this was more emotional

9

a Fatal_Error has Occurred: Chapter Two - Part 9

The Beginning - Chapter One

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:’)

Who’s ready for the chapter finale next week?

I’m in love with that last page.

Also just want to make this clear: the text on pages 5, 6, and the top of page 8 are MEANT to be difficult to read. Near impossible to understand. He says stuff, sure, but it’s more of a visual display of his emotional state. You can pick at it if you’d like, but it’s more for visual and emotional effect. Since ya’ll are smart cookies, I’m gonna not answer people’s questions about those pages being ‘too hard to read’, since I’m sure everyone here has read this little blurb and hence, no one’s gonna ask about it, I’m sure ;)


Aftertale, Errortale, GenoSans and ErrorSans belongs to @loverofpiggies!

Underswap belongs to @popcornpr1nce!


Having trouble reading the text? You can read a transcript of just the dialogue over here.

I think facebook messenger has some of the best smiley emojis out there. they’re so soft and cartoon-y. they look very friendly and convey the emotion they’re meant to. we need more emojis like Facebook messenger

everchangingotps  asked:

Hi! I want to draw people with a lot of emotion captured, but I don't really know how to do it so that the viewer feels something. I want to show more emotion, I guess? (This was really unclear, I know :0) Thank you so much!

What a great question, @everchangingotps​!

I think studying anatomy helps a lot. Facial muscles are a bit complex, and they move in different ways to make the frowns and smiles happen!

Here’s a few great resources I found:


If you liked this post, please consider reblogging this post so more artists can see it! 

Also it would mean the world to me if you checked out my art at @astrikos

Thank you for your continued support! 

pranconyperkins  asked:

My question pertains to the supposed conflict between body positivity and transitioning. To be specific: I’m a trans guy, pre-everything but keen to transition, and I have a gender-fluid friend who is very much against it. Her viewpoint is that to do so is to succumb to one’s symptoms (dysphoria) rather than to accept oneself in a more ‘natural,’ body-positive way. Do you think having body positivity is mutually exclusive with wanting to transition? Is it exclusive with having dysphoria? Thanks.

I must admit, this is a question I spent some time torturing myself about! In general, I strongly believe avoiding negative emotions is no recipe for success. On the contrary, there is good evidence that mental health and life satisfaction is tied to being able to experience and not run from the difficult feelings as well as the positive ones. In fact, what we tend to find is that the more you avoid a specific emotion, the more in the end you will feel that emotion. For example, if you are afraid of spiders, running away each time you see one will make this fear worse. Instead, if you don’t want to live in fear of spiders, you must experience the fear of hanging out with one. (Find a friendly one, ideally :) )

So was undergoing a physical transition an example of unhealthy emotional avoidance, I asked myself? I didn’t want to be someone who would run from the difficult stuff. And if it was avoidance, wouldn’t logic tell me that it wouldn’t really help with my dysphoria anyway?

Well, we have some research now that answers this question. We find that for people who feel a desire to transition physically (and of course this isn’t all trans people, but for those who do), they see broad mental health benefits from doing so – with decreases in depression, eating disorders, and suicidality, and increases in body satisfaction. Further, they experience these improvements even if it doesn’t change how others perceive their gender, indicating physical transition can improve one’s relationship with their own body regardless of what the world thinks. Given these positive outcomes, I have to conclude that choosing to physically transition is different from choosing to avoid negative emotions.

Finally, I can also personally say that transitioning did not at all end up feeling like “succumbing” to anything, but instead felt like embracing a path that was challenging in its own right, but immensely gratifying in sum. And to be clear, there will always be aspects of my body that I cannot change in the ways I’d like, so gender dysphoria never fully disappeared anyway, but with it so much diminished, I can focus my attention on other more important aspects of life which I value.

You will have to make your own decision about what and when feels right to you. But for many people including myself, body positivity and transition have gone together, and are not at all at odds.

I hope your friend will support you regardless of what you decide is right for you. You know, it wasn’t that long ago that we pressured all trans people to “fully” transition, and I know this still happens in certain spheres. I think it is super important that folks who don’t feel that physical transition is right for them, regardless of the reason, are not judged and still fully affirmed, respected, and celebrated in the trans/nb community. But I similarly I believe it is crucial that we don’t judge those who do have a need to transition for accessing that care. This is not cosmetic surgery we are talking about. This is care that has been life-giving for many.

