this-is-really-hard-for-me-to-post

I wrote this directly after I left my first Harry Styles concert. My emotions were more elevated, and now that I’ve had some time to sit and reflect, I feel a little less raw. Keep that in mind.

I definitely got carried away, just needed to type it out, I guess. It seems a bit mad, and I’m slightly hesitant to post, but maybe someone else can resonate and understand.

Music does fucking weird things to you, man.

Warning: it’s pretty aggressive in terms of “I miss this fucking boyband so much, I cry about it,” but you all know.

It’s not just a boyband.

You get it.


I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th.

Several people have asked me for an update.

First disclaimer: this is less of a concert play-by-play and more of a word vomit. About One Direction. About Harry. About the hiatus, the crazy shit it’s made me feel over the past two years, the future. All a bunch of nonsense - or maybe not - thoughts.

Honesty hour ensues.


Let me preface this by saying I’m grateful. So beyond grateful for all my experiences. I won’t take advantage of that. I never have. Never will.


One Direction holds an interesting pull over millions of people. Me included. I fell in love with them on a whim - it wasn’t intentional. I don’t understand it. I can’t make sense of it. I can’t explain to others why I’m so invested. But at this point, I don’t bother with an explanation. I love to love them.

“One Direction is broken up. You still listen to them?” The amount of times I’ve heard this. I’m homesick for people who don’t know I exist. Moderately crazy, but shows the extent of the soul this band put into their music and performances and relationships with each other. And us. I feel tied to it.

Is any other fandom like this? I don’t know. Nor will I ever know.


Anyone who knows me knows I’ve had a very difficult time with the whole “solo” endeavor. One Direction is the biggest and most important part of my early 20’s, and for it to stop so abruptly and without any closure has taken an embarrassing toll on me. My best friend and I have become sickeningly close during our travels - we’ve experienced seven shows together, one of which was out the country - and to me, One Direction concerts became a place to make some of our deepest memories that no one else can replicate, or understand. I met friends - my Rita - through this band. I met you guys. It’s been two years of wondering and waiting if and when they would make a return into our lives, and then. Instead. We got solo Harry. Full force.

I understand the point of the break. I get it. Overworked. Shit management. I’ve exhausted the topic in my own mind, and with others. Doesn’t mean I’m jumping for joy over it. I’m a 1d stan at heart; I support them as individuals, but when it comes down to it, my loyalties lie with the band.

I’ll be candid and real, which I’m often not on this blog. I initially jumped on the “1d went on hiatus because of Harry” bandwagon. My original logic: he said he was the one who initiated it. He was the one who had solid plans. Louis said he fought it. Niall said he wasn’t ready for it. And after closely paying attention to hundreds of interviews since 2015, Harry has clearly showed his gratitude toward the band - don’t get me wrong - but he’s the only one who hasn’t talked about a return date. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to give false hope. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know and doesn’t want anyone to read too much into his words. Maybe he’s moved on. Whatever the case, I shied away from his career at the beginning and couldn’t get excited like everyone else seemed to be. It hurt my heart to see him so happy and thriving away from the pieces that helped him with his start, his life. Honestly, I know I would have felt hesitant about whoever happened to go fully solo first (Zayn doesn’t count - that’s a very different situation). Sure, Niall and Louis had singles out last year, but it’s not the same as embracing a new album, a new identity. It just so happened to be Harry first.

Second disclaimer: I hate that the band isn’t together, but I could never hate any direct member for that. Ever. No one is specifically responsible. And I know that.

My vision is clouded. Selfishly, I didn’t want Harry (or any of them, really) to fall out of love with the past because I wasn’t ready to fall out of love with it. It’s brought me so much joy and love and laughter and experiences. It feels like I’m begging please don’t move on without me. I’ve found a major piece of myself because of this band, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I now feel a little lost. Being 25 is weird enough in itself, in terms of career and relationships and generally just being, and now take away the part that gave me stability and my independence, and I’m just. Wandering. Waiting for something to happen to make me feel as happy as One Direction did.

Reading that back sounds ridiculous. But I’m not the only one here.

I know what this looks like, what it sounds like. I know how skewed my perspective is. I’m doing my best to fix it.


I have Harry’s album memorized. I love a few songs, like a few, dislike a few. I guess that goes for every album. His style has changed from what we’re used to, as has some of his lyrics, but the quirkiness is still the same. The heart is still there. I knew it would be.

