This scene was suggested by @jeune-eve Thanks for the help as always to the wonderful @jaelle90
It’s the first scene I’ve done that was shown in entirety from Lexa’s viewpoint in the main fic, so I found it tougher than normal. I hope it works for you guys!
Unsung Heart is nearly over - please feel free to send me anonymous or not anonymous one shot suggestions, or POV suggestions. I would love to do a few one shots before starting a new multi chapter fic, so please throw suggestions my way!
Clarke stared at the girl who had been eyeing up Lexa. She was pretty, really pretty. Not as pretty as Lexa. No one was. Now that she’d decided she wanted to kiss her, that she had to in order to make sense of life again, the idea of anyone else near her made Clarke feel sick, even if she did push Lexa in that direction. It was awful to push her friend to get laid when she selfishly really didn’t want that to happen.
‘Clarke, she thinks you’re into her,’ Lexa’s words made Clarke flush and look away, ‘Which is fine if you are, but don’t lead girls on - we don’t really like it,’ she quipped the latter and Clarke realized she’d been given the opportunity she needed.
‘Sorry,’ Clarke slurped at her drink trying to muster up some courage as she stared at Lexa, desperate to be closer to her even though she didn’t really understand what that meant for who she was as a person. The truth was, the girl on the nearby table was sexy and pretty and Clarke could easily imagine kissing her but Lexa was different - she wasn’t just some girl. She was more and Clarke was desperate to kiss her, to be close. She had a crush on Lexa, real and tangible and kinda overwhelming.
‘What?’ Lexa sounded a little confused probably because was staring at her.
‘How did you know you were gay?’ she burst out.
'Same way you knew you were straight I guess,’ Lexa answered and Clarke frowned in frustration at the flippant response.
'I used to think I was bi,’ she admitted and saw Lexa focus on her entirely, looking a little skittish as she shifted in her seat.
'Yeah?’ Lexa didn’t sound that interested though, and so Clarke played along at being casual.
'Mmm. I had crushes on guys and girls, all the time. I still do.’
'But you don’t think you’re bi?’ Lexa stared at her and Clarke was relieved to see something more in her eyes, a definite interest - Lexa couldn’t quite hide the fact that she was invested in Clarke’s response.
'I don’t know. It’s the sex bit. I mean I love boobs,’ Clarke shrugged, 'I mean you have fucking gorgeous boobs,’ she attempted to bring this to Lexa, because she fucking adored Lexa and really, this was all about her.
'I just can’t imagine going down on a girl,’ she admitted, aware that she was pouting as she visualized the scene. Her between a girls legs. Her between Lexa’s legs. She wasn’t repulsed exactly but it was a vagina, and vaginas were just a bit gross, and she really just couldn’t imagine doing what she thought would be expected to one. Vagina’s were really a bit of a mystery to her which was stupid because she had one.
'Why?’ Lexa frowned at her, 'I mean, it’s really, really fun.’ Lexa looked a little dreamy which intrigued her, and made a strange pang of longing fill her.
'So you weren’t a bit…I don’t know…grossed out by the thought?’ She wrinkled her nose as she thought about vagina’s in very general terms.
Then Lexa went on a genital tirade and it was awesome. Clarke stared at her as she talked about how genitals were kind of gross in general and ended up ranting about the bad press of the vagina in particular. If Clarke were to be entirely honest with herself, she fell a little in love with her at that moment and a whole lot in lust as she spoke vehemently,
'We’re made to feel like our bits are gross. By boys, by men, magazines, media…all of it. We’re made to feel that we stink, that we look funny. I mean, how many girls do you know who have a problem with the word vagina? I mean that’s what it is, but we want to make all sorts of pretty ass names for it instead of saying, ok, it kinda looks like a vagina. We’re told to preen and polish, to get rid of hair. We’re told it smells like fish, or disgusting and you know…they leak and oh my god isn’t it gross that a vagina is a vagina.’
'You may have a point,’ Clarke couldn’t help but giggle with delight as she stared at Lexa, who just summarized it all perfectly, 'vagina’s get a lot of negative press.’