HONORABLE MENTION | No fan of The Walking Dead can say that the long-awaited reunion of besties Carol and Daryl didn’t live up to its promise. When he showed up unexpectedly on her doorstep, her portrayer Melissa McBride‘s face registered, in an instant, more emotions than we can even name. But it was after Carol explained her painful decision to leave Alexandria, so as to save her soul by stopping killing, that the actress really blew us away. Her eyes filling with tears unbidden, she showed us how desperately afraid Carol was to ask if the Saviors had retaliated for the attack on their outpost. When Daryl said that everyone back home was OK, McBride’s expression of relief was so palpable that, for a minute, even we believed her pal’s beautiful lie.
—  Performers of the Week by TVLine (source)

Edgedancer Chapter 19

“I failed weeks ago,” Nale said. “I knew it then. Oh, God. God the Almighty. It has returned!”
“I’m sorry,” Lift said.
He looked to her, face lit red by the continuous lightning, tears mixing with the rain.
“You actually are,” he said, then felt at his face. “I wasn’t always like this. I am getting worse, aren’t I? It’s true.”
“I don’t know,” Lift said. And then, by instinct, she did something she would never have thought possible.
She hugged Darkness.
He clung to her, this monster, this callous thing that had once been a Herald. He clung to her and wept in the storm.

That scene! Actually this is for the emoji challenge, but it turns out to be far more emotional than I once expected. So there =)

Business Dinner (Jay Park Smut)

Originally posted by clubeskimo

Requested

POV: First

Genre: Smut

Soft and passionate; no kinks

Admin: Nari

A/N: This is a little different from what was originally requested, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

A frown turned my lips downward as I glared at my phone screen. It was the night before Valentine’s Day and while most girls were all giddy to spend time with their significant other, my boyfriend and I were texting each other about having to celebrate it late due to busy schedules.

Keep reading

little things about my son that make me emotional pt 2

 - actually a pretty decent artist. I mean, just look at his drawings in the journal, he’s no slouch there.
 - perfectly okay with remaining friends with his crush when she turned him down. yeah, he was hurt and disappointed nothing romantic happened between him and wendy but was he gonna stop hanging out with her? nah man. she was cool about it and he was cool about it and they were still friends.
 - was attacked by a ten year old with a pair of lamb shears. was it a murder attempt? was he just gonna cut out his tongue? either way, it wouldn’t have been pretty.
 - had his body taken over by a demon who then proceeded to physically abuse his body like dang the poor kid. and he only got his body back because of some quick thinking on his and his sisters’ parts like can you even imagine seeing your body go about its business like that with no way to tell people that’s not you?
 - so determined. once he sets his mind on something he ain’t stopping until he accomplishes it and heaven help anyone standing in his way.

Is there anything more sad and beautiful than this? Every time Vigil explains what happened I get this whole “fuck this story is so EPIC” feeling. 
It’s like that lighting of the beacons scene in LOTR, my reaction is just “woah”  

A message was sent across the network. To any survivors out there, to say they’re not alone. That there is still hope. A message to the galaxy, at their own cost. And centuries later, Saren and Shepard both found it. And Vigil tells Shepard that they didn’t completely fail if it brought Shepard on Ilos. 

From ME1 to ME3 the message has always been you can count on others, you don’t have to survive on your own. together you will fight and win

(And I’m so happy that this theme that is so Mass Effect is still going to be used in MEA. We kinda need to hear this lately…. Like no, we’re not better off alone, it’s by sticking together that we will create a change)

anonymous asked:

How would GOM + Kagami react when they find out that their s/o parents didnt like them?

Kuroko would be taken by surprise and would ask his partner if they knew the reason. He would try to change, perhaps in showing a bit more emotions and trying not to scare when he is close. But if it continued, he would face them and try to understand their reason.

Kise would be shocked, because who doesn’t like him? His partner’s parents would be the first to actually show dislike to him and would be concerned because he doesn’t want them to hate/dislike him. He would worry a lot and would be very careful with what he says and how he acts when they are around.

Midorima would be puzzled. He knows he is more…stoic and looks irritable, but that is just his face. He would talk with his partner and would try not to have any Oha Asa item with him if that is the reason they don’t like him.

Aomine knows he isn’t very likable by his partner’s parents, but it can still frustrate him if they clearly tell him he wasn’t the right for them. Even though he tries to be quiet, he wouldn’t be able to and said that he knows clearly he has faults just like every other person. He doesn’t like being talked down by someone who doesn’t know him.

