this-one-was-difficult

This week has been a difficult one in Lake Words-Be-Gone, my hometown.  

I dropped my daily goal from 2,000 to 1,200 on the nano project because even those 1,200 have been hard.  So hard.   Nano count stands at 34,278 and total project count at 66,281.  If I actually get all those 16,000 missing words added to the project I’d be so happy but I’m getting really worried about that. One day at a time, right?  Last plot chapter close to done, then the epilogue, and everything after that is gonna have to come from revision.

On the side of wonderful, however, I conned more people into reading it and telling me what the hell it needs.  Beta readers are the very nicest people.  I cannot love on them enough.  

Malec fic(s) I’ve read this week and recommend

Bitter Sweet Symphony by Downworldshadow

When young, up-and-coming cellist Alexander Lightwood heads to Aspen, Colorado to attend the prestigious Aspen Music Festival he has no idea what destiny awaits him there.  This is an alternate universe Malec love story full of twists and turns, triumphs and tragedies. Asking one of life’s most difficult questions… does true love really conquer all?

I honestly expected interviewers and shows to have translators or at least tell the members to speak comfortably in Korean and they’d later add subtitles or dubs. Maybe even their pr team could’ve made this happen. I got my hopes up and expected too much from this. I’m getting real tired of the same “English songs?” question. And I’m tired of the fact that all of this is hanging on Namjoon’s shoulders because he’s the one who speaks English better and more comfortably than the other members.

I don’t think people who speak one language understand how difficult it is to translate, on the spot, and perfectly—especially how difficult it must be for Namjoon when Korean and English are so different from each other. I’m not saying he doesn’t know how to or can’t, but it is stressful (as someone who speaks two languages and sometimes has to translate for my family and fails miserably) to just translate on the spot and not feel like you’re doing a shitty job. It really limits what the members can express, but I do love and appreciate that Namjoon is trying really hard to include all the members in interviews, and how the members have learned more so they can communicate but they shouldn’t have to. American artist don’t go to foreign countries and learn the language so they can do their interviews, they’re provided with subs or dubs, or translators, but goodness forbid America extents that hospitality when people visit this country. This could honestly be going a lot better and smoother for them, and I wish some of that pressure was being taken from them because I’m sure the members don’t like that Namjoon is the one who’s always talking, and that’s why they try to help him out and answer questions even if their English isn’t perfect.

BTS Reacting to You Having His Child in Secrecy

Prompt: “BTS reactions to finding out that you, a former gf, secretly had his child? (After he broke up with you because of fan/company/media pressure and he wanted to concentrate on his career.)”

Jin: After discovering that you had his child after the break up, he would immediately feel guilty. He would beat himself up for not being there for you or for his child. He would be hurt that you had the child in secrecy, but he would only really be mad at himself. He would probably go through great lengths to be a part of the child’s life, wanting to take on the role of being a father.

Originally posted by jiminahhh

Suga: Yoongi would probably be mad that you not only neglected to tell him that you were pregnant, but also that you hid his child from him. He would be unsure of what to say other than questioning why you did this. He would spend a lot of time thinking about what his next course of action should be, feeling conflicted because of his future. He’d feel responsible for the child and would want to be a father figure, but wouldn’t know how to approach it.

Originally posted by myloveseokjin

Namjoon: Namjoon would also feel guilty. He would feel guilty for choosing his career over you, for choosing his career over his child. He would be so distraught that you had his this from him and would want to start building a future for the child. He would attempt to balance his job as an idol with being a father so that he would be able to provide for the child while also spending time with them. 

Originally posted by jeonngi

Hoseok: When you told him that you had his kid, he would immediately go quiet. His head would rush with thoughts ranging from the guilt of not being there to wondering why you didn’t tell him, why you’d want to hide this. He’d need time to clear his head, trying to find what would be best for him to do. The obvious answer would be to be there for his child, but he would also wonder about his career. He’d be a mess.

Originally posted by featureless-spy

Taehyung: He would be the most hurt of all of the members, considering how family oriented he is. His brain would immediately go into panic mode and he would spew things out about leaving the group and trying to take on the role of a parent. You would probably have to calm him down so that he could actually take the time to think about it. He would also probably want to see if there was a chance of getting back with you. His priority would become taking care of his child and being an active father figure.

Originally posted by toughchim

Jimin: Jimin would be heart-broken that you felt the need to hide something like this from him. Even after breaking up, he still wanted you to know that he would be a reliable person for you, so when he found out that you had his child and didn’t tell him, he would be devastated. He would need some alone time to think about what needs to be done so he can be a good father while also being financially stable. He would want to provide for the both of you and would try his hardest to be active in your lives.

Originally posted by kookies-for-taehyung

Jungkook: Jungkook would probably go numb. His heart would stop and he wouldn’t have any idea what to think, say, or do. A silence would fall over the both of you and he would most likely start to cry without realizing it. His first response to break the silence would be a quiet, “Why?” He would look to his eldest members for advice on how to handle it and would take a lot of time to think about the necessary steps to take in life, considering the situation.

Originally posted by baebsaes

for my witches spending holidays with possibly unpleasant family members, some spell suggestions~

happy holidays my dears! ♡

Ive waited a long time to say this: I am happy to announce today is my 6 Month HRT anniversary!

I wanted to also share some of my thoughts:

I worry a lot.

I take a look at my professional career and wonder if things will work out, and over a decade of work later I still feel I’ve made no progress and continue to struggle to find any proper “place”.

Even day to day issues can easily be just as overwhelming as larger problems and often get me stopped in my tracks for longer than they should.

And the constant struggle I’ve had to deal with concerning my gender identity has been something that caused me no end of discomfort and heartbreak.

After coming out as trans, I saw so many people who once supported me on the sidelines suddenly abandon and ridicule me. I got, and still get, daily messages of hate. Some more mild, refusing to use proper pronouns because I’m “not a real woman”. Some filled with rage saying I should “kill myself” and refusing to see me as anything other than a freak who should be “dealt with”.

Life is a struggle for everyone, sometimes it gets easier, and sometimes it seems impossible to fix. Often times my experiences have left me with life and my goals feeling more towards “impossible”, with the constant whispers to give up and stop trying ringing in my ears. And these experiences arn’t limited to my struggles towards coming out.

However, those feelings did become more prevalent ever since I came out publicly. My work, less important. My opinions, less valid. My existence, null and void. The world, and my options in life, became smaller and things and opportunities that were “available” to me became completely inaccessible.

So far, 2017 has been one of the most difficult times in my life, which is saying something. But one major good thing happened.

On March 4th, 2017, I took my first steps towards transitioning. Now I’m officially 6 months in on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), and I’m slowly feeling less at odds with myself.

So with this major step forward, I’m going to keep trying, I’ll keep working hard, and I’ll continue to do my best to find my place. Be it professional, in day to day life, with new ventures, or as I continue my journey towards transitioning, I hope I’ll have support from all of you.

Because honestly, without the support of my loving partner, friends, coworkers, fans, and this community that is being slowly built around me, things easily seem impossible.

Types of Divination

I have touched a little bit on divination before in one of previous posts and I believe I did mention that I was going to be doing one of these post, so here you go!

I am not the most educated when it comes to divination, I know what I know and it works, so why should I try anything else? Because growth, girl! Because expansion of the mind! Because it’s damn amazing to know all these witchy things! That’s why!

So upon doing my mystical research, I honestly learnt some really cool forms of divination that I’m annoyed I didn’t know before, so here are the different forms of divination :

  • Tarot Cards - the most common form of divination on this planet (besides crystal balls). You go to a carnival and happen across a fortune teller in a caravan, what has she most likely got on the table in front of her? A crystal ball and tarot cards. The only difference here is that anyone who actually uses tarot cards knows that this is not going to “tell you your future”, it’s simply vague guideline, just some probable insight into the forces at work. When I first started I relied on this handy book that helped me translate every card through the reading, now I only look at it every now and then. Three-card spreads are my favourite! You can literally use them for anything. I personally don’t like just drawing cards, i lay them out and hover my hand over the top moving across the spread out cards and whenever I feel a slight tug I know that’s the card. I go over it a few times just to be sure, but i just don’t like picking random cards, not my style.
  • Nordic Runes - another one I am very familiar with, created by Odin and given to humankind as a gift. (”Oh, they’re lovely, thanks.”). When I first got into the craft I think it was one of the first few things I was taught out of my reading and the symbols and their meanings are fairly well known. I have passed a handful of strangers with runes tattooed on them and when asked about them they actually knew the meanings and details of the runes. Runes are similar to the tarot in the sense that they are a guideline not so much a prediction, also generally used to address issues. Readings are done by putting all the runes in a pouch and drawing, depending on the question, the select number of runes out. My go to number is always three. There are some amazing DIY’s for runes, but the real magic is in the carving of the runes. I really like the way they look when burnt into wooden disks, especially if the bark is still intact in the edges.
  • Celtic Ogham  - this is one I had surprisingly never heard of. Out of all the books I have read on Celtic magic and they failed to inform me of this? What the heck, guys? So, from my understanding, there are 25 letters in the Ogham alphabet; 20 if you wanna be super traditional. They have so many correspondences I will honestly need to learn them all, but now is not the time. It was supposedly created by Ogma, to show off how well spoken he was, or something like that. (I only skimmed the article when it came to this part, sorry guys.) Now the method for using the Celtic Ogham is very similar to runes. The symbols are normally carved onto wooden staves, placed into a pouch and drawn out when seeking the answer to a question. Very cool and I plan to DIY a set of these someday.
  • Tasseomancy - the art of reading tea leaves. This is one I haven’t tried, purely because drinking tea with loose tea leaves just sounds terrible. Basically you need to make your tea with the loose leaves and drink it. You have to leave a little bit of the tea left over to swirl the tea leaves around so that they can form a pattern. Just do it a few times so the leaves aren’t spread out everywhere. You might end up with one big picture or you will end up with a few little ones. In this case go clockwise around the cup. It works kind of like a timeline. Now look at your blobs and try to see the images in the blobs. There are plenty of guides for figuring out what these images mean or you could just go with your gut feeling.
  • Automatic Writing - this method uses the spirit realm to get messages. For this you would need to be in a meditative state, enter with a clear mind or a question or thought and, with a pen and paper in hand, just let the words come to you. You can even write the question or subject on the piece of paper and let the spirits take over. Like with any form of divination, you will need practice. If you have been sitting there for 20 minutes and haven’t gotten anything then maybe take a break and try to clear your mind a bit more. This method is used by loads of mediums for getting answers or just connecting to people who have passed on. I would advise that we take caution when it comes to using this method as it can open doors for spirits, not all of the things you’re opening yourself up to are friendly, so always make sure you are protected and ready for whatever there is to come.
  • Osteomancy - reading bones, being South African I’m fairly familiar with the cultural background of osteomancy. The Sangomas (basically the medicine men) of the villages have been known to use this method of divination. The way it’s done is the bones were placed into a bowl or pouch and mixed with various stones, shells and feathers and shaken out onto a mat. Reading it relies solely on intuition and requires a lot of training to master. Depending on the bone and it’s position on the mat, the way it’s facing, the objects surrounding it. In my opinion this is one of the most difficult forms of divination to master.
  • Scrying - this one is also pretty common and comes in loads of forms (I will need to do a separate post for all the different methods of scrying. There’s fire scrying, water scrying, using a black mirror, etc. There tons of different methods but I’m going to use the example of water scrying. Most people like using reflective surfaces to scry since it is the easiest. Simply clear your mind again or keep the intent in the back of your mind and focus on the water. Follow all the slight ripples until you’re fully connected to the small body of water. You could see images or shapes on the surface or you could see mental images. It’s different with everyone and what the universe is trying to show you.
  • Pendulum Divination - the easiest to make, since you can use your own necklace as a pendulum, this is purely for yes or no questions and is basically a simplified version of a ouija board. Again, take caution when working with spirits. You might think you’re talking to a recently deceased family member or one of your ancestors and it could end up being something else completely and be in a bit of trouble. When using the pendulum some people use sheets for more advanced questions but I would say just using the four directions; left, right, front and back; for answers. Ask some basic questions that you will know the answer to first to see which direction is “yes” and which is “no”. Once you have that down you can ask away.
  • Numerology - using numbers in divination. Numbers hold a lot of magical significance (any witch can tell you that). There are specific numbers that we like to stick to and we stick to it for a reason. Odd numbers are related to a feminine energy, while even numbers are related to masculine energy. Different numbers have different meanings and in order to use this method research should be done on the different meanings of numbers. Play around with numbers in magic. use numerology to find your birth number, name number, fate number, your pinnacle numbers, etc.

These are all the methods of divination I could cover for now. Watch this space for upcoming, in depth tutorials for each of these methods.

Originally posted by my-harry-potter-generation

I have so many Anduin feels

Clearly, if you couldn’t tell, and I wanted to write it down otherwise I feel like I might explode from emotions. This entire cinematic was beyond beautiful. Blizzard really went above and beyond in the artistic department - everything looked so damn -real-, which took my breath away. But the main thing that really struck with me is the fact that you can clearly see Anduin’s personality in this moment. So please excuse me, but there’s a lot of pics and a long opinion below the cut.


When we first see him, he’s got the lion helmet on, looking all badass. Even after he’s knocked off his feet, he gets back up and proceeds to go after the troll who tries to kill him, granting us this amazing image -

Looks like he’s channeling Varian to me. He’s standing all, big and trying to be imposing. And almost immediately after, they focus on his face, going from this -

- to this -

Look at him. Look at that face. This isn’t a life-long trained/skilled warrior. This isn’t a battle-hardened paladin who’s fought for years and years. This is a child, a teenager (WoWpedia says seventeen, and we all know how Blizzard is with lore, but it does sound about right), who has been shielded from the harshness of actual war for most of his life. War is brutal; war is dirty and cruel and this world has seen it constantly. And I don’t know how much time will have passed from Legion to this expansion, but regardless.

He looks so sad, almost out of place and worried, and just…-scared-. Like the sudden realization of what he’s in the middle of, of what he’s leading here - not Genn, not his father, him. He’s the one who’s leading the armies of the Alliance, thousands of soldiers against an army equally as powerful. Stormwind and the Alliance could fall in this moment and it would be his fault. And I think it all comes at him at once. This is what his father was talking about, it’s what he was trying to protect him from.

But this is Anduin we’re talking about. This isn’t a warmongering character, we all know how much he would prefer to solve things peacefully, and (I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Blizzard doesn’t totally and completely butcher his character of course) it must have been something to drive him to this point. Look - His mother died when he was a baby, his father was gone most of his life and was only around for a few precious years before he was killed, his ‘aunt’ Jaina has been MIA until lately and Velen is who knows where. I’m hoping we’ll get an answer to that between then and now, but my point is this - Anduin, High King of the Alliance, leader that everyone looks to for guidance and support, really doesn’t have a support system himself. He doesn’t have anyone he can really depend on. The only one who’s been shown to constantly be around is Genn, and whether for good or ill, I suppose it’s something, but it’s not enough. He’s probably been struggling to keep things together for a while. I doubt he’s been eating or sleeping much.

And what does he do, surrounded by death and destruction of hundreds of lives? We see that looks around the battlefield in a moment of calm and is clearly distressed by it. 


It’s in this moment that I think he really shines, no pun intended. We know what his father would do in this situation, we know what other characters would do. But Anduin is different, it’s what makes him so special in this game. He looks at his father’s sword, a sword of legend no less - 

You can see the confusion, the uncertainty, the self-doubt even now. Shalamayne responded to him yes, but you can absolutely see him still coming to terms with it. He still feels like he isn’t worthy of it.  
“I cannot do this father. I can’t be the hero you were. I can’t be the king you were…”

And no, he isn’t. That’s what I love him. He’s his own man, finally able to step up and make his own imprint on history. Because of that, I think it’s important to note the imagery of him throwing the sword back down - 


Something about this really strikes me not only as beautiful but incredibly moving as well. There is some very deep in this shot. He’s beginning to accept the fact that no, he isn’t his father. No, he isn’t a warrior. That isn’t his path. What does he do instead, then, when surrounded by injured and dying soldiers? Do what he does best, of course - 

Heal. Resurrect. Anduin has had an affinity with the Light that few have had before, especially humans. We know this and it’s really beautiful to finally see it in such a wonderful cinematic. I think it’s really touching that if you look closely you can even see tears in his eyes -

We know from lore that Anduin has resurrected his father before, which is something that happens so rarely in canon. Casting such a spell for one person would be difficult enough, but an entire army? That’s practically impossible. We also know that for a character to channel such a spell for a long period of time takes a lot of stamina and strength. It’s exhausting. But he doesn’t give up. He doesn’t stop to take a breather. He stands tall with the rejuvenated army surrounding him once more.

“Stand as one!”

Which just hearkens back to previous cinematics, I think. 

“What am I supposed to do now?”
“What a king -must- do.”


“For the Alliance!”

What I find most interesting is that he doesn’t say ‘For Azeroth!’ like his father in the previous expansion, he says Alliance. Which makes me wonder just what has happened to cause all of this. 

The point of all this rambling is this - Anduin Llane Wrynn has been underestimated both by other characters as well as players for too long. Many people call him names for wanting to find a peaceful way to solve problems and for some reason that’s a bad thing? I don’t understand it, but I’m so happy and proud to see him standing alongside us on the battlefield. This boy does not get enough credit and I’m glad they finally have let him do something amazing. He is much stronger than I think even he realizes, and I would love it if people would finally give him the love and recognition he deserves. 

Anduin is too good for this world and we don’t deserve him.

Like the orange soul this is my own personal head-canon, don’t take it as canon.

I think the Kindness kid might have been the only other human who fell down that came close to befriending all the monsters he met, and besides Justice, was the only one to make it to Asgore. But unlike Justice who fought Asgore and lost, the Kindness soul offered the king his soul willingly after seeing how hopeless all the monsters are on his journey. He left his pan and apron behind and asked the guard to take him to the castle.

this one was especially difficult on the old king afterwards…

✨glamour spells by orriculum

last updated 10/4/2017

Spin Level, How Does It Work?

Hi guys, it’s been a long while but I’m finally back with the next part of this explanation series. This time, by popular demand and fueled by my own guilt from seriously neglecting spins in my tech posts so far, I’m going to talk about spin levels.

I have to fully disclose, up front, that this is a topic I hate with a vengeance. For reasons that will hopefully become clear to you through this post, them levels make my head spin (no pun intended), my stomach churn, and my eyes water. 

Before I start, I’d like to offer my thank to @fuckyeahdearlybeloved who provided a lot of helpful advice on decoding the ISU cipher on spins (seriously guys, next time you’re in the mood for a mind-twisting mystery novel, try reading that section of the technical handbook instead), plus plenty of moral support in the form of snarky comment about my masochist tendency. If you guys have more questions about spins I’d like to wholeheartedly recommend her ask box (which may or may not be cleared by the year 2092).  

Well, here goes nothing.

Now, spin levels range from B (no level) to 1 - 2 - 3 - 4. The building blocks of spin levels are the level features and that’s what we will be focusing on today. 1 feature = 1 level, so in order for a spin to achieve level 4, it must include at least 4 valid features. The ISU lists a total of 11 features any spin can have and an additional 2 specially for layback spins.

We will look at each of these features in detail.

Feature 1: Difficult variations

The ISU defines difficult spin variation as a movement which requires additional physical strength and flexibility, and has a material effect on the skater’s balance. If you recall from my previous post on spin explanation, there are 11 categories of these variations. 

Three for camel spin

Three for sit spin.

Three for upright spin.

The layback spin is in a category of its own (aptly named the upright layback), and all non-basic positions are grouped into the final category.

You’ll need to remember all of these categories while attempting to figure out spin levels, because each of these variations, when performed in 2 revolutions or more, will count as one level for the spin in which it’s included. However, throughout the whole program (short and long), each category can only be counted once. Say a skater has performed the half-Biellmann (that one Janny did in the first gif) in one spin, if they later perform the same variation, or any other difficult variation belonging to the same camel forward category, it will not increase the level of the second spin. On the other hand, if the skater performs any additional feature on top of the difficult variation (mainly applicable to feature 6, 9, and 10, which we will get to in a bit), that one can be credited for additional levels. 

Aside from feature 1, the rest of the features count strictly once per program. See, that is why I said these spin levels are icky. To determine the level for a step sequence or number of rotations for a jump, you only need to focus on that one element alone, however for spins you have to remember and discard those features that have been used in previous spins while counting the level for the current one. It’s like a convoluted game of bridge (I hate that card game too).

Keep reading

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway (Bill Skarsgard X Reader)

Requested: Hello!! :) hope you’re having a great day! I was wondering if you could make an imagine where you are watching ‘IT’ for the first time with Bill but you hate clowns. Kept up the good work!

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1665

A/N: Thanks for requesting hopefully this is what you wanted - I know it is a bit different, but I really enjoyed writing this!

Originally posted by eternalmikaelson

All her life, Y/N saw herself as a coward. She was a coward during the first grade spelling bee, during every exam or test, during her first date, during college tours, during everything. During every somewhat challenging situation her heart would begin to race, her hands would become clammy, and her mouth would become ickily dry. No matter how much she recited ‘this too shall pass’ to herself, the mantra never seemed to stick.

A few years back, Y/N decided to make peace with her cowardice and therefore come to terms that she was just destined to lead a boring, dull life. No airplanes (it could crash!), no public-speaking (what would everyone think of her?!), no walking atop the space needle (heights!). Which was fine. It was fine with her.

This epiphany (as it was just her luck) took place a year before Bill entered her life. A daring and fearless character, hell, the man was a regular Nik Wallenda. While she spent her days alone answering phones in a cubicle, he was out pursing his dream in one of the most difficult industries out there. If she ever asked him about it, she knew he’d laugh. He’d clutch his stomach and laugh aloud and say, “Yes how courageous of me to go to forty auditions a week and get none of them”. She wouldn’t reply, but in her head she would think, that is exactly my point.

Her cowardice was even the root of most of their arguments. Even though the majority of their disagreements dealt with silly things like forgetting to buy Bill’s peach smelling soap or printer ink, some, however, were very much real. Those debates could be so loud it rattled the ceiling above them and quaked the floor beneath them.

When Bill got the role of Pennywise the argument they had was earth shattering.

“I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU’RE TELLING ME NOT TO TAKE THIS! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR MY ENTIRE CAREER!” Bill yelled, he was blue in the face already from screaming and he had stretched to his full height of 6’4. He was still dressed in his plaid yellow pajama pants and an old t-shirt from Y/N’s cousin’s wedding (‘Laura and Tom Forever’ was hardly visible now that he had worn it and washed it countless times). He reached over Y/N’s shoulder and roughly poured coffee into his mug. The hot coffee splashed all over the floor, burning the tips of Y/N’s toes.

“I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT, BILL!” Y/N countered, ignoring the dull pain in her toes. “I’M SAYING THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINK TWICE ABOUT HOW GREAT THIS IS! HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK WE’LL SEE EACH OTHER ONCE FILMING STARTS HM? ONCE A WEEK? THAT - IS - NOT - GOOD - ENOUGH!” The thing about Y/N (and most cowards for that matter) was that she could never let an argument go. Once she started she was like a ball rolling down a hill. She couldn’t ever walk away for fear of what might happen if she did; would he walk away too?

“I THINK WE’LL WORK IT OUT! HONESTLY YOU’RE JUST BEING SELFISH AS ALWAYS!” Bill screeched back, but as he used his arms to gesture the rest of the coffee in the mug spilt onto the floor. Y/N jumped and retreated but, if she were to be honest, she wasn’t quite sure if it was because of the coffee or because of the vile in Bill’s words. Selfish as always, he had said. Though they had made up eventually, after cleaning the coffee and apologizing to one another profusely, she couldn’t get those words out of the back of her mind. Like a ghost they followed her, when Bill came home for the first time since filming started, Selfish as always, when she met the cast of the Loser’s Club, Selfish as always, when Y/N went to set to see Bill, Selfish as always. Perhaps it was in the nature of the cowards, to be selfish, always fearing the ultimate thing as they watched their own backs.

So Y/N tried to make peace with that development too.

“Hey honey,” Bill murmured as he leant down to peck Y/N’s buttery lips. She had just gotten off the plane, her pillow still hanging around her neck and headphones spilling from her ears, she lugged a heavy carry on bag. “Let me get that for you,” Bill said, still just as quiet as he attempted to grab the handle of the case but Y/N immediately used her right hand to pull it away from his helpful grasp.

“I got it babe,” Y/N replied, rubbing her boyfriend’s shoulder comfortingly with her free hand. He looked at her, eyebrows furrowed, lips apart for only a moment, before shaking it off and telling her all about his day (“I told you about how I was nervous for that scene but Andy said to just…”). Y/N listened carefully, trying to hang onto every word to ask him about later. As Bill spoke on and on and on, Y/N nodded, laughed, smiled at what she hoped were all appropriate times. She dragged her suitcase along the cold floor of the airport, finally reaching the sliding glass entrance doors which revealed a cloudy scene. There were plenty of places she would’ve rather been then cloudy and rainy Vancouver (take for example sunny California), but Bill had wanted her here to experience the full screening of IT with the rest of the cast and crew. Therefore here she was.

Once they reached Bill’s car, Bill, helpful bugger that he was, took Y/N’s suitcase, opened the car door for her, and buckled her seatbelt. Selfish as al-. She stopped herself from thinking the rest, breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out. She had been concentrating so much so on her breathing that, before she could realize it, she was sitting in front of a big blank movie screen in a small, freezing theater. She could slightly remember going to bed the night before, being pulled by the waist into Bill’s long and strong arms. She could slightly remember getting dressed this morning, being prepped on what she could and could not reveal to the public about the movie (like she’d be able to talk to any sort of media).

As the introduction music played and the screen blinked to life, Bill wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him like he had done last night. He looked at her, smile wider than Y/N had ever seen before and whispered in her ear (as to not to disturb anyone else in the theater), “Are you excited?” Y/N quickly nodded back, smiling just as wide (but not nearly as genuine), before motioning for him to hush.

As the movie rolled on, the happiness from the cast and crew was palpable, which was ironic considering the dark subject of the film. Bill kept on leaning in to whisper things in her ear and nudge her to let her know to pay attention at certain bits. Y/N was so proud of him. It was truly beautiful to know how talented the person one loves is, but as the scenes played on she couldn’t help herself but tear a bit. She was not necessarily afraid of the movie. Pennywise, for all intents and purposes was her boyfriend, she had seen him in and out of costume a number of times. Regardless, by the time Bill was on screen climbing out from a refrigerator, Y/N couldn’t help but silently sob. Wet, full, heavy tears rolled down her cheeks and pooled into her lap. Selfish as always, Y/N remembered as she rubbed her nose with the back of her sweater, creating a pitiful sniffle that alerted Bill to look at her.

“Y/N, ar-are you crying?” Bill asked, reaching up to touch her cheek with pads of his fingertips. She looked away from him, causing his arm to fall from her face. “Y/N?” He repeated, and she could feel his looming figure ghost over her shoulder. She took a shaky breath in, letting it rattle her rib cage, before grabbing her coat and leaving the small cinema entirely. She pushed her way out of the double doors, and covered her face with her hands, as tears after tears pour from her ducts.

“Y/N! Y/N WHAT THE HELL!” She could hear her boyfriend shout from in the theater, but she ignored it. She simply leant against the wall and sank. Sank to the floor.

“Y/N WHAT - WHAT - oh.” He stopped as he saw her state. Sunken. “What happened? What - is- is it movie?” He didn’t crouch on his knees to comfort her like she had expected him to, rather he just stood aloof.

She wiped tears from her soft cheek and laughed sardonically. “No n-.”

“Then what is it? Why are you -?” Bill asked, Y/N could sense the strain and panic rising in his voice. He waited for a few moments shuffling back and forth on his heels awkwardly as he awaited a response.

“BECAUSE!” She finally yelled, cutting the tension, causing more wet hot drops to squeeze out. “I’m TRYING NOT to be ‘selfish as always’ and I’m TRYING to brave, because I can see how much you love this but - but..” She trailed off, to have the things she have been thinking about over the course of the last year finally vocalize was a relief but she couldn’t help but to stop once she saw Bill crestfallen.

“But what?” Bill whimpered so quietly Y/N wasn’t sure she had actually heard it.

“But I can’t.” She said, pushing herself off the wall and standing up. Tears still streamed down her face and she could tell that her eyes were red and puffy, but she got up anyhow and left.