I was overwhelmed walking into the show. It’s been over two years since I’ve seen a member of 1d on stage in front of me. I had high expectations - expectations for his performance, expectations about how I wanted to feel once it was over. The venue was beautiful. It was the perfect place to listen to this album live for the first time. Echoey and full of charm and personality. Crystals. Velvet couches in the box seating area. Marbles floors and winding staircases. Pink hues across the stage. Simple, effective lighting. Harry. All Harry. No more crowds by the thousands, no more booming music, no more larger than life stage. Somehow, I felt more anxious.

He did not disappoint. But then again, I didn’t expect him to. For the past three years, he’s always done the best job at captivating my attention whilst performing. Nothing has changed in that sense.

It felt like the final nail in the coffin for 1d, kind of. My friend’s words. It’s too hard to imagine him doing this and then going back to a place where he doesn’t get to 100% put his whole self into what he’s doing, and has to share and compromise on ideas. I understand that. It would be counterproductive to work backwards. It wouldn’t be impossible, but it would definitely feel less organic.

Not just for Harry. For all of them.

Doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith, though.

“It’s been two years since we’ve last seen each other,” he said, “and in those two years, I missed you so much.”

I cried from the moment I sat down until I got back to my hotel room.

I like to be overwhelmed by music. But not like this.

I think part of it is because this was only the fourth night of his tour. It’s still brand new. I’m still not well acquainted with it. New territory, uncharted. I sound so ugly for being so conflicted about solo endeavors, especially when I know there were people who won’t get the chance to see him and I did. I’m grateful, I promise. I’m working meticulously to sort my brain from my heart.

I’m seeing Niall in a few weeks. God help me if I feel this royally fucked over from him, too.


Harry has not left behind his roots. That much was clear. I don’t think I was ever really worried about that part, because he’s pure and kind and appreciates everything in his life for what it is. He would never speak an ill word about 1d. Ever. I don’t think he has any ill words. I sobbed when he performed WMYB. I loathe that song. It felt like a small piece of home, anyway, him using their start as a part of his start. He looked gorgeous. He sounded like a dream. He doesn’t have as much room to prance, but he made do. No catwalk, no problem. I missed his voice. His speaking voice, preaching to the crowds about love and bravery. His terrible jokes. His gratitude. Christ, it felt so good to have him in front of me again.

Kiwi was exceptional. The crowd went off. SOTT was overbearing in a beautiful way. Hearing everyone scream “woman!” all at once was a Goddamn experience. The room was deafening for the entire show.

It wasn’t the same. I didn’t expect it to be, but I wanted it to be.

My friend kept saying, “One Direction is so dead and I couldn’t care less.” I care. I hate the division amongst the fans, amongst the media. “Pick a team.” I don’t want to. Right now, my friend loves Harry more than One Direction as a whole, so she doesn’t understand. I’m not going to try to make her. The crowd chanted “Harry” during the encore, and my heart hurt in the strangest way. I told Rita about it. “Ugh. Just Harry.” I knew she’d understand. She almost always does.

I love Harry Styles. With my entire heart. He was happy on that stage. Even while I stood in the back with my face in my hands, I could see that. I’m happy he’s happy. I love nothing more than a happy Harry. The world is a better place when he’s smiling.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel unsettled.

It’s out of my control. Accept the good that comes along with changes. Something I’m learning. Something I’m sure all five original members of One Direction are also learning.


I’m seeing him again on Saturday, in Boston. I’m hoping the initial shock will be mostly worn off and now that I know what solo 1d feels like, I’ll feel more ready for it. More ready for his sequined suit, his smile, his note changes, his band that isn’t the one we’re all used to, the harmonies that bleed together as if it was fate, the lack of three other boys who I miss terribly.

Maybe he misses them as much as I do.


I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th. He was stunning. He moved me to tears. He ran with a rainbow flag, made us scream about pizza, looked beautiful in the neon pink lights. It wasn’t One Direction. It wasn’t better. It wasn’t worse. It was just different. And that’s what I’ll keep telling myself. Embrace being different. It’s what Harry does, after all.


I’m profound in the art of making five days worth of clothing fit into one carry on bag. I can memorize new albums in 48 hours if I have the right determination. I’m able to meticulously plan trips to new cities and venues like it’s nobody’s business. I’ve yet to master the ability, however, of separating love and music.