Murasakibara would hardly give any thought or response to that, but it would still annoy him if he hears that often. He would try to not eat so many snacks and try to look like a teenager should, but once he was alone with his partner, he would go back to his snacks, eating twice as much.

Akashi would know that someone is definitely going to be against his relationship and he expected his father, so he was mildly surprised when in fact it was his partner’s. He would be very calm and listen to their reason before speaking what he has in mind. He would careful with his words, but would still hold a certain edge.

Kagami would be flustered and worried, because he knows why they might dislike him but at the same time he doesn’t. It would be very conflicting for him and would often be on edge trying to “impress” them every now and then, but I think eventually he would confront them that he loves his partner and wouldn’t change if they didn’t want him to.

Some headcanons about Oswald and Ed’s childhoods/earlier lives, and then of their lives together.

(the childhood sections are both pretty depressing, and Ed’s in particular has some details of ableism and emotional and physical abuse)

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

WHo do you think says I love you first kaz or inej

ooohhhh omg tbh i have a feeling that it might be kaz who says it first. Because although inej is the more emotional of the two, she keeps her heart well guarded. I get the feeling that her deepest emotions are almost private.
Besides, i think that she is very careful of not imposing on people or making them feel like they are forced to say or do anything. Her past experiences have taught her to value her own agency and so she respects the need for that in others.
As far as the situation goes, i think it is probably in a moment of vulnerability. Kaz is maybe half-asleep or has just had to stomach misfortune in his business ventures, etc. and he sees inej leave. He’s seen it often enough and understood it, too, but just then it was too much. He needed her there with him and so he would quietly say something along the lines of “i need you to stay with me. please. i love you.” And inej would freeze, but she’d be glad he’d said it. I feel like that would be a turning point in their relationship.
Inej wouldn’t say it back right away, i think. She would wait for a time when it feels right for her.

So a lot of my posts the past year on here have been very “depression/anxiety” focused in a vague way. I wrote this entire thing out for myself to be able to process it and move on and since I’m working on being more open about my emotions, I thought I’d post it here. If you’re crazy enough to read through this ENORMOUS thing, go ahead.

About a year ago I met a guy online through instagram. He followed me and I looked at his feed, instantly saw he was extremely handsome and had a ton of nerdy interests in common with me, so I shot him a message. We immediately got to flirting and in a few hours had exchanged numbers and other social media. We hit it off right away and I was so smitten by him that I offered to fly him to New York with a flight deal that happened to be available at the time (This sounds crazy from my point of view but I really felt like I had a very strong attraction to him and I wanted to see if anything could happen, it was worth it to me because I don’t feel like this about people often). He accepted and seemed really excited. We keep texting for a few weeks and he ends up getting a new job at a bar. One day he texts me and tells me that unfortunately because of his new job he won’t be able to visit me anymore because he can’t get the time off, but that he would pay me back (which he did). I’m crushed and dig further because I felt like there was something else, and he tells me that he’s not feeling interested in me the way we were when we first met a few weeks ago. I’m upset as this is a trend that happens to me a lot, people initially being interested and within a few weeks not finding me attractive anymore. I still don’t know why it happens.

We text a lot less in the coming weeks but he does like me as a friend so we still send funny stuff back and forth, stuff to do with our mutual interests, or just chatting about our day. Over the next few months I notice he’s getting flirty again and eventually he tells me that he wants to take that trip to NY and that he’d pay for it this time. I don’t feel like I have anything to lose and I still have feelings for him (although we’ve been chatting for 4 months or so at this point and still haven’t met) so I agree. He’s only coming for a few days because he can’t get a lot of time off, so I start to schedule tons of fun stuff for us to do and make sure he gets to see as much of the city as possible. I start to get really excited and I’m putting a ton of effort into making sure everything goes well.

