this thing handles like a cow

The Wit of PG Wodehouse

“Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.”

“I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”

“She looked away. Her attitude seemed to suggest that she had finished with him, and would be obliged if somebody would come and sweep him up.”

“Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.”

“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”

“A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life’s gas-pipe with a lighted candle.”

“Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or fattening.”

“As for Gussie Fink-Nottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.”

“This is a bit steep, Jeeves!”
“Approaching the perpendicular, sir.”

“Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.”

“I’m not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it’s Shakespeare who says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.”

“There is enough sadness in life without having fellows like Gussie Fink-Nottke going about in sea boots.”

“A slight throbbing about the temples told me that this discussion had reached saturation point.”

“At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.”

“This was not Aunt Dahlia, my good and kindly aunt, but my Aunt Agatha, the one who chews broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth.”

“Like so many cows, it lacked sustained dramatic interest.”

“It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can’t help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet.”

“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”

“Out on the course each morning you could see the representatives of every nightmare style that was ever invented. There was the man who seemed to be attempting to deceive his ball and lull it into a false security by looking away from it and then making a lightning slash in the apparent hope of catching it off its guard. There was the man who wielded his mid-iron like one killing snakes. There was the man who addressed his ball as if he were stroking a cat, the man who drove as if he were cracking a whip, the man who brooded over each shot like one whose heart is bowed down by bad news from home, and the man who scooped with his mashie as if he were ladling soup.”

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

“What ho!” I said.
“What ho!” said Motty.
“What ho! What ho!”
“What ho! What ho! What ho!”
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

“She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when’.”

“I always advise people never to give advice.”

“If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine.”

“It was one of those parties where you cough twice before you speak and then decide not to say it after all.”

“I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.”

“If he had a mind, there was something on it.”

“The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.”

“Jeeves lugged my purple socks out of the drawer as if he were a vegetarian fishing a caterpillar out of his salad.”

“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.”

“He resembled a minor prophet who had been hit behind the ear with a stuffed eel-skin.”

“I don’t suppose she would recognize a deep, beautiful thought if you handed it to her on a skewer with tartare sauce.”

“Before my eyes he wilted like a wet sock.”

“There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself 'Do trousers matter?’ ”
“The mood will pass, sir.”

“I have no doubt that you could have flung bricks by the hour in England’s most densely populated districts without endangering the safety of a single girl capable of becoming Mrs. Augustus Fink-Nottle without an anaesthetic.”

“It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn’t.”

Single most important thing for a veterinarian to remember about the species they are treating

As vets we have to retain an awful lot of knowledge about a bunch of different species in our brain, but I could only impart one factoid onto a new vet for each species, these would be it.

Dog: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong, in a German Shepherd

Cat: Species most likely to send you to the hospital.

Horse: Species most likely to send you to the morgue.

Cattle:  Hygiene and lube.

Sheep: Not little cows!

Goats: Not funny sheep!

Deer: Don’t. Just shoot them.

Birds: No diaphragm, if you squeeze them they will die.

Raptors(eg eagles) : Much easier to handle with a sock over their head.

Chickens: If it’s egg bound there is no such thing as too much lube.

Water birds: Projectile feces. Aim with care.

Rabbits:  Drug sensitivities

Guinea Pigs: Lethal penicillin

Rats & Mice: It’s going to be a tumor.

Snakes: Don’t leave them in a cage. They get out.

Lizards: 90% of the time it’s a husbandry problem

Aussie mammals: Don’t wrestle wombats, you can’t win.

Fish: You can MacGuyver an anesthetic rig from two buckets, some tubing, a straw, a clean cat litter tray and some alfaxan. Do not use electro-cautery on a wet fish.

Ferrets: Most of their problems are from the same area; the kidneys, adrenals and ovaries seem to be part of a club to cause havoc for this species.

Pigs: Wear ear muffs, because they scream like you wouldn’t believe, and remember that they’re bred for meat, which is muscle and they know how to use it.

This is not an attempt to condense veterinary medicine into a few dozen sentences. But if you can only remember one thing, make it a useful one.


(Official Disclaimer)

Holy cow, never ever ever let stress get to an INTP. They honestly cannot handle it. They must not be used to it or something, because in my experience INTPs freak out in the most passive-aggressive way imaginable and start micromanaging everything that moves. It’s truly horrifying. Like good grief, guys. An INTP I knew was freaking out so badly he was trying to micromanage a very, very capable team of two ENTJs and one ISTJ. Like, whoah… we’ve got this. Chillax.

Another thing INTPs can stumble on is not knowing when to back off the joke. INTPs have this adorable Super Troll hidden behind their cute little faces and innocent demeanors. Sometimes that’s great and funny and cool. Other times INTPs can take the joke way too far and create serious resentments and enemies. Just be careful.

Also, get your shit together. Being weeks behind on your homework is not cool. Pull it together, manage your time more wisely, realize that being busy is not a valid excuse (everyone is busy, guys), and turn your stuff in on time. This is for your own good, I promise. Punctuality is a life skill.

anonymous asked:

I have a character who needs to pass as human to go on a mission to Earth. Unfortunately, having goat horns is not a good way to pass as human. She will need to have them removed, but she doesn't have official permission to do so, so she'll have to do it herself. She has access to a library specializing in related topics, and she *might* be able to find someone willing to help her, although it would be nice if she didn't have to. She can also use magic to dull pain. How could I make this work?

