this video makes me feel lonely

i hate you, you know that? i hate what you did to me. i hate that it’s 3:04am and i’m thinking about you. i hate that every song makes me think of you. i hate that i like to watch videos of you kissing me. i hate how much i miss you when i feel lonely. i hate that you still love me. i hate the fact that i can’t speak to you and the fact that i can. i hate that you left me with no option. i hate that thinking of you is making my face covered in tears. i hate that i cant picture myself loving anyone the way i loved you. i hate how much i want to text you right now. i hate how weak you made me. i hate that i think i can move on. i hate that i have to be with somebody else. i hate that i still see myself with you. and most of all, i hate how easy it would be to take you back. but i must wipe away the tears, i must love myself more than i love you, and i must stay away from people that are no good for me. so thank you for the experiences, thank you for the memories, thank you for the moments, and thank you for the temporary happiness you gave me. but it’s 3:16 now and i must sleep, so that i can heal and so i can forget. good night.

please seek help if you think that there’s no more that you can do for yourself or you think that stuff is the worst that could ever be, that there always is help out there and i don’t want to see anybody take these actions that they can’t take back, to do something that they’re going to regret whether it be to themselves or to be to somebody else or stuff like that. so please, you’re not alone and keep fighting through it, and if any of you out there are struggling right now and my videos can help distract you from that kind of stuff for 20 minutes, for 15 minutes, whatever long the video is, if i can help distract you or help you smile during that period of time when nothing else can make you smile or make you happy, then that is the best compliment i could ever get for my content. so, thank you so much for being here and just leave my videos on in the background sometimes if you’re feeling lonely, i would be your friend for the day, i will be there to help you through whatever you’re going through, so, just thank you guys for being here with me because i know if you guys weren’t here with me every day, i know that’ll be a lot sadder than i am now, so thank you as well.
—  seán william mcloughlin

“Good Morning America!” Darcy said enthusiastically.  “How’s the view from your part of the world?”

“It would be much better if you were here, Darce.”  He replied honestly. “And, I just got up.”

“You’re slacking off, Handsome.”  Darcy teased him.  “It’s 8a.m. in New York. What happened to your ‘ass crack of dawn’ morning run?”

“Can’t sleep good without you, Sweetheart.”  A hint of loneliness in his voice. “Been far away for far too long.” Darcy frowned.  She knew that Steve hated losing time with people he loved.  One of the side effects of his seventy years ice nap.

“I love it when you use song lyrics, to show how much you care about me”  Darcy said, trying to make him smile. “Much better than any mixed tape.”  

“That wasn’t intentional, it’s how I feel.  But, I’m surviving without you.” Taking a bite of his corn flakes before continuing.  “Not that I want to. Natasha kicks my ass when I start to mope.  I guess I have you to thank for that.”

“Yes, you do.”  Darcy explained.  “No one likes seeing a sad Steve Rogers.   It’s the equivalent of someone taking all cat videos off the Internet.  It’s something that you don’t want to happen.”

“I must sound lonely, needy and desperate for you.” Steve replied.  “It’s official, I’m in love.  I’m blaming you.”

“Damn straight you’re mine.”  Smiling and sounding very proud of herself.  “And, you’re not needy or desperate.”  You just miss your girl, and it’s nice to be loved and missed.”

“I’ve been away for a month, and the separation has been hard on me too.  But, it proves we’re not clingy or joined at the hip.”

“At least the time difference isn’t that huge.  London is four hours ahead of New York City.  You could alway steal the Quinjet, and come visit me.”

“Always an option.”  Steve said regretfully. “Unfortunately,  I have to be a responsible leader.  Putting my wants and needs aside, no matter how much I don’t like or want to.“

“Let’s blame Jane for our misery.”  She continued.  “How dare she be the world’s only expert on the Convergence. She’s finally getting the scientific acknowledgement she deserves, and a Nobel Peace Prize.“ 

“All the fame is keeping me away from my cuddly human space heater. At least, we both have our comfort foods.” Purposely slurping her coffee to prove her point.

“How’s your corn flakes, and what you call ‘real’ milk in the glass bottle?” She asked, and Steve knew what she was going to say next.  “Do you know the real reason corn flakes were invented?”

“Some crazy doctor thought it was a way to stop people from masturbating. An anti-sex food.”   It really was one of the most ridiculous, but true things that he had read about. “Internet so helpful.”

“And, how’s that working for you?”  Darcy laughed.  “You eat that cereal like it’s religion.  Is it curing that craving?”

“Not even close.”  He replied, his voice a little rougher. “You’re the only taste I crave.”

“Damn it, Steve!  Now I need to have room service bring me a few boxes of corn flakes…you know for Science.”

“Save the science experiment for when you come home.”  He laughed. “I’ll demand our money back if it doesn’t work.”

“Very funny.”  Darcy said.  “I already told Jane that when we get back,  I’m taking a few days off to work on my science experiment.”  

“Like Jane would have any say in the matter.”  He replied. “I’ll probably go all caveman on you.  Throw you over my shoulder, and carry you back to our apartment.”

“As long as it doesn’t end there.”  She demanded. “I expect a lot of sex and cuddling when I come home.  Phone sex, sexting you while you’re in a meeting and video chats don’t compare to the real thing.”

“I don’t sleep well without you either.  She finished, stifling a yawn.  “I need to feel you wrapped around me.  Guess that means I’m in love.  It’s all your fault.”

“Damn right it is.”  He replied, and Darcy could picture the smile on his face.  “I love you, now get some sleep.”

“Love you too, Steve.” She replied.  “I’ll hang up, and let you have some quality time with your anti-sex food.”

Steve hung up the phone, and ate another spoonful. Whoever believed that cereal was a cure for masturbation, obviously didn’t have someone like Darcy Lewis in their lives.