About two weeks before the trip, he texts me and says he has something to tell me. He met someone and now they’re dating. He says he will still come but it would be just as friends. I’m crushed but am not ready to just let go of everything. I had already bought tickets to a broadway show as a surprise and had an amazing weekend lined up that I had spent countless hours planning. In my head I thought maybe if the trip went really well he would realize what a catch I am and choose me. The next two weeks are filled with turmoil as I watch his social media fill up with pictures and posts about his new boyfriend. The thought occurred to me over and over that he was going to bail on the trip, although he never outright said anything to make me think that so I kept hope. The night before he’s supposed to arrive he sends me a text about how it’s going to sound like he’s faking it, but he’s feeling sick. I have huge doubts and just tell him that I really really hope he makes it because I have a lot planned. The next day comes and in the morning he says he has a fever and is so sick he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to make the flight. I beg and plead for him to try, and reveal that I paid for the broadway tickets. He responds saying that he took some medication and is going to do his best. A few minutes later I get a phone call from him saying he’s lost his debit card and there’s no way for him to make it. I totally break down on the phone and tell him I won’t be able to talk to him for a while. I reach out to friends and have someone else visit me for the week to console me and do the things I had planned, and go to the musical with me. Throughout that week he tells me it was strep throat, and sends me pictures of him in the hospital and with visible scarlet fever to assure me that he wasn’t faking it. If it wasn’t for those pictures there is no way I would have believed him.

We text infrequently for the next month, but eventually he starts sending me texts about how his boyfriend is neglectful and a narcissist and doesn’t make him feel loved. I have mixed emotions as I still care about him and don’t want to see him in pain, but am still resentful that he got into a relationship only 2 weeks before coming to see me and sort of felt that he deserved for it to not work out. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive. A few more weeks and he texts me at 6am in a panic. He tells me his boyfriend physically assaulted him at a bar. I’m furious and helpless. I’m mad at his decisions but know I can’t take it out on him in this situation, and there’s nothing I can do from so far away. I try to console him and make sure he has a support system. He tells me that there’s no way he’s ever going back to this guy and that he’s blocked him on everything and had him banned from the bar he works at. I’m angry and sad for him but simultaneously feel justified that his relationship crashed and burned so spectacularly, and that he chose someone who would treat him so terribly over me. The next week he seems very shaken up and I regularly check in to ask how he’s doing. He tells me the (now ex) boyfriend is doing everything possible to get in contact with him, including sending him emails and waiting outside his apartment complex. I’m very concerned but don’t know how to help.

A week after this I notice a snapchat from him that has a person cut off that looks like his ex. I figure it must just me some other guy. A few hours later the snapchat is mysteriously gone. At this point I’m totally sure it was the guy and that they must be hanging out again. My fears are confirmed in the following days where there are more social media posts slyly showing that they are back together (Him with his boyfriends dog, him in his boyfriends car, they were friends again on Facebook). At no point does he admit to me over text that they are back together, and I stop responding entirely, angry that he hasn’t admitted this to me, concerned he’s going to be abused again, and unsure of how to bring this up.

I was in the dark for a while so I still don’t know what happened here. They did not continue to hang out or date, but I never asked for specifics.

Once it became clear they were no longer in contact, we started texting again as friends. The usual pattern happened and after a few months this time (around september) he became flirty again. He would send me thirst pics and me still finding him so attractive it was hard to resist. He talks about how he learned a lot from this past relationship and how he’s never going to make a mistake like that again. In October he hints that there’s a music festival he’s excited about in December and jokes that I should go. I say I’m actually available that weekend and would make the trip. For the next two months we text constantly and even count down the days until my visit. He seems as excited as I am and I’m really happy to finally get to meet this guy in person, even though he’s caused me so much grief. I have high hopes that when he meets me he’ll see how dedicated and thoughtful I am and recognize how well I would treat him in a relationship and all the good things I have to offer.

