this took me 100 years to make



I’m just tired, man. Like there’s so much angry and negativity in the world, and the one safe place I had for the last few years, the place where I found strength to get out of a really bad situation in my life, is gone. Poof.

Maybe I’m being over-dramatic, God knows I am so often, but this one took a lot from me. 

Look. Felix (Pewdiepie) made a mistake, he thought his little “joke” was comedy, but as someone who’s been studying comedy for the past four fucking years, racism is not comedy. If you’re gonna target a group of people for the sake of a joke, you make damn sure they deserve it. Jewish people do not deserve it. Saying “death to” a group of people who have had the fucking shit kicked out of them for centuries is not fucking funny. It’s sad and, quite honestly, lazy. What pisses me off is that instead of 100% owning up to it, he’s trying to write it off as a “joke gone wrong.” Buddy. Admit you fucked up big time. Admit the joke was not funny and that it wasn’t humor. It was not comedy. By calling it comedy, you offend people who pour their heart and soul into making the masses laugh and feel good. 

And then, major Youtubers backed him up, saying he’s “just being himself.” People like Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, Lordminion777, all people who in the past have supported love and acceptance. People who I’ve looked up to for years. Hell, I’d go as far to say Mark was an idol of mine. However, they all backed up someone who is too much of a coward and too into himself to admit he made a mistake. 

As someone who really admired these people, I’m hurt as hell. 

As someone who’s studied communications and public relations for the last four years, I’m pissed off as fuck. You wanna support him? Fine. But don’t try to step back from repercussions of doing so. You went into this mess, you STAY in. Pewdiepie landed himself in hot water and by supporting him just being his wacky ol’ self, you jumped right in too. I understand standing up for a friend, but if my friend went and pulled some shit like that? You bet your ass I’m calling them out. To pull from Harry Potter books, if Neville Longbottom can stand up to his friends, so can you.

To conclude, jokes about killing minorities isn’t comedy. If you try to use them for comedy, you’re lazy and you’re pretty pathetic. Pewdiepie is a grown adult, and needs to be held accountable for his actions.       

Ok the cancellation of Sense8 was prefixed ok. It’s not like Netflix didn’t know how much the show was costing. They had a freaking budget for it. Netflix is basically a TV network now okay. Before they didn’t really had to advertise because they had rights to pretty much all the shows and movies. However, once other networks realized how good Netflix was doing, they stopped given out rights and started streaming themselves, hence Hulu etc. That’s around the same time Netflix started making their own shows (House of Cards, OITNB). Now they are heavily reliant on their original content, just like all the other networks, but guess what? They don’t do nearly as much advertising. If you are going to spend $9 million per episode of a show (which is the reported cost for Sense8 episodes), why the hell would you not advertise it?

Let’s take Game Of Thrones, for instance. That’s another show that is shot in various countries, and costs millions per episode to make. The new season is starting on July 16, but HBO has been advertising that show for weeks already. Not a day goes by where I log into Facebook and don’t see at least 1 ad for GoT.  2 Months before the season is out and they are already getting the hype up. You know many times I saw an ad for Sense8 anywhere? Not once! Aside from a little behind the scenes shoot a year ago (May, 2016), and the Christmas Special, there was nothing! I didn’t even get an e-mail from Netflix telling me that the season had started. My friend had to remind me. How many times did they show Sense8 on the log-in page? I didn’t see it a single time. Did you? The ad from The Crown still there though!

2 years making this season; took so long people completely forgot about it, and then when it finally comes out they just kind of put it out there. No fuss; like it was nothing. How many times did the actors show up on late night or any other popular talk show  to promote Sense8? How many magazine spreads? Any promotional online photo-shoot and or campaign? Are you seriously going to tell me that they budgeted over $100 million dollars to produce the season of a show, and then expected to make their money back without any promotion? You don’t even have to be a business person to know how ridiculous that is. Anyone who’s ever made anything know that no one is going to buy your product, if they don’t know you’re selling it. The show doesn’t have a comic book following to back it up like the marvel shows, so it needs promoting. And with a nearly $100 million dollar budget, there is no way promotion and advertisement was overlooked. You don’t make a project that big and then just forget the fact that you need viewers watch it. This was done on purpose, and the fact that they are not even wrapping up the story shows exactly what kind of company Netflix is becoming.

Next year there’s gonna be 13 episodes on why some white boy became a school shooter, and another 12 on the shitty story a white boy with glowing fist doing bad fight choreography though! Herp derp

You know what would be kind of cool? If Whiskey was an international student. I know he’s been mostly headcanoned as latin and I’m 100% behind that so the possibilities of where he could come from are endless!

As somebody who moved from South America to U.K. the culture difference alone would be super interesting to read about.

Like in my first year I immediately made friends with the other international students and it took me a while before I felt confident enough to try and make friends outside that group. (Basically until my accent was good enough that I didn’t have to repeat myself a million times.)

If the LAX bros had other international students, I can totally see Whiskey finding more stuff in common with them that with the hockey team.

And I can also see Whiskey feeling intimidated by all this players who have been playing at a much higher competitive level. (In my experience hockey isn’t exactly common in Latin America).

Dunno, just a random idea I’d like to see. Sadly I don’t have a good grasp on the American side of things to try it myself…

Some Thoughts on TSC

I think that the Stolen Century is the weakest arc by a long shot. I don’t necessarily think that it’s a bad arc, the boys are very talented at making interesting stories; however I have a few criticisms for it nonetheless.

I think changing the story format this late in the game, while necessary to set up the finale, was a bit of a mistake. The tone of the story has changed due to how the boys are now presenting their dialogue and actions, going from “Please tell me your name.” to “Magnus asks them their name.” This small change has lead to a sort of constant reminder that this is a role playing game, and not a world we are experiencing firsthand. Personally, it makes the situations harder to imagine in my head, making it harder for me to form a solid mental image of whatever’s happening in audio.

Also the Bonds and Assets type gaming style makes the backstory feel less like “100 years of the story” and more like “100 years of goddamn grinding.” It’s less like a story building opportunity and more like “getting _____ amount of _____ to defeat the evil _____”. I want to be attached to the IPRE crew but I’m starting to feel they’re just bond dispensaries at this point. Their characters are also very underdeveloped (a consequence of having so many having to be fleshed out at once, it took up until at least the fourth arc before the THB got a reasonable amount of development in my opinion).

Regarding the evil, I would have liked it if we could have seen the points of view from several people within the hunger instead of “John Arbuckle Hunger” (again, a preference thing.) Maybe see some more points of view.

Do I hate this arc? No. Do I think it has flaws? Yes. These are all just kinda my personal scattered thoughts and feelings on TSC that I’ve been trying to organize cause I really want to like this arc, but there are reasons why I’m not as into it as the others.

