This season’s Christmas Special will be a true banger. Louis’ paternity test will be revealed live on the X Factor, Danielle and Briana seen fighting in the background. Louis Walsh will be shouting through it all that the latest boyband will be a girlband as soon as he can think of a name for them. In the hastily started commercial break, cousin Ashley catches Simon is on the phone, trying to set up a stunt for Harry with Susan Boyle, and puts it on Snapchat. An unknown child who will forever be named Conchobar in my mind will simply crawl out of the studio unsupervised. Cheryl will steal him and raise him as her own. It will look more like B’s stepfather every day and not a bit like Liam. Nobody will wonder how she gave birth to a 11 month old baby because celebrities’s pregnancies never make sense.

Louis ignores it all and emails the rest of the boys that break’s over. Time to start planning that 2017 MITAM tour.

Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.
You claim to love her, inside and out, but the only time you call her beautiful is when it’s 3 in the morning and I’ve already turned you down.
—  girls tell each other everything, c.j.n.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.