December comes and I land in Houston around midnight. He picks me up at the airport, it’s slightly weird at first to see each other in person but we get comfortable quick. We’re back at his place and pretty soon we start kissing and spend the night cuddling. The next few days for me feel magical. I have a stronger attraction to him than anyone else I’ve ever met, mentally and physically. We hold hands constantly and are super affectionate with each other. I have some social anxiety issues so being in a new state with someone I’ve really just met in person makes me a little reserved around his friends and in public, but I feel very comfortable with him. We go to the music festival and although the music isn’t really my taste, I have an amazing time because I’m with him. The first day I agree to try a weed edible with him (I don’t really smoke) and end up having a really bad anxiety and paranoia trip, but he stays by me the whole time and waits with me for several hours until it passes. I’m drained after this experience but we walk around, listen to a few more acts and then go home. The next day I feel a little fried and have some leftover anxiety from the experience, but am excited to spend another day together. We go to the second day of the festival and he’s super excited because a bunch of his favourites are playing this day. We split a molly between us which helped a lot with my lingering anxiety and let me loosen up and dance for a few hours as we watched his favourite artists. I have a really good time and we dance closely while kissing the whole night. He’s very sweet and seems very into me. He takes my baseball cap and turns it backwards, saying he likes it better on me this way. The artists play later than expected and by the time it’s done most of the festival has cleared out. We walk around the exhibits (it was an art + music festival) holding hands and taking cool pictures of ourselves in front of the art. We go home and have really good sex. He seems very attracted to me and reacts strongly to the smallest touch. I feel like I found my perfect match, everything meshes perfectly, our personalities fit, I’m attracted to him both in a loving way and in a sexual way and he seems to feel the same. We wake up the next day and there’s an air of sadness because we know I’m heading home the following day. We keep the day pretty low key, chilling at home. Later he invites one of his friends over and we all go out to eat. We talk about making plans for that night but we decide to chill at home and enjoy each others company before I have to leave in the morning. We spend one last night cuddling, sleeping late until we basically have to get up and go directly to the airport. He had mentioned wanting to play Pokemon so I offered to leave my nintendo DS with my Pokemon Moon on it here for him until the next time I visit and he accepts. He pays for us to park in a parking garage and walks me all the way to where I have to check in. I tell him how much I love him and assure him that I’ll fly back really soon or that he can come to new york any time. When it comes time to go through security he starts to tear up so I hold him close and ask him if I can call him my boyfriend. He says yeah. We have a long hug and I say goodbye for now.

45 minutes later I’m on the plane and he texts me that he misses me. I’m glowing, it’s been 5 years since I was in a relationship and am so happy that this trip worked out better than I could have dreamed. I’m validated that once meeting me in person he saw what we could be together and am just overwhelmed with the love I feel for him and have high hopes for our future. I’m already planning for when I can come back.

He texts me all day during my flights as usual and talks about feeling down that I’m not around anymore. For the next few days we text each other a lot, we send each other goodnights with lots of heart emojis and I feel like this long distance thing would work for me as long as I could fly down for a week every month or two. I ask him if it’s okay for me to book a flight at the end of January to come and see him, and that I can arrange to work from his apartment remotely. I tell him there’s no need to take time off, I just want to be able to spend more time around him in person and he reacts positively and says sure. Out of confidence I book the cheaper nonrefundable flights for the last week of January. I tell my mom that I’m dating someone (because she stalks me and is going to wonder why I’m flying to Texas), and being a huge gossip she tells my whole family, stalks him on Facebook and sends photos to everyone.

In the following days he texts less and less, and I start to feel like I’m the one initiating every interaction. I start to get a bit paranoid but assure myself that because the week trip went so well, he let me book another flight to see him, and he agreed to be my boyfriend, I’m just overthinking it and he probably just doesn’t want to spend all his time texting. Then two full days go by with no texts at all and I start to freak out. My mind goes through all the possibilities. I consider that it might be something else in his life that is distracting him, so I send a concerned message about how he’s been quiet and if everything is okay.

The next day I’m at the airport (I flew to my visit my family for christmas after leaving texas) to go home to New York, and while waiting to go through security with my mom and some family that came with me to the airport, I get a long and sudden text from him. The text says that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t think of me romantically, he can’t make himself think of me in a sexual way anymore, doesn’t think we’re a good personality fit, and that he sees me more as a really good friend. He says we’re very different people and that he’s attracted to more outgoing people who exude confidence and are the life of the party, and says that I am very shy and timid in public. He also talks about how me being there opened up a “slutty” phase in him and now he thinks he might be polyamorous.

I’m in total shock and panic. I’m devastated and surrounded by family. I go completely catatonic and am not able to eat my lunch. I have to tell my mom what happened while I frantically text him back trying to understand what is happening, desperate to fix it. I ask him why he didn’t lead on that he felt this way, why he let me leave my DS with him, why he let me buy the plane tickets, why he agreed to be my boyfriend, and he comes back saying he wanted me to have a good trip after the way he treated me in the past and he felt he owed me that. I’m absolutely heartbroken and can’t believe he thought this was a good idea or the right thing to do. He said he felt pressured when I asked him to be my boyfriend and didn’t want to upset me. I’m so confused because I am 100% sure he was very sexually into me, and him suddenly not being able to think of me that way seems like a lie. What I thought was a magical week was not real and what I thought was my first relationship in 5 years was completely fake and out of pity. I have to go through security and leave my mom, who is now crying because she knows how hurt I am and doesn’t know when the next time she’ll see me is. We hug, she tells me I don’t need anyone to make me happy, and I agree even though I don’t really believe it at the moment.

