I notice that a lot of the headlines from the St. Louis Post Dispatch are from 1908. Is this just the year you've been looking at lately, or was 1908 an especially crazy year for Missouri?
I’m just going through every day in 1908 in the St Louis Post-Dispatch at the moment. There wasn’t really any rhyme or reason for it, I’m sure what happened was I did a general search for something in all the papers I have access to, and found a good headline there, and then looked around the page I was on and thought “hey, this is all great!” and I haven’t stopped since, haha.
There’s a lot of great stuff in the St Louis Post-Dispatch from 1895 - 1910, and I think I’ll keep going (forward and backwards) but I figured I didn’t want to miss anything, so I’d stick with 1908 until the end of it’s year.
I had a dream about Seb which legit never happens.
Like Anthony Mackie and I were on the Martian set and the three of us were watching tv (idk why like what??) and I keep laughing at Seb because he was on a laptop doing stuff like googling stupid stuff and typing like an old person lol.
And Anthony kept looking at me like “wtf are you laughing at?” Because I was fucking dyingggg! And Seb kept turning around and making stupid faces at me haha!
It was going great until I looked down and realized it was pregnant???? Then I woke up to my mom screaming at me kms.
The dog and the boy were the same size for a long time but now the boy is slightly larger. It’s getting harder to hold both of them on my lap. But this morning, they both sat on my lap giving me kisses on my face and it was sweet (real kisses for the boy instead of licking me like the dog, let the record show.)
Parenting is great sometimes. Other times it is hard haha.
To me, you are very impressive for your age! I have a younger sister your age and she barely knows how to remember a password to anything on a computer haha. I find you have great skills already, and you will only get better, I bet if you were a sim you would have the genius trait! Haha anyways, Have a great day! (sorry was not really a question)
Don’t apologize to me sweetheart, there’s no reason to! Aww thank you ;—; these mean a lot to me <3 But for sure I wouldn’t have the genius trait! I can’t even solve a simple maths exercise D: I hope you’re having an amazing day too hun! Ilysm <3
Ah I love Australia, even tho I've never been there but I wish i could go there one day. Do you like living there? :) (here we go again with the great question - but i'm honestly interested haha) Yes and its not that bad, but it is still not your bed, so you never really sleep as good as you would at home. Also the kids can be annoying shits and keep you awake the whole night :DD haha
Lmao I think kids secretly want to piss people who are older than them and they know they’re being annoying lol (but I love lil kids omg, they’re adorable). I’ve lived in Australia pretty much my entire life so I’m kinda destined to like it? I think so anyway haha, it’s pretty cool. Ah, it’d be really cool if you came here though! If you do decide coming one day, do yourself a favour and come during winter lmfao. Summer will burn you into a puddle honestly.
I found this in my notes since I got this saved in there for like forever, so I thought I would post that today, I really hope you like this x It’s something completely different to normal I guess haha x
“Well the drugs did feel great when they were rushing through me. Finally getting to my mind and making me forget about the bullshit I was wanting so bad to escape from” i said.
Meanwhile I was studying the boy in front of me he had light brown hair and baby blue eyes which looked as deep as the ocean i would sometimes look at him from across the room, not as creepy as it sounded. Or that he noticed of course. He always seemed quiet, never one to really communicate with people here. I did talk with him from then and there since he was the only one my age most of the other ones were older then us or surprisingly young so we got along pretty good. But I only ever saw him here and haven’t ever really talked outside of here with him. I haven’t found out yet why he did drugs through yet. But then again I didn’t really communicate either and I probably seemed quiet here too. I did not trust people especially the ones here we were all here for one reason and one reason only because we had been drug addicted.
And even through I told myself I would never end up going to a support group I did. I told myself I would never do drugs too and see where I ended up. But that was another story and I wanted to hear the one from Antoine in front of me. He had something about him that got me really interested in him since the first time I saw him here. Today we were paired up in a group to tell us how the drugs felt. I thought it would be difficult to talk about them but it wasn’t. Not at all. Mostly because i was done with them. And i did not feel the need to take them anymore as months ago. I did good on my own. There really wasn’t anyone helping me besides my psychologist, she encouraged me and told me to go to the support group. I didn’t wanted to at first, only crazy people went there and I was not crazy, but who was I?
I didn’t really know anymore. I destroyed myself as much as there barely was anything left of the old me. But I wasn’t the only one doing the damage here, he did too. You started all of this. You were the only reason i even started the drugs. Funny thing that you hated nothing more than drugs maybe that was the reason i did them in the first place. You cheated on me treated me like shit, hit me did everything horrible to me there was to do. And I tolerated it for the longest time, i don’t even know why. I should have ended things with you earlier. I guess i was just so afraid. Afraid of dying, afraid you would hurt me as much to as I was going to die.