But I guess those are technically the same thing, anyway.


Thank you for a beautiful show, Styles. Thank you for allowing us into your life, for staying true. I’ve missed you, as a whole, as an individual. I’ll see you on Saturday.


Stay tuned for a second update this weekend. I’m sure it will be much different. I’ll be sure to post some photos, as there will “mainly be prancing.” And what a shame it would be to miss that.

xx Shelly

This is something that is really hard for me to post. I’ve been a skinny girl for most of my teen years. I never really worked out back then or payed too much attention to what I was eating, I just tried to eat generally healthy. & I was very skinny. I still had body insecurities, but I never really saw myself getting “fat”.

Around the time I graduated I started to put on a little bit of weight. This is what I look like currently. My biggest insecurity is definitely my tummy and just my mid section. I always worked really hard to be confident in my body, even when I was skinny. I got to a place where I could genuinely love my body and everything about myself. & to lose that confidence when I gained weight just shook me. I had worked so hard to falter as soon as I gained weight.

I’ve spent the last couple months trying to hide my body, but clothes that make me “look good” and conceal my tummy. I’ve gotten rude comments from family members and friends about my weight gain. Because apparently gaining some weight is the worst thing you can do ever. I started working out because I felt so insecure. I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons.

I can’t say that I’m completely confident with my body yet but I decided now is the time the start that journey. My mental health is just important as my physical health. I want to be the body positive person that I constantly preach to people. I talk about fat positivity all the time but I don’t follow anything that I say in my everyday life. So I want that to change right here and now. I want to feel beautiful again. I know this is a sappy emotional ass caption but I’ve really been struggling with this for months and I wanted to share it with everyone on my blog and just be honest and raw about it. No, I don’t feel totally okay with myself yet but I’m going to try. And the first step for me is to wear a crop top and post a selfie for 8000 people to see on tbecause fuck it. You don’t need to have a flat stomach to wear a crop top!

As a person who has a mental illness and family members who have one as well, the IDONTMIND campaign and what Chris and Melissa are doing really makes me feel like I’m not alone. Actually, two years ago I was struggling with whether or not if I should go get help when I saw that Chris worked with MHA and NAMI (both things a family member was a part of) it helped me decide that I really did need to get help. Without the help I got over the past two years I don’t think I would be here today. So I’m so glad that two actors I’m a fan of are trying to raise awareness. Let’s stop the stigma. 

How I lost it!

So I know a lot of you have sent me messages asking how I lost the weight… and I’ve been terrible at replying. And I am so sorry! Honestly it’s been really hard for me to be consistent in posting, yet alone answering messages. But I really want make an effort to start blogging on a weekly basis, maybe even more. Anyways so here’s a little bit of my journey… I hope it helps. And please feel free to ask me detailed questions, I really do want to help motivate in any way I can!

I’ll start off with one of my favorite quotes.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

You have to want it bad enough to bare the pain of change. Because you WILL go through changes, and it will be painful. But worth it? Without a doubt.

Sticking with it… I wish I could give you an easy answer, but for me… I suppose I couldn’t take living in my own body anymore. It wasn’t a question of how do I stick with this… it was a question of… can I really continue to live in this body? Overweight… unhappy… underlining depression constantly seeping into the back of my mind. I have no words for some of the things I went through over the past ten years… struggling with my weight and health… emotionally tore me apart, which led to binge eating… yoyo dieting, abusing diet pills, and hating myself even more when I failed. I blamed everyone around me for years, when really the choice was in my hands the whole time.

So where do you start?

First you have to prepare your mind. Prepare yourself emotionally. Especially if food has been an emotion outlet for you.

I’ve tried every diet under the sun… Atkins, south beach, paleo, low fat, low carb, low calorie, juicing, cleanses, diet pills, etc. All showed results, but not all kept the weight off. My favorite would be the juicing/clean eating.  I honestly feel so much better, and only take a multi vitamin every day. vs taking super harsh diet pills and crash diets. But to be 10000% honest, in the beginning of my weight loss journey, this whole juicing and clean eating thing probably wouldn’t have cut it. I needed something to get me off my ass and diet pills did just that. I had low energy all the time and I needed something fast and strong, or so I thought.