DAY 3367

Malta                            June 16, 2017                    Fri 9:49 PM local time 

Birthday - EF - Sigali Siman Tov          Sat, June 17         …. it is birthday time and we wish Sigali a very happy one .. love from all of us ..Ef

Many are the arts in their finality that have been designed for me .. and they are truly most artistic .. but really some of the photographs that keep appearing on the platforms are truly amazing .. I wonder where it is obtained from .. and they rightly deserve a mention on record of its occurrence ..

An afternoon in Tashkent, Russia .. during the festival of films .. Raj Kapoor ji, Shashi ji were also there .. as were the family .. Shweta and Abhishek barely seen along with Jaya ..Abhishek actually signed his first autograph at this event .. quite confident he was asked by one of the Russian hosts to do so and he did .. we all laughed ..

Raj ji Shashji and I were placed before a mike and asked to sing a song .. any song .. and Raj ji took the lead and we sang ‘Saare Jahaan se achcha, Hindustan hamara ..’

‘The Great Gatsby’ premiere at Cannes .. and with the star Leonardo di Caprio at the red carpet and then on stage .. me giving introduction speech in Hindi .. 100 years of Indian Cinema .. he a most humble and down to earth co star .. caring and considerate through out the making of the film ..

Visiting Jaya on the sets of ‘Hazaar Chaurasi ki Ma’ ..Govind Nihalani the director .. and the eating and feeding continues .. !! this at Raj Kamal Studios ..

Oh … i could just go on and on and on .. but thank you Ef for these inputs .. 

and there be many more .. and I am unsure how these are made .. would someone enlighten me ..

Lamenting deficiencies may take away the pain of it for an instant .. but the long run remains with them ; the deficiencies .. if some is deformed and ugly .. there shall be some that is formed and beautiful .. the balance of nature is beyond all doubt .. having and being in possession of the best, the worth, the biggest and the largest are mere adjectives to describe them .. in practical terms they are just alphabets .. thoughts of the mind and the physical presence of the material - and deficiencies are often valued against deficiencies - shall ever remain .. and shall remain with them that are in possession of the deficient .. no other will or shall have the capacity to give the feel of it .. it never can .. for they are not the sufferer .. the sufferer is the one that holds it .. holds it day and night, lives breathes with it .. suffers its inadequate performance or demands of it .. other than him there are perhaps sympathisers .. and we know all about them from one of Babuji’s poems described earlier .. 

Deficiency needs bearing and will .. the will to still be in its strength, even though all else crumbles about .. others will refer to it as that .. you will never .. for admitting it is a failure .. a retirement .. a death ..

As someone once said : ‘To retire is to die’ !!

Kill not thyself by the limitations of what could not happen, or was not what was required .. not of standard .. of lesser quality ..

That lesser, has the capacity to be the best example of more .. for when the less does normal, it becomes the more  .. 

Having more and stating its presence as more .. is boring .. static ..

Having less and stating its more or building up to more is revolution and reigning the crown .. 

I shall have the lesser than most other .. but the will to make it seem or look more is the battle that shall be won .. and win we shall .. everyone is not perfect ..

And should never be ..

The perfect have no place on Earth .. on life .. on with us .. on with us in humanity .. for if thou art perfect, then why wait here in the world of Mother Earth .. your place is not required here .. you would be better off ‘upstairs’ .. leave us mortals to work out our imperfections, until ..

Good night

Amitabh Bachchan

What happened last night? ~ theo Reaken

Theo Raeken x Reader 

Request - can you a Theo one where reader wakes up in his bed after a pack party with no memory and sore with bruises (attacked or raped if you will write that) she thinks Theo hurt her as her memory slowly comes back in stages ty in advanced = anonymous 

Warnings - DON’T NOT READ IF EASY OFFENDED -  Strong language, talk of sex and mention of rape, drugs and alcohol,


A/N - this is the first time ive done wrote anything like this. story is set in past and present this is set between the night before (flashback) and present time (real time) 

**real time **
You wake keeping your eyes closed, your head was sore. As you start stretch out your body throbs in pain. your hand hits a wall that should be a velvet headboard. Confused you Open your eyes but don’t recognize the room it had no window and pipes across one wall. It felt like a was a basement. the room was dark with a small light and a strong earthly smell. Sitting up letting your eyes adjust to the dim orange light, lifting your arms they had big bruising around them. “where the fuck am I? what the hell happened last night? ” (y/n) thinks to herself.

Getting out of bed realising you was wearing an unrecognisable large short sleeved tee-shirt and nothing else. Where is my underwear? Comes to mind as you start looking around the room. It was empty except for a bed a set of chest of draws and the was a chair next the bed with a pair of sweatpants a note ‘wear me’ a bottle of water again a sticky note 'drink me’. You took the bottle opening downing half in one go. You grabbed the pants sliding them up your legs, the top of your thighs was also coated in small round bruises. As you muscles move the pain shots though your legs to your stomach making you whimper low.
Sitting on the edge of the bed now clothed you cover your face with hands. Feeling swelling to the sides of your face and a graze on your cheekbone.  looking up when the door opened panicked, There was Theo Raeken stood looking at you with his signature smirk. “where I’m? I how did I get here?” you asked voice still broken. His smirk dropped “you don’t remember” you  frowned thinking last night was Lydia’s party. 

“it’s the party of the year” Lydia said as she handed you and the pack invites to her end of school forever party.
You didn’t really like party’s but had promised everyone you would go.  (y/n) goes to Allison’s “(y/n) I have found the perfect dress for you” she shrieked as you entered her bedroom. “really I don’t think it’s quite me” I asked looking, at the little black dress.
“you have a date you can’t go on your shorts and baby tee” she said back handing me the dress to try on. She cooed about it looking amazing on you.
I got to the party and I saw my date waiting for me, Jackson Whitmore was smirking holding out his arm for me to take “(y/n) you look amazing I don’t think I have ever seen you in a dress before” he whispered in my ear making me feel special as we walked in together.

**real time**
Theo was stood there waiting for me to speak looking guilty, I couldn’t help but think was he the one who gave me the bruises. “I hope the clothes are okay for you” he said braking the silence “where the hell is my dress?” I ask looking at him. Theo doesn’t look at me he keeps his head down “it was ripped and torn and bloody I put it in the bin when I gave you that to wear” he said low pointing at the grey tee-shirt I had woken in, finally looking me in the eyes. My mouth was sore as I swallowed like it was raw from shouting. I didn’t want to think about why my dress was ripped and why Theo looked sad. ’ Did we have sex? is that why I’m sore and bruised I thought and had forgotten. Why couldn’t I remember the night. It wasn’t like I had drank a lot 2 I think maybe 3.