(Yes, it’s crazy but true. In 1894, two brothers, Dr John Harvey Kellogg and Will Keith “WK” Kellogg, were running a sanitarium and health spa in the town of Battle Creek, Michigan. Corn flakes were originally invented as a way to stop people from masturbating. )

If I can even make one person smile, if I can make one person happy, make one person feel less lonely during the day, then I am very happy because other YouTubers have made me feel less lonely in the past few years and if I can do that for somebody else then I will consider what I do to be very good, and it’s very much a success.
—  Jacksepticeye from the video “Welcome Back, December”, 2016.
You have one amazing job my friend, one fun job! ❤ @therealjacksepticeye

Heyyyaaa can I get a scenario with taeyong when we have twin baby girls and he comes back after some long tour and sees them and you can also put smut in there if u want it’s up to you honeypie k thankyouuuu x 

You can’t be any happier when your husband finally comes home.

me: the worst at doing scenarios on time
you guys: keeps in sending scenarios.
this one is legit from like, two months ago what are you doing people… i’m the worst. hopefully the anon who sent this in likes it ^^

Keep reading

Lana Del Rey Songs For The Signs


The Blackest Day
Carry me home, got my new car and my gun
Wind in my hair, holding your hand, listen to our song
Carry me home, don’t wanna talk about the things to come
Just put your hands up in the air, the radio on

You should’ve known better
Than to have, to let her
Get you under her spell of the weather
I got you where I want you
You’re deader than ever
And falling for forever
I’m playing head games with you

It’s not one of those phases I’m going through
Or just a song, it’s not one of them
I’m on my own
On my own
On my own again


National Anthem
I’m your National Anthem
God, you’re so handsome
Take me to the Hamptons
Bugatti Veyron

He loves to romance them
Reckless abandon
Holdin’ me for ransom
Upper echelon

Money is the reason
We exist
Everybody knows it, it’s a fact
Kiss, kiss

On our drugs and our love
And our dreams and our rage
Blurring the lines between real and the fake
Dark and lonely
I need somebody to hold me


Video Games
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you wanna do

I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It’s better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby, now you do


Born to Die
Can you make it feel like home, if I tell you you’re mine?

Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don’t know why

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain


Young & Beautiful
Hot summer nights, mid July
When you and I were forever wild
The crazy days, city lights
The way you’d play with me like a child

Will you still love me
When I’m no longer young and beautiful?

I’ve seen the world, lit it up
As my stage now
Channeling angels in the new age now

Oh that grace, oh that body
Oh that face makes me wanna party
He’s my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds


Shades of Cool
And when he calls
He calls for me and not for you
He lives for love, he loves his drugs
He loves his baby too

But I can’t fix him, can’t make him better
And I can’t do nothing about this strange weather

Baby lives in shades of cool
Cool heart, and hands and aptitude
He lives for love, for women, too


Old Money
Will you still love me when I shine,
From words but not from beauty?

Blue hydrangea, cold cash, divine,
Cashmere, cologne and hot sunshine.
Red racing cars, Sunset and Vine,
And we were young and pretty.

My father’s love was always strong
My mother’s glamour lives on and on
Yet still inside, I felt alone
For reasons unknown to me

But if you send for me, you know I’ll come
And if you call for me, you know I’ll run
I’ll run to you, I’ll run to you
I’ll run, run, run


Off To The Races
Light of my life, fire of my loins
Be a good baby, do what I want
Light of my life, fire of my loins
Give me them gold coins, give me them coins

I’m your little scarlet, starlet, singin’ in the garden
Kiss me on my open mouth
Ready for you

And he shows me, he knows me
Every inch of my tar black soul


I hear the birds on the summer breeze,
I drive fast, I am alone in the night
Been tryin’ hard not to get into trouble,
But I, I’ve got a war in my mind
So, I just ride, just ride

Dying young and playing hard
That’s the way my father made his life an art
Drink all day and we talk ‘til dark
That’s the way the road dogs do it – ride ‘til dark.


Swan Song
Put your white tennis shoes on and follow me
Why work so hard when you could just be free?
You got your money now, you got your legacy

And you’ve been gone so long, you missed everything
The world can change in a day if you go away

Do you like where you’ve been and
Where you’re going to?


West Coast
Down on the West Coast I get this feeling
Like it all could happen that’s why I’m leaving
You for the moment, you for the moment,
Boy Blue, yeah, you

I can see my baby swingin’
His parliament’s on fire and his hands are up
On the balcony and I’m singing
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, I’m in love

Down on the West Coast, they love their movies
Their golden gods, and rock and roll groupies
But you’ve got the music, you’ve got the music in you, don’t you?


Brooklyn Baby
I think I’m too cool to know ya
You say I’m like the ice I freeze
I’m churning out novels like
Beat poetry on Amphetamines

I’ve got feathers in my hair
I get down to Beat poetry
And my jazz collection’s rare
I can play most anything

anti fucking likes chicken nuggets.

* Have not proofread. Wrote at 3am while high. I am now craving mcnuggets.

Shit, I’m hungry. Shit, I forgot to eat. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Editing videos is really time consuming..

I stand up with a loud yawn, stretching my arms up behind me.

I feel that annoying twitching in my fingertips, sighing softly as I lower my arms.

“Let’s get pizza!” I hear in my own mind, scoffing at the voice.

“We had leftover pizza for breakfast, dipshit.” I said aloud, not worried about someone hearing me talking to myself. Ah, yes, lonely advantages.

“Yes, but I want more!” It made my hand twitch, a lot more violent than before.

“No! Shut up, you’re gonna make me fat!” I huff and cross my arms, grabbing my wallet and hoodie.

“So? You’re already a gamer, it’s not like it’ll make a difference.” I only roll my eyes at the voice.

Soon enough, I’m at a total crossroads. Well, literally.

On one side of the street, McDonalds. On the other side, some stupid vegan restaraunt.

Instead of just standing in front of the cross, looking dumbly between establishments while I battle with my own mind, I take my phone out and lean against a nearby lamppost.

“McDonalds! C'mon! Let’s fuckin go!” Stupid, stupid, voice. I sigh and pretend to take a call, making it easier to blow off talking to the voice in my head.

“No, we had McDonalds last week.” I retorted, sort of watching the people idly walking around me.

