this was too much for my emotions at four am

anonymous asked:

Dear Ge'els, I would like to ask you some questions: - Who were your parents and what were their names? - Do you have any siblings? - How old are you? - Who is your best friend? - Do you think that all humans are evil? - What do you think about Imlerith or Caranthir? - Do you like painting? - Do you have a wife and children? - Are all elves Aen Elle do not like humans? - Is Avallac'h your friend? - Why did you paint this portrait in the middle of the night? Do you have sleep problems?

[brings out a family journal] 

I had nearly forgotten about it myself, it’s been decades, centuries ago. Would you care for some tea? This will be quite long indeed. Please, take a seat. My servant will bring out some refreshments for you.

I was born into a noble and rich family, here in the capital of Tir ná Lia. My father never hailed from any noble family himself, but he married my mother, the eldest daughter of a high-ranking family of society. Thus, my father claimed his noble rank, as well as worked his way up to become the viscount of Auberon’s court. My mother, Evadne, whose name means “nymph of water”, was a gentle beauty, and my father, Galan, became a respected advisor to Auberon. I grew up at court under the watchful eye of both Auberon and my father. We became very close to the royal family.

I’m an only child. Though, I grew up with Lara Dorren, daughter of Auberon and Shiadhal. My father and Auberon were close companions, resulting in mine and Lara’s early acquaintance as children. However, we barely got along. She was too impulsive, too ruled by emotion. We played together much as children, yet we disagreed in many subjects, on many occasions. 

I was born a decade ahead of Lara, yet our small difference in age mattered little. I am barely four centuries old now, a mere decade younger than Crevan.

I was acquainted with Crevan for many decades since my arrival at court, we were both at a similar age. When we were all living in Tir ná Lia, Lara included, I had great admiration for Crevan, and considered him a close companion. Both of us were entirely faithful to our king Auberon, our close connection lead to the coming together of Lara and Crevan. He, of course, eventually fell in love with her. Lara knew of this, yet she did not reciprocate his feelings. When the events of Lara’s death occurred, it struck Auberon hard, he became a crippled version of his former self. I was affected as well, I grew up with Lara, even though my sentiments for her were brittled. Not to mention how it affected Crevan. It seeded conflict between our friendship, as it had since the moment he started growing affections for Lara, a woman of which I felt lacked better judgement. And our friendship suffered even more after our dear departed King’s death.

I dislike the human race, and the world they’re from. They lack honor, righteousness, they hunger for power whilst lust rules their mind. Evil is a subjective term, one of which I’d not use lightly. However, speaking of them summons a great deal of distaste in my mouth. 

Caranthir grew up near me, as he was raised and reared by Crevan, he was the youngest of the cavalry. Imlerith, quite young too, was the perfect soldier to Eredin. He was steadfast, loyal and brave. Caranthir became more or less like Crevan in many ways, learning from the person he’d spent most time around growing up. I admired this trait in Caranthir, as I had admired Crevan. I viewed Caranthir as a ward of a kind, someone I had witnessed growing up, and occasionally tutored. I’ll admit, however, I wasn’t very fond of Imlerith. We rarely agreed on matters, as he valued many things above my own preferences, such as drinking, fiests, pleasures of the flesh, lust. These distractions I associated with the simple minds of the Aen Seidhe, not the folk of the Alder. Perhaps our vast age gap also lead to a great degree of indifference between us. I cared for Caranthir, he was the ward and student of my friend, yet I felt he was much too bold at times, too proud, this is where he strayed from our lectures. 

Painting is one of my most enjoyable hobbies, and greatest talents. 

No, I’m not married, nor do I have any children. You see, mating in the world of the Aen Elle is largely different from your own, I imagine. We only mate whenever we need to pass on an important gene, or keep a specific blood line alive, occasionally create prodigies, such as Caranthir. Crevan and Lara were meant to marry and reproduce for this reason, as was Caranthir meant to become a golden child. I was born into a noble family, indeed, yet I never carried any important genes, thus I was never obligated to carry them onward.