**flashback **
Jackson had gone to get you both a drink he came back minuets later with a bottle of larger and glass of something pink and fizzy. while drinking Jackson whispered sweet think in your ears. “I cant believe you came to this with me, I’m the luckiest guy here to be with you y/n, I wish I could kiss you,” his words made you smile more and more. when you finished your drink you went to dance dragging Jackson with you. he held you close his hand tightly on your waist, your hands went around his neck as you both swayed to the slow song playing. he lowered his head gently kissing your lips then rested his head against your forehead. when the song finishes Jackson kissed you again this time more passionate then the chaste kiss you shared while dancing. you pull back after a couple of seconds smiling up at him biting your lip. Jackson leaves to get another drink you saw him talking to Danny so you went to your friends.

“y/n you came” Scott called as you hugged Allison. “yes McCall I came Lydia would have killed me if I hadn’t.” you reply. “do you have a drink?” he asked looking at my empty hands, “no Jackson was getting us one but he’s still chatting with Danny” you tell the alpha. Scott leave to get you all some. “I saw you kissing Jackson” Allison squealed with a childish grin. you blush thinking did the captain of the lacrosse team really into you. Scott comes back with 3 plastic cups, Allison takes the first one as you go to take the next one he stops saying “that’s mine this one, this is a special one made just for you” his devilish smirk makes you laugh it was the same drink Jackson had given you early this time it teased different. nicer like it was made with less alcohol. another 40 minuets or so later you was feeling drunk not fall over drunk but merry happy want to love everyone and dance drunk. Both Jackson and Scott wanting to dance with you.
Jackson was kissing you again when you heard a load “awww” behind you. it was Lydia smiling at you both Jackson left so you could talk with your friend. “omg since when have you been a thing?” she shouted excited pointing at me and the back of Jackson. you didn’t answer still not knowing if you had a thing with Jackson he hadn’t looked at you before really unless you count him asking you to the party as his date. “well its better then y/n pinning over Theo” Kira said Allison and Lydia both gave her a death glare. “What it’s true have you seen the way she looks at him?” Kira defended. 

But it was true you had a crush on the school bad-boy but was to scared to talk to him the whole pack hated him but I couldn’t help the butterflies I got when he was around. “well ill never get him so its time to move on” I say finishing my drink.

**real time **
 I had followed Theo out the room into another still feeling scared. this room looked a little cosier,  but still had thick pipes along a wall and no windows. Making me think I wasn’t in a basement but underground possibly.
The new room had a couch and a chair, a large rug and a television on a large cabinet. They looked like the had been down here for years the rug was dirty yet the couch looked clean. When I sat down I could smell something citrus like he’d only just sprayed it with air freshener. I watched him go to the cabinet under the TV. The was 100s of DVD init. He took one of (y/f/m) and put it on. He looked at me with a sympathy smile “are you okay” he asks. 

“where are we Theo?” I asked anger lined your voice. He sighed and sat next to me I shifted away from him closer to the end of the couch. “I lived here when I was living with the dread doctors it was the safest most secluded place I could think of.” the chimera said. I felt scared again. I was in the underground tunnels no one would find me here I thought. My imagination going crazy, was Theo going to kill me down here? Was I going to be the next experiment? all the feelings I had ever had for the blond boy had gone butterflies replaced by sickly worry and fear.  

I looked the door thinking how far could I get before he caught me. I knew the reality in my hurt aching state I wouldn’t make the door. “your scared of me?” this was a statement not a question. “wouldn’t you be scared! waking in a bed with no memory of the night before.” a rush of anger crushed me “I wake up in your bed my dress is ripped I’m black and blue what the fuck did you do to me Raeken?" 

Theo looked mortified. He want to step towards me you I panicked running to the door. Theo was in front of it quicker then me. "y/n what! Why, why do you think I did this?” He said he’s sad at first before breaking out into to that smirk of his “who do you think I am?”
“your Theo Raeken the evil Chimera this is something you would do isn’t it” was all you said back with an accusing look. “What madness is it, to be expecting evil before it comes y/n?” Theo said, looking at him confused he rolls his eyes “I didn’t hurt you, I found you like… That” he said hardly looking at the marks on your “bringing you here.” he finished with sigh “if that’s true, where did you find me? ” I asked thinking I didn’t see him at the party. “ you called me ” he answered. 

Starting your 3rd drink you started to feel dizzy don’t drunk dizzy but something isn’t right dizzy. Thinking fresh air is best out begin to walk to the door. Scott see you leave and walks over “y/n what’s wrong?are you okay” he asks putting his arms around you. “I’m great I’m floating” you laugh giddy but quickly your head felt worse your legs not working the way you wanted them too.

“Scott gave you his jacket to keep you warm it was ice outside with a chilling wind. Everything was a blur, you struggled to focus on Scott face your body swayed trying to keep your self up right. Your mind starting to panic, this isn’t right I don’t feel drunk more drugged Scott’s voice was a mass of noise nothing understandable to you. Blinking at him a few times still not being able to see you try to tell Scott something was in one of your drinks but nothing comes out panic sets in as Scott holds you. 

You nearly fall backwards when Scott’s lips come crashing onto yours roughly kissing you his hand on you back was the only thing keeping you up right. For a brief for seconds you kiss him then realize it’s wrong. Scott had had a girlfriend you was here with Jackson but was in love with someone else. You pushed Scott away saying you can’t what about Allison Scott shrugs his shoulders going to kiss you again but you slap him. Running away from Lydia’s house "y/n! I’m sorry y/n! Don’t” Scott was shouting behind you but you ran far until his voice faded to nothing.

Crying over what you had done to your closest friend and the effects of the drugs in your drink, you started stumbling, falling into a trees bouncing off them like a pin ball. intoxicated you didn’t feel the pain, You stopped at the road walking in slow messy zigzags, your hands fumble into Scott’s coat finding a mobile. 

The lock screen was Scott and Allison sending you into a crying mess again this time it wasn’t just because of the betrayal but your heart was pinning someone would never believed you could never have. SMAA was his phone code, you scroll down to the T section in his phone looking for a taxi number.
The phone rang 4 times before a gruff sleepy voice answered. “can I have a taxi toooooo” you the the Oh sound looking for the name of the road you was on. “this isn’t a taxi service it’s Theo” your heart froze “Theo” you slurred “y/n is that you? Why do you have Scott’s phone?” He asked sounding more awake. “Scott’s a jerk and I guess I robbed his phone” you shouted giddy talking to Theo. “you know your gorgeous” you tell him not caring if you was making a fool of yourself. He answered with a questioning “oh yeah?” you continue to tell him you think he’s sexy and hot and you have a crush on him. 