'A girl looks like a girl. She has a vagina and yeah it’s a little weird looking, just like a guy who’s a little weird looking. But fuck, when you fancy a girl, it’s sexy. It smells…fucking gorgeous and tastes better, and when a girl comes apart because of you between her legs it’s the hottest thing in the world.’
'It doesn’t smell bad? I mean this one guy told me it smelt…funky.’
'Fucking ass. No - it smells musky, and good - like sex,’ Lexa took a long drink, and then Clarke watched her wink at the girl across the room, and it filled her with a burning jealousy that nearly toppled her. The idea of Lexa fucking that girl made Clarke feel enraged.
'And it tastes good?’ she drew Lexa’s attention back to her.
'Yeah,’ Lexa looked at her and Clarke had to swallow because those green eyes were dark and heavy with emotion, her pupils blown.
'What about the first time? I mean how did you know what to do?’
'Instinct,’ Lexa answered and Clarke huffed,
'Lex give me a better answer than that. I mean with a guy and a girl, the first time he just sticks it in, moves in and out and hopes for the best. You go from there. How’d you know what to do?’
And then Lexa told her all about her first time with Echo, who Clarke couldn’t decide if she hated or liked, or what, she just knew that she felt jealous of a girl who’d been closer with Lexa than she had. She felt jealous of Lexa being intimate with Echo in ways they hadn’t. She also couldn’t deny the beat between her legs as she thought about she and Lexa doing the things Lexa was describing with Echo. It sounded appealing, and she told Lexa she hadn’t considered it being sexy, hadn’t really thought of it as sex.
'Well I just thought because I couldn’t imagine sex, because I thought it might be, you know…gross, I’ve never gone there. I still get crushes on girls, I just figured they were a friend thing. Not sexual,’ Clarke tried to explain, all the while knowing that there was a sexual element to her crush on Lexa. It was true though. Without being able to imagine the sex she just assumed it wasn’t real or that it didn’t mean anything, that they were crushes and she wasn’t bi. Except now she wasn’t so sure.
'What do you mean by a crush then? I don’t get it,’ Lexa leaned back in her seat.
'You know a crush. I want to see them, kind of obsessed but in a good way - with what they say, what they’re interested in. I think they’re gorgeous. I want to text them lots.’
'So basically like you are with friends?’ Lexa laughed
'I’m not like that with friends,’ Clarke said and picked up her drink, waiting for it to click with her friend.
'You’re like that with me…’ Lexa said and then flushed at the implication.
'You keep blushing!’ Clarke smiled, 'You’re so cute. You know I have a crush on you!’ She’d decided spontaneously to go for the “obviously you know I have a crush on you.”
'On me?’ Lexa looked utterly stunned.
'Oh come on Lex, I’m totally obsessed with you!’ Clarke laughed easily, even if she didn’t really find it easy. 'Raven and O are constantly making fun of me,’ that was honest.
'But you don’t think you’re bi?’ Lexa gaped at her and it would have been funny if her heart wasn’t pounding quite so hard.
'It’s bisexual right? I can imagine sex with a guy, easily. And I have tried to imagine sex with one of my girl crushes, but you’re so right…all the negative crap I’ve ever heard about girls bits…that was in my head. I mean I think about making out with them, but nothing more.’
'Right,’ Lexa nodded, still gaping and looking lost.
'But maybe I’ve been too quick. I mean, maybe there is more to these crushes? They could be sexual right?’ Clarke looked at her, feeling utterly optimistic because she really, really wanted something with Lexa she realized. No one made her feel like Lexa did. Lexa was staring at her, her mind clearly computing, and Clarke saw a flash of cautious optimism which spurned her on.
'Sure,’ Lexa said with a sharp nod of her head.
'So we’re friends, right?’ Clarke couldn’t drag her eyes from Lexa, even though she was feeling really nervous, because she had to push things forward. She was crushing on Lexa and Lexa was crushing on her and there was something between them - something she’d never felt with anyone else and if she didn’t push it, wouldn’t she regret it?