I continue texting, prying for answers, trying to find out if any of it was real, wanting to feel any emotional relief before my plane takes off and I’ll be without service for 2 hours. My mind is rushing a mile a minute through everything that happened and questioning how I didn’t pick up on any of his real feelings. I cry for the entire 2 hour flight.

The flight takes longer than expected and when I land I find I have missed my connection and that the alternative they booked me on requires me to spend all night in the airport in Ottawa. I’m the most emotionally drained I’ve ever been and I’m about to be pushed to my physical limit as well. I wanted to sedate myself so that I didn’t have to feel anything but I was forced to stay awake until my flight at 6:30am in an empty airport with only myself and my thoughts about what happened. I’m still unable to eat anything and I don’t feel safe sleeping in the airport. I fall asleep for an hour and have a paranoid dream about being mugged. I continuously try to text him throughout the night but my tone is getting angry about the situation and he doesn’t have anything left to say.

When it comes time to check in for my flight, the airline informs me because of the rescheduling they have no idea where my bag is and they can’t let me on the flight until it’s located. The thought of losing my belongings and possibly having to wait several more hours in the airport in this condition freaks me out and causes me to feel faint and throw up on the airport floor. I hadn’t eaten all day so it was mostly water but obviously people were concerned and staff sat me down and asked if I needed medical help and if I had any conditions. I just tell them I haven’t slept or eaten, they give me water and I pretend to be fine.

At the last minute they locate my bag and I’m able to catch my flight by a hair. I fly to New York, cab back to my apartment and get into bed by 10am, totally exhausted. As soon as I get into bed and relax I immediately start sobbing until I fall asleep and spend the next 24 hours drifting in and out of sleep.

It’s been four days since then and besides physically forcing myself out of bed a few times, I spend most of my time taking medication with drowsiness side effects so that I can sleep as much as possible. I still have no appetite and will often make it through the day on half a slice of pizza or a candy bar. I have no sex drive and can’t imagine myself ever being interested in someone else at the moment. Not having him in my life feels like I’m in withdrawal from a drug. Tomorrow is the first day of work after the holidays and I’m nervous about being able to function.

I’m trying to cut off contact with him completely but even after all this I don’t want to let go. I’m not texting him now but I want to every minute and I try to think of appropriate reasons that I could. It’s so rare for me to feel anything this strong for someone that I’m skeptical if it will ever happen again which makes me feel hopeless. And if I ever did have these same feelings for someone, it seems very likely the same rejection would happen again.

I feel like most people would think I’m crazy for being so attached to someone I only met in person for a week, but I think you’d be surprised what kind of connections can be made online with enough time and effort. Only posting this as a release and a way to document exactly what happened over the past year so I can look at it as a whole.

Edit: A few days after this he finally texted me to ask me how I was doing and apologize for how he lead me on. He seems to know he hurt me but not understand the full extent. He says he has something to tell me and that he’s been hiding his abusive relationship from me and he is still with the other guy in secret and that most of his friends don’t know about it because he’s ashamed to tell anyone. He says he’s stuck in the relationship and feels trapped with him because he keeps going back. This makes a little more sense to me and I realize he never loved me and was always just obsessed with his feelings for this other guy. It doesn’t help however, and actually makes me feel more depressed and hopeless. He gives me the same line he’s said before about how it’s over this time though and he’s cutting him out of his life. I do my usual thing where I put my problems out of sight and try to talk to him about this relationship and why he can’t get out of it if he doesn’t feel it’s healthy. He tells me that he was hoping me visiting would have helped him get over the abusive guy, but it didn’t. I’m an idiot and I know I have the flights for later in the month that he let me book, so I ask if he would be okay with me using them to come down so we could talk through everything in person so I can get the closure I need and he can answer all of my questions about the things he did to me and why he did them. He says that sounds fine to him.

The next few days he texts me a little about how the abusive ex keeps calling him and is very persistent, meanwhile I continue to spend my time in a deep depression, just trying to regain my appetite or be able to go to work. Texting is very sporadic and sparse for the next few weeks. He occasionally will message me something he’d think I’d like, we talk a little about trivial things like comics and anime but it doesn’t go anywhere. Just hearing from him gives me the endorphins I need to get by while I’m feeling so down.