“It’s been a week, that’s long enough. I want my fuckin’ McNuggets!” The voice was attempting to take control of me, I could tell. My foot twitched a bit, my sane half disguising it with easy tapping.

“God, shut up. No more junk food.” I rested one hand in my pocket, chewing on my lip as I took a step forward in the direction of the stupid vegan place. He’s gonna be so mad.

“No! No, no no, you idiot - God damnit, no, other way! Go the other way! The McDonalds is the OTHER WAY!” Maybe slapping myself would hurt him, too. Would it get him to shut up? Even if it would, I didn’t attempt it.

This.. second personality of mine? Asshole. TOTAL asshole. Here I am, trying to stay healthy for my own sake, and he’s forcing me through the doors of a damn McDonalds.

Wait, when did I get to the doors of the McDonalds - Fuck. Fuck, god damnit, no. He got control, shit.

We’re here anyways, so I just sigh and go up to the counter. He’s quieted down, thankfully.

Well, I THOUGHT he quited down. Until he makes me flinch with how loud he shouts “MCNUGGETS!” in my own head.

God, it’s so weird. I swear I can hear him but no one else can. He’s not real. Well.. sort of.

I sigh yet again and order for the both of us. His stupid fucking McNuggets - and thankfully they’ve got salads, albeit huge and probably still somehow greasy. But it’s good enough.

As soon as the cashier hands me the back, I’m gone. He stole control, yet again. Woop de fuckin’ DOOOOO.

We’re home. Wait, when did we get home? I don’t even remember unlocking my apartment.

God, I hate this stupid fuckin’ asshole in my head.

I finally regain control, feeling just a bit dizzy and awfully hungry.

“Loooove you, Jackaboooy!” I hear the voice resonating through my head as I open the bag.

“No, fuck off.” I grumble, immediatley going for the chicken nuggets.

No matter how healthy I try to be, or how much I try to stay fit, chicken nuggets are fucking amazing.

Boyfriend: Rocky

Originally posted by binsblush

- Shy when you first get together
- Like seriously you guys start blushing when you hold hands
- Video Chatting almost everyday
- Pecks on the cheek
- Texting a lot
- He’s always smiling when you are either around or when he’s texting you
- Rocky feeling lonely whenever he can’t text or call you
- Nicknames: Angel and Babe
- Gets all cutesy when people mention your name
- You and Moonbin are close
- Not as close as they are though
- Teaching you their dances
- or making up dances of your own
- “Babe, who do you love more? Me or Moonbin?”
- “hmmm I can’t decide”
- “Babe!”
- “I’m kidding, I love you more just don’t tell him”
- You guys are just a cute couple



Hello! This is my first post! I am a new Astro blog and I’ll be making these for every member! Requests are open!!

anonymous asked:

my friend asked me this today, and i thought i'd ask what you thought too! "what's the best thing about the stevetony fandom/being in the stevetony fandom?" sorry if you've already been asked this, just wondering what your response would be :)

This is such an interesting question, Anon.  I thought about it last night to try to figure out a good answer and my mind just kept coming back to basically feeling included in something.  Getting to be a part of something.   The idea that people are interested in my stories is still something that amazes me.  That connection to people, that shared experience, I think that is the thing that I love most about this fandom.  Everyone has truly been so welcoming and supportive.  I’m just blown away sometimes.  

Growing up, fandoms were often male-dominated and there was so much blowback against a girl being a part of anything like that, both from the guys and from other girls who didn’t get it.  So, I bought Teen Beat and put posters of Tom Cruise on my wall like the other girls and hid my Robotech books in the back of the closet.  There was no internet then.  Comic book stores were not a thing in my small town and certainly not something a girl would go to, at least in my mind.  Sometimes, I could get fanzines like Starlog from the library when they were done with them, and they had ways to mail order things in the back pages, so I started getting a few things that way.  There was a convention I went to in college where you could buy a printed out Star Wars fanfic for like $3 under the table.  Literally.  I mean, it was hidden in a box under one of the booth’s tables and  you had to know the table to ask. Someone told me about it and the Star Trek bloopers VHS tape you could buy.  Exciting times.

But, that is a very lonely and isolated way to experience fandom.  So, for me, it is the openness of connection with other people that is the best part.  I think sometimes that maybe others take it for granted because it is so easy now to come and go, move between fandoms, find new spaces.  For me, though, this is still just so phenomenal.  People sharing ideas and their love of these characters, writing stories and talking about them, making art and videos, it is this whole new world of creativity that I didn’t realize existed until recently.  The acceptance and inclusiveness, this feeling of being amongst friends, that’s the best part to me. *hugs all of you*  Thank you for letting me join your fun!  

Dear Markiplier!

Ok so, last summer, after studying for a half of a year to get into vet school, I failed the exam to get in, nvm that, it worked out fine, im happy I didn’t get in now. But at the time I was devastated. I felt like a failure, and my boyfriend sadly had to work some crazy hours and I barely got to see him all summer. So, my days were pretty much nothing but youtube. Over Pewds I found out about Mark and in the recommended section I saw one of his RYC videos. And I started binge watching him, mostly subnautica and it saved me. He made me laugh and he made me feel less lonely in a very hard time in my life. After a while he posted the “Believe in yourself” video that I, to this day, come back and watch because it’s so inspiring to me and never fails to make me feel better. I will forever be grateful for finding him, and finding this community. Love you Mark, and all you guys here - Anja

ID #85909

Name: Alyssa
Age: 18
Country: Philippines

Hey what’s up! You can call me Alyssa, Aly, Al, or A. lol. I’m a third year college student. and I should be making an online enrollment system right now but that’s just boring and it’s really upsetting me because im still confused with what i should do. but here i am. coding makes me feel lonely :( kidding. so uhh i just wanna try this penpal thing sounds fun and awesome to do, so hmu! loljk.

anyways, what to know about me? uh, i like to read in a good day. but i love watching movies, tv series, kdrama, and youtube videos on a daily basis because that’s how productive i am with my life. i have no self-control and sense of priority in doing my tasks, but I own a bullet journal. How ironic is that? so, i watch a lot of liza koshy and david dobrik videos. #squadgoals And by watching their david’s vlog i developed a major crush on alex ernst. God bless his parents for having sex…i mean creating him.