True, none I’ve met have even bothered with the existence of the Aen Seidhe. Lara was the exception, she never did care for obligations and principles. She was an idealist, indeed, and she cared for her people. Yet her own personal gain and emotional wants mattered much more. Though, I doubt she held much affections for the entirety of their race, only for one human, Cregennan. The only reason our people have even bothered with the Aen Seidhe is their purpose of keeping them as slaves, servants, maids of any kind. Eredin was interested in destroying their species, nothing more. The humans interfered with our plans for Lara, however, and now we must suffer their existence. 

As I was saying earlier, our friendship took a toll after the death of our King. I never doubted his loyalty to Auberon, yet my love for him seeped much deeper, I was prepared to sacrifice all for my king, as my father would’ve. When Auberon died, I was convinced Zireael had been the one responsible. She was the only one in that room, he died in her presence. I never knew Eredin was at fault. At the time of his death, Crevan soon left the capital without a word, and later sided with Zireael. An official act of treason to the state, a massive betrayal to me. I never cared for Zireael either, I saw too much of Lara in her, too much impulse, too much power within one who could never learn to control it properly. Lara would’ve come to break Crevan’s heart, in full conscience. She knew he loved him, but never cared a wit about it. As I doubted Zireael’s judgement equally. When Crevan arrived alongside the witcher Geralt to the Moon Palace, it had been the first we spoken since his betrayal. Crevan wanted to show me the truth, as he did. I understood then that he had never betrayed me. I quickly turned to Eredin, to avenge Auberon’s death. Afterwards, I was indifferent to it all. The supposed betrayal of Crevan still wounded me, yet I knew it wasn’t true. Once Zireael had supposedly entered the tower to stop the White Frost, I received another visit from Crevan. Foolishly enough, he thought he had been pardoned, yet I was still reluctant to his presence there, after everything that had happened. He spoke to me about the dangers, he said he had come to take me from this place, before it was too late. I had no intention of living another existence in a world I abhorred, so I politely declined the offer. He didn’t leave, however. He wished to remain at my side until time would run out. At that point, he were to leave to supervise Zireael at a distance. 

I prefer nighttime to daytime, inspiration comes to me lighter. And the nights are considerably calmer, more to my liking. 

Okay like I vaguely talked about a little before, but please imagine Grantaire and trans boy Enj having a child.

Like, it’s not planned; I can’t see them as the sort of people who would make the decision to have a child (and if they did, they’d choose to adopt) because Grantaire has a lot of issues with his self-esteem (he’s been getting better over the years though. Les Amis and Enjolras remind him how important he is to them regularly to try and help) and would NOT consider himself worthy of being a dad, and Enjolras is just BUSY and probably not great with children (‘Small citizen, why do you scream?’)

But, like, it happens. They’re usually really careful, but hey – they’re human, they slip up now and then, and Enjolras is just the worst at remembering to take his birth control because of all the shit he has on his plate as it is. Combeferre used to send him daily texts to remind him until Enjolras insisted he didn’t need him to. Enjolras ends up missing his period so he literally gets the bus to a pharmacy out of their part of town to avoid running into anyone they know (read; Joly, who is never unprepared for emergencies mostly because he buys out half the pharmacy) and buys about ten pregnancy tests just to be sure.

Cut to Enjolras pacing around the bathroom with a pregnancy test like 'shit…shit fuck shit…fuck…shit…’ for nearly an hour, trying to decide how to hell he’s going to tell Grantaire this.

When he finally does, all faux-casual when they’re eating dinner, Grantaire naturally freaks out a bit. When he calms down Enjolras ends up doing the unthinkable and missing a meeting along with Grantaire as they try to decide what the hell to do.

They end up sitting up til three AM with a pot of coffee and a notepad (Enjolras likes to make lists) of 'pros’ and 'cons’ of having a baby and all the other possible options open to them (the list involves such pros as 'supposedly bundles of joy’ and cons such as 'LOUD AND SLIGHTLY FRIGHTENING’, underlined about ten times)

Anyway, they eventually make the decision to keep it. Grantaire is terrified of fucking up, but confesses that he’s fond of kids (I mean, anyone could tell he’s fond of children), and Enjolras thinks maybe it wouldn’t be so bad – it’s a chance to raise at least once decent citizen for future generations, and the idea of raising a child with someone he loves does have a lot of appeal to him. There’s not much of a dysphoria issue for Enjolras either; he’s always been pretty comfortable with his body and the way he is. So, that’s it settled.