And as finally one of my old friends stepped in he did broke up with me and it was good it was what i needed all along. but after the real mess started I started to get wasted. I was heartbroken and thought an enough amount of alcohol could help me. Well it didn’t I soon realized that so I tried drugs. First only once or twice a month or per week but soon enough I did them every day. I became addicted to the drugs like I did to him. And as much as it was destroying me I loved it. The drugs made me feel something again. But it was getting out of hand and i did realize that too. Or more one of my friends did she was one of the only ones i still had. the other ones left me while things became hard. guess they weren’t real ones at all. So i went to a psychologist. started to work on myself, for myself . went here and got better and slowly I was getting a normal life back.
“they did make me forget. they took me to another world. where i wasn’t the looser i am” he said and looked up to me.
He was so rare and I tried to read his face expression trying to understand what he was going through what he was feeling but I couldn’t read it at all. I wanted to help him, it was weird, I didn’t really knew anything about him, yet I didn’t wanted him to go through any kind of pain. I wanted hm to be okay. He was wearing a facade not really showing the real him or the him that was left of him.
“for how long did you do drugs?” I asked. I wanted to know everything about his story.
“i stopped before it would be too late. but i don’t exactly remember when i started. i shouldn’t have started at all” he chuckled shaking his head and I nodded. yeah if only I knew earlier what a damage I could have missed by not taking them.
“if you don’t mind me asking. how did you got in to drugs? what made you take them?” he asked and his eyebrows furrowed together.
“it’s a long story if you have time?” I asked hoping he would say yes. it felt good having someone who was willing to listen to me and hear about my story going through the same. without thinking i’m crazy.
“i do” he said and gave me a small smile.
The leader of our support group had ended today’s session and we made our way out.
“there’s a small coffee shop over there if you want to grab some?” he said and nodded in the direction.
i just nodded and followed him as he was leading me into the small shop. barely someone was in here but it looked cozy. he ordered two coffees and grabbed both of them walking over to a couch and sitting down handing you one of the cups. he gestured me to start my story and i sighed taking a sib before starting.
“i’m making it short. well i was in a relationship and we did end things and i tried forgetting him with alcohol but it did not work out so i did try drugs and they finally made me forgot.” i said and nodded.
I haven’t told anyone else beside my psychologist about it. who should I tell anyways? it’s not like someone was there and would care. But it did feel great to finally tell someone how I felt.
“did you love him?” he asked.
meeting my eyes and if it would be anyone else i would probably feel uncomfortable with his gaze but not with him. maybe it was that he was going through the same kind like i do.
“i did for a while”
“and did he love you?”
“i guess. he always told me the things he did were because of love, because he loved me. he put me through hell and i called it love” i said and my voice was barely more than a whisper but i’m sure he understood me because as soon as i looked up with a few tears falling out of my eyes his eyes softened and they almost looked like worry. but then again he was difficult to read.
“i’m sorry i did not want to remind you of what has happened. i just thought it would help you to talk about it” he said and put a hand on my leg squeezing it comfortably.
“don’t worry. it does help. there was just a lot happening which i’m still trying to forget” i said nodding and trying not to cry more.
i didn’t wanted to cry anymore, i was frustrated that i was still crying when i was telling it. that it still hurt me so much when it shouldn’t anymore. i should finally let it go.
“but enough of me. it’s your turn now” i said and nodded at him and he starred at me for a moment before sighing.
“well my story is completely different.” he said and chuckled slightly.
“you probably don’t know much about football do you?”
“football? uhm no not really” i said and shrugged.
“well i used to be a professional footballer.”
“did you play for any famous team?” i asked i did knew some football teams but i did know any of their footballers or watched any games at all.
“well do you know Atlético Madrid? i used to play for them”
“wow yeah i do know them. what happened?”
i did know Atlético Madrid. it was my dads favorite football team. He used to tell me so many stuff about them and had a few posters hanging on his walls when I still talked to him and was still home. but that was years ago and I haven’t seen him or anyone from my family in general since. it all ended in a fight and if that wouldn’t be all enough the fight was because of my ex boyfriend they knew he wasn’t the one they told me to break things off. but i was too naive back then i thought he was the one thought it would stay like this forever. well it didn’t and they were right but they told me to not come back if it didn’t turn out. so i haven’t called them again and they haven’t tried. and as much as i sometimes missed them i grew used to it.
“well there was just so much pressure you know? i was one of the best ones there not to praise myself or anything just. i needed to play in every game. there were barely any breaks and as much as i loved football it was my passion. there was just so much pressure on me people criticized everything about me and it was like they only saw the minutes i played like shit. so i tried to get more relaxed with drugs but i found myself doing drugs more than i should and then i became addicted” he said.
“do you miss your old life?”
