we’ll help you, my mother tells me, but you’ve got to want to help yourself too. my father, standing by my bed, saying, play the piano again for us, for your mind. i think of what it will mean to take medication: the white pill between my fingers like a secret, a pearl pressed flat on a train track. the cold water glass. my heart unfurling.
i dig through the dusty piano bench. pressed in a yellowed 60s copy of preparatory exercises are loose leaf pages, a secret. titled sebastian in someone else’s handwriting, scanned copy of notes drawn in pen on printed staff. sebastian, meaning: basket of marigolds, summer as rich as wine, brideshead, in the time before depression when my tongue was a moon crater still learning to how to taste the word man.
here, by the keys, my bones hum. melancholy is a night with no wind pressed up against my ribs. i hold on to my body as if it were its own secret, me, my blood, and all the words i cannot say. take my time with each note. my hands wreaths of rust, the dust spilling out of me. i think again of the pills, my heart prying itself open to reveal the real heart nestled inside, the red one, the one that beats.
summer is only a word, but it’s an orange word, a kind of burning. i play softly. there’s a ghost in the room somewhere. he might be sitting on the bench. he might be evaporating.
now that the “party” is over and sana doesn’t have to fear her parents finding out about her letting alcohol into their house, and the party that took place there, i think that this is going to be a good learning experience for her. because what would’ve hurt sana the most had they found out would’ve been knowing that they felt like their own daughter had disrespected them and their home, knowing that they were disappointed in her. she knows she could’ve really hurt her parents there, these two people who mean so much to her, much much more than any of the russ stuff. and hopefully this will help (it’s a process) her realize that there are compromises that shouldn’t be made, that she shouldn’t let anyone or anything make her feel like she has to make