“are you drunk y/n” he asked laughing. You was still swaying in and out of the road. Your head throbbing reminding  you of the earlier worries of being drugged.

**real time**
I looked at Theo walking towards the couch. He had gone and gotten warm water and some wash clothes. He looked at me with a kind smile holding up the damp cloth. Without speaking I knew he was asking to clean my cuts. I hiss as the cloth touches the grazes across my shoulder. Trying to take my mind ignoring the stinging I make small talk with Theo “how long have I been here?” “3 hours ” he said back. Gently brushing the cloth across your neck nit taking his eyes from your. 

“your starting to remember?” you couldn’t tell if it was a statement or question. But Theo has heard your heart beat jump the send or fear and hate pour off you, the long moments you closed your eyes.
“slowly, stages not everything.” you say back. Not sure anymore if you wanted to remember. “do you remember me finding you?” his asked hopefully. You shook your head no. He looked down “I vaguely remember calling you I had Scott’s jacket on. I wanted a taxi I think” you say griping to the fragments you had. Theo smirked and gave a little chuckle, “you said some really nice things about me.” you face flushed pink going a deeper red the more he looked at you. “do you remember who was there you walked off with someone else” he told you what he heard from your drunken call. 

“we was talking you sounded really drunk. You was talking to someone else I heard you say hello, I didn’t hear who it was just muffled talking before the phone fell and a few seconds later you screaming”. You listened to him getting more memories back. Theo didn’t want to say the words he need you to remember. 

Your vision was bad, a mix of fussy shapes and blurry colours, you could see a tall figure the dark haired boy still unrecognisable. Your body felt numb and uncoordinated. You felt arms steady you out “come on I’ll help you out doll face I can make you feel good! ” he whispered. After a few steps into the woods you say “I need to go my taxi is coming.” finally realising this wasn’t where you wanted to be. At some point the phone had slipped out of your hand. Your focus and awareness at its worst. You was near the road closing your eyes for what felt like a second reopening them you couldn’t work out where you was or see the road anymore. You tried to stop and turn back but the person who had you was too strong.

 Screaming loudly your voice echoes through the trees. A hand hits your face, the stinging you can feel the heat in your cheeks as tears fill your eyes. “s.. Stop please” you struggle to speak. He grabbed your jaw squeezing as hard as he could turning your head to face the side. You felt his mouth roughly kiss and bite your neck. You try to push the attacker off but your body refused to move. His weight had vanished from you you tried to look at him but your eye lids too heavy to keep open. Unaware you slid down the tree almost falling into a drugged sleep “stay with me a little longer” a unclear voice called along with sounds of a belt undoing. Everything that happened next was like flashes and short clips

You felt his body close to you again this time his hands ran up your thighs brushing over your underwear. Next, You hear a loud rip,then hear a second one as you feel your underwear fall. Then trying to move to run away, you fall to the ground. Starting to crawl away you hear a laugh as he flips you into your back.
You felt his hands inside you as you screamed out for him to stop or for help. You don’t really remember what exactly happened only the feelings of pain or the odd words. You felt him inside you the pain from how rough he was going, the grip he had around your arms. You didn’t remember how or when but he had flipped you onto your front. you remember him pushing you face into the ground the tease of soil in your mouth. The feeling in the pit of your stomach making you want to vomit as he was pushing himself in and out of you violently.

Each clip of memory was less clearer then the last more blurred, but the feeling and the pain the tears strong and vivid. Although with the last thing you remember before passing out completely. His breath against your neck and voice in your ear “I hope you enjoyed that as much as me doll face”. 

Theo pov
Y/n had called she was drunk and called me by mistake but it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t see me as evil. I heard a voice but couldn’t work out who it was. All I could tell was a male voice telling y/n to go with him. I screamed for her not too but she didn’t have the phone to her ear . I got dressed when I heard her trying to leave the unknown man, Then was a screaming it was y/n. I got in my car driving towards Lydia’s if she was on foot she couldn’t be far. I tried calling Scott’s phone back hearing it ringing in the distance running to it. I found the phone on the floor and called her, finally I could the smell of blood.
Following the sent I found her. Her hair was messy, face swollen, dirty and cut. Her dress ripped hardly covering her beaten body. I took my jacket wrapping her in it. I could sense someone else around the woods, I picked her up taking her to the tunnels to a place I felt safe.

The only girl who felt anything for me or I felt anything for, was broken and beaten in the light I could truly how much. Something inside me broke, I got a clean shirt putting it on her, getting clothes and water for when she woke up.

**real time**
You cried as Theo hugged you. You had told him everything you had remembered. “I don’t know who it was I don’t remember his face” you said to him. “I promise I’ll find him y/n” he answered full of hate, his arms tighten and for the first time since you woke in Theo’s bed you relaxed. It was nearly 6am and Theo asked of you was ready to go to the Sheriff. You nod asking if he had a bathroom you could wash up in. Really you wanted a mirror to she how bad you really looked. In the past couple of hours, Theo you look at you with explainable looks, a mix of sadness and cringing. He showed you a small room turning a light on, saying the water was cold but you didn’t care.

Once he closed the door you ran to the mirror. The was a large bruise across your cheek bone with a deep cut. Two big bite marks on your neck. You shudder at the thought of him doing it. The cuts and grazes on both your shoulders and hand print bruises on your arms. The sight made you sick running to the toilet you vomited causing the pain deep in your stomach. Theo ran in holding your hair back and your hand, you notice his vain go black instantly you feel the pain fade.

** few days later in school **
Theo had stayed with you the rest of the weekend. He went with you to sheriff Stilinski and waited for the who interview and then took you to Melissa so she could do a hospital rape kit. Waiting outside until your finished just like he had at the station.
Theo tried to talk you into taking the time off school but you wouldn’t listen to him. “everyone at that party goes to our school” you say to him “and so is the wanker who did this to me” you get dressed wearing a zip up hoodie to hide your bruised body. Theo stayed with you sat next to you in classes even of he didn’t have that class. He even waited outside the toilet for you.
“have you seen her face, I know Theo has a reputation but I didn’t think he was like that” a girl from your maths class was talking with some other girls, claiming Theo was responsible for hurting you. “Theo didn’t hurt me if you keep spreading lies you’ll regret it” you said putting them straight. Outside Theo smiled he’d heard everything you’d said to the girls. You walked over to Scott to give him his phone back. Theo had doubts about Scott as you was last talking to him before the attack.