Les Amis are extremely excited by the news (they’re also kind of relieved because they’d been worried when Enjolras and Grantaire missed a meeting that they’d had a huge fight and/or had killed each other) and demand to throw them a huge party.

Courfeyrac will not stop going on about being an uncle; Combeferre gives up trying to stop him and actually joins in after a while.

Jehan has already broken out the patchwork fabric to sew the baby a quilt. (The colours are…all wrong, and where do you even get fabric with flying saucers on? Whatever.)

Feuilly makes plans to make some toys for it, since he’s got clever hands and is there anything Feuilly can’t do?

Bahorel is boasting about teaching the 'little tyke’ to 'hold their own in a fight’ (Grantaire thinks thats rad and Enjolras insists Bahorel wait until the child is at least five oh my god)

Joly spends the whole evening fretting over Enjolras’ health and writing him up a list of foods pregnant people should supposedly avoid (which apparently looks like everything tasty)

Eponine thumps Grantaire fondly on the back and demands to be made godmother.

Enjolras and Grantaire realise they made a good choice, because even if they’re unsure of things, their baby is going to have a HUGE family of people who will adore it no matter what.

But as the months go on, Grantaire finds himself sort of secretly doubting the decision; he doesn’t want to screw up like his own father. What if he’s not good enough? This baby deserves the best father in the world, and whilst he knows it’ll have that in Enjolras, how is he supposed to match up to that? But then one night he gets violently shoved awake by Enjolras and he’s grumpy as all hell like 'why the ever-loving fuck would you do that I need all the beauty sleep I can get’ but Enjolras just grabs his hand urgently and presses it against his stomach because ’it’s kicking!’ and Grantaire just pretty much breaks down crying because how could he ever think that he’d fail their kid? Like, he already loves it so much. He’ll try his goddamn best.

Of course he tells Enjolras he’s so emotional because it’s too fuckin early for this Enj I just woke up my feelings are delicate be gentle with me it’s like four AM.

I was tagged by @fn-5701 (shh I will not go to bed)

One insecurity:
Oh where do I begin
My smile.

Two fears:
The future
Myself? I guess

Three turn on’s:
I AM A CHILD OF JESUS
I’m not I’m just a minor who won’t answer this

Four life goals:
Meet all my beautiful friends
Find a job that I enjoy doing
See all my favourite bands and musicals
Actually manage to live past 25?

Five things I like:
Hugs
Pretty flowers
Inside jokes
My friends
Music

Six weaknesses:
Too impulsive
Too emotional
Can never focus
Never stop talking
Care to much
Too clingy

Seven things I love:
My cat
My Oscar Wilde books
80s movies
Anything yellow
Gay shit
My CD collection
Singing


Tag 8 people: @sunset-gay @thecatempire @charliethehufflepuff @brucwayn-e @marianastrench-alltimelow @stopbeingartsy @fred-no-gred @softbutchcryptids

I’m going to fall in love
With the way I burn my tongue
Every time I have a cup of coffee.
I’m going to comfort myself
When I get lonely at four AM.
I’m going to look at my collection of glass bottles
And think
“An interesting person must have gathered these.”
I am going to drive my mother to work,
I am going to speak to my father about my day,
And I am going to sit on swings by myself.
I will let myself feel,
I will be sensitive and emotional and irrational,
And all of the things I could never be with you.
And every time I talk too much
Or laugh too loud at a joke that wasn’t that funny,
I’m going to fall in love with myself again.
—  Progress (#805: December 29, 2014)
Snuggle Bug | Tom Holland

Requested by @th3littlemermaid14:Hi hi hi!! I just saw your post in the tom holland tag!! Could I get a fluffy, angsty one! I don’t care what it is exactly about but I would just like it with Tom Holland! Thank You!!!