Introducing our first answer from Dr Dactyla, the new mod for ScriptVeterinarian.

So, as I see it, your character will have four problems to overcome: getting the horn off without damaging anything else, controlling pain, preventing extensive blood loss, and closing the skin over the horn stump.

Let’s start with the first issue. It’s going to be a bit more complicated if your character has true goat horns, rather than just goat-like ones. This is because adult goats (and other ruminants, like cows) have an open space at the base of the horn that communicates with the sinuses in their skull. The sinuses, in turn, are only a thin slice of bone away from the brain. By removing the horn, you create an opening into the sinuses, and it’s not a great idea to get an infection in there. Here is an image of the sinuses and their out-pocket in the horn (a.k.a. the cornual diverticulum) in a cow:

(Image is from: Textbook of Veterinary Anatomy by Dyce, K.M., Sack, W.O. and Wensing, C.J.G.)

If the character’s horns are only goat-like, though, they could be solid bone at the base. That would simplify things considerably.

Theoretically, the character could perform the actual removal of the horns by themselves using the same obstetrics wire vets do. The angle might be a little uncomfortable, but the basic idea is to wrap the sharp wire around a pair of handles to protect your hands and then saw back and forth with it until it does the job. The trick would be in preventing the wire from coming into contact with skin, hair, or anything else you don’t want damaged or tangled up.

You mentioned that the character can control pain magically, so I won’t go into the specifics of how we anesthetize goats for dehorning here. It’s probably more than enough to know that there are two nerves which are responsible for sensation from the horn, and we anesthetize (or “block”) them near the base of the horn via injections.

Lastly, we need to contend with the blood flow to the horn. Horns have a keratin covering wrapped around a core of bone, and bone is a living tissue which correspondingly needs a blood supply. Depending on how close to the skull your character makes the cut, there could be multiple blood vessels severed. If your character also has the ability to magically stop blood flow, they could probably manage this whole shebang solo; if not, they’re going to need a partner in crime to stop the bleeding, through some version of clamping, tying off, or cauterizing the arteries in question. Be careful with heat this close to the skull proper, though, as the brain is both closer and less tolerant of heat damage than you might think.

After all of this is said and done, the character will still have to find a way to close the skin over the spots where the horns were. If they can magically knit it together, you’re home free; otherwise, while it’s again theoretically possible to suture your own forehead, it’s not easy. They may need someone to do this for them, if for no other reason than that trying to sew backwards via mirror reflection is a pain.

With the skin closed, in the true goat horn scenario, the remaining holes in the skull will eventually fill in some with new bone, but it will take a while and the character might want to wear something to cover the spots in the meantime.

- Dr Dactyla


Veterinary medicine is really weird

Today, I had a “lab” at my school’s dairy farm where we practiced basic cow handling skills, PEs, and other diagnostic tests. While there, I suddenly started reflecting on how WEIRD veterinary medicine can be. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy lately, but I feel like human doctors probably take some things for granted. Do MDs ever genuinely fear for their lives/bones when they approach a patient for a routine blood draw or a rectal temp? Does part of their basic physical exam training include how to tie a quick-release knot and how to run away if your patient throws a temper-tantrum? I literally wrestled with a 1,200-1,800lb creature today, sticking my entire wrist between her teeth just to restrain her head. I don’t even lift weights (bro); how am I qualified to do this?? 

What a strange career path I’ve chosen. I fucking love it.

Story #3

There’s this guy I just recently got to meet we have been chatting along time over the net but we never met in person.. Anyway we finally met we went out for coffee and movies all the usual things but I could tell there was something different with this guy so one night I asked him and he said he doesn’t think I could handle knowing.. Well of course that made me even more curious so I kept bugging him about it then one night he finally said ok and said come with me he took me back to this big house he lived in and took me to the basement when I walked in I didn’t know what to think it was all done up like a barn with the cow pumps and everything I wasn’t sure what to think I asked if he had cows and he said not right now but I’m in the search for one hucow and I didn’t know what that was so he explained and I thought he was crazy so I left them later that night I did some research on it and it actually sounded kinda interesting so I went to his house one late night and said can u train me?… He just moved to the said so I could come in we went to the basement and he hooked me up to the chains and the pumps it felt different but I think I like it and he said just let me do my thing and I promise ull like it.. He started to kneel down behind me and he slowly pulled my panties to one side he started to lick my clit as I got wetter and wetter I started to moaned then he pulled out his big hard cock and rammed it deep inside my tight pink cunnie and kept pounding me hard from behind has my udders where pumping hard from the pump my body was getting weaker and weaker I started spraying outa my nipples and then I melted around his big hard cock as I felt him cum deep inside me and he whispered in my ear I’m going to bred my lil cum cow.. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before when we where done he asked if I wanted to be his cum cow And with no hesitation I said yes and from that day on he is my master and he breds me and milkes me day in and day out

Country Girls as Fungi

Tsugunaga Momoko: Bleeding tooth fungi, a monstrosity. But she’s really sweet so be nice please. But god those things are horrifying. 

Yamaki Risa: Turkey Tail Bracket fungi. Ugh look she’s so fashionable and modern I cannot handle her beauty. Relies on tall things and is edible.