'Yes,’ Lexa sounded flat and Clarke felt a surge of guilt because this was unfair, because Lexa had always been adamant about being friends, because this was a sucky thing to do and of course Lexa didn’t know the true extent of her crush nor her confusion. And Clarke couldn’t tell her, not when she might feel so much more than her friend. Not when everything felt so confusing.
'Well maybe we could kiss,’ she smiled brightly, heart pounding in her chest so hard she felt slightly lightheaded.
'But we’re friends,’ Lexa answered bluntly, and Clarke’s stomach turned over with nerves.
'I know,’ she shrugged, 'But I think you’re crazy beautiful,’ Clarke said easily, because Lexa was without a doubt the most beautiful human Clarke had ever seen.
'And I’ve thought about kissing you,’ she admitted, the first step in owning who she was and what she was feeling.
'You have?’ Lexa’s voice sounded funny.
'God yeah. When I was staring into your eyes the other morning, it was like instinct or something. You’re telling me you didn’t feel it too? What with the way you licked your lips, well I guess I figured that’s why you were a little weird and left.’
'I wasn’t being weird,’ Lexa defended.
'You were,’ Clarke laughed a little acting like she was totally at ease, 'and I know…you’re so proper about the friends thing, but I think you were thinking about kissing me too…’
'Clarke,’ Lexa sounded a little mad.
'Oh come on Lex, who am I gonna experiment with if not my gay best friend? I mean, I’m way too old to find my own Echo,’ she muttered blithely even though she felt bad for doing it.
'You never got experimental in high school? Never kissed a girl in a game of spin the bottle?’ Lexa’s voice was tight, tense and not at all like it normally was, but Clarke wanted to persist. She couldn’t just kiss Lexa drunkenly without being sure, but she could kiss her if she asked, if she explained her confusion, owned up to her crush. But she’d have to push for it - a little at least - because Lexa held onto the platonic nature of their relationship like she was in the middle of the ocean and it was a life belt being dragged by a retreating boat.
'Well yeah, but she wasn’t my type and had bad breath.’
'I have bad breath,’ Lexa said and instead of laughing at the quip Clarke responded with honesty and seriousness,
'Why not kiss the girl over…oh,’ Lexa tried to gesture at the girl she’d been flirting with but sighed when she realized that girl was gone. 'Go to a gay bar Clarke.’ Lexa sounded defeated, panicked and it made Clarke wince but she persisted.
'Come on Lexa, I even have minty fresh breath,’ she ran her tongue over her teeth and saw Lexa’s eyes darken as they followed the gesture.
'It’s not a good idea Clarke,’ Lexa shook her head. 'Find a cute boy to eye up instead. Or call Bell.’
'Stop pushing me back in the closet,’ Clarke pouted feeling frustrated, because something inside of her had changed and she didn’t want to go back, even if she didn’t know exactly what these feelings meant, 'I feel like I’m realizing something big here.’
'And I’m here for you Clarke, but seriously…not a good idea to experiment with me.’
'So you don’t have a crush on me? Not even an itty, bitty little one?’ Clarke decided to change track completely. She’d seen Lexa’s eyes darken, she knew there was something between them, that it couldn’t just be one sided and so she spoke flirtatiously, tried to force Lexa into admitting it - even if she was a bitch for doing so.
'Fuck,’ Lexa sighed and Clarke waited.
'My friends say you’re in love with me,’ Clarke didn’t even know why she would say such a thing, but she’d swayed closer to Lexa, she could feel the energy of this beautiful girl and she’d never wanted anything more than to kiss her.
'Your friends are idiots,’ Lexa muttered and Clarke felt her confidence drop for a moment. She didn’t really think as she asked,
'Is that why you won’t do it? I mean you’re not in love with me, are you?’ her voice was monotone, and in honesty she didn’t know what she wanted Lexa to answer because it was confusing. She was a little in love with Lexa, or a lot, but it was as friends because she was straight - or had thought she was. There was no way Lexa wasn’t a little in love with her, not with how they were, but maybe it was different because Lexa was a lesbian. Clarke felt more confused than ever.