A/N: Here you go lovely, one Tom Holland fluff and angst right here. Sorry it took so long, school kills you kids.

Originally posted by iwannaseeitall

CRISTINA YANG SAID, ‘If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand something more.’ I believe that she is right, in order for things to stop we must open our mouths. Say something. Demand something more. The advice that I preach to people is the one that I cannot take.

I kept sitting here, silent—still in the same position I was in at the start of the interview, leaning on the table and insuring a safe distance from Tom who was beside me laughing at something Tony had said. Usually I would be the one making the jokes with my twisted sense of humor and clumsiness—not today though, today was different.

He was trying to stop looking at me—I was too but whenever he turned to look at the interviewer or Zendaya I would admire the way his charismatic personality helped him throughout the whole day. How he looks happy and warm.

“Uh oh Y/N is quiet, why is she quiet?” Laura rested her head on top of mine knowing the damn reason why I was so small today. The cast laughed it off as I rolled my eyes and begun to smile so big that it looked as if I got botox by the way I was forcing it.

Dammit dammit don’t look at him.

“My nose is stuffed up and my throat hurts like a bitch.”

“Cuddlecakes just needs her space.” The affectionate name that Tom had given me way back into month two of filming had made my head snap in his direction with a distasteful look on my face. People tell me that I wear my emotion on my face and do a crap job of hiding it half of the time.

The interviewer was amused by now as he was getting to know us more than we usually let out. “Cuddlecakes? Y/N do you have a fetish for cuddles?”

It was a very weird question, and my eyes got wide at the word fetish which is a bit too much but whatever to please the viewers. “I’m not a hugger, don’t come to me wanting a hug at a certain time—”

“Between the hours of 12 am and 8 pm. I swear that four hour window of opportunity is the best. We were at Barnes and Noble looking for some books she was tired, looked flat out drunk and she just leaned her head on my shoulder and cuddled into me.“

Yes I damn well remember that time. Funny thing is that I didn’t have the feelings I have for him now. Things between were platonic, sane, and the only thing I wanted from him was friendship.

Now I want more, commitment, love, to hold my hand whenever we go to these conventions. To tell people that we’re together—but how the hell can I do that when he can’t make up his mind? It is evident that him and I have a lot of tension, a lot of sexual tension that is making it hard for me to do my job.

“I cuddle with anyone when I’m tired, sorry to say it Tom but you aren’t special. Sebastian Stan has won my heart.” You can’t make something sound less offense unless you don’t really mean it. I meant what I said, that he isn’t special at least not to me anymore, and wanted to make it known that I was hurt by what happened last night. 

A series of ‘oh's’ went around my head as Tom had held his chest, acting as if he was merely hurt. I knew it hurt him, and it fucking felt good to be doing damage to him. I had no morals right now when it came to him, so let the games begin.

There was silence between Tom and I as the interviewer went on to his next question which was pointed towards me. 

“So while filming the crew had an idea for your outfit that you didn’t like, tell us about that.”

I chuckled to myself in a mocking manner, anyone who was there remembers the day I was about to burn the whole studio down. “I’m one of the leads, I’m a superhero and his love interest and I just did not appreciate them trying to make my girl wear some tight, revealing clothing.“ Call me old fashioned but I don’t want my boobs bouncing around hurting my soul as I try to fight in heels.

“So like something Black Widowish—”

“Mixed with a stripper.” Jacob added, as I grinned and gave him a thumbs up.


The interviews were over with for the day and I had packed up majority of the things fans have given me, while the rest were going to be sent to me. I always forgot how sweet my fans were until I got to comic con and saw how they were in my corner heavily. I like to tell them everything and in return they tell me everything so you can imagine how much it hurts to keep my lips shut about Tom.

I needed some time alone, so when we were packing the things into the van to go back to the hotel I broke away from them and went on the other side of the street and sat on one of the benches that were there. I crossed my legs while I leaned against the back closing my eyes and letting the warm breeze hit my skin.

Tom hates warm breezes and says that breezes exist to cool you down not make you hotter, and I said that a warm breeze is a good breeze. Not too hot, not too cold.

I need someone like that right now in my life. Someone to bring warmth to my cold chest that I’ve been trying to get rid of. “Is it just too fucking much?” it occurred to me that I was talking to no one, but I guess that was the fun part—talking to the wind, having the courage to speak what’s on your mind.

“I mean what the hell do you want to do Tom? Keep me waiting? Do you want me to beg you—because I won't—I don’t beg women, and I certainly do not beg men.”

Okay you look crazy.

None of them came after me which is good considering that I needed space from them to collect my thoughts and not go bat shit crazy on the way home due to the mixed signals I’m getting from Tom. A body was next to me as I could feel that there was something blocking the wind from the left.

Tom and I sat in silence for what feels like an eternity but was really a couple of awkward seconds passing. My hood went over my head, and my hands sat in the pockets as I became ready to be an adult and face my problems head on. “I’m not staying here for long.”

There are words in my head that are waiting to be molded into the perfect sentence to tell him, yet when he’s right in front of me my tongue ties and my insides turn into mush.

“I came here to talk to you I think that’s the best thing to do.“

I nodded.

“I didn't—I didn’t mean to make you feel this way Y/N I swear.“

“I’m not waiting on you Tom, I swear to God because they’re better looking guys out there who want me—”

“I know I heard. I just want you to know that I really like you too and I would love to take you out uh on a date?”

With cheeks heated and a grin on my face I teased him. “Asking me or telling me?”

“I-um-uh- I’m taking you on a date tomorrow—”

“Oh tomorrow’s not good.”

“You’re making this so difficult.”

“You made it difficult too, I’ll say yes, if you tell me why you told me no last night. By the way has anyone ever told you that you are a confusing guy?”

He laughs and my cheat swells with happiness. “I said no because I was scared, I just got out of a relationship and I have the amazing chance to go out with Y/N L/N. One of the best in the business.”

I know that when I date anyone who are either a struggling actor or a nonentity that my status can be a bit intimidating to them. There is always the fear of me out shinning them or me leaving them for someone else like some cold hearted bitch and that isn’t the case. If anything I’m the one scared of that happening.

My hands found their way to Tom’s, sliding into his hands as I made no eye contact with him. “I know you still love her so I’m not going to force you to delete her out your life.“ I sucked up all the air I could and then let it out. If he left me for her then I would understand, you can never forget your first love.

“You know what’s funny?“

“What?” I asked him.

“I was reading my horoscope like you told me to do and it talked about being reacquainted with an old friend.”

“Oh yeah,” I let go of his hand at the same time in which he took it back and squeezed it. “And that old friend is me? How does it feel to be going on a date with one of the best in the business?”

“We’ll see.” The two of us smiled at one another not wanting to move from our spots but rather wanting to stay here for maybe an hour more and talk some more. When I spoke to Tom I was uncensored. My laughter was forced, and more importantly my feelings for him were being returned.

With that being said I had one question for him, “if I’m your cuddlecakes, then can you be my snuggle bug?” The nickname sounded stupid but it fit him more than cuddlecakes suited me. His arm went around me and I rested my head on him as we watched all our friends get into the van without us.

“Of course, but I think they’re ready to leave—”

“No they know what they’re doing, giving us some space. You know that this lady once said that if you want crappy things to stop happening to you then you have to stop accepting crap and start demanding more. I followed her advice, and it definitely made my life a lot less crappier.“

Tom and I said nothing more after that. He just grabbed my face and kissed me as softly as he could and for the first time in my life, I believe in my romantic horoscope for the year.

Good things are coming your way (your star sign) child in the department of love, you just have to embrace it.

itsbatcountry  asked:

Are you alright? Because your tags seem rather ... excessive lately :D

*clings*

I’m so very emotionally tired because of hanNIGRAM AND THE ABSOLUTE NEED FOR A SEASON FOUR AND MADANCY AND THIS BROTP OTP THAT PLAYS WITH MY HEART AND IT’S WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH SOMETIMES IT CONSUMES ME ALIVE AND IT HURTS SO GOOD ICANT i need a hug

So in one minute I’m like

Originally posted by tenshi-art

then I’m

Originally posted by cthonical

then I think about

Originally posted by eattherudeitsthefamilybuisness

THEN COMES

Originally posted by quoejj

AND IT’S WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH AND THEN THIS

Originally posted by lavenus6

AND THIS

Originally posted by redsonja2015

AND I’M JUST

Originally posted by kairat11

I woke up and I saw that Matt reblogged the sketch of this, I was literally screaming.

Two Best Friends Play has helped me through a lot of things and could make me smile when nobody else could. It means so so so much to me that he saw it.

Matt if you see this too, I just want to say that I am so grateful for all the video’s and podcasts you make with Pat, Woolie, and Liam. Without the four of you I would literally not be the same person I am today. You guys are the best! sorry this is so cheesy

Me: I shouldn’t get involved in the casts personal lives. They aren’t their characters and while I think they are super cool, they’re people too and I wouldn’t want public scrutiny on my personal relationships in that situation
My annoying id/emotional side: OOHHHH MY GOD ARE JCJ AND ANTHONY RAMOS MARRIED I AM SCREECHING THEYRE SO BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY IM SO HAPPYFOR THEM (cries)

coldbam  asked:

TOP 5 HARRY THINGS THAT MADE YOU EMOTIONAL THIS YEAR

wow. wow wow wow wow wow. this is some bullshit. THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen, I’ve been too scattered this year to be particularly aware of the VIBE I AM PROJECTING ON THIS BLOG, so I genuinely don’t know how much this Emotional Journey has come across to THE WIDER TUMBLR PUBLIC, but here are descriptions of two specific moments from 2015 that should highlight for you how severely my Harry feelings have progressed this year:

March 11, 2015: I get an ask that mentions, as an aside, that it’s not really clear whether I’m as in love with Harry as I am with the other four, and I contemplate and draft (but never post) an elaborate analogy in which One Direction are all my sons and I love them all and would lie down in traffic for any one of them, but Harry is like my spouse’s teenage son from a previous marriage and it’s just a little bit different because I don’t feel like I have the same read on him that I do on the others.

September 13, 2015: It is the day after OTRA Foxboro and @coldbam and I are driving home after dropping @broofriends off. I try to verbalize that I am going to miss Harry most of all. I have to abruptly stop talking mid-sentence because I am about to burst into tears.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE SIX MONTHS MAKES, AM I RIGHT???????????? FUCKING HELL. I’M FUCKED UP ABOUT HARRY STYLES LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. THIS ANTHROPOMORPHIZED BEAUTY AND THE BEAST WEATHERVANE OF A HUMAN RUINED MY LIFE THIS YEAR.


5. GETTING THE TATTOO ON CORDEN. 

This is one of those things that feels like it’s hard to explain my emotional process on, because it is very tied up in weeks/months of being so constantly fucked up about Harry that one time I teared up over his Instagram. I am just VERY DEEPLY EMOTIONAL about how Harry, the one many people would peg as being the most eager to walk away and go solo and never look back, being so willing to have this stupid, goofy, fun thing that they did together inked on his skin. HOW CAN HE BE MISTAKEN FOR ALOOF AND DETACHED WHEN HE SO EASILY MAKES THE DECISION TO PERMANENTLY CARRY SO MANY REMNANTS OF THIS EXPERIENCE????????


4. HARRY’S TWITTER. I AM A PARODY OF MYSELF, BUT GOD HELP ME, I MEAN IT. REMEMBER WHEN WE SAT IN OUR HOTEL ROOM IN DETROIT AND MANUALLY WENT BACK TWO YEARS IN HIS TWITTER TO FIND THE LAST TIME HE’D TWEETED AT ONE OF THE BOYS, AND THEN MERE HOURS LATER HE TWEETED AT LIAM FOR HIS BIRTHDAY????????? But also I don’t want to create the False Impression that I am just talking about Harry breaking the pattern and being more personal than usual. I LOVE THEM ALL. EVERY LAST “ALL THE LOVE” TWEET. These especially, though.


3. Walking in the Wind and the hug with Louis at the last concert. “SARAH, THOSE THINGS DON’T SEEM RELATED.” Okay, well, take this picture:

And text it to your friends with the caption “WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES DIDN’T WE? WE WORE OUR HEARTS OUT ON OUR SLEEVES” roughly four times a week, AND THEN TELL ME THOSE THINGS DON’T SEEM RELATED. Real talk though, my take on Walking in the Wind is that it’s VERY MUCH Harry’s love song to OT4 and explores all of the extra-relevant-to-Harry ways that distance growing between them is all at once something that’s both inevitable and impossible, and nothing has ever embodied that sentiment more to me than Harry and Louis, two people I had practically NEVER SEEN INTERACT, deciding that in that moment, everything they’ve been through together was more important than all the damage tinhats have done.

There are some things that you can’t lose because they’re a part of you, is what I’m saying.


2. OTRA HARRY AND HARRY’S OTRA SPEECHES IN GENERAL. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE ANY IN PARTICULAR TO ILLUSTRATE, THAT’S A TOP FIVE POST IN AND OF ITSELF, but there is a very specific magic to being in a packed stadium of people and knowing that all of you are Harry’s to command, and it was this more than anything that sent my Harry feelings spiraling out of control this year - it was the TIME TO CONTEMPLATE YOUR OWN MORTALITY experience of knowing they could go on break and never come back, combined with the sheer exposure factor of seeing them six times in two weeks and just constantly living THE FULL HARRY STYLES EXPERIENCE. Harry keeps his distance in a lot of ways and he keeps a lot to himself, but he just does not hold himself back when he’s onstage. He’s there and he’s with you a hundred percent, and there’s something genuinely incredible in how effortlessly he shifts back and forth between large-scale bits like shushing the entire stadium and waiting patiently for everyone to be quiet, small-scale-played-for-large-scale bits like calling out that one girl’s mom for being on the phone during the concert, and genuinely small-scale side interactions with individual members of the crowd. I feel like I know exactly who Harry is when he’s on stage in front of me, because in that moment there is nowhere else either one of us would rather be, and that feeling, more than ANYTHING ELSE, is what I’m going to miss over break.


1. This. “That was the moment where I realized we were on exactly the same page…and that’s when I got really excited about making it.”

On a general OT4/music level, this is already a lot. MITAM is the most cohesive and balanced album they’ve ever made, and it’s so exciting and gratifying to hear that reflected in the way they talk about it, to know that they all wanted the same thing and made it happen together.

But it means SO. MUCH. MORE. to me because it’s Harry saying it, and because of the unspoken possibilities it presents - in the past, has he not always felt like they were all on the same page? And if that’s the case, to what extent did he feel like he was the one on a different page from everyone else? It’s been a big year in fandom for HARRY’S NOT JOINING IN ON NILO’S REINDEER GAMES panic, and while a lot of that’s been overblown I do think it’s reasonable to say that he operates on his own frequency a lot of the time.

On top of that…I feel very differently about December 2015 1D taking a break than I would have felt about December 2014 1D doing the same. A year ago, I don’t think I would have been as certain that they’d want to come back. I don’t think I would have been as certain that they had enough sheer love and enthusiasm and energy for it all to want to come back. And those things that make me believe they want to come back, that Harry wants to come back, have all grown sharper and more tangible to me over the course of the year.

What I’m getting at is that “and that’s when I got really excited” fucking destroys me because it means that there was, necessarily, a time when he wasn’t really excited. And that doesn’t mean he was ever uncommitted or uninvested, but it does make me think that something sparked and solidified for him and for all of them in the process of making this album, and in the course of this year. I think they rediscovered all the things they love about this and all the things they want from this, and I think they did exactly what they set out to do in putting that feeling into the album. I think they all found a lot of clarity this year, and I think Harry rediscovered his place in the band and the band’s place in his life, AND THAT’S WHY I’M FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL REPAIR OVER HARRY STYLES THIS YEAR.