“hi y/n” he said with a smile then frowned when he saw you with Theo. “What happened to you? ” he asks when he see’s the blackened marks and cut on your cheek “nothing I’m fine! here’s you phone” you coldly handing it over feeling nervous. He was to reach a hand out to you but you stepped back a little. Scott looked down at his feet “look I’m sorry about trying to kiss I don’t know why I did it” he confesses. You give him a soft smile before walking away with Theo.
“it’s not him” Theo says holding your hand calming your anxiety that was building. You looked up at him waiting for more “his heartbeat didn’t change he wasn’t the voice on the phone too his breathing is different” Theo explained.
Lydia and Allison saw you in the library. Came over “so are you dating Theo coz it really looks like? hes hardly felt you all day?” Lydia asked. 

It was true in the past few days he always held your hand or had his arm around you. It was like you had become a couple without ether of you actually saying or asking. You looked at her shrugging you shoulders as you all walked and talked to your next class “I don’t know he’s just been there for me since.. ” you didn’t finish. Lydia knew what had happened because of stiles who found out from his dad. Soon the whole school would know now Noah started the in school interviews. He’d already spoke with a few of the boys in your year already
“didn’t you have a good time with me?” spinning your head to the new voice. Jackson was stood with his mate Danny. “What are you talking about” Lydia asked for you. He looked at you again with a smile “y/n she left the party early, what didn’t you have a good time with me doll face” you froze at his works “doll face” played in your mind the same name you remember from that night. 

You slowly walk backwards when you see something out the corner of your eye.
It was Theo he ran at Jackson pushed him to the floor. “What the hell” Jackson shouted “it was you who attacked y/n” he roared back. Jackson just laughed “I wouldn’t call it an attack more a good time” everyone gasped at his confession and lack of remorse, the comments around the class room from shocked classmates.

Theo punched him Jackson hit the floor Theo sitting on his chest punching Jackson repeatedly. Holding his head and hitting again “you think your funny drugging girls” he hit Jackson again “dragging them into the woods and raping them” again another powerful punch. You scream to stiles to go get his dad, you see the short haired boy leave as you try to stop Theo. The class was now around them trying to pull Theo off. 

Jackson stood up his face covered in blood. He looked at you with an explainable look it was like a smirk but also a glare like it’s not over, everyone’s reaction the class all looked at him with disgust or a saddened look at you. Theo saw him glaring at you “don’t you even look at her” Theo shouted as he lunged at Jackson but Scott grabbed him as stiles’s dad ran in grabbing Jackson putting him in handcuffs.

Theo looked you was shaking and crying he hugged you pulling you close to his chest. “shhh it’s okay y/n he can’t hurt you” his voice was kind and sweet. You felt his hand on your back rubbing small cycles to calm you “I’ll never let anything happen to you again, never let anyone hurt you. I love you y/n” he whispered. You tighten you hug happy at his words Theo walks you out the room and the both of you go with Parrish to give your statements.
When you had finished Theo held your hand taking you home. You relaxed breathing a sigh of relief knowing who had hurt you and he would never do it again.

We Used To Be Friends (We're Gonna Be Lovers)

Hey, so a while back (sorry for the delay) I got the drabble prompts, “I broke your nose, and I’m sorry for that. But what you’re doing isn’t fair.” from @zimdan19, “Who gave you that black eye?” and “You’re still mad?” from @adnaismynameandbarcaismylove (she did say either/or, but I was up for a challenge) and “I let you win” from @octarine-flash. However, looking at those four prompts I saw the potential for one single, longer fic. So I’m hoping those three lovely people won’t be offended at my incorporating their prompts into this one story. I hope it doesn’t make it feel any less special or personal for them because I consider myself lucky to have all of them in my life. It just seemed to work better this way than separately, but please feel free to choose another prompt, just for you, if any of you want to. And in the meantime I hope you enjoy this story, which I dedicate to all three of you.😘😘😘

We Used To Be Friends (We’re Gonna Be Lovers)

“You’re still mad?”

Harvey pulled up short, the three little words said in a voice he didn’t know well, but had hoped he’d never hear again, floating down the otherwise quiet corridor and stopping him in his tracks. He’d assumed that with none of the other partners’ associates working on anything big right now (or sharing his own associate’s work ethic), that Mike would be the only one in the bullpen at this time of night. Obviously he’d been wrong. But that voice didn’t belong to any employee of the firm. And it didn’t belong anywhere near Mike. Its owner had forfeited that privilege long ago. If he’d ever deserved it to begin with.

Keep reading


For years I thought that my weight was the cause of my loneliness, that I would never find anyone to love me because I was fat. The truth was I didn’t value myself so I let dick head guys make me feel shit.

Then one day I met a guy at work and he was so polite, friendly and lovely. He wasn’t my usual type, but he was handsome and sweet. I thought we were just friends, because ya know, guys were always too ashamed to actually go out with me. Then out of the blue one week he asked me out, he said he thought I was funny, beautiful and that I had a cute welsh accent.

It was weird to have someone look beyond my size as so many guys wanted to keep me as some dirty fat secret. So, I took a chance and said yes. Turns out that was a good choice because 6 years down the line I am literally happier than I have ever ever ever been in my life. Dan makes me feel like the most special person in the world and he is 100% part of the reason why I am in such a content place with my body image.

Where I’m trying to go with this is please don’t let the way people treat you make you feel like you don’t deserve the happy ending. Open your minds and hearts to the idea that love surpasses looks and size, be kind to yourself and to other people and you will welcome in opportunities that will lead to special things. Most importantly believe in yourself and your worth, love starts with yourself and that truly is the greatest love story.