'No,’ Lexa croaked and Clarke wasn’t p sure she believed her, but chose to pretend she did,
'Then kiss me. I’m fun, I’m pretty and I’ve seen you staring at my boobs.’
'Clarke,’ Lexa growled and a pulse of desire shot through Clarke, staring in her belly and loitering between her legs. She felt desperate,
'You make it sound sexy. God, maybe all these crushes on girls, maybe they’re more than crushes? Maybe they are sexual. How will I ever know?’ Clarke stared at her.
'Clarke,’ there was a definite weakening, Clarke could sense it.
'Stop saying my name Lex. I get that I might not be your type or whatever. So tell me what’s your type? I don’t have a clue because you never come onto anyone. Are you into the butch girls? Short hair? Long hair? Big? Small? Dark? What?’
'I don’t have a type…’
'I’m cute Lex,’ she repeated. 'It’s just a kiss.’
'But we’re best friends and fuck, I adore you. I don’t want to fuck up what we have.’
'It’s just a kiss Lexa,’ Clarke repeated, even as a burn spread through her belly at Lexa’s words.
'Fine,’ Lexa looked mad and slightly distraught but Clarke ignored that because she was going to kiss her and Clarke needed that kiss,
'Really?’ Clarke checked, a cautious smile, but wanting to clarify that Lexa was actually agreeing.
'If you’re sure that’s what you want?’ Lexa seemed really apprehensive.
'I’m sure,’ Clarke nodded tongue sneaking out to lick her lips. Lexa was staring at her, beautiful green eyes scanning over her face, staring right into her eyes before she raised a hand and slid cool, long fingers over her jaw. Clarke’s heart stuttered at the contact, her breaths coming in shallow puffs, as they slid into her hair, the pressure against her scalp just amazing. Clarke stared wide eyed, her body desperate for the moment when Lexa’s lips would touch hers, half terrified she’d pull back before that happened. And then their lips pressed together and Clarke had to swallow the moan that rose to the surface, especially when Lexa’s tongue found hers. As if fearing she’d gone too far, Lexa pulled back slightly but Clarke couldn’t have that, and surged forward a little to pull that plump bottom lip into her mouth. It felt fucking amazing, and she was so turned on her underwear was soaked. She wrapped an arm around Lexa and tugged her closer even as Lexa pulled back again and paused for a second as if checking, but when Clarke stayed close, her hand finding Lexa’s shoulder, Lexa turned and kissed her with more force, the kiss deeper and more ardent. Lexa’s hand was on her waist and tugging her closer and Clarke couldn’t help the noise that escaped her - a noise of pure longing. She wanted Lexa. All of her. Legs, arms, hands, breasts, vagina, lips and fuck, that mouth! And for a second Lexa complied, the kiss so utterly perfect and skilled and wonderful that Clarke could have cried, but then Lexa was pulling back. Clarke kept her eyes shut, wishing she would claim her lips again. She felt hot and needy and so turned on.
'Wow,’ she opened her eyes and stared at Lexa’s dilated eyes, and kiss bruised lips. Lexa swallowed and took a sip of her drink. 'I mean seriously wow,’ Clarke said again because she desperately wanted to kiss more, to feel Lexa’s tongue on hers, to feel that close.
'Hmm,’ Lexa hummed and it made Clarke’s stomach turn with adoration because it meant she was nervous.
'You’re an amazing kisser,’ Clarke told her, gushing more than she intended, as her eyes fell to her lips.
'And? Are they just crushes?’ Lexa’s voice was deeper than normal, a little husky and she was stirring her drink and staring at it.
'God I don’t know,’ Clarke answered honestly, taking a long sip of her cocktail. 'I’m fucking turned on,’ she said honestly, because she was wet and throbbing and desperately in need of more. 'Are you?’ she couldn’t help the question, but she wanted Lexa to be as big a mess as her, she wanted Lexa to be wet, and needy too. Lexa coughed, half choking on her drink,
'Uh, yeah,’ she croaked. 'You’re really sexy.’ The words caused Clarke’s stomach to flip and the ache between her thighs to intensify.