I think it’s all about your mindset, and overall goals. I wanted weight loss quick stat, so I was willing to take things or do things that may not have been so great on my body. Now that I’ve been doing this for a while, my mindset and outlook on dieting is completely different. I’ve been on all sides of the fence. Literally at one point, I was eating fast food every single day. heck I was working at in n out burger, but besides that… I was still driving thru places. Along with that I struggled with binge eating… especially in the evening… 12 at night… sometimes even later. I was definitely a “feelings eater”. At one point I ate super terrible and laxatives to get rid of it- that was painful to say the least… if you know what I mean. I’ve abused diet pill, dieter’s tea, laxatives, cleansing pills, etc. Not for long periods of time, but I can honestly say over the years I’ve tried everything I could get my hands on.

 

Now for the PLAN!!

      1. CLEANSE your body of all the junk!!!

If you’re at the very beginning of your diet, I HIGHLY recommend a cleanse. Its not absolutely necessary, but I feel like it made a difference for me. It will get all the crap out of your system and kind of reset everything. You can buy a cleanse pack at gnc, walgreens, walmart, pretty much anywhere. I ALWAYS started my diets with a cleanse. I’d say that the 7 day one is ideal. 14 is too long, and anything shorter and your guna find yourself on the toilet alot. lol just your preference though.

     2. Pooping is important!!! (lol)

If you don’t have a bowel movement (poop) daily… this may be slowing down your weight loss efforts. There are a multitude of thing you can use such as fiber supplements, Mira lax, etc. Drinking tons of water is key essential.

There’s also the enema bag… that you can get on amazon… or a health food store. I recommend this but with caution. I first heard about this through a nutritionist actually. Having a healthy bowel movement is essential to for dieting and good health in general. I hear it daily while working in a health clinic.

So anyways the nutritionist recommended the enema bag. It’s a bit odd at first, and if you don’t have issues going to the bathroom regularly… then this is NOT for you. You can simply stick to a 7 day cleanse or purchase an over the counter fiber supplement and your golden!

      3. Diet Pills

I want to touch on the diet pill topic again. Let me clarify… that I’m not “against” diet pills per say… I just think that they should be used only as directed. Which let’s be honest… that is rare. If you are dieting, and doing some form of exercise, drinking tons of water, and not eating crap… then yes, diet pills can give you quicker results. No doubt. But… just beware… your body can build a tolerance to the caffeine intake and then become reliant on it. I speak from experience. Also, they are super harsh on your liver. I know all supplements have risks. But if you’re at the very beginning of your weight loss challenge… and looking for something to get you through the first couple weeks… diet pills might be right for you. Also of note- if you have a low caffeine tolerance… you may want to try the non-stimulant option.

At some point I’ll write a review on each one diet pill I’ve tried. But for now I can say my favorite would be lipo 6 black ultra-concentrated or performix SST. They are strong and definitely cut my appetite/gave me tons of energy. I didn’t take them on the weekends just to have a break in between… but I can tell you I noticed the decrease in energy on those days without them.

       4. FOOOOOOD

Like I mentioned earlier… I’ve abused diet pill, dieter’s tea, laxatives, cleansing pills, etc. Not for long periods of time, but I can honestly say over the years I’ve tried everything I could get my hands on.

By far the best thing I’ve found… is clean eating/working out/getting a good amount of sleep/drinking TONS of water. Can it really be that simple? I honestly never believed it. I would see all the pictures on Pinterest or Instagram… “Just eat healthy & workout”. I thought to myself ‘ya right, I want quick results. I want results NOW. Well here I am… 4 years later, having tried more diets than I can count… and which one am I preaching about? ha

Anyways so about Juice… contrary to popular belief… it’s actually not super expensive. If you’re smart. Honestly I spend less money than I used to on groceries.

        5. Juicing!

Here’s what you do… buy a juicer on amazon or craigslist… 50$. Or whatever you’re willing to spend. Then hit up a couple grocery stores in your area… and find out which ones are the cheapest when it comes to produce. I’ve found grocery outlet, food maxx and winco are the cheapest in my town. Carrots are ridiculously cheap. Like 2$ for a 5 pound bag. Apples can be decently cheap too if you get the big red ones in bulk. Basically just look around, and be smart. My typically grocery list includes the following:

Red apples, green apples, oranges, carrots, lemon, kale, beets, grapefruit, cabbage, cucumber, broccoli, pears, ginger, hummus, eggs, turkey, low fat Greek yogurt, sugar free almond milk, low carb organic bread(trader joes), avocado, tomatoes, peppers, lettuce, almonds, nuts, chicken breast (lean), organic brown rice, bananas, dried fruits, quest bars, Lara bars, organic oats, stevia.