I am a lame joker but my friends put up with it, God bless them too. I have a great love for South Korea even though I have never been there. *cough ‘k-drama addict’ cough* We’ll never know, maybe one day I’ll finally visit and my view of good korea and it’s sweet people will finally be broken. Kidding. I’m sorry I’m really just a big fan of Korean drama and korean boys. kidding again (im not really)

last thing i wanna tell about myself is that i’m actually a little socially awkward and most of the time disoriented with life.

this is so long im sure no one’s gonna read this xD worth a shot!

Preferences: Anyone around my age who can put up with my idiocy.

I’m 17, turning 18 July 10. I live in Willowbrook, Illinois. Yet I’ll be going off to UW-Milwaukee for college soon!! I’m bisexual, and female. I’ve been more accepting of my sexuality and been feeling alittle lonely… so I would really love to date a girl. Yet I don’t mind meeting New people and making good friends with you all!!

About me: I’m a bit of a geek, I love anime, and video games. Disney is life. I’m pretty good in school, but I have a lot of laziness. I enjoy eating food like waffles, macaroni, salmon, and etc … watching movies. I love animals, and cuddling. I enjoy traveling! So maybe if anyone wants to travel with me soon! I don’t mind!^^ I love love shopping, and hanging out ~ and I love animals.

Sc: elmcarrecandy
Insta: elmcandyluv

Ps. If you wanna know more just message me here at everybodylovesmetruly or my other social accounts

pleasantgalaxytidalwave  asked:

If/when you experience loneliness, how do you deal with it? At college I spend a great deal of time alone, and I don't necessarily have an issue with it until someone brings it up to me. At that point I feel embarrassed about it, and it leads to quite a bit of loneliness.

when i feel lonely, i:

- keep my mind busy. or try to. some of my favorite things to do when i feel lonely are bake and clean while listening to music. but i also like to write, or just do mindless activities such as watching youtube videos or netflix shows.

- talk to my mom. i just call her, put her on speaker, and talk for hours (sometimes) about how i feel, random stuff, and just life in general. hearing her voice makes me feel less alone.

- take a walk or do some sort of activity. i typically just walk to the grocery store and buy food (i just love grocery store atmospheres haha) or i may just walk around the campus and just breathe in the fresh air. or i just put on music in my room and dance.

- remember that my feelings of loneliness won’t last forever. i will find my people, soon. just gotta be patient and enjoy my alone time in the meantime. 

i just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading this right now that you are a lovely person and you deserve happiness even if at times you get frustrated with yourself! i know sometimes things may suck, but life always goes on to better things and going through all the sucky parts of life makes having good days more enjoyable. and of course to all the people that happened to come across my account and followed me, you are always welcome to message me about literally anything, on here or on twitter (twt: @/prettyhwan) or whatever social media platform that you feel comfortable with sharing with me!! i don’t want anyone feeling lonely, i’m always open to being a friend. honestly you could just message me a video of Jinhwan sitting down doing nothing and i’ll still respond in awe lmao 💀 Thank you iKonics, you all are wonderful


Confession Time

I’ve been listening to 2PM since the beginning and, honestly, their music has helped me a lot. Listening to their songs and watching their videos always makes me feel less lonely. Seriously. Them and Green Day are the only two bands that fill that hole inside of me. Even if it’s just for a little while. I can’t imagine myself ever stopping liking 2PM.

i’m listening to feels like home and crying because it’s a isak/even song. has someone made an video of them to it?

I mean:

Somethin’ in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There’s somethin’ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright, ‘cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I’d love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

Christmas Luminous.

I wasn’t going to draw a pic or write anything for Christmas though I had a rough idea (as I’ve missed it) but I listened to ニブンノイチ and 「THE LAST ONE」 and felt things working out.

I wish I could draw the picture better, but I’m really rusty, so I apologize for that. I hope that despite the poor quality, it is enjoyable. Thank you.

Keep reading

Had a kinda sad day today , and I just wanted to say @taylorswift thank you for making it better . Even though you never are physically around your music and even videos or inspirational words can help get me through some days when I feel lonely . Love you , goodnight my friend.

Here it goes...

I’ve tried to write this newsletter for weeks… but up until today I just couldn’t find the words.

There is so much I wish to say, more than any email could fill… I guess that’s the point of the book, but even so I’ll try and keep this brief, for the people who heard what I was trying to say.

I’ll start here.

I grew up being a teen idle. I was social media famous at 15. At 12 I saw myself as this huge, solid, too tall, nerdy, awkward majorly unpopular girl. I thought to be social media famous would be the best job ever and if all these people ‘liked’ me I would be happy. At 15 I got what I wished for, I was first Facebook famous - tall, slim, blonde, smiling, straight A student… Then I moved onto Instagram and tumblr, then shortly after - at the request of others - YouTube.

When I broke up with my boyfriend at 18, quit university to peruse social media (I had over 500,000 instagram followers), I became signed with one of Australia’s biggest modelling agencies in a matter of weeks. I instantly started dating another guy and through social media made several online vegan friends that asked all about my break up, how I was doing, what my plans were, if they could do anything to help – I was thrilled. These people were there for me and invited me into their homes. Breaking up with him, quitting uni and moving out of my apartment - I was extremely unstable and unsure of everything.

I had a friend that had been there for me since I was 16, and actually helped me go vegan… she wasn’t as well known on social media as the other people coming into my life… and when the decision presented itself I chose modelling and these new friends over her.

I pushed away all my old friends and anyone who knew me for me (goofy, nerdy Essena – not the teen idle). I talked ill of my old friends and only hung out with social media people… I made that choice.  

Social media was my full time job and took up majority of my life. I would spend eight hours a day photographing, styling, editing, filming, scrolling… Finding people with similar passions was incredible – eating out for free, every little moment could be a perfect candid snap or silly vlog, we’d talk about my nonstop boy problems, and bitch about other youtuber’s/instgaramers that I knew personally. That was my life. Constant shoots, photos, editing and an artificial smile. I am not one bit proud of my actions, if that’s not already clear.