'Are you thinking about sex with me?’ Clarke was so fucking close, unsure what was possessing her, but the urge to be close to Lexa was overpowering her reason.
'Mmm,’ Lexa nodded, a beautiful flush on those high cheekbones.
'What are you thinking?’ her voice was low, flirty and seductive, and she was just desperate for more.
'What do you mean, what am I thinking?’
'I mean are you thinking of me naked? Are you thinking of my chest? What are you thinking?’ Clarke was so close she could have stuck out her tongue and licked Lexa’s burning cheek. She was like a girl possessed and she waited for Lexa to answer,
'I’m thinking of my face between your legs, I’m thinking about the noises you might make, fuck…’ Lexa’s voice was barely above a whisper, and Clarke nearly whimpered at the words. The alcohol and lust were making her feel crazy, dizzy even,
'Lets go back to my place Lex,’ Clarke moved even closer, her clit just brushing the girls thigh due to proximity which made her whole body throb gratefully.
'Clarke…don’t do this,’ Lexa shook her head.
'I’m not doing anything,’ Clarke answered flirtatiously, leaning close enough that her lips brushed against the lobe of Lexa’s ear. The hitch in Lexa’s breathing made Clarke want her even more.
'You are. Don’t fuck with me,’ Lexa protested and Clarke felt instantly wounded because that hadn’t been her intention,
'I’m not,’ she stepped back. 'I just thought…’
'That because I’m gay I’d obviously want to help you sort out your sexuality? Be your Guinea pig?’
'No,’ Clarke defended, hurt and a little bit guilty because she had assumed Lexa would be willing to help her, especially because she’d admitted to the crush and Lexa so blatantly was attracted to her as well.
'I just…god we’ve been flirting for months. Is it really just me that feels like this is more than friends?’ she asked in exasperation.
'We’ve only ever been friends,’ Lexa stated, voice tight. 'You don’t even think you’re bi. How can we be more than friends?’
'I don’t know, but we are. I have to be bi? Right?’ Clarke stared at her, wanting something, validation of her confusion would be enough.
'I’m sorry Clarke, really I am, but I can’t do this,’ Lexa shook her head, pulling her coat on. 'You can’t do this. Call a cab so you get home safe ok?’
'Lexa,’ Clarke’s mouth had fallen open, unable to believe what was happening. She felt sick devastation fill her up as Lexa stood and dug in her coat for her wallet.
'I’m sorry ok?’ Lexa repeated.
'Ok,’ Clarke’s brow furrowed as Lexa opened her wallet and shoved a couple of twenties to pay for their drinks. Clarke couldn’t believe she was leaving. That she was just running away because they kissed and she’d suggested…well Clarke wasn’t really sure what she’d suggested, just that they somehow relieve the tension, make each other feel good. Lexa’s response was so strong, so final - to just run away. Lexa had enjoyed the kiss - she’d admitted to thinking of her face between Clarke’s legs. Clarke’s body throbbed. Maybe Lexa didn’t want a relationship or anything, didn’t feel the same as Clarke? Maybe she’d separated physical and emotional? Lexa seemed angry about the kiss, and not into the idea of more. Maybe she’d hurt her? But she felt hurt too because she although she was confused, she knew she wanted Lexa and now she wasn’t sure Lexa wanted her.
Wow. I never knew how much I can cry & feeling gutted all over again after Lexa's death. Finding out how they said Clarke is Lexa's soulmate & she wasn't Clarke's is just too devastating. I feel so enraged by this. I was sad, salty & a little bitter before. But this, I'm burning with fury. As if listening to calls & reading chats of young girls & boys in my hotline center who are invalidated & abused because they're queer had not been painful enough. This is unforgivable! The show MUST go!
Totally agree. For your own sanity I would ignore whatever they call canon at this point, though. Canon went out the window the second Lexa died. Lexa is ours now, we’re taking care of her.
For real world purposes though, yes, stay outraged, this is fucking horrific and we as a community should not stand for it.