Warnings: swearing, fluff. Pairings: Pietro Maximoff x Reader. A/N: this one shot was requested by @la-rosa-de-valaina23 The numbers asked were 3, 46 and 94 from the prompt list. Gif not mine. It was Pietro and Wanda’s birthday. I was super excited because we were going to a very exclusive club that Tony reserved for the gang. Wanda, Natasha and I were getting ready. Tony bought us some really fancy dresses, he wasn’t original though. He bought Wanda a red dress and Nat a black one, they are Scarlet Witch and Black Widow. He bought me a beautiful white dress, it was tight and short, enough to catch Pietro’s attention. My girl friends knew how I felt about him, whenever he passed by, I acted like I was doing something really serious and like I didn’t care about him at all, then the girls would look at me and make funny faces. They were like sisters to me. When I first joined the avengers, I was clumsy and naive but they helped me to find the real me, this gorgeous fearless woman I am now. I loved being me around them, they made me a better person. Natasha tough me how to fight with and without weapons, on the other hand Wanda taught me how to manipulate people mentally, without any power may I add. The guys of the team would be really nice to me, no one would disrespect me or make fun of me, that way I could feel this like home. We are a family, a family with so much sex tension. Wanda and Vision were always flirting and touching each other “in an innocent way ”, they would cook together, watch a tv show together but they never kissed. There is also the weird relationship of Natasha and Dr Banner, they were so cute together. When he turned into the “other guy”, she was the only one who could pull Banner back. I felt laughs behind me. “What?” I turned around to see my girls. “We were talking about you and you didn’t hear a thing?” Natasha inquired raising an eyebrow. “I was thinking” I said looking at myself on the mirror. Then realized that I needed a dark lipstick if I wanted to look sexy af. “We were saying that my brother is going to faint when he sees you” I couldn’t help but blush “Oh look, she’s blushing” “Stop girls. Even if I walked there naked, he wouldn’t notice me” I said looking down. “Then we’ll make him look at you” Nat said standing up. “How?” I said confused. “You’re making him jealous. We just need a boy who plays your love interest” She said and Wanda clapped. “I know! While you are talking to him, we’ll be talking to Pietro and saying things like ‘he’s cute’ and stuff” Wanda wanted to make his brother jealous, that’s a thing I’ve never seen coming. “You think?” I asked without any trace of confidence. “Oh cmon. You look gorgeous, everyone is going to be looking at you” Nat said and made me smile. “Fine, just I hope I don’t screw this up” we laughed. We all arrived at the club, the music was way too loud. The club was dark, I could see my friends’ faces only when a green light passed by. We had a table just for us, Pietro was surrounded by gorgeous women and I was jealous as fuck, jealous and angry. My head started hurting five minutes after we got in, so I decided to leave them and went to the bar to get a drink. I ordered a margarita and the bartender told me it was on the house, I assumed that Tony paid for everything. The cold drink ended up being two cold drinks. I thought I was seeing double but it was a different drink. Pietro was sitting next to me with a bright smile on his face and I looked at him with the best resting bitch face I had. I turned my head around and he touched my shoulder. “Hey. Is everything okay?” I wanted to yell at him for being with those girls. “Everything is fine Pietro.” I said seriously. “Why are you mad at me?” I raised an eyebrow trying to keep playing fool. “I’m not mad at you, Piet. Go and have fun. I’ll be there in a minute” I gave him a fake smile and he walked away happily. I ordered another margarita because if I was going to be around Pietro and his girls, I was going to need a lot more of alcohol. I drinked the drinking so quick I got a little dizzy. I stepped accidentally with a guy. “Oh I’m sorry” I said. He looked angry. “You should be more careful, drunk girls aren’t pretty” oh no he shouldn’t. “Excuse me? I’m not drunk and if I was, it wouldn’t be your business” I snapped back. “Who do you think you are? I’m calling the owner of the place” I felt an awful pain, it was because he grabbed my wrist so damn violent that it was hurting me. He looked me in my eyes. “Listen asshole. I am an avenger, Tony Stark invited me, go to the manager and he will kick you out. So let me go or you will regret it” He wasn’t scared of me, not at all. “Oh I’m shaking-” I kicked him in the balls and he fell down quickly. “Now you’re shaking” I walked towards the table. I sat next to Wanda and in front Pietro. I tried to avoid the fact that my wrist was killing me. I put my left hand, the injured one, down the table so they couldn’t see it. I tried not to think about it because Wanda would try to read my mind. So I thought of Pietro with the other girls. It was one blonde girl who I think she was touching him under the table while a ginger girl was whispering things to him. The whole idea of him with other girls made me sick. I just wanted to go home and sleep. Wanda looked at me and smiled. I didn’t understand why until Steve sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me. “Hi gorgeous” he smiled with that perfect smile of his. “Hi Steve. How are you?” He definitely cheered me up when I was feeling down. He was a great friend and the best thing is that he knew I wasn’t interested in him and he wasn’t interested in me either. So we were great friends. He came closer and whispered to my ear. “Wanda told me you wanted to make Pietro jealous” he whispered and I felt so damn happy. I had totally forgot the idea of making him jealous. I giggled and pulled him away. “Steve! Don’t say that” I played the fool and he laughed. “Are you bored? Maybe you and I should go to the dance floor” he said and I nodded. “Let’s see if you’ve got some moves, Rogers” He grabbed my hand and took me to the dance floor. Steve was a great dancer, for his age. He was almost 100 years but he moved like people that are 30. He was awesome, knew how to handle his body and definitely he knew how to make Pietro jealous. His hands were always on my waist, pulling me closer to him. He was very good at this. He got closer to my ear. “I think he’s coming” he said without going away. “Why do you think that?” I couldn’t see a thing. “Because he saw us from the table and now he’s gone” I looked at Steve and then I saw him. Pietro was walking towards us very angry. He stood next to Steve. “Y/N. Can I talk to you for a second?” Steve walked away with his thumbs up. “What’s up, Pietro? Your girls were so shallow that they fell asleep while talking?” I said angry. “What? No. I can’t stand the fact that you were dancing like that with him. Since when you and Steve were a thing?” He was heartbroken. “It’s none of your business Pietro. I can date who I want” I snapped back. “No, you can’t” he was furious. I’d never seen him like that before. “Oh really? And why’s that?” I teased him. “Oh my god, Y/N. Can’t you see? I love you!” He said and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You what?!” I needed to hear it again. “I love you Y/N. You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. You are kind, honest, fearless and gorgeous. I will die if I let you go” I smiled. “I love you too, Piet” he smiled and hugged me. He put his sweet lips over mine, he tasted like vodka and orange juice. His lips were soft but they definitely knew what they were doing. He pulled me away and smiled. “Happy birthday Pietro” “That was the best present ever. Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?” He inquired. “Because I was afraid you didn’t feel the same and maybe that could ruin our friendship” I said looking down. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “There’s no way I wouldn’t be in love with you” he kissed me again. “Let’s go with the guys"We were walking to the table and he stopped. He grabbed my hurt wrist and showed it to me “Who did this to you? Y/N… who hurted you?” “Believe me, it was nobody. He got what he deserved anyway. I kicked him in the balls” he kinda laughed. He was worried anyway “I’m fine Piet, now I am” Then, we sat together and the sluts were gone. Steve was smiling me from across the table, Nat was sitting next to him. Wanda was making funny faces like she was kissing some invisible man. Then Tony came in. “You two?” He pointed at Pietro and me. Pietro grabbed my hand and squeezed it “Finally. Everyone owes Wanda twenty bucks”

Originally posted by littlemisssyreid

anonymous asked:

So I, a common 14 year old had to explain I'm asexual to a surprisingly incompetent girl. She didn't let me speak or fully explain, and took it all as a joke. Being the patient and calm person I am... I gave up and yelled out "I MAKE CLONES OF MYSELF TO REPRODUCE MY SPECIES SO I CAN DEVOUR ALL OF HUMANITY! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? WAS THIS THE ANSWER YOU WANTED? NOW GO AWAY AND DON'T TALK TO ME, YOU GIVE ME HEADACHES". Yes, very calm and rational (coughcoighI'mdyingnowthatIrealizewhatIdidcough)

100% calm reaction great job

anonymous asked:

I have to say: one thing that bothers tf outta me is that so many antis say that Snape awarded hella points to his house but he never awarded points to anyone?? at all?? and that argument confuses me because of that. I mean, there's other ridiculous agruments that are made, put this one just bothers me because I've never really seen it addressed and do the antis even do their research? Sure, he took points for ridiculous reasons, I admit, but he never awarded points to slytherin :/

i know i know i KNOW

that one post that claims snape singlehandedly makes sure slytherin “cheats” to their win in first year drives me up the fucking WALL because in the ENTIRE SERIES snape doesn’t award a SINGLE POINT to his own house. not! one! point! and yet somehow he’s giving them enough points that they win with a significant margin (at least 100 points) over the rest of the houses??????????

i went through and counted all the points snape hands out a while back and the fact of the matter is while there are a few instances of him abusing the points system, most of the points he takes away in the books are justified and in pretty reasonable amounts. (5, 10 points here and there for actual infractions.) mcgonagall takes away almost as many points from gryffindor as snape does throughout the series. 

and!!!!! the people who make this argument are suddenly blind and cant read when someone points out how fucking biased dumbledore is when he awards points to gryffindors???

mostly i’m just pissed bc people are trying to justify dumbledore snatching the house cup away at the last possible second from an entire house (including eleven year old first years for fucks sake) as if that’s not such a fucking terrible thing to do to children when he could have arranged the points to be given earlier so they wouldn’t think they’d won only to have the victory snatched from them.

honestly i almost dislike dumbledore for that moment more than i dislike him for anything else he does in the series. it was so thoughtlessly cruel toward slytherins for little to no reason??? it was so MEAN and unnecessary and fucking biased and anyone who tries to justify it is probably someone who thinks slytherins are full of bigoted muggle haters and deserve whatever they get.

anyway! the point is, i am with you anon, it’s completely bonkers to accuse snape of being biased to his own house with points when we never see him award anything.

sherlollipops  asked:

hello! i just bought a wacom tablet, and while i'm waiting for it to be shipped i thought i might as well ask some artists i admire for advice: 1. how easy is it to make the transition from traditional to digital art? any tips? 2. what pen settings do you use in photoshop for lineart? 3. hoW DO YOU DRAW STRAIGHT, NON-FEATHERY LINES??? i tried on my friend's ipad pro and i had to use the eraser to make the lines neat, and i can't seem to color inside the lines. sry if you've already answered this

Heya! Always an exciting moment I would say! My answers would be based on a personal experience so it might be very different from another person.

1. Very, very hard. This is mostly because I was unfamiliar with the programs, getting used to drawing not on 100% (like how you’d see an A4 paper as a whole), and pretty much just getting used to a new medium altogether. It took me about 3 years before I finally found the right brushes, the right techniques and basically getting the hang of it. When I just started, it took me about a week to a month (yes I’m not joking) to finish a coloured piece. Now it comes to me very naturally and takes just a couple of hours to complete the very same piece.

2 & 3. I can’t draw clean lineart. If you’ve seen my art up close, you’ll never see it being neat and refined. So i decided to embrace the sketchy lineart and work around it. To reduce harshness, I always lower my opacity to about 70-80%. And if you’re really concerned about smooth lines, I suggest using SAI or Clip Studio Paint that both offer stabilisers. I use PS and CSP but I always use PS for my lineart because before I had CSP, I had to work around making lineart without a stabiliser. It worked out in the end.

4. Colouring: MMmmm.. I normally create a layer underneath my lineart and then paint a whole blob and manually erase it clean. 

Hope this helps!

anonymous asked:

Can you do Finn Balor + #26?

Prompt: “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”

Featuring Sheamus ^_^

During text message part F=  Your Friend. Y= You

You and Finn had been in a relationship for 3 years when he started to make it big in wrestling, but thats also the time things ended between you two. Finn had the opportunity to go to Japan and wrestle, however things were going really well in your job meaning you were thinking more about wanting to settle and maybe start a familly. Of course you didn’t want to hold Finn back and he didn’t want to stand in the way of your career and dreams so although it hurt the both of you, you decided to end things. Of course this devistated you but Finn even more so, he was planning on propsing to you a few months later but of course with the sudden change in career rise plans had changed.

Now 10 years later you were at the top of your career and living in America with your husband Sheamus. You had met Sheamus a couple off years back when you first moved to America, you were wondering the streets trying to follow the map on your phone to find the grocery store when you walked into someone. That someone was Sheamus and after helping you find the grocery store and figuring out you had a lot in common Sheamus asked for your number and as they say the rest is history.

You were currently sat on one of the crates backstage with Sheamus, getting ready to watch the fatal 4 way match. The 4th entrant had yet to be announced and as the music hit you tensed up. Of course over the years you’d heard Finn was part of the WWE but you didnt know he’d be debuting tonight.

“We can leave if you want love?” Shemaus asked noticing your shudden change, of course you had told him about your past with Finn and how you thought he was the one. Just as Sheamus had told you about his past.

“No it’s okay. Just a shock that’s all.” You smiled at him hopping down off the crate. “I’ll go get us some food and meet you back at the locker room yeah?” He smiled sweetly at you, brushing some hair out of your face he pulled you in for a kiss.

“Sounds good love. I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll see you later. I love you.”

“I love you too.” He mumbled against your lips giving you one last kiss. Making your way to catering you got a text from one of your best friends back home.

F - I saw Finn’s debut …how you doing?

Y - Good…..a little taken back, some fellings reamerging but good :)

F - Are you gonna talk to him?

Y - Idk it’s been like 10 years… a lot has happened since then. Besides what would we talk about?

F - Exactly. Who knows what Ferg is thinking now ;)

Y - You do know I’m happily married right? You were at our wedding!

F - I know! Thats not what I meant… maybe it’ll do you guys good to talk…..after all you were the one that said it dragged up a load of feelings ;)

You huffed at your friend, you loved Sheamus with all your heart and you couldn’t be happier, but Finn was your first proper love, the first person who you thought you were going to marry and also your first proper heartbreak. Because of that you didn’t know if you could handle those feelings all over again. Unfortunatly you didn’t have a chance to choose as you ran into somebody. You had really got to stop doing that.

“Woah sorry I…” You quickly whipped your head up recognising that voice anywhere. You looked up to met with those piercing blue eyes you’d once fell in love with. “(Y/N)…”

You quickly picked yourself up from his grasp and straightened out your shirt. “Ferg……I…. It’s good to see you.” He smiled and lightly rubbed the back of his neck.