I was able to fund travels to Thailand and LA off Youtube payments and paid posts… Of which I deceived and acted like I bought the products of free will.

I made a video saying I was going to travel to these places and thousands of people offered their homes to me. The girl I mentioned above that was less known (of which I pushed asides, spoke ill of and was a completely horrible person to) was travelling to LA at the same time. She was talking to all the same people but she didn’t get any invites, even when some that were originally promised.

I guess I felt entitled with how everything was just handed to me… I had followers and people wanted to be my friend.

Being as caught up and superficial as I was, I chose only the people that were in the same industry as I to stay with – vegan and social media famous. I house hopped for three months. I am firstly extremely grateful for all the hospitality, but the girl they knew was not someone I am proud of, let alone someone I even liked.

During this time I became so caught up in pleasing people, getting more success in my career, becoming thinner (fitter was my excuse), dating countless guys at the same time, meeting with lots of different agencies and having proposals for major modelling and YouTube deals. All I talked about was my social media, getting a new fancy car, getting a fancy flat in LA, new cute clothes, my growing followers, brand deals…. This was everything I did and talked about each day.

I did shoots most days with everyone I stayed with, giving them all my social media tips, bikini photos, brand deals, cute selifes, perfectly arranged smoothie bowls. I gave lighting, caption and editing tips. It was my life and what I did for fun, not to mention my entire career.

This 2D perfect world was my life  – it felt like it was my true worth, I somehow convinced myself ‘this is what I owe them for their hospitality… they didn’t host a small instagramer… this is why they want me…’ I know that may sound ridiculous, because it so is.

Is that just how it works?

I couldn’t help wondering, if I had 500 followers not 500,000+ would I be staying here? If I was a size 16 not a size 6, would they still like me as their friend? If I wasn’t this famous, slim blonde – would I be at this party? At this place? With these people?

Would I still walk into a shop and the owner say ‘take everything you want, let’s just do a little shoot out the back for insta yeah?’

I don’t blame anyone for my actions or how much I was absorbed by social media, my appearance and this 2D world. It was me, I was being deceitful, I was lost, I was sick and I needed serious help. But of course I didn’t know that at the time. At the time I thought more money, more of these friends, being thinner.. that would solve this internal misery.

What’s ironic, during all of this struggle I was getting more and more followers, thinner and thinner, better and more visually appealing pictures… online it looked like I had the perfect life… yet I was so completely lonely and miserable inside. I hid it from everyone. I smiled and laughed in pictures and vlogs. No one knew I had what now is described as social anxiety disorder, depression, body dimorphic… whenever I met someone I instantly thought ‘they hate me’ or ‘they make fun of my videos’ ‘they think I’m stupid’… I felt exhausted trying to keep up this bubbly, funny, happy façade.

So at the height of several major proposals with modelling and getting close to signing new agencies in LA I started freaking out – why am I so unhappy? Why do I feel so lonely surrounded by so many people? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I feel this lost and upset with myself? What is wrong with me?

What I saw in LA, especially at social events and how much I changed to please people… shocked my core. The celebrities I met at events – how they use social media and marketing seriously stunned me. The things I saw and heard and was even apart of – hardly many people know. I believe these things should be made public – hence the book.

So I started seeing myself in others, hearing horrible things and realising that’s what I say… do… I had a kind of epiphany that may be obvious to many, but at the time this freaked someone who had ‘everything’ out- I realised I didn’t know myself without my looks or social media fame… the young aspiring 14 year old writer was dead to me… I hated who I was. I hated everything about myself.

Whilst I was still dating several guys, had heaps of these social media friends and was so fortunate to stay with some generous people who had an amazing guesthouse, I made a video titled ‘I feel so alone.’ This would have been four months ago now. It received 100,000 views at the time. This was the start of everything I guess. I made several more posts and videos about how I never enjoyed modelling or how I was addicted to a 2D version of myself. I made a video saying ‘I’m not who you think I am’ which basically said just that… I’m not this perfect happy, lovely earthy girl… I’ve got serious problems. I’ve lost myself to these superficial ideas of happiness.

People made fun of that, said I was just trying to get views…but it was okay. It was my old friend from primary school who messaged that touched me saying ‘this is the Essena I remember’.

I then made one with a face full of acne explaining ‘I am grateful for my acne’ basically saying how I felt I needed a break for superficial beauty because who I am is someone that needs a lot of time to heal and grow.

Since that video I stopped wearing makeup and using my phone for about 3 days straight. This was insane and huge for me, especially in LA where my entire job was videos and photos… it changed my life.

I realised how I am never present, I don’t really talk to people… but more so how my days had morphed into constant shoots, constant planning to do things to make my life look good on a screen.

I do not respect the person I was in LA, Thailand, or even towards the end of my first semester in uni… I was lost, with serious problems so beautifully hidden… if anything my social media addiction, perfectionist personality and low self esteem made my career. Over-sexualisation, perfect food photos, perfect travel vlogs – it is textbook how I got famous. Sex sells, people listen to pretty blondes, I just happened to talk about veganism a trending thing on YouTube.

I used people, and time after time let people use me.

When I got back from LA I felt ashamed of everything I’d become. I told my family, ‘I can’t do this. I don’t want to model. I don’t want to even be on social media, it’s just not for me anymore.’

Of course they thought I was going crazy. Why give up a preposed $50,000 Youtube deal? Five or six shoots already waiting for me in Sydney?

If you knew what I knew or felt what I felt… I think you might understand.

Placing value on your external appearance and social status will never make you happy, if anything I’d argue it makes you extremely lonely, shallow, lost and anxious… because both those things are determined by others… how you look and appear to others.

For about three weeks when I got back, stayed with my parents, hardly using social media, makeup, my phone… I realised how much of who I am was suppressed… how much my life I ignored and how screwed up I really was in this tiny sparkly 2D world. It was then seeing my younger sister and her friends – how they use social media… how so many go places just to take photos, sit there scrolling for hours, refreshing likes desperately hoping they’ll get more…

Again, could elaborate. This is me trying to be brief aha.

