this took me a majority of the day i hope u people like it bc i actually do

anonymous asked:

So I donated to your kickstarter so long ago that I can't even remember when it was and you haven't been making updates about the progress of the album in a very long time. I know life happens and sometimes things get pushed back but I'm starting to wonder where my money went and if I will ever get the vinyl I paid for. It's been well over a year and it's making me think you just took everyone's money and don't really care how long they have to wait to see what they paid for come to life.

this mite be a long post! please for the love of god feel free to scroll beyond if u dont care, i truly hate when people fuck up my feed with their essays so ya. that is my disclaimer here. ok.

ok. deep breath.
i talk about this/my campaign/my project VERY often on twitter (it’s distracting and often harmful for me to use tumblr and facebook regularly. sorry if that’s inconvenient). i realize most people aren’t actively checking my shit & that my tweets get buried in the constant avalanche of my stupid thoughts, so i’ll summarize the past year or so. hopefully whoever left this anonymous message will check back to see the answer and if so, i IMPLORE u to read the entire thing instead of picking out details from the first 4 sentences and sending me another message about how i stole your fucking money.

my album is almost finished. i’ve said this multiple times over the course of the past year, but this time it’s like, legitimately fact. i’m feeling extra sensitive right now and reading this message felt like stepping on a rusty nail, so i’ll go ahead and give you as many details as possible to explain why it’s taken me over a year to complete my first full-length album. 

i am an independent artist, as you probably know. i am also an extreme perfectionist. when i began my kickstarter campaign in september of 2015, i had about 30 songs written that i’d poorly recorded in my shitty apartment, many of which i hoped to record professionally for my first proper (and physical) release. i could not fucking stand the thought of being contractually obligated to make music via label and figured kickstarter was my last hope. i honestly thought it would fail miserably and decided that when my campaign came to a humiliating end, i’d move on from music and do something else that wouldn’t make me feel so fucking horrible about myself. somehow, thanks to you and everyone else who made my dream come true, i made enough money to actually make a record.

two months later in january of 2016, i went home to florida from LA to visit my family for the holidays. thanks to my incredible fucking luck, some kind of crime ring was hitting licks on every major airline’s baggage claim at LAX post-holiday and my luggage containing 3 notebooks filled with all of my lyrics, 2 external hard drives and a bunch of little USB drives containing 2 years of my work were stolen. hmu if u want the police report for proof. 

i lost a lot of work (and learned the value of The Cloud- i hate to trust it after my nudes were leaked and my fucking whole bank account was emptied after someone hacked my shit in 2014, but here we are) and basically all morale but pieced together what i could from what i had left. i hired a producer i’ve admired for years to be the executive producer of my record and decided this fucking bullshit was an opportunity to make my shit better. due to unfortunate, unforgivable and honestly criminal circumstances, this fucking psycho wasted an upsetting amount of my time and decided to back out of my project. THAT particular situation keeps me up at night and i fucking live for the day i can tell that goddamn story, it truly shocks me that a human being could do me like that fool did me, yall will find out one day but ahem. anyway. 

after this incredible fucking scam, i decided to ONCE AGAIN start anew considering the legal and financial obligations of releasing music that had been co-written by this bad fucking person. i left my home in LA and went to stay at my dad’s house in florida, spent literally all of my time mastering production software and learning to play piano, and filled in all the shit i’d lost with new things i’d written and produced entirely on my own. then i got married, but that’s unimportant to this story. actually it is like, kind of important, but whatever.

i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in january 2016 and in march of 2016 i attempted suicide. i left an organized folder of songs, mockups for art, my bank account info and a note to my manager to make sure that my album was released because i literally could not comfortably die knowing that i let down the people who gave me money. im not tryna make anyone feel bad im just like saying cuz its part of the whole shit. anyway, i failed at killing myself and woke up in a bathtub of puke ready to go the fuck off. haven’t wanted to die since.

ahem. so. since i’m honestly 100% unable to trust a single fucking human being with my work and my thoughts after what happened up there ^^^^, i decided to set up a room in my new home for recording. i wrote, recorded, and produced (with some help, but like please bitch give me credit here) a fucking entire new album that i actually LIKED. im not shy about the fact that i think my music is stupid gimmicky- after trying to die and not dying and then getting help i realize i have like a little bit of talent i should actually appreciate. i finished recording and producing it, hired a person i trusted with a degree in music production to help me polish it and alas, he ran off without a single fucking word. thankfully i didn’t pay him a cent but like hey there u follow me on twitter and FUCK. YOU.

so now, as of about a month ago, i’ve absolutely perfected my songs (as much as i can- i still lose sleep over the imperfections im just not good enough to fix) and i’ve found the most trustworthy, hardworking team i’ve ever met to finish this shit. it’s demoralizing to recap the past year, mostly bc it was so fucking horrible for me, but i can promise you the last thing i would ever ever ever ever do is take a bunch of money and dip out with it. i do literally every single piece of this shit on my own, from the music to visuals to branding, and it’s hard. it’s time consuming. i have a job outside of music to provide for myself and for my family, and that takes up my time too. 

so i really apologize for the amount of time it’s taken for this record to be released. it fucking kills me to be waiting and i didn’t spend your money; god knows i would never in my fucking life just STEAL your money. the fact that anyone would ever accuse me of that makes me ILL.

i just want ya’ll to know there’s nothing easy about releasing music as an independent artist, especially one who refuses to accept anything less than perfection, and ESPECIALLY one who refuses to be disrespected and taken advantage of. i’m doing my best, and it took me a while. i feel like it’s worth it. it’ll be another 2 months or so. hit me up if you want a refund on your vinyl.

150710 // trb in sydney

SO i just got home from trb and im aching and tired but i wanted to get this gay bts feelings dump out of the way before i forget everything bc even now im feeling a little fuzzy and disorientated so you dont even have to read this bc its mostly for myself so i can remember this so yeah!! this actually ended up super super long so ill be honestly shocked if anyone reads this whole thing haha

for some bg info this was not only my 1st kpop concert ever but my first CONCERT ever in general so it was a Pretty Wild Time

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