Morito Chisaki: Earth star puffball mushroom. It’s cute, adorable, and a star. Can also grow on cow manure. 

Ozeki Mai:  Cryptococcus gattii, deadly and poisonous. Like seriously she’s deadly and you should like, stay away?? 

Funaki Musubu: Death cap mushroom. Do you see that???????? DEATH? DANGER? SMALL AND DANGEROUS.

Yanagawa Nanami: Veiled Lady mushroom cause we all know she’s getting married to Mofuo.

i’m literally researching fungi
i can’t do this i’m sorry lol - admin kappa

I found this on Facebook! A wonderfully worded response to a STUPID video!

Ok, here we go… I said I would post a response to this video, once I gathered my thoughts. It took me a little longer than I wanted it to, but I finally have a few minutes to myself, so here I go…
Before I start, I just want to day that I am not an expert, or professional, etc. I am someone that works in the dairy industry, loves animals, and has some dairy education and experience from a few different places.
I usually don’t speak up when it comes to things like this, but enough is enough. I just can’t let this one go.
Everything that I am about to type, is based on my own personal experiences - whether on a farm or in the classroom.
I am going to respond in order of things mentioned in the video, so it will be easier to follow along - for those that want to.
Warning: this is going to be long.
1) Yes, dairy farmers use artificial insemination. It is nearly painless to the animal, and gets rid of the dangers (to animal AND human) of having a bull around.
2) We do not do it “over and over”, if she is referring to the A.I. process. Straws of semen cost money. We want them to conceive on the first try. If she’s referring to getting them pregnant “over and over”, well most farms have a minimum of a 60 day “voluntary waiting period”, which is the length of time given to a cow, after she gives birth, until the time she is inseminated. A cow’s gestation period is 9 months.
Some heifers are 12 months old when they are bred - some aren’t. Generally, it doesn’t go by age, but rather, by body size. Each heifer is different. It is a judgement call for someone with experience.
If a heifer gets too big (old) and fat (which she will) it becomes less likely that she will “settle” (get pregnant), and if she does, she is likely to experience difficulties while calving. A fat dairy cow or heifer is NOT a good thing)
3) I love how she says that farmers “jack off a bunch of bulls”… Sheesh! Grow up, will ya?
High quality (tested) bulls are kept at very nice facilities (usually owned by companies that sell semen).
Sometimes, the bulls are taught to mount dummy (fake) animals (a large, padded structure) while a person holds a container to collect the semen, that is designed to feel like a cow’s vagina.
Yes, sometimes an electroejaculator probe is used instead. It isn’t at bad as it sounds. And no, it isn’t “basically a big cow dildo” - what is with this girl?!
It is inserted into the bill’s rectum and it gives off a series of small electrical pulses (not shocks) which stimulates the bull to ejaculate.
These bulls are worth a lot of money, and are treated very well. They’re fed a high quality diet - designed by nutritionists - and are kept in clean, well-ventilated facilities.
They literally eat, drink, poop, sleep, play and “donate” semen… Rough life, huh???
4)The industry does NOT call it a “rape rack”… If we do, it is to mock idiots, like the woman in the video. The animal is restrained in a headlock or a chute, to ensure the safety of the animal and the person doing the insemination.
By the way, the picture shown in the video, when she says “rape rack” is actually a “rotary parlor” - where cows get milked while slowly going around, like they’re on a carousel. Breeding does not take place there. Again, she is an idiot.
The “long tube” is actually called an Artificial Insemination gun. It is basically a long, skinny syringe. The semen straw is loaded in the end of it, then guided through the cervix and into the uterine body and/or uterine horns, where the semen is deposited.
5) Yes, while doing A.I., a person must insert their arm into the rectum. This is NOT to “loosen the area” (or whatever ridiculous thing she said)… It is simply to guide the tip of the A.I. gun in the right direction to pass through the cervix. There are many folds inside of a cow’s vaginal tract, and a series of cartilaginous rings in their cervix. It takes a lot of practice feeling around, and knowledge of the anatomy of a bovine reproductive tract to be successful at A.I. breeding.
6) “Got Beastiality?” … Really?! C'mon. Cows and heifers need to get pregnant in order to lactate and be valuable assets to the business. Doing A.I. is just another job on the farm. It is not “Beastiality”. Ugh.
7) Yes, calves are taken away shortly after birth. Usually, after the mother licks it off, because it stimulates the calf and dries it off. That is, IF the mother is willing. Some cows want absolutely nothing to do with the calf. Some cows do get upset when you take the calf away, but they are completely over it within minutes. In fact, some cows show more frustration over taking a calf away that didn’t even belong to them! It’s new, it smells funny, it moves and makes noise, and cows are naturally curious. I do want to point out, though, that I am ONLY talking about dairy cows - not beef. Beef cows have STRONG maternal instincts because they’ve been bred that way. Mothering abilities/maternal instincts are not focused on in the dairy industry, becuase it is simply not needed.
Calves are taken away for a number of reasons. Overall, it just isn’t practical to keep all of the calves with the cows. Unless they are outside, in a large area, the calves will get stepped on/laid on and killed by the cows… It is easier to care for/monitor calves, and treat sick calves, if they are seperated. That way, we know exactly how much milk (colostrum) each calf gets, and we are able to make sure it is high quality colostrum, because each cow’s first milk (“colostrum”) is tested.