So I told my family and a few close to me that I was going to quit it all – modelling and social media. That instead I would do some ad free videos and posts on a website for the people who followed me and wanted to know more (I thought my experience would maybe help a few see things a little differently). I had seen a lot of musicians and content creators rely on donations for free content, the ‘pay what you think’ method.

I was originally just going to delete all 2000 of my photos on Instagram and leave the bio with a simple link to my site. However when I got to the last few photos I thought ‘hey maybe it will be funny if I edit these with kinda truthful captions’. So I did. I remember that day was a Monday. The people who originally followed me thought it was hilarious. On the Tuesday I released my site, with a couple of posts, heaps of documentaries, music, recipes and basically the place I’d make content part time whilst I wrote. That was the plan.

There even was a forum, that so many used to talk to each other about vegan meet ups, overcoming certain problems and diversities… it was such an amazing positive place.

Then Wednesday afternoon I filmed a very raw, arguably desperate video. I didn’t even watch it through. It was the most unfiltered I could have ever spoken. I was scared. I was throwing away such a big part of my life and I guess realised how much I needed to hear what I knew now at 12… when it was all starting… when I felt like I was nothing.

I made that video for the people that idolised me, I felt I owed them just that. That was all it was meant to be.

The next morning was Thursday, my 19


birthday. I logged into the forum on the site and saw so many posts about my story being on the news, so I went to the video I uploaded last night and blinked rapidly at the 1,000,000+ views in less than 12 hours. I looked at my Instagram and saw 800,000+ followers when only a few hours ago I had 500,000.

This day was immensely positive. I couldn’t believe so many resonated with the message…  so many youtubers and Instagrammers saying this shit happens all too often and we should be aware… basically every single news channel and talk show imaginable was emailing, calling my friends, ex’s, school, local library even.

It was insane. A major talk show in Australia said they believed in the message wholeheartedly, I spoke with the producer on the phone for an hour. She said ‘this the story of the year, I can relate so much, thank you for finally saying it’.

I went on her show the next morning, and as she wished, made sure it was the first thing I did. I couldn’t believe the irrelevant questions asked and how different the feel was from the phone conversation with the producer. I felt humiliated and made fun of… as if me crying was a catchy headline for them… they didn’t want to talk about the deeper stuff – deceptive paid posts, doing things just for social approval, or even just growing up a teen idle and realising hey maybe this isn’t the key to happiness?? Maybe fame, a cute bikini selfie and a modelling contract doesn’t equal happiness?

That’s all my message was.

During the next 24 hours I was just shocked and honestly just confused… the way it all turned so negative just numbed me…

As if I was making it all up? For what? Money? Fame? I had that before so that makes sense?

That I was a genius manipulator and knew this would make world news?

I was a hypocrite because I used social media to explain my story to the half a million people that once idolised me?

That I was a fraud, a hoax, a brilliant actor just because I was smiling in the pictures and said those smiles weren’t real?

Seeing people I knew making videos as if my personal life, tears and obvious vulnerability… as if it was some kind of joke to them? I couldn’t believe people couldn’t just call me first, but wanted to make such a public spectrum… it worked, they got views…

But most of all, I couldn’t believe how many people in the industry took my words so personally… YES I WAS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, I WAS THE ONE USING SOCIAL MEDIA BADLY – that was my entire point? I cried about how messed up I was. I was down, bleeding and scared. I made that obvious the world.

I let those superficial things motive my life… that was what the video was about – I had the problem…

The one exaggeration I made was saying ‘everyone in LA was miserable’ – it’s so ironic because at the time I only meant the celebrities I had met and the people at certain events. I meant the people I had met that were ‘superficially successful’ not anyone I stayed with. I never ever intended to hurt anyone personally. I only meant to talk about the culture of a certain society I was apart of – never any one person.

The culture of Instagram fame, sexism in media, the sexual objectification of women, the deception in paid posts, the idea that skinny starving girls get ahead, that if you’re born into the body I have – you get a career out of it, you get an invite into all the parties, everyone wants to take you to lunch, everyone says they love you… I lived that life and felt so alone, shallow and lost… BECAUSE I WAS.

That’s the culture that I believe needs to be talked about. I suffered from it at 12 and at 18.

How the media and arguably a lot of social media works is off sex, scandals, gossip and trending topics.

I guess I became a trending topic. The girl crying saying she thought her whole life wasn’t real – became a laughing stock.

What happened with people I thought were friends hurt me more than any words can say… Hearing what some people thought of me based off one video or headline made me feel things I’d never felt before.

Apparently I was pregnant, apparently I was doing all of this because I broke up with someone (of which I was seeing other people and broke up with guys nonstop for the last 6 months, something that I think explains how much drama fuelled my life). People I didn’t even know and never even met pretending to be ‘one of my close friends’…

I became the trend to talk about, make fun of and put in headlines.

When it was all unfolding I was too overwhelmed with the positive and all the people that supported me and so very generously donated to my creation of more content and more posts of the relevant issues.

I numbed myself to the entire negative and buried myself in the site. I woke up at 5am, worked out, ate breakfast and worked from 7am to 7pm Mon-Friday.

It was fuelled by a mix of ‘holy shit this site had 5 million unique visitors they deserve more content’ and ‘I want to help anyone I can.’

Burying your pain and feelings will never ever work long term. A month ago it all caught up from me. I had refrained from reading much or even watching much with my name when it all happened… but a month ago I started viewing…

I couldn’t explain the feeling of complete loss of control. Of seeing your vulnerable moments plastered on memes, of even hearing so called friends try and defend themselves while wanting to hurt me…

For views? For AdSense money? So they appear relevant?

I couldn’t believe how the message of perfectionism online, deceptive paid posts and living out of screen were buried under my personal life and so called ‘scandal’.

I guess it proved my point about how a lot of mass media and social media work – get views, get likes, don’t worry about the value in what you’re saying let alone the person you are ripping apart through your key board.