I spend about 140$ on groceries a month. At least since I’ve been juicing. I go twice a month and spend 70$ each time. Not planned, just always come out to 70$ give or take a lil.

So pretty much I juice twice a day. Once with breakfast, and once for dinner.

Breakfast is typically a piece of toast with avocado, (usually my heavy carbs are only with breakfast. I stay away from carbs towards the evening) or eggs with tons of veggies mixed in.

Bread is a HUGE weakness of mine… so I’ve tried to find the best way to sneak it into my diet. Lol which is only in the morning or early afternoons, and I buy the best bread I can possibly find… which is at trader Joes. I get either the gluten free, or the low carb flax seed.

Lunch can be a salad, chicken, veggies, cottage cheese, eggs, etc. Portion size is important. If I’m hungry before or after lunch I’ll have a few almonds (favored ones are good too if you don’t really like almonds) or some banana chips, an apple, celery w/peanut butter. Small but does the trick!

        

6. The make or break meal:

Dinner… now this one is important for your weight loss goal so make note!

I don’t eat dinner past 5 PM. Especially carbs. I try to have the least amount of carbs in my dinner. Some days if I’ve hit a plateau.. I won’t have cards after 3-4 PM.

So for meal ideals… I keep it simple… salads… fried veggies (a drop of grape seed oil is all you need) with some salt and pepper, chicken or turkey breast, or I’ll replace dinner with a healthy juice all together. A low carb protein shake is good too. If you’re still hungry, some vegetables would do the trick!

I know that doesn’t sound too fun… But I can’t tell you enough… Dinner is the make or break meal.

The first week or so you may find that adjusting your dinner time is too difficult… so try having dinner a few hours earlier… and slowly make your way to 5 PM. I often went to bed hungry towards the beginning, then my stomach got used to the adjustment.

Drink lots and lots and lots of WATER! One full glass with each meal and snack. One as soon as you make up and one after dinner.

Another note,

ORGANIC EVERYTHING! Yes it’s a bit pricier… and it’s not a must… but if you have the $$ to spend… I’d say it’s worth the extra money.

Basically I like to mix it up. Be creative, yet cheap. It’s possible. I support myself, so I get it… I get the bills, I get the whole “not enough money to diet” but if you want something bad enough… you’ll find a way. If you aren’t a fan of the juicing idea… then just stick to eating the whole fruits and veggies. If you’re going to take this route… I would stick to the fruits towards the morning, and more veggies towards the evening. And again, do your breads… if you’re going to have any… in the morning.

 

7. To dairy or not to dairy…

Cutting out dairy in general… can make a hugggge difference. I cut out cheese, milk and cream cheese for a while and lost weight doing that alone. I love love love cheese in any form.. So this wasn’t easy for me… and I still have it a few times a week… but it will definitely make a difference.

 8. Water Water Water!

            I can’t stress this enough!

It takes a while for your body to adjust… at first you’ll pee more than a pregnant woman… lol but eventually your bladder gets used to it.

9. Calories in<calories out

It’s true… that if your calories in is less than calories out… you’re going to lose weight. But if you’re wanting to feel better and treat your body as the temple that it is… clean eating is the way to go.

And now for everyone’s favorite…

10. Exercise

In the very beginning of my journey… I started with a lil cardio outside… even just a walk a day. Eventually I joined a gym… hit the elliptical for 30 mins… then did all the machines for 30 also. Rotated between arm machines someday and leg machines the rest of the week. Eventually I made my way to the treadmill/bike, and starting lifting more along with doing squats and lunges, and abs at home.

I can elaborate more on my workouts in a later blog… but that’s the jest of it.

Honestly, you can work our as much as you want but if you’re not eating healthy then the weight won’t come off as fast… or at all even.

 

11. Unrealistic goals

It’s going to take time. It’s going to be a process. You’re going to have temptations, and you’re going to fall sometimes. The biggest thing is that you GET BACK UP.