Calves are born with no immune system, and they need a certain amount of high quality colostrum to receive an ideal amount of immunoglobulins through passive immunity (passed on to the calf, by its mother, through her colostrum, and absorbed in the calf’s gut) within a short period of time.
Remember, calves are the future of every dairy farm. We want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, high-producing cows. Why would we harm them in any way?
8) The way the calves are being handled in this video is NOT acceptable, and is not a fair representation of the dairy industry. Like anything else, there are always “bad guys”. Unfortunately, the bad ones are the ones that get the most publicity. Over time, the public starts to perceive the awful things they’ve seen as “normal”. It is not.
9) Ok, now we’re at the part where the cow is mooing. The woman in the video says she is searching for her baby. I suppose it is a possibility - However, I’d be willing to bet all of the money I have, on the fact that this cow is simply mooing. Cows do this. It is the noise they make. If you are 10 minutes late feeding them, and they hear a tractor start up, you’ll hear an entire cow choir start doing this.
If a cow is in heat (estrus), she will do this until she annoys the heck out of you.
If another cow is moved to a different pen, she will do this. If you move a cow’s friend (yes, they have friends) to another pen, they will both do this. There are MANY reasons for a cow to “moo”.
From my experience, the sound that a cow makes when she doesn’t want you to take her calf, is a completely different sound… Lower tone, more of a humming/grunting noise.
Again, totally different situation with beef cattle.
10) “If it’s a male, its throat is slit and sold for veal”. Wrong! Yes, some bull calves are raised and then sold for veal. If so, they are raised at veal raising facilities. The way they are raised is not the responsibility of the dairy farm. They way they are killed is not the responsibility of the person(s) raising the calves.
Many veal calves are killed humanely.
Many calves aren’t raised for veal, but instead, are sold at sale barns and end up at feedlots - where they are fed until they are fully grown, then slaughtered for beef.
11) Yes, dairy cattle only produce milk after calving. Yes, a good dairy cow will give birth to many calves in her lifetime. It is what they’ve been bred to do.
However, each cow is given a break, called a “dry period”. Approximately 2 months before she is due to have her calf, a cow is no long milked. She will be given a special diet that is adjusted by dairy nutritionists, to give the cow and unborn calf all of the nutrition they need to be healthy, without the cow getting too fat. She is no longer using energy to produce milk, so she can gain weight very quickly. “Dry cows” are often let outside to graze, and spend all day being lazy.
12) This woman claims that keeping a dairy cow lactating causes mastitis (inflammation/infection of the udder)… It does not “cause” mastitis. Infection from bacteria, viruses, injuries, etc. cause mastitis. However, usually only lactating cows (or cows that have lactated) get it, so…
I guess it’s kind of like saying you got into a car wreck becuase you were in a vehicle. Well, that may be true - you can’t be in a car wreck if you never get into one - but that also doesn’t mean that you WILL get into a wreck if you get into a vehicle, or that the act of BEING in a vehicle is the reason you got into a wreck.
13) “Sometimes filtered”… NO. It is a requirement to filter the milk at the farm. It is filtered before it even reaches the bulk tank. Did you know that farms that sell milk have to be inspected?
The quick picture that is shown of a disgusting filter is another unfair representation. “Somatic cells” are cells that the body (of every living animal) sheds - more so, when there is an infection present. All milk has somatic cells. It is natural. If cows didn’t have somatic cells, they’d have no way to fight off infection. Elevated levels of somatic cells usually indicate an infection, such as mastitis. It is not the same thing as pus in a pimple. She is simply trying to gross people out. If a cow has a high somatic cell count, or visable evidence of infection, or if she is treated with antibiotics to help get rid of an infection, her milk is not put into the bulk tank. It is either dumped or fed to calves. There are penalties for each bulk tank that has a somatic cell count over a certain amount, and premiums for each tank that is below a certain amount. Many people (including myself) drink raw (unpasteurized, unhomoginized) milk, straight from the bulk tank.
Do you think we would choose to drink pus??!
14)“Downer cows” - cows can go down for MANY reasons… Sickness, injury, slipping and falling, knocked down by another cow, etc. AGAIN, the video clips shown are not a fair representation of what goes on at most dairy farms.
The clip showing the cow’s back end being lifted by a skidsteer - Yes, sometimes we have to do that. A down cow is a dead cow. She needs to get to her feet. Sometimes, the only way to get her there is by using “hip lifts” - a tool that is tightened around the animal’s hip bones, so she can be lifted to her feet.
The clip does not show proper usage - she should be gently lifted until she can get her legs squarely underneath her body - NOT hung in the air.
All of the other hidden video clips that are shown just before and after that one are disgusting and shameful. Shame on those people for treating animals that way.
Whew… Ok, rant over. It felt good to get that out. If you made it this far, reading my rant, thank you.
Remember - things are not always as they seem, certain things are done for a reason, and if you want to know more, ask a farmer!
A good farmer will be happy to explain things to you, and show you around. Good farmers are proud of what they do.
A bad farmer will make excuses, because they have something to hide.

anonymous asked:

Prompt: Stan standing up for his chubby girlfriend after she was made fun of

(Also she has an amazing personality and such a beautiful mind but this is kinda focusing on her body)


-He always holds her hand while walking her home. It’s become a daily thing now.