“It’s good to see you too… you look beautiful.” Looking down at your feet you both blushed at his comment. “Sorry…I…..How’s married life?” Finn motioned to your left ring finger. “You and Sheamus seem very happy.”

“We are. It’s better than I coud have imagined.” You smiled and both fell into a silence as the backstage crew continued to bustle around you.

“I should really get going, I’m supposed to be meeting Sheamus. Congradualtions on your match tonight…I guess I’ll see you around.” You turned to leave but Finn grabed your wrist gently pulling you back to him. He quickly removed his hand as if he felt some kind of spark, possibly the same spark you felt shoot throught you when he touched you.

“Sorry…..I… I just wanted to say that what happened all those years ago,  although we thought it was for the best…..I…..I’m not sure it was…..”

“Ferg please don’t…”

“Just please….let me finish…I’ve kept this secret for so long.” You sighed nodding, seeing the confict going on inside him, even after all these years you could still read Finn like a book. “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.” 

“What are you on about?” Instinctivly you grabbed your wedding band and engagement ring getting defensive.

“Sheamus thinks he got you a real one but compared to the one I got you I can see it’s fake….” you stepped back slightly, did you hear him right? “umm….yeah before we broke up I was actually planning on proposing to you.” He sighed seeing the shock on your face, you took another couple of steps back almost falling over a box in the process. “I haven’t dated anyone since, I was…..I still am in love with you, and it broke my heart when I found out you’d moved on.”

“And you’re breaking mine. Did you think that telling me all this would make it better? Fergal it took me years to get over you and honestly I’m not completely sure I’m 100% over you. You knew what I wanted and part of me was hoping we could try again but you made no attempt to return any of calls or texts so I moved on with my life.” You could feel the tears brimming in your eyes, you should have left when you had the chance.

“One thing I don’t understand is why Sheamus, we have the same job and when we ended things you said you didn’t want to deal with the distance.” Finn started to sound a little annoyed, was he trying to blame you for this?

“And at the time I couldn’t. You’d be in Japan and I’d be stuck back in Ireland. But When I met Sheamus I got a promotion to their American offices! Thats a little different than Ireland and Japan!” You’d started to raise your voice and people around started to look to see what all the commotion was. You stepped closer so you could lower your voice, you definatly didn’t want to end tonight by creating a scene at your husbands work place. “When we broke up all those years ago we both agreed it was for the best, and for me it turned out to be the right choice. I’m sorry it didnt turn out that way for you but do not try and turn this around on me.” You had no idea how long you’d been stood talking to Finn, but it must have been a while because next thing you know Sheamus is stood next to you, wrapping and arm around your waist.

“Everything alright here?” Sheamus glanced between the two of you, rubbing soothing circles in your side trying to calm your tension.

“Yeah I was just coming to find you. Could you give me one more minute? I’ll meet you by the car.”

Sheamus glanced over at Finn. “You sure love?” He mumbled so Finn couldn’t hear, you nodded your head smiling at him before pulling him down for a kiss. He gave you a gentle squeeze before throwing a final warning glance at Finn, turning to head to the rental car.

“I’m sorry.” Finn mumbled, noticing how happpy you were with Sheamus and you could see the tears starting to roll down his cheeks. “Let’s just forget this ever happened. For the sake of work I won’t make things awkward for you and Sheamus.”

“It’s okay, I’m sorry too, I didnt wan’t to come off as a bitch tonight but I guess that already happened.” You both chuckled lightly and you found yourself reaching up to brush his tears away smilling sympathetically at him. “So thank you, that means a lot to me. I know it’s hard Finn but you will find someone who loves you as much as you deserve to be loved, and once you find her you’ll be so happy. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be me.” Stepping away from Finn you smiled at him one last time. As you walked away you didn’t hear what Finn muttered to himself.

“I already found her, and she just broke my heart for a third time.”

Prompt from this list.


anonymous asked:

Do you have any advice for wanting to come out but not being able to?

Where do I begin
Thank you for trusting me enough to ask, and hopefully my answer can help.

Let me tell you my story, and hopefully offer some good advice.

When I was thirteen and kissed a girl for the first time I assumed I was lesbian. Then kissed a boy and was sure I was Bi. Fast forward several years, and I am now 100% comfortable saying identifying as pansexual. It took me several years to realize this, and age had a lot to do with it. I can’t say what you do/do not identify as, of course, but make sure you know in the deepest parts of your soul because coming out as one identity then changing it– WHICH IS COMPLETELY FINE– opens you up to a whole lot of hate from some very stupid people. When I came out as lesbian, my family was horrified. And I felt 1000x worse when a few years later I realized I ALSO liked boys, and all I could do was think that I had been lying to myself and everyone else for years.

I came out as pansexual to my best friend. She is a perfect pure soul that I have shared my body my soul and several boyfriend/girlfriends with and when I came out to her she simply kissed me and told me that I was still perfect. Her knowing was more Important than my family OR my boyfriend at the time.

I didn’t come out because I needed to change my relationship status, I came out because I needed to define myself to MYSELF. I feel freer because of it, no longer guilty over which gender I am drawn to, and no longer guilty about who I choose to spend my nights with.

I am 27, and age I think has a lot to do with how/when/who you come out too.

I think first, you need to know which sexuality/identity/gender you are coming out as. People (even loved ones) can be terrible with their comments and questions, and being 100% sure of who and what you identify as will give you so much confidence during the talks.

Choosing who to come out to is huge. My family has no need to know that I am pansexual, and until I bring someone home for them to meet that is not their ideal picture of a cishet male, we have no reason to have that conversation. My bestie on the other hand, I wanted her to know because she has been a soulmate for me for years and I love her. Co workers, acquaintances don’t need to know. I think sometimes people feel like they have to come out to the ENTIRE world and honey that’s just not true. Sometimes coming out to ONE person means more than anything else.

Also, sweetheart, please think of WHY you are coming out. I needed to define myself for MYSELF, not for anyone else. Don’t come out because you feel you have to to prove a point, or come out because you are being pressured. In your own time, darling, and in your own way.

Be prepared for (sometimes awful) questions and people being rude even if they think they are joking.

But also be prepared for the peace that comes with knowing you are finally able to be who you are meant to be. The joy that comes with any guilt(in my case) or insecurities being lifted from your shoulders because you don’t have to hide anymore.

And above all else, honey FUCKING SHINE no matter who or how you identify, because you are perfect anyway.

I hope this helps
I hope you feel as if you can talk to me more if you need

PS don’t feel like you can’t come out. All it takes is one person knowing to ease that burden honey. Your sexual identity shouldn’t be a burden ever but if it, just tell one person. One who can have your back. Who can cheer you on. One person who can listen and talk and share things with you.