“Success is going from failure to failure without losing any enthusiasm”

love this quote. Especially when relating it to dieting… because “failure” will be a part of the journey. It’s a learning process. Don’t you love that word…? “Process”. Lol

 12. Be honest

I struggled with being social at times… because my friends love to eat. Lol so hangs out typically meant going to dinner, going to the bars, making food at someone’s house… baking, cooking, sweets, alcohol. It SUCKED.

Set boundaries!!

Tell your friends that you’re on a diet or just eating healthy. Or whatever you want to say, but be honest with others and yourself especially. If you know that putting yourself in a certain situation or atmosphere is going to set you up for failure… then don’t do it. Easier said than done. But really. And if you absolutely know that you are going to fail, t

hen accept it and just get back up the next day. Keep the enthusiasm.

13. Enjoy the journey

I still wanted to enjoy life in the process of getting healthy & reaching my goals. I mean… Don’t get me wrong… When you have a large amount of weight to lose… It takes freaking dedication. Hard work. It hurts. It freaking sucks some days. The cravings, the anger, the frustrations of how we got to that weight in the first place. I could write a book about it. All the emotions to work through too… that in its self was just as hard, if not harder. For me personally, this journey has brought me a lot of inner healing. Some deep rooted anger and hurt literally had to be dealt with. Things that triggered my weight gain in the first place. I had to face my demons. I had to get to the root of the problem. I honestly believe weight gain and how we treat our bodies is directly related to our emotional state and current situations around us. Some things completely out of our control, but in the end that is no excuse. ‘We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way, and we cannot change the inevitable. But we do have control of our attitudes and how we chose to respond to our situation.’ I stopped choosing excuses and started seeing results. I stopped blaming others and started facing myself.  

Follow me on instagram for a closer look into my journey //@sheriboberry :)

anonymous asked:

Do you have anything in trans people? I can't seem to find any in the tags? Just curious. You have a lovely blog BTW 💕

I do, but sadly not a lot, and i am just really bad with tagging things.

Unfortunately also, it is really hard for me to find posts about trans humor because it is hard to tell what will be appropriate and what wont, there are plenty of things that seem innocent but aren’t, so i only post the things that i am pretty sure will not be offensive. I do try though, and i will work on tagging things more accurately so things are easier to find :)

Sorry folks

I don’t know if many people noticed but I’ve been taking a break from posting on Tumblr for the past few months. Part of the reason is that my phone and laptop are breaking down at the same time so it’s getting really hard for me to post anything, but mostly I’ve been really in a slump with photography.

I’ve been feeling really uninspired, uninterested, and like I’m just taking the same mediocre pictures of the same things over and over to post here, and I don’t really know what to do about it. I don’t have a ton of spare time/funds to travel that often, I am considering finding a class to take, but I feel really stuck, and it feels terrible because photography has been such a joyful thing for me for most of my life.

Sorry all, I know I don’t post anything personal at all on here, but if anyone out there has any advice on what I can do or try to get the spark going again I’d love to hear from you. And I will try to start posting more regularly going forward, because I do like the positive feedback and getting reblogs and likes. Thanks!

Sorry I havent been posting, I was recently in the hospital. I’m okay im just having a lot of low spoon days and its really hard for me to post. I’m back now though and I should be posting more often.

3

ok so this was really hard for me to post bc I feel self conscious but this is me with my natural hair and without makeup. I may have freckles, I may have acne, My lips may be thin, I might have weird eyebrows…. But you know what? No one else looks like me, and I think that’s something special. Plus I kind of have cool eyes I think. So let’s try and look past the things we don’t like and just start loving ourselves more.

I guess I should post this here as well since Tumblr was the most hurt by my actions. I went through pages and pages of letter from people after this and it helped me understand a lot what I had done. It’s really hard for me to post this, but we have to learn from our mistakes.