-HIS GIRL GOT CURVES FOR DAYS AND HE LOVES EM. He could legit talk about her all day like look at that bOOTY™

-Henry and his goons are always calling her a cow and things like that. They are just jelly bc of her fabulousness.

-“Hey, Jew! Are you taking the cattle to the slaughterhouse?”

-Stan’s all like “oh shit what he say”


-His girl is all upset and everything but Stan is being Stan the MAN

-“She is NOT cattle! She is a human being!”

-Henry and everyone is laughing and making cow noises


-Y’all hear that? Yeah. That’s the sound of Stan breaking down the wall that’s labelled “Body Negativity”


-Henry is shook. Did noodle-head just say that to him? Ummm what does he do now?

-STAN FUCKING THROWS A ROCK AT THEM. (Like, at their feet not directly at them.)


-His girl is in tears. Her man is over here yelling at Bowers and talking good about her at the same time.

-Stan throws up a rude gesture and puts his arm over his girlfriend. “Come on, Babe. They wish they had you.”

Moral of the story: don’t fuck with Stan’s girlfriend

szhismine  asked:

You know I want that sweet bad Mike backstory ;))


Being a big brother is just HARD when you have completely unreasonably high expectations for yourself, yanno?

Anyway, big ol farmboy, first of seven, very eager to grow up and inherit his dad’s beard, because in this family, all their power was stored in their hair. It’s true. And dad had the best beard.

Things were pretty chill for a family who wanted to live on their own by trying to grow plants in a newly irradiated world. Like, okay the tomatoes have all been dying off, they won’t take root, except for these ones that look like potatoes on the inside. Okay, we can handle these… Potato… Tomatoes…? Also the cows are all coming out with two heads and no fur, but that seems to be working for them. Alright then.

What the FUCK is this?! Its… A fruit??? But it’s bumpy and purple and… On a tree… You know what, fuck it. Its good, who cares.

So yeah, really high expectations, dad said you’re the oldest so you gotta be a good example. Mike took that and turned it up to eleven, he didn’t wanna just be a good big brother, he wanted to be an actual comic book hero. Which was cool, when they were on the farm, learning music, singing songs, working the land, and being a hero meant things like being able to lift heavy things and doing his chores really quickly so he can help the others with their chores.

But then they grew up and couldn’t just stay on the farm anymore. There were, like, other people out there. Some just wanted refuge, others wanted to trade, and still others wanted to steal their shit. Sooooo okay now they gotta learn how to fight and shoot and stuff. Because isolation is just not a good way to stay alive, but strangers are dangerous. Turns out that Mike was an okay-ish farmer, but a damn good soldier.

Problems came when they left Mike out of the farm bubble to run errands on his own. Cause suddenly he was realizing that his siblings were MOSTLY safe back home, but HOLY SHIT THE REST OF THE COMMONWEALTH IS ON ACTUAL FIRE. Mike just couldn’t let that shit stand, he kept getting his dumb ass in trouble helping strangers getting attacked or lost. He was the post apocalyptic version of that kid whose always rescuing animals from bullies and then asking mom and dad if he could keep them.

Mom: “Hey Mikey, you’re late getting home from going to town and getting that stuff we needed, what gives?”

Mike: *covered in dirt and blood, carrying a stranger on his back* “Yeah uh, I ran into some trouble that could have easily been avoided.”

Shit got real when a woman named Anne Howard showed up. Now THIS lady, Mike decided, she had the right idea. Instead of being a dummy like Mike, trying to be the whole commonwealths dumb big brother, she wanted to start a whole group of dumb big siblings to bail the commonwealth out. Something about help at a minutes notice or something. The yellow jackets were a mistake.

But still it was like the planets aligned, the sun shone through the fallout right on that moment, and Mike decided to make the best dumb decision he’d ever make again, and join those guys in their impossible mission. He was a shit farmer, he really was, he only made up for it by being ernest and good at lifting things. But he was actually good soldier, and that’s what General Anne needed. So he became a Minuteman.

See the thing is though, he was only serving with them for like 10 years when they over stretched themselves and tried to take on some asshole mutants in downtown Boston. Mike needed some saving himself for once, and ended up getting caught in the tail end of a car explosion, landing straight into a nuclear crator that had filled up with nuclear water and damn near drowned. Came out looking like a raisin with no nose, and was real lucky he got to save his beard. Which was about the only thing he saved that day tbh.


He did actually retire a little while right about then, in Diamond city, and it was about a month before he wanted to go back. He was super pressured into it by his equally dumb little brother who’d stuck with him all that time, and Mike agreed on the promise that Bastion would retire soon too or Mike would come out of retirement again. They both lied, apparently. Cause then this lil brat adopted Mike as his new father figure, so he figured he could stand hanging around long enough for the kid to become an adult at least. Ghouls are immortal, so who gives a fuck about 6 or 7 years, right?

Didn’t have to wait that long though, since Diamond City ended up kicking his ghoul ass out. At least his portfolio for kicking ass was pretty good, cause they let him back in with absolutely no fuss. It might also have had to do with the fact that the minutemen had quickly begun to turn into a bunch of opportunistic assholes once the last general died.

