this-was-a-weird-time-to-cuddle

Growing up I never really thought of myself as queer. In fact, I would’ve considered myself homophobic due to my upbringing. But there’s some instances where now I’m like what the heck. How did I not realize? Better yet how did my family not realize. One time I was at the grocery store and there was this mannequin and my mom found me pulling her shirt up and kissing her stomach. (Super weird I know lmao) and then when I was 13 I made an account on some lesbian dating site and I was just really wanting to find a girl to kiss and cuddle with. Then when I was 15 I kissed my first girl. It was spin the bottle and we were drinking but it was amazing and it’s stuck with me ever since. Then I kissed another girl, same thing. Then when I was around 16/17 I would get drunk and tell all my friends I wanna kiss girls and I even told this one girl that I like kissing girls but just not her lmao. Then I came out…arguably the worst thing I could’ve done to myself. I came out to this one guy who I thought I could trust cause he is gay as well. So months pass and he texts me saying his friend just came out to him and wanted to know if he could give her my number to talk to her. I said sure why not. Anyways, she ends up being my ex boyfriends ex girlfriend. Crazy I know. And so we start talking and I really start to like her and we went on a date and it was crazy and amazing and she kissed me when she took me home (it was great even though it was just a peck) but then I end up freaking out and getting scared so I stop talking to her. I came out to my best friend during the time I was talking to that one girl and she was totally supportive but she was more worried about whether or not she can still talk about boys to me. It sorta hurt cause I was still the same person. I still found guys cute, I just didn’t wanna kiss them. After that one conversation we never spoke about it. Then one day that guy I came out to in the very beginning told people I was a lesbian. My other friend asked my best friend if it was true and my best friend said she didn’t know. Anyways, I ended up crawling back into the closet because I was so mortified. Living in a small town in Alaska where I only knew 2 gay people was so hard. It’s still a daily struggle because I get the urges to tell my family but then it’s hard because I don’t want them to look at me differently. I still live with my parents and I know they would never kick me out but it’s hard. I have no support system because my best friend sorta just shut the idea down and I’m just so alone. I don’t even know what to do. Everyday life passes by like I’m in a glass box, I can see how the world is supposed to be but I’m trapped

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.