I had to say goodbye to a few people I was close to because I simply couldn’t condone what they were saying to their viewers… how they were denying paid posts and how they were twisting truths. It was really hard. I said I love you to them all and explained I just can’t support it, I support you though and only hope you’re happy…

I never in a million years thought these people would turn around and publicly ‘hate’ me.

Having people you shared so much with do that… well it left me crying myself to sleep. It left me sitting in my room never wanting to leave.

I felt like dying.

There I said it.

I know that’s fucking dark and not fun to even talk about but I got to that point. I felt like screaming, ‘DO YOU ALL JUST WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF? TO DIE? AM I THAT HORRIBLE? WHAT HAVE I DONE REALLY DONE TO YOU?’

I received so many death threats, ‘Kill yourself you attention seeking whore that only cares about herself and cuts out all your friends, you deserve to die, so please just do it now and save the world some more embarrassment.’

I had a family member say how much of an embarrassment I was and how I was lying because I was smiling in past pictures… as if one can’t fake a smile.

As if being perfect, smiling and happy online was okay, even if you’re hiding real pain and torment inside – the world loves that girl, celebrates and adores her.  But the second you say something out of line, you’re a hoax.

What kind of message is that to anyone wanting to speak out about his or her own struggles? What have we come to where it’s completely okay to make fun of a vulnerable girl who admits she has an addiction and ridicule her for it?

Just reading some things so far from the truth, having absolutely no control… I just felt so much pain and I didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t know what to do.

First it was confusion for what was happening, then it was pure hate, then it was a lot of fear and just hurt.

I don’t regret what I said, sure I could have worded things differently, but I didn’t think twice or even edit that viral video. Those edited captions were a bit of a joke, I never ever thought it would get global news attention.

I told my truth and how I felt and the problem I had. Having it backfire like it did, so positive then so immediately negative… burying those feelings then letting myself feel all at once… I just felt like staying in my bed for the rest of my life.

Growing up famous on social media you learn to deal with hate comments and build up a type of shield to them. But I guess I was never so open before so when I was down, crying, saying how messed up I was… and having people throw that in my face (people I knew as well) just made me feel like everything I did was a mistake. I was a mistake. The world doesn’t want real underling problems; the world wants to mock someone who said ‘this superficial life isn’t real’.

I took down the site three weeks ago simply because I just couldn’t be on the Internet. It felt toxic. It got to the point where I just wanted to write, the satire/memoir that I’m currently working on but more so fiction. Sci-fi novels have been my dream since I was 12.

Two weeks ago I donated all the funds raised to three different charities that resonated with me the most. I’m scared even sharing this will make me seem attention seeking all over again (I guess you can never win).

  1. Animal Foundation of Florida. It was their ‘101 reasons to be vegan’ that changed my life forever, opened my eyes to so many logical concepts and truly impacted beyond words.

2.Megan Meier Foundation. I’m not going to get into it too full on here, but having people on the Internet say things that they wouldn’t dare to in real life… well it hurts more than I ever could have imagined. Being called every name under the sun… lair, slut, whore, fake, manipulator, attention seeking, psycho… that I should kill myself and will forever be a ‘flaky bitch’ … it got to me. It really really got to me. There were some really dark days. And I just can’t imagine what it’s like to not have a family like mine during these times of severe struggle. They got me through this as well as professional therapy… but the millions of young people who deal with cyber bullying everyday and feel they have no one…  what about them? What if they too believe the words and think they are underserving of forgiveness or even living?

If that’s you, oh god I just want to beg you to hold on, you’re not alone and no matter what they say about you or even who you think you are, you are worthy of change and acceptance… time and professional help will heal this. The world is a nasty place but believe me there are people out there who understand and will help you get through this.

To anyone: before you send in a hateful anonymous message, a YouTube comment or even make an entire video ripping into someone publicly naming and shaming them… please oh please consider the real pain of your words. Please realise it is a real human you a talking about. Ask yourself… is this person hurt? Do they have feelings? Do I even truly know them? Have I known them for years enough to form a valid opinion of their actions? Most likely you don’t. If you did you would know publicly shaming and ridiculing them is the most destructive thing you could ever do, especially if the person is already vulnerable and exposed.

Cyberbulling is not okay. I am so grateful for organisations like this one, I cried reading Megan’s story. It felt like I could relate wholeheartedly especially having grown adults to similar things to me. The feeling of utter grief, loss of control… I know it now all too well. It’s never okay. And there are people who devote their lives to stoping this pain.

3. The Fred Hollows Foundation. As little as $25 can restore eyesight. That’s fucking incredible.

Again, I never anticipated the response that happened. I was so overwhelmed with everyone’s belief in the site, I can’t begin to thank you and let you know what I’m working on I really really believe in.

So with everyone’s generosity, it only feels right to give to these three organisations that seriously save and change lives.

So as for me? I’m getting a job at a local bar and pursuing writing full time.

That was my childhood dream… and I can’t help but think maybe I might have pursued that if I believed in myself enough beyond what people told me I should do…

I don’t expect people to understand that decision right now, but I personally don’t want to model or use any part of my everyday life to define my career. I had a horrible relationship with social media, how I used it and what I became through it, is something I just simply can’t imagine ever going back on.

I don’t want my body or perfect lifestyle shots to be what I do on earth. Ironically it’s not because I look down on these careers… it’s more so that I simply don’t enjoy them. If someone honestly does, then rock on! You do you! Maybe be transparent about your self-timer and how you make money, but other than that do what you love! I just personally didn’t ever enjoy modelling or constantly editing my ‘perfect online life’. Again, just to be clear – it’s how I used social media, not how everyone else uses it. It’s how I felt online, I have no idea how anyone else feels.

I just want to enjoy my life. That’s all I could ever want… to be content and surrounded by people who get that.

So I’m going to work at a bar and work my ass off at this first book… whilst also planning fantasy novels (extremely nervous, excited and just passionate about that!).

To anyone who personally felt hurt by what I did, I am sorry. For anyone who felt I lied or manipulated people, I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I wish I could sit down with you and explain what I know and why I felt and said the things I did about the career I had… but I can’t, hence the book.