I think we all remember Quincy. Mike and Bastion did too, that was the biggest shit show on the goddamn planet. Mike probably died at some point, the stars aren’t being very clear. He was also later experimented on, the stars are just straight up heckling us there.

After it was their job to get the band back together, take back the castle, pick a new general, and get the show on the road again. Helping to destroy the institute helped, finding a sweet place to settle near the Slig helped too. Few years pass, it’s reelection season again, and they wake Mike up by literally throwing the generals coat at him and telling him he has an office job now.

More IBD related tips

I saw your recent post about Crohn’s tips and thought I’d follow up with some more general IBD, IBS, and colitis related tips (with added omnivore wisdom). I was diagnosed with fairly aggressive ulcerative colitis something like two or three years ago, had a terrible flare up about six months after my diagnosis, and have been working on rigging my diet so that it doesn’t add to the problem. I also have a couple of family members with varying degrees of IBD and IBS, so this is sort of a compilation of what we’ve learned through the years. Keep in mind that every case is different and your mileage my vary.

What I can’t stress enough (and the previous submitter mentioned something very similar) is how important potatoes, eggs, rice, turkey, chicken, and smooth peanut butter will be during rough patches. They’re all relatively easy to cook and easy to digest, and you can spice them up with things that won’t aggravate your gastrointestinal (GI) tract. My favorite methods of delivery are over-easy eggs on toast (very light on the butter, cooking spray is a better idea if you’re really not up to anything exciting, and you can lightly season with herbs or salt and pepper), deviled egg salad (which is just my mom’s deviled egg recipe, very light on the mayo, yellow mustard, and salt and pepper to taste, mixed with the hard-boiled egg yolks in a bowl, and then I just toss in the chopped up egg whites), turkey/chicken burgers (which again, you can season how you like, I usually go for turkey, some bread crumbs, an egg, some salt and pepper and maybe some oregano all mixed up and made into patties), mashed potatoes (which can be made with chicken broth or sour cream instead of milk and butter, depending on how you handle different kinds of dairy), baked potatoes, chicken and rice, peanut butter sandwiches, and my unnamed weird hybrid hash made from an over-easy egg over leftover rice and crumbled turkey burger (egg cooked separately, rice and turkey burger warmed up together in a pan).

In general tips, if you do eat meat and fish, try to stay away from red meat and pork as much as possible, especially cured meats like bacon. Red meat and pork is harder to digest and cured meats (not sure why) can upset your GI system. Shellfish is almost always fine, and white fish is a good option.

Nuts and food that breaks down into hard nubs are usually no good, so if you like nuts, try smooth nut butters instead.

I just learned this recently, but many new studies are linking turmeric to easing of IBS type symptoms. Turmeric can be found in things like curry powder and yellow mustard, so if you know you can handle foods with those in them, definitely see if they help you!

Dairy tolerance varies from person to person, but most people with colitis tend to be lactose intolerant. Yogurt, especially greek yogurt, is low in lactose and can also be a way to get a little bit of fruit and sweetness. Goat milk (and cheese) can also be more easily digested than cow milk varieties, and as a general rule hard cheeses like Parmesan are usually better than soft cheeses like Brie and mozzarella. There are lactose free products available, as well as soy and rice alternatives, and I know for a fact that the Lactaid brand ice cream tastes just like regular ice cream. Also look into supplements that aid digestion of lactose if you’re super into dairy and don’t want to give it up (like me).

DRINK A LOT OF WATER! It’s good for you, and a lot of drinks have either tons of sugar or artificial ingredients that can disagree with your digestive system. If you like a bit of flavor, try tea, but stay away from coffee and soda if you can.

If at all possible, nix the acidic foods, especially tomatoes. Low acidity tomatoes do exist however, and my mom and I have been experimenting with adding baking soda to tomato sauce to counteract the acidity. I haven’t had as much trouble with acidic fruits, though, so try those if you’re up for it.

Fried and very fatty/heavy foods are also generally a no-no, as are heavily processed foods. This can be difficult because colitis and Crohn’s can leave you super exhausted and low on spoons, and most easily prepared foods are one or the other. Instant oatmeal is a good option, as are low sodium soups (I’ve found Progresso and Campbell’s Select to be pretty decent), and I always keep sliced white bread and smooth peanut butter on hand for sandwiches. Other options may work better for you, so experiment!

I know all of this can sound prohibitive and daunting, and believe me, cutting foods you love out of your diet is hard. Probably the most important thing to remember is moderation. Unfortunately, some of these things will make you feel sick, and that’s not great. But it’s much much better to allow yourself a small treat every now and then than to binge on something and get really sick. So know your limits and remember that your body is going to learn quickly whether or not it can handle something, so listen to it! You’ll both be much happier in the end!

