please know that i loved you
wholly, utterly, consumingly
i loved you when you were broken
when you were throwing up with the stink of booze clinging to your throat
curled up miserably in a train seat with empty hands
and even when you wouldn’t get out of bed, having covered yourself in depression and blankets and the refusal to shower
i have always loved you despite everything
(i wish i was a better sister.
i wish i loved you for your faults, not in spite of them
but i am only human
and my own faults are tearing me in half)
i don’t know why.
blood goes a long way
i cannot love you any longer
because my love turned me into a giver
and you have, at heart, forever been a taker
you took and took and took
until i had nothing left to give
you are scraping clawed hands at the emptied end of an abyss
trying desperately to find something else
a dreg of myself left over for you to consume
but i am hollow
and you were not made to fill
i loved you
please know that
because i have stopped giving
and you only love me when you can take.
— i am a hollow lover, hands open as my heart // H.S.