It was never ever my intention to talk about any one individual rather the culture of the celebrity status, specifically the social famous and how widely idolised they are. The people that identified themselves as part of that exaggerated ‘everyone’ I said in the viral video, they were not who those words were even intended for.

I wish they came to me personally.

But as a health professional helped me realise, ‘hurt people hurt people.’ And I can’t help but think how dangerous it is if you’re career is based largely on views, headlines, and scandals…

My name was of worth to them, obviously not my wellbeing.

I think what happened to me happens to countless others every single day.

To those who took pleasure in creating videos or articles mocking who you think I am or my intentions, you have every right to have your own opinion. But maybe consider that actively shaming someone online can result in dark things that I know no one would ever want for someone else. I had a strong family and I had a lot of help. Most people aren’t as lucky as I. If I could walk over to a balcony and gaze down… closing my eyes and thinking how easy it would be to just stop all of this pain… imagine all the people who actually do take that next step… all because of what someone foolishly typed on a keyboard.

When I was feeling low I found these stats from

·       42% of teenagers with tech access report being cyberbullied over the past year

·       Of the 69% of teens that own their own computer or smart phone, 80% are active on social media

·       7.5 million Facebook users are under 13 years old

·       81% of teens say bullying online is easier to get away with

·       3 million kids per month are absent from school due to bullying

·       20% of kids cyberbullied think about suicide, and 1 in 10 attempt it.

I just want to let you know I’ve struggled a lot the past month. I know no one wants to hear that. It’s not fun, pretty or stylish. It’s not even headline worthy. But it’s real life. And I know I am certainly not alone.

I am thankful for this experience. We all feel this struggle, it just manifests in different situations. I learnt so much about myself and through all the pain and self-exposure, it really did get me to the place I am now and making decisions about who I want to be, regardless of social approval.

To everyone who felt I treated them poorly, I apologise with all my heart. I never ever intended for that to happen. I am so so sorry for anything I’ve done to make someone feel hurt.

So to wrap up, here is the truth – I had a serious problem. I was part of a large culture that celebrates perfectionism and edited life ideals. I did things on social media (paid posts, constant perfectionism, planned shoots most days) that made my life look effortless, when for it’s entirety it was a business.

I had the problem. I was suffering. I shared that. It went viral. I had no control. I became a trend and a way to guarantee views.

For me the internet right now does not feel healthy.

I’m getting a job at a local bar.

I’m writing each day.

I’m seeing a therapist. I’m not ashamed of that and I encourage anyone if they feel down or are stuck in a negative mindset to seek professional help. People used to come to me for life advice… why? Because I was famous online? Slim? Pretty and adored? Spent my days frolicking on a beach or talking about yummy vegan food? If you have a real problem, seek real advice.

I’m rebuilding relationships with my family.

I’m making new friends and trying to reconnect with past others.

I’m trying my best to forgive, move on, make amends and to live a normal life.

I know normal isn’t even a thing, no one life is normal, but growing up social media famous, having everything just handed to me and relying so heavily on my exterior to get me through life… it never made me feel content.

I just want to enjoy my life.

So thank you for reading this, but please if I could say one last thing don’t idolise me. Don’t idolise anyone, especially personalities you view online.

I have got to the point where I’ve realised all I can control is my future actions and who I am in the present moment. I can’t change anyone’s opinion of me (good or bad) or what has happened in the past.

I can choose however how I learn from this.

I can choose to move forward.

I can choose to take responsibility for anything I’ve done to hurt someone. If it’s not clear enough, I am so deeply sorry if I caused you pain. That was never ever my intention. Whether you stalked my photos for three years, bought the clothes I was paid to sell you and felt depressed over my perfectly edited life, I felt so much shame over that façade, that’s why I made the dear 12 year old video… I became the very thing that deceived me as a young teen.

I am so deeply sorry if you invited me into your world and because I was so caught up in my own pain and self obsessed nature that I hurt you through that…

I am sorry to anyone that felt hurt by my changing morals. I don’t condone deceptive advertisement and outright lying about it. I never wanted those morals to make someone believe I had personally thought less of them or who they are, it was just about the action itself.

I am sorry to anyone who felt betrayed when I took down the site. I hit an extremely low point, the past caught up to me and I needed to process how I was feeling. It got really dark. I thought about donating the money as soon as it all went viral, as I never imagined it would turn into such a huge thing… I was scared to share those thoughts. One part of me was ‘use this money to make videos, build the website, to write the book’ and the other part of me said ‘this has turned into something bigger than you ever expected, you don’t want this pressure, you don’t even want to create content you want to write.’

I chose my wellbeing over what other’s wanted from me. It was the first time in my life I did that. It’s scary doing that. You feel selfish… weak even. But I think looking after yourself emotionally is so overlooked. I guess I had to experience the absolute lows to fully understand the importance of understanding and working through human emotion.

I believe that money is now in the hands of those who are going to make real positive change in our society.

Who I was in the past is not the person I wish to be now. We all make mistakes. We all feel lost, hurt, scared and confused. I was extremely open about that. What got me through all of this was thinking about all of the other people who want to speak up about something they believe in but know the backlash is a guarantee…

Once you put themselves out there, especially on the internet, everyone is freely able to poke, pull and stab as they choose. It’s not fun and no one can ever be fully immune.

I see it like this though. If you are given the opportunity to speak about an experience you know would have helped your past self, or your children or even the people you love… do you stand up and speak, regardless of what you think others might say? Or do you sit in the crowd as the viewer, poke fun, taunt and have an awful opinion on those brave enough to stand up?

I stood up. And I fell crashing down. I stayed there cold and curled up on the floor. It felt like I was chained there, defenceless while others watched from above, mocked, laughed, taunted and enjoyed seeing me so exposed.

Through all the time I was down on the ground, I am grateful. It was that pain that allowed me to start to stand up again.

The next time I speak, the next time you hear from me, I’ll be standing stronger than I could have ever stood before.

So thank you.

I only hope you’re okay, and if you’re not that’s okay too. Speak to people, confide in people you trust. Time heals and you are deserving of forgiveness and acceptance.