the sings as things my biology teacher has said
  • Aries: "nobody wants a short german shepard"
  • Taurus: "*cold stare*"
  • Gemini: "that cheese cracker will not be talked about"
  • Cancer: "just replace the cows with dogs"
  • Leo: "none of you would be able to handle seeing me do the whip"
  • Virgo: "well you see if a male "cow" had milk it wouldn't really be milk"
  • Libra: "don't staple a paper like this, do it like THIS"
  • Scorpio: "no bueno"
  • Sagittarius: "so you get a black horse and a white horse and blend them togeth-...nO NO DONT DO THAT"
  • Capricorn: "wow thanks mrs. stankrauff i bought you lunch and got this kind of thanks"
  • Aquarius: "mrs. stankrauff wouldn't even be able to punch my face from her height"
  • Pisces: "well i know nobody likes notes and i dont like notes but hey guess what we're doing notes"

( A mixture of book & movie quotes !! The book sequels to come soon ! )

  • I’m not a celebrity. I am not the child of a celebrity. I have never been abused by, married to, or provided a kidney to a celebrity.
  • I do lead an unusual life.
  • Hey! No touchy-feely!
  • It’s too bad a car can’t love you back.
  • We are not strangers to ourselves, we only try to be.
  • What’s wrong? Is there anything I can do?
  • No. It’s something you’ve alredy done.
  • Her blood is in your pocket.
  • Most people would think that’s a weird thing to say, but you don’t think it’s very weird, do you?
  • Since I like my face the way it is, I learned how to handle myself.
  • The most identifying trait of humanity is our ability to be inhumane to one another.
  • Nothing is worse than being alone on the evening of the day when one’s cow had exploded.
  • Alliteration seems to offend people.
  • I may see dead people, but then, by God, I do something about it!
  • I’m sorry, but I do not have a “go easy” button!
  • Call me strange. Others do.
  • Perserverance is impossible if we don’t permit ourselves to hope.
  • Too much mystery is merely an annoyance. Too much adventure is exhausting. And a little terror goes a long way.
  • Being thing that can happen to a man/woman/person is a good man/woman/person.
  • Here in the summer desert, winter found my blood.
  • The dead don’t talk. I don’t know why.
  • Here we go again; busted furniture and shattered glass everywhere.
  • You so complicate my life.
  • He ran, and naturally, I gave chase.
  • Naturally.
  • Evil is coming.
  • Good morning, Elvis.
  • Some lives, conducted with grace, are beautiful arcs bridging this world to eternity.
  • You (We) are destined to be together forever.
  • I am not afraid of death. Of course, I’m not ready to go on a date with him either.
  • Would you throw yourself off of a cliff for me?
  • You reek of intelligence and integrity.
  • What’s with the cat ate the canary smile?
  • Tonight is date night.
  • We’re weird and screwed up, but we’re okay.
  • So, you deny me my weirdness but agree that I’m screwed up?
  • You won’t find the truth of life in morbidity, only in hope.
  • We may lack riches, but the greatest fortune is what lies in our hearts.
  • This town’s in serious trouble.
  • Do you see death in me?
  • There’s something about a dead guy trying to get a laugh that just bugs me.
  • Even in death, we still have the pathetic need to be liked.
  • I think you are adorable.
  • Adorable? Really? Puppies are adorable.
  • You are better than a bloodhound.
  • Sometimes complex and difficult moral choices are decided less by reason and by right than by sentiment.
  • This is bad for business.
  • Now would be a good time to run.
  • I found a gateway to Hell.
  • This place looks like a shrine—-a shrine to guys who like to make belts out of women’s nipples.
  • Did you check the refridgerator for severed heads?
  • Where else would you expect to find severed heads?
  • That sound periously close to bullshit.
  • You better not be hauling any dead guys on my scooter.
  • You’re not like most people.
  • We have a problem.
  • Does that mean get on with it, or up your’s?
  • My blood has cholesteral molecules the size of marshmallows in it, if it wasn’t for a little righteous outrage now and again, my arteries would completely collapse!
  • Time feels like a terrible black wave that wishes to crash down and engulf us.
  • Death is frequently the reward for the reckless and the timid alike.
  • We are not, however, a species that can choose the baggage with which it must travel. In spite of our best intentions, we always find that we have brought along a suitcase or two of darkness, and misery.
  • People scare me more than anything, for I know too well the savagery of which humankind is capable
  • If you see him reach into his pocket, he’s probably not going for a breath mint.
  • Fate is not a straight raod, there are many forks in it.

  • I promise you, on the other side of tomorrow, I will have all of my stuffing in tact.
  • If I get caught, I’ll either be arrested for murder, or for rolling what looks like the biggest joint ever.
  • I’m scared and I"m supposed to be fearless.
  • Shot dead? Really? Who does need it?
  • Do you love me?
  • I love you more than life itself.
  • Knock, knock!
  • I wish I’d listened to you.
  • This is our realm. You can’t physically him a living person.
  • One more and they could buy group health insurance, or form a rock band.
  • The joys of life can be found anywhere. Far places only offer exotic ways to suffer.
  • In the belly of Leviathan, one can either despair and perish, or be cheerful and persevere
  • Be happy. Perservere.

anonymous asked:

daiya is so gross to me and I really wana be vegan but I looooove cheese. daiya is like stretchy chewy and slimy and Is honestly just revolting ))): I'm so pissed

I loved cheese too. Everyone loves cheese, cheese is physically addictive. If you think vegan cheese is gross, I wouldn’t look into how actual cheese is made. Have you ever handled fresh mozzarella cheese? it’s chewy and very slimy. Put me off even when I wasn’t vegan. I’ve never experienced chewy or slimy daiya cheese, did you check the date? it’s still better than curds of pus'y boob milk, in all honesty. Daiya isn’t meant to taste like cows milk cheese, It has its own flavor. You don’t need any cheese, experiment with foods and dressings! I use mashed avocado in place of cheese in most things now, or vegan mayo. I don’t even buy daiya that much. p.s, I was the biggest cheese eater and now the smell pretty much makes me sick to my stomach. Tastes change.

