could have experienced. It will only get bigger and better. Thank you Ultra Sheen Supreme and Pynk Magazine. My dream would not have existed if it wasn’t for your support. Most of all thank you Melanie Fiona for your transparency. We all left changed women and most of all inspired. Can’t wait to take this show on the road! God is so amazing!
In this month’s O Magazine, Four writers and a photographer dished on how they get away from their busy lifestyles with a brief questionaire. I decided to answer it for myself. Here we go:
My quickest stress reliever… believe it or not stretching. I am one step away from being a Yogi, I can feel it! When I feel tensed I stretch for about 15 minutes and I can actually feel the energy that is not good for me, flowing out of my body. When I’m stumped, I run a really hot shower. The steam totally clears my head. If all else fails, I meditate.
My most peaceful place is… a friend’s house that lives in the country. It’s a nice escape and break from the noise of the Big Apple. It’s something about trees, back roads and nature that helps spark my creativity.
My favorite comfort food is… a banana oreo smoothie
When I’m feeling anxious, I call… my friend Summer. She’s been married for 10 years, is balancing a husband, three kids, her regular job and has just launched her own business. I swear she has an S on her chest. Any problem I have, she seems to have an answer to it. She keeps me grounded all while reminding me that life may not be perfect, but if you think you deserve the best, then you will eventually get the best. And as women, we definitely can have it all :)