Eventually one night he texts me out of the blue and says he’s realized he’s a homophobic narcissist and he has a lot to work on, and apologizes for what he did to me again. He said he realized he doesn’t usually treat people well and disappoints a lot of his friends. He talks about how he lies a lot and that he doesn’t really care about many people and that he doesn’t care about me although he wish I did. This this me very hard. Even after all this I still honestly thought he did care about me. At least in some capacity. I’m devastated.

I remind him that my plane tickets are for next week and I was going to use them to visit and talk. He says he forgot I was coming and assumed I had changed my mind and is no longer comfortable with me staying with him and doesn’t think it’s good for either of us (My flight is for an entire week because when I booked it I was hoping to spend as much time with him as possible). He tells me I’m seeming very desperate and it’s degrading to myself to still be so needy and that closure isn’t a privilege everyone gets to have. He says I’m not actually in love with him but I’m in love with the idea of being in love with him. This doesn’t resonate with me and seems very off the mark. My feelings feel very real to me. He ends up telling me that I can come but I have to get a hotel.

The conversation progresses into me digging more specifically into all the questions I have about how he could have acted that way when we met in person but actually not have been interested in me, why he agreed to be my boyfriend, why he let me buy the plane tickets, why he let me loan him my DS if he didn’t think we were ever going to meet again, and why he continued to flirt and say he missed me after I went home.

The answers are getting closer to making sense but still I’m shocked that someone would lie to me like that just to make a situation easier or less awkward. He did not feel the same spark for me that he felt for his abusive boyfriend (although he claims to not talk to him anymore at this point and that he’s no longer hung up on him).

I tell him I wish he did not do these things and how I’m still struggling to eat and live my life through the depression several weeks later. This makes him say that me reacting this way makes him even more sure that he made the right decision to not be with me and that he doesn’t need another guy in his life with issues that he needs to check up on.

I become determined to go back to Houston on my own terms and have a good time there without him. When I arrive I let him know I’m there to plan a time for us to have a talk in person but I know he doesn’t want to see me even though I’m there for an entire week. I go out to a few bars and meet some people. I’m feeling better than I have in a few weeks and have a little bit of confidence in myself for being able to make this trip.

During one of the first days he tells me we can meet up to have dinner. I’m waiting outside and when I see him pull up I immediately feel very overwhelmed by seeing him. We order and sit for a few hours while I uncomfortably try to get any closure or sense out of his actions from him. He reveals to me that he is back with the abusive boyfriend and actually just came from his apartment before meeting me. He says he loves him and they have great chemistry and he doesn’t see the relationship ending any time soon. At this point something in me breaks and I realize he’s just never going to get out of this and although it hurts, there is no getting through to him about this and he will always go back no matter how confidently he tells me he won’t. The entire time he has a strange mood about him, as if he’s trying purposely to act mean so that I won’t like him anymore. It feels stilted and very different from the guy I spent a week with the month before. I get the feeling he is frustrated with me and just ready for me to be out of his life so he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore. When our dinner is over I basically have the answers I was looking for, but they’re pretty much as bad as they could have been. His feelings were fake, he let me book flights, etc. because he didn’t know how to tell me not to and felt awkward about it, he agreed to be my boyfriend because he felt pressured, he was obsessed with his “ex” the entire time and could never really devote any actual love to me because of it, and he kept me around for so long because he liked that I always gave him the attention he craved.

As we’re leaving, the finality of the situation makes me start to cry and as he’s driving me back to my hotel I’m in a full hysterical sob. He drops me off and I feel all too aware that I won’t ever see him again.

It’s been almost a month now and we don’t really have any contact. I haven’t been sending him anything and he hasn’t sent anything to me. I don’t know how he’s doing, or where he is with the abusive guy. I don’t know if he thinks about me at all or if he’s glad to be rid of me and has totally moved on. Despite still feeling upset about this, this past month after returning from the second Houston trip I’ve been doing very well and am back on track with my life better than ever. I’m working through my anxiety issues, taking tons of opportunities I would have been too anxious to agree to, meeting lots of new people and catching up with old friends, I got a raise at work, I’ve been working out regularly and putting on some mass, discovering new music and pursuing new interests I was afraid to try previously. I’ve been learning to meditate and I should be starting therapy very soon.

So that’s the very very very very long story of why I’ve been up and down all year and how I’m doing currently.