Alternate Universe in which Jake Griffin was never killed and Clarke was never arrested, allowing her to take more time to mature (therefore expect slightly-immature!clarke) and giving her the opportunity of getting to know a certain attractive janitor.
She was halfway through taking off his shirt when he abruptly backed away. Puzzled, she leaned forward, reaching for his lips, but he had both hands placed on her hips, firmly holding her into place.
He seemed even more confused than she was, his eyes fixed on hers as if he were trying to avoid looking at her half-naked body. “Everything about this is wrong.”
“Whyyy?” Clarke had meant to sound sexy, but the result was more like the whine of a five year old girl who’s just been told she can’t have ice cream for breakfast.
“Because you’re young. And I’m not.”
She blushed immediately, suddenly feeling so self-conscious about her age she’d had to resist the urge to run away crying. There she was, wearing nothing but denim shorts and a black bra, standing in front of a guy who obviously saw her as a child. Oh god, when did I become so pathetic. Still, she held onto her pride. “Oh, c’mon, we’re only a few years apart. It’s perfectly legal. I checked.”
He suppressed a smile, but she could tell. “Of course you did. But still…it’s not right. I’m a janitor and you’re…”
She rolled her eyes at him violently, but regretted doing so as soon as she was done, realizing it only made her seem more childish. “Trust me, I’m no princess.”
“Oh, but you are. And my peasant hands aren’t worthy of touching your pure skin.” Clarke didn’t like it when he talked like that, as if the fact she was related to important people necessarily made her a snob. She supposed he had a good enough reason to hate the Chancellor: his mother had been floated and his little sister arrested, but neither she nor her parents’ had had anything to do with it. Yet, he seemed to resent them regardless. She could even taste the anger in his lips whenever they kissed, but it never stopped him from kissing her. She knew it twisted him up inside, the conflict between wanting her and wanting to hate her, and she meant to talk about it one day, to demonstrate how sorry she was for what had happened to his family…but it felt like an issue that shouldn’t be brought up while she was half naked and almost positive she’d seen a bulge in his jeans.
“What difference does it make? I want to do this.” She pointed downwards. “You clearly want to this. Why shouldn’t we do it?”
He sighed. “Because I don’t want to be some worthless part of your rebellious phase, that’s why.”
For a moment, Clarke was so exasperated she physically backed away from him a little, but his hands remained firmly planted on her hips. “What?”
“I don’t want to be some instrument you use to piss off mommy and daddy because they didn’t get you enough presents or something.”
She slapped him without hesitation, only realizing how much she’d been longing to do this as her palm touched his face. “God, Bellamy, why do you have to be such a pain in the ass.”
“Look me in the eye and tell me I’m wrong.” Judging by the look in his eyes, he’d already realized he was wrong, but Bellamy Blake was too proud to apologize and move on, he’d stand by his flawed argument for as long as he could. Clarke hated how much she liked that about him. It was not something one was supposed to like.
She met his gaze, trying to get her eyes to show as much anger as humanly possible “You’re wrong. You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Trust me, none of this has nothing to do with my parents.”
‘“Then what’s this about? A council member’s daughter doesn’t hook up with a janitor for nothing!”
“I don’t know, Bell, have you ever considered that maybe the council member’s daughter actually likes the janitor?” He didn’t answer, but his expression said it all. No, he hadn’t considered it. Not once. Enraged by his (lack of) response, Clarke kept going. “Have you ever considered that maybe the council member’s daughter and the janitor are actual complex human beings with feelings that aren’t defined by their social class? I may be a princess to you, Bellamy, but it doesn’t define me. I am a person with a brain and a heart and apparently neither one of them is working very well because it seems that I like you even though you’re an asshole. Now, you either accept that, or you leave. Which one is it going to be?”
As soon as she was done speaking, the huge confidence she’d build up as the argument progressed started to waver. He stared at her wide-eyed and, for a second, a mere second, she thought he was going to turn his back to her and leave the room.
Instead, he grinned, his voice filled with what Clarke believed to be pure awe. “God, you’re hot when you’re right.”