“i do miss my old life. i should or could have handled it better.“ He said shaking his head.
„do you miss your old life?“ he asked and looked back to me.
"my life before was anything but okay so no not at all” i said and shook my head.
i did not miss miss my old life. i did miss being okay. having no worries. i miss not missing anything.
“i wish i could have protected you from all the bad that was happening to you” he said and I looked up to meet his eyes. a smile grew on my lips. He was too cute and caring to be real.
“thank you” I said and he just shook my head.
“do you miss playing football?” i asked i was just curious.
“i do. i haven’t touched a ball in months” he said and shrugged.
“then we should do that. i mean if it’s okay for you” i said realizing that he may not being okay with facing his reason to do drugs.
“no it’s okay. let’s do this” he said and got up from the couch.
I got up as well and we both walked out of the coffee. I was following him since he apparently knew the region pretty well.
“do you live close to that coffee shop?” i asked as we were walking beside each other.
“i do. it’s just around the corner. it’s nothing fancy. i used to live in a pretty big house in a different region but i lost a lot of money with the drugs and everything” he said and shrugged.
We stood in front of his house, it was big. It wasn’t fancy or spectacular. but it looked nice.
“here we are” he said and opened the door and i just followed him looking around as we were walking through his house.
“do you want something to drink or anything or start to play now?” he said and chuckled.
“we’re playing first” i said and smiled.
We two started playing and I soon realized how good he actually was. And he hasn’t played for months but he still was amazing at what he was doing. I could tell that it was his passion he was laughing and being more relaxed and different.
“i’m giving up” i said and groaned as I stopped running after him, while he was on his way to make another goal.
“but i’m winning”
“oh i couldn’t tell” i said sarcastically and rolled my eyes laughing.
He chuckled and walked over to me.
“alright alright” he said and put his hand up in defence.
“well you’re still pretty good at what you’re doing i guess”
“i guess” he chuckled nervously.
“c'mon i need to drink something from all the running you made me do” i said and changed the topic.
He laughed and pulled me with him inside. We walked to his kitchen and he put two glasses outside and a bottle of water pouring water in the glasses.
“do you still sometimes think about the drugs about how the made you feel?” he asked and looked over to me.
I drank out almost my whole glass before answering him.
“i do. probably more than i should. i just really miss the feeling” i said and could feel that my hand was starting to shake.
i tried hiding it inside the pocket of my hoodie not wanting him to see it. It was nothing strange, in deed that happened quiet often. When it first happened I got worried but the doctors and my psychologist told me it wasn’t something unfamiliar. But he already saw it and took my hand in between his.
“hey you’re okay. yeah?” he said and his beautifully eyes met mine again.
i nodded and breathed out trying to stop it. it would soon stop probably it was just really annoying.
“do you have that a lot?” he asked still having his two hands around mine.
“yeah from time to time.”
it wasn’t like i would take drugs right now if he wouldn’t be there. i really wouldn’t. i controlled myself good enough. just sometimes still thought about it and how it made me feel.
“is it whenever you think of him or the drugs?” he asked.
He wanted to know a lot of things which was something i never really experienced. people didn’t really paid attention to me but he on the other hand was really interested in me. He showed interest and that was unfamiliar. People never cared, unless it was something about themselves. I pulled my hand out of his and wanted to look away. i understood that he wanted to know everything it just makes me feel uncomfortable.
“do you wanna know something?” he asked.
I looked up to him as we both were leaning against the kitchen counter and his gaze wandered from the windows in front of us back on me.
“i think the drugs aren’t really your problem anymore. but he is. he is still there.” he said and i looked away thinkinabout what he said.
He was right. I did have a problem with him still or not exactly with him but letting go. letting it all behind me.
“or not exactly him but the things he did to you. they’re still haunting you”
“but do you think it’s that easy? to let them behind you forget about them?”
“it’s not but-”
“when all he did was treat you like shit. when he hurt you not only with words but more than often physically that you still have scars and are reminded every time you look in the mirror? when all he ever did was tell me how i’m a nobody and would be nothing without him? when all he did was cheat on me and i’m still asking myself why i wasn’t enough? when he treated me like shit and i did not break up with him because I was afraid he would hit me to death?” i asked.
I felt tears running down my cheeks. I knew I was too far up in my feelings now to stop a mental break down from happening. All the feelings, they just were still there and I couldn’t run away from them, even if I tried. But I did not look up to him nor did i wanted to but i could feel his gaze on me. He carefully wrapped one arm around me and pulled me slightly closer to him. The last time i was that close to someone was you so it took me some time to get used. but i breathed out and remind myself it was not you i could trust Antoine. He wrapped his other arm around me and pulled me into a hug. And as i breathed out and tried to calm down, I smelled his scent and perfume in. And maybe that alone made me feel better.