anonymous asked:

Does it really get better?

I’m going to openly tell a story that only a few people have known at this point…one that I think might help some others going through rough times.

I’ve published before, as some older followers may remember, that I have schizophrenia and psychosis. It’s not something I’m proud of or disgraced by, it’s just…a fact of life. I’ve learned to cope with it and I’m glad, but before I learned how to survive and be happy with it I…suffered pretty badly from my illnesses.

When I was rather young I started hearing voices in my head, voices that told me to do things I never would’ve considered doing. I was terrified and thought that, in order to stop these things from coming true, I had to…well, I had to die. I thought that I’d have to die before my eighteenth birthday or else all the bad thoughts would come true.

I became horribly depressed. I stopped being happy, stopped really living my life. Every move I made, every time I did anything, I thought it’d only result in other people suffering in the long run. I didn’t want to go out or do anything, and I didn’t really have any friends.

Years went by where I lived like this. I didn’t go out, have friends really besides a handful that I kept my distance from, and I just…was not doing anything save existing. If I died soon, after all, it’d prevent so much hardship. 

I did attempt a few times, but never was able to finish the act. I don’t really know why I didn’t, but now I think I know…I still held onto rational thought and hope. Hope that it would get better.

And you know what? It did. I came out to my family about my struggle and they got me help. Now I’m doing phenomenally better than I was years ago. I have a job, I have some amazing friends, and I’m living, not just existing. 

I promise you, it does get better. Please hold onto hope. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don’t know yet how to escape. The best advice I can give? Know you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there who can extend a hand and help you through the bad times, and if it has to be me, just let me know. I’m ready now to pass on the torch and help others find their hope again.

Yesterday I discovered that:

  1. there exists abranch of literature philology (? of sorts) focusing solely on Dostoyevsky and it’s called Dostoyevsky studies.
  2. they publish The Journal of the International Dostoevsky Studies which you can read online.

And you can read, learn and observe so many fascinating things which could otherwise be closed from your view.