“I fucked up. Big time. This is the single most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done in cosplay and it’s something I often would like to forget. Years ago I darkened my skin for Anthy. To me, it was a make-up challenge, nothing more. In all the time I posted make-up tests, stated my intentions, even WORE it, no one said anything to me. It wasn’t until the second time I wore it and some people that spend a lot of their time talking shit about me decided to make a big deal of it did I even think for a second that it might be offensive. In fact, when the post was originally made, I posted it on my own Facebook with “Apparently the internet thinks I’m racists?” and it wasn’t until then that I started to understand what it was that I had done. I’ve been involved in so many debates and discussions since. I lost a lot of friends over it. A lot of people lost respect for me over it. The truth is, as a white person, I’m never going to understand. As a white person, it is not up to me to decide what is and isn’t racist to another race. The reason this issue matters is because minorities in this country get the short end of the stick in everything. Black cosplayers are often referred to as “That is such a good ________ for a black person” or they are known as “black ________.” It’s not fair. s a white person, I have the privilege of cosplaying whichever character I want and no one will ever call me “White ___________.” No one wants to stand up for Black people. No one wants to fight for their rights. No one gives a shit when they are being murdered in large numbers by civil servants. No one cares they are forced into shit neighborhoods and have little to no education available to them and no one cares about anything that happens to them. But they want to dress like a black person. That is the definition of privilege. You get to be black without being black. You get to be whatever you want without the strife that comes with being that race. We as white people have to understand and acknowledge WE DON’T GET IT. and it’s okay! It is 100% okay that you don’t fucking get it. Seriously. The closest thing I will ever come to understanding what it’s like to be a minority is with my Endometriosis. It doesn’t matter how hard I work, how clean I keep my nose, how badly I want it, I will always be sick. It will always control my life. There’s no escaping it and there’s no bargaining with it. Minorities can work hard all they want, keep their noses clean, want so badly to rise above what they’ve been given, but society is stacked against them. I hope that I can change some peoples minds with my own personal experiences. It’s not about you. It was never about you. Regardless of your intent, it’s insulting. People aren’t “overly sensitive tumblr babies,” these are people desperate to have their identities and not be persecuted for it. You are robbing them of that. That’s all I have to say about this.“

This blog is going on hiatus.

I’ve actually been planning this for a few weeks now, when it came clear to me that we weren’t going to see Beth before season six ended, and I had some really eloquent things to say that have slipped my mind. (I should have written them down).

I just can’t do this anymore. Yeah, the mountain of “What the fuck” is still there: the theme song, the cancelled panels, the lack of funeral, etc, but I no longer have faith in TPTB to bring her back.

I also can’t do this for mental health reasons any longer. I cannot have TD be a main focus of my life anymore only to be disappointed. I cannot play another summer of “Where in the World is Emily Kinney.” At one point last summer, I was at the beach with my kids checking Twitter to see if there was any chance Emily was filming. I can’t live like this.

I really enjoyed getting to know all of you, and there’s a chance I’ll be back someday. But for now, I need to step back. Tumblr brings out these bad habits. And it’s also really hard for me to see posts and reblogs of show content knowing Beth isn’t there. Sticking around would mean having to unfollow most of you and that’s not something I want to do.

But before I go, as this might be my last post ever, I want to get some stuff off my chest. There are a whole lot of people out there who can suck an egg.

-That small section of TA who thought it was really cool to shit all over TD. I never liked most of you, with your immature, mean girl attitudes, even before “Coda,” but a handful of you I had considered friends. You are the worst kind of people. You’d bad mouth your own grandmother if it meant it would make you more popular.

-Scott Gimple, TPTB, and @amc: Seriously, you know what you fucking did. You could have given us the closure of a funeral. You could have let Emily talk about it on a panel. You could have given us and Beth a meaningful goodbye scene. You could have chosen to not use Bethyl as a damn promotional tool for season 5. It’s fine that you felt it was time for Beth to die, but you could have done it in a way to give us all some peace. Fuck you.

-Erik Jensen: I defended you. I told people you seemed like too nice a guy to troll a group of fans. Thanks for proving me wrong, that feels great.

-(This last one is going to make me unpopular, but whatever). Emily Kinney: Why? Why do you feel it’s necessary to still talk about Beth and TWD every time you open your damn mouth? Who on your team thinks this a good idea? And while you’re running your mouth, you can’t take 5 seconds to give the Beth fandom some closure? You trolled us, too. “You never know?” No, you know, but for some odd reason, you still want to be associated with a show you haven’t been on in over a year.

So there you have it. I’m on indefinite hiatus. I’m turning off my ask box and deleting the app from my phone. If I never talk to any of you again, I wish you all the best. If you are one the people who has my email or phone number, please keep in touch, just not about TWD. If Emily is spotted on set this summer, someone tell the squad to “throw a shoe” at me. They’ll know what you mean.

Much love. xoxo

Jenn