He Worries About You Going Out Alone

‘But Zayn I need new a dress for tonight!’ You whined to your boyfriend Zayn 'No! Y/n I don’t want you to get brothered by the paparazzi’ Zayn said 'Zayn you don’t have to worried about, I’m a big girl and besides Y/Bff/N will go with me’ you said to Zayn. Zayn looked at me for the longest time 'hmm…fine!’ Zayn said 'Thank You!’ You said then kissing him 'Just be careful Y/n the Paparazzi can be rough’ Zayn said 'yeah, Zayn i’ll be careful, I got to go’ You said grabbing your coat and leaving.
Your P.O.V
I picked up Y/Bff/N and we went to a cute little boutique.
As me and Y/Bff/N were walking I saw a couple of Paparazzi behind us I started to walk faster into the store 'scary’ I heard Y/Bff/N say 'yeah’ I said looking at some dresses. After a couple mintues of looking I found some dresses and went into the dressing room to try them on as I was trying them on Y/Bff/N came in 'What the fuck?’ i said 'there is some girls asking for you!’ y/bff/n said 'really?’ i said 'yeah, you should just pick a dress so we can leave’ Y/bff/n 'ok’ i said Y/bff/N went out of the dressing room and you took of the dress that you wanted and went to go pay for it, as i was out of the dressing room i saw a bunch of girls, I smiled and went to the cash register 'thank you’ I said then leaving the store 'bye Y/n!’ one fan said, You waved after you went the Paparazzi were surrounding you and Y/bff/n 'shit’ i whisphered. I put my head down and started walking to my car 'Y/N! Smile!’ one guy with a camera said, finally we made it to the car 'thank god!’ Y/bff/N said 'I know, Zayn was right’ i said as we drove off. i went into the flat 'hey babe’ Zayn said as he kissed my cheek 'you were right’ i smirked 'of course i was’ Zayn winked 'whatever! I got the dress’ i said 'that’s good and i’m glad you’re safe’ 'thanks’.

General P.O.V.
You and Niall were shopping around London for his day off, as we were in a store for sports i got bored 'Niall? Can I go to Forever 21?’ I said making a pouty face 'eh I’m not sure Y/n and will go there iin 10 minutes after when I’m done paying for these’ Niall said 'ugh! Ok’ I said, Niall smiled when he wasn’t looking I dosed off to Forever 21 without no bodyguard, I thought nobdy would reconize me as I was looking around I noticed some girls whispering close to me, it didn’t brother me so I just kept looking around, than suddenly I felt a pat on my shoulder I turned and saw a bunvh of girls surronding me I gave a nervous smile 'can I have auotgraph?’ one asked 'uh, I’m s-sorry I can’t right now’ I said politly 'What a bitch!’ one girl said i looked down and got whati needed and went to the cash register I handed her money and left as I was about to leave the store all those girls were surrounding me 'uh e-excuse me’ i said 'NO!’ one girl said as she pushed me to the ground 'HEY!’ I heard a familar voice they all started screaming 'Niall!’ I said in relief I got up, 'Niall can you sign this?’ the girl who pushed me down said Niall gave a dirty look and we walked away 'Y/n I told you to stay with me’ Niall said I tell he was mad 'i’m sorry Niall I justed wanted to go alone because I know you would be bored’ I said 'it’s ok, how can I stay mad at you’ Niall smiled 'just don’t wonder off like that again you could of ask one of the bodyguards to come with you’ 'next time, Niall’.

Tonight was the night me and Harry go out for a Movie, just to keep things fun as we were in the Threatre in our seats waiting fior the movie to start 'do you want anything for the candy counter?’ I asked 'uh I’ll go Y/N’ Harry said 'No, Harry I’ll go!’ I said to Harry getting up from the seats 'Y/n I don’t want you to go’ Harry said 'awe, it’s ok i’ll be fine’ I said and walking away. I know Harry was worried about me going somewhere without him because of fans and Paparazi but I know I can handle it, while I was waiting in line I heard a couple of girls whispering and I heard one of them say my name, I didn’t care so the line was moving and it was my turn 'What can I get you?’ the person said 'uh can I get, Large popcorn and..’ I heard those girls behind laughing i ignored them 'and 2 medium pepsi and 2 Kit-Kat bars please’ I said 'ok’ the person on the resgister said 'wow! someone eats like cow!’ i turned around 'excuse me?’ I said 'you don’t have to eat all those things think about people who are starving’ one girl said 'there not for me’ I said 'than who are they for!?’ 'Me!’ I heard a familiar voice say it was Harry the gitls were so speechless 'Bye!’ I said grabbing our stuff 'you showed them!’ I laughed 'Totally!’ Harry said

Y/n’s P.O.V.
Liam didn’t like when I go out or wonder off alone without him or a bodyguard but I went out by myslef plenty of times and I was ok
'Liