this-year-has-gone-by-too-fast

It’s been a year to the day that my grandmother died.
My take no shit, badass, knows how to accept a child grandmother. If not for her I probably would’ve been kicked out of my house for being gay.
I wear her ring with pride, and the only thing that will replace it on my finger is my wedding band.
Rest granma, you’ve done enough, you’ve earned it

Only two days left before the New Year

WHAT

Some of you who know me personally know that this past year has been a rough, shitty year for me. The world threw me a curveball. Changes. Transitions. Losses. One of the toughest things I had to deal with was having to say goodbye to my brother Frank. He’s been on my mind a lot lately. I think about him all the time. It’s so crazy to think that a year has come and gone so fast. I will always remember being a kid and my bro picking me up in his huge truck that I basically had to climb up on to get in, and him taking me to 7-11 for hot dogs and slurpees. I’ve learned a lot from him whether or not he knew it. How to be a gentle person. How to be kind. How not to take everything too seriously. How to crack stupid jokes and how to keep smiling and laughing. Especially through the tough shit. So, I guess that’s what I’m doing now. I love you. I miss you.❤️❤️❤️

Many many thanks to @benjaminhaft for making this awesome tattoo on me. 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼

[DN] Light Stacking - I miss you

Hie, it has been a year. And today the kingdom lifts its veil of mourning for your death, but the regret will always linger with me. 

Today I will leave the castle. I will forever treasure the memories we shared in this place but right now it is too much for me… They wanted me to bodyguard for Alcie but I refused. 

Please don’t be lonely. I’ll come back every year, I promise.

Five years have gone by so fast. If you were alive you would have married at some point, and crowned king… Looking at it now I see that my suggestion to escape only brought more harm than good for the both of us. 

Then again I wouldn’t have known…

Hie, I wonder… Did you ever get the feeling that I was different and abnormal? Because, you see, Immy noticed it…

He said that I looked the same as the day he first met me. 

That was almost ten years ago. 

I’m… not human.

Perhaps this was the Goddess’ design, her way of telling me that we weren’t meant to be together at all…

But you know? I will still love you anyways. Who knows, maybe I can live enough to see you again, in your next life…

Hieratia, right now only you share the time that I live in. Everyone else has moved on with their lives.

Ten years. Have you met Estaire in the afterlife? I’m relieved that he died peacefully in his sleep, without pain…

Itreis has passed as well… Imprevatia has a family now, and so does Alcie. And me… I’m trying to make good use of my life.

Isviel said that it wasn’t impossible for me to cross time and space the way she did.

What if I could reverse everything that had happened to us?

There is nothing more for me to lose, so there’s no harm in trying, for me…

…… 

Please watch over me, my love.

Even if it takes me forever… Even if I won’t be able to see you again… If the possibility of lessening your suffering is not zero…

Last couple days with Laura. This month has gone by way too fast. The last days we are together are never easy, but we have to stay strong and make plans for our next time together, which probably won’t happen until a year from now. We’ve been lucky to spend 2 months together in total in less than one year, we got to share so many wonderful moments together that we will always cherish, and I know we still have a whole lifetime of wonderful moments together ahead of us. All it takes is just a little patience. I love her so much and I always will, no matter what. I’m just going to miss her so much.

Thank you so much for your support even though we don’t have the time to update our blog often. We really do appreciate you guys.

- Juani.

Month 5

Month five has come and gone and this one seems really big to me. Five months is so close to six, which is half a year that it’s really boggling my mind how the time could really go so fast.

This month has been a big month for Ezra too. He’s growing so much and is so long / tall that he’s in 9 month clothes! Maybe that’s normal and I’ve got “new mom naivety” but it’s true when we tell him he’s a “BIG boy!”

He laughs, but only for Matt and Ginny. He started solid foods and has had peas, green beans, sweet potatoes and prunes (yum). He loves them all (obviously he’s a little partial to the sweet potatoes most).

Ah…the *still not sleeping* part…

Yep. It’s true. This 5 month old baby still wakes up in the middle of the night. Sometimes two or three times (sometimes more). 

When Ezra was born, he was on such a good schedule that we didn’t have to set our alarms anymore to make sure he was eating enough. As an infant, every 2-3 hours on the dot - 2 oz. As he grew we upped it to 3 oz. and he would easily go three hours without needing a bottle. He slept in a bassinet the first month then a rock n’ play (which, everyone swore would make him sleep through the night). Then he hit his 10 lbs mark, which everyone swore would make him sleep through the night. Then he was 12 weeks old and everyone swore he would sleep through the night. But alas, no luck.

Don’t get me wrong, he had a handful of nights (I think three, honestly) where he slept 7 hours. But on the regular? No way. 

Before we moved he was easily sleeping 5-6 hours though. The best sleep yet…since the move…nada. I’m not sure if it’s the readjustment that has thrown him out of whack or the 4 month sleep regression (that I spent several hours reading about…scary stuff) or something else but currently, he’s sleeping 4 hours the first half of the night then he’s up every 2-3 again.

Yes, we tried letting him cry it out. Yes, we put him in another room. Yes, we’ve put him right next to us. Yes, we’ve fed him extra large bottles right before bed time (which he loves) but this little kiddo is just frankly, not a good sleeper.

And that’s ok.

I’m here to cuddle him in the middle of the night and give him those extra bottles. I’m here to reassure him that I’m still close by. It’s my job, and my priveledge. Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m exhausted all the time. But when it’s 3 AM and he’s lost his pacifier and can’t calm himself I have to step back and think that he won’t need me like this forever. And before I know it, he’ll be sleeping 10 hours as a teenager (or more) and spending the night away with friends. 

So while I can, I’m going to suck it up and rock this boy back to sleep as many times as he needs and help him figure out this sleep thing together. (Again, we both need the sleep…I’m just trying to make the best of the lack of it.)

Love you little angel…thank you for just being you.

Day 76: 3rd good day in a row

So its my 3rd day of not taking my medicine now and I’m still feeling pretty decent. With much fewer nasuea spells and little dizzyness, things definitely seem to be improving

I finished my last two tests today so I’ll be having a follow up appointment on Monday with my neurologist. Hopefully it’ll give us some answers and nothing too awful will be going on.

I’m just looking at the bright side of life right now :) a big change from not too long ago when things seemed very grim and I wasn’t in a very good place. I’m happy with this change though!

And I still can’t believe I only have 4 more days until I head back to school.. This summer has gone by so fast. But I’m excited to get things started again, my last year of undergrad!!

Feel free to message me if you wanna talk about anything as always! Always glad to help out :)

P.S. I just wanna make a quick note. I heard a tragic story today about a wonderful person today, inside and out. So I’m dedicating my prayers tonight to her and to all of those who have gone through there trials and tribulations. To those who made it out. To those who escaped with scratches and bruises. And to those who didn’t. Always remember. Never forget.

Since one direction has been around for 5 years, I figured I’d share this today. So much has changed for me in the last 5 years and it’s crazy how fast it’s all gone. I originally put my one direction posters up to remind me of why I was pushing through the hardest point in my life. Now that I have a year of college under my belt and I’ve come to terms with what happened, I thought it was time to take down the now very creepy 2010-2013 posters. I’ve now put up ones that resemble who I am as a person. 5 years has gone too fast but I know I made it to this point because of 5 dumbasses.

Dear Grandpa,
It’s been a year since you’ve been gone and boy did it go by fast! There’s not a day that goes by that you don’t cross my mind. And lately I swear your spirit has been with me because I can feel you.. Our birthdays passed and it was hard not sending you a bday card or even a Father’s Day card too! I sure do miss you but I’m thankful that I have a daily reminder of you by looking at My Daddy. Keep watching over me 👼🏾💙 I love you always.. #RIPGrandpa

Part 2

I never knew venting would be so difficult, even when I’m doing it anonymously. Even just thinking about it makes me shiver.

In my previous post, I mentioned that a lot of things, yet nothing has made me feel this way. And it really scares me. I’m especially scared if it happens to me in public; like school.

Next year is my last year of high school and I have my GCSE’s. I am not prepared. At ll. I wonder how I have ended up at this point in my life. It’s all gone so fast. Only yesterday did I move to Shitland.

hey.. don’t say that. you’ve got more than half the world. you have a roof over your head and are fed daily. shut up.

NO. NO NO NO I AM TOO SELFISH. I WANT MORE OKAY. I HATE THIS PLACE. I HATE EXAMS. I JUST HATE ALL OF THIS.

Why can i not just live free? Have all the time in the world? WHO EVEN CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT OF TIME? Why are we all being pushed away by the clock’s hand? 

I hate this.

I fucking hate this.

What made me write down that last post was something that happened to me a few nights ago, and I can the lead up to it every day. I think you call it hyperventilation.

Anx-

i don’t even want to type it.

I gotta go.

Scared

It’s all getting real too fast. Selling my home, relocating to another state but not knowing yet where in that state we have to be. Husband has the great job already…,I’m floundering still stuck here while he’s there.
Terrifying turning life upside down again. Am I able to start fresh, find new comfort zones. Not including what’s been gone for over three years as part of our household; our life. Being able to meet new friends without the sad background.
How do I not acknowledge his existence? I can’t act like he never was.
But all advise is I do not have to bring him up. So much of me is built on his existence.
Balance, I guess that’s what I can strive for.

I’ve had a pretty good week. First it was my birthday, then work has been rather calm. And sometimes when I was bored I could hear Markiplier singing “Open the door, get on the floor, everyone do the dinosaur.” or Jack yelling “Speeeeed is keeey!!!!!!” while training a checker today along with the occasional herb lore ramble in my head. I’m going back to college in a couple weeks to start my junior year. Time has gone by way too fast, and I hope I can spend my time focused on school. I’m still not 100% sure what I’ll do with the rest of my life, but I hope I can change peoples lives for the better no matter what I choose. So until I figure it out… HERB LORE! (no sorry at all)

Windows 10 is ready for new laptops and PCs

Windows 10 is on the fast track for its final release just weeks before its official release on July 29th.

After months to years of teasing and demos, Windows 10 has finally gone gold and is ready to release to manufacturing (RTM). The Verge reports Microsoft has released a new build designated as RTM 10240, which will be making its way into new laptops and PCs from Original Equipment Manufacturers.

Don’t get too jealous though, because only a very limited number of these machines preloaded with Windows 10 will actually hit the streets on July 29.

Tiny test group

For now, build 10240 is only available to Windows 10 testers, which includes a small group in Microsoft Insiders program.

The RTM release also spells the end of Windows 10 preview builds. Gabe Aul, engineering general manager for Microsoft’s OS group confirmed that Microsoft will focus on working with Insiders to use, stress, and validate the new operating system’s distribution and upgrade processes.

As the final version of Windows 10 will release to retail in a digital form later this month, its likely that build 10240 will become outdated come July 29. In the event that were to happen, there very well could be a Day One update for these new machines.










MyBook

I love this blog, I don’t write a lot but it has always made me feel better. So I had this crazy idea to write a book. Its probably going to take me 5 years but it doesn’t matter, I will get there. I thought I would post the first page. However many times I post stuff on here, I still get nervous. So here goes…

Recovery Diary- Round 3-

The day after- Familiar feelings have crept back in, feelings that I know all too well. Its just a blip they said last time, I really hoped it would be. That was two years ago, two years have gone incredibly fast and not because I was having fun. I don’t want my life to be this cycle, I have a panic attack, faint and I’m back to square one all over again. My story of anxiety started in 2011, during my third year of university, actually it was my very first day back.

The day I fainted changed my life, well, maybe not but that was the last straw. Did I have a breakdown? I don’t know but my life has never been the same since. I couldn’t and simply didn’t want to walk out of my front door. From then on, I never felt safe at university. I just wanted to hide away from everything and everyone. Slightly hard when you live 120 miles away from your family.

At that point I genuinely believed it would all be over in a few weeks, go back to the old Katy. I missed her. The old Katy was strong. Even after three years, I still have not seen her again. I always wondered what she would be up to now, whether she would be in a great job, house? Nice car? Or just happy. I will never know and its been a constant struggle not to think about the person I could have been. I fought every day to be her, held on so very tightly at the possibility I would have the life I had planned.

 

So there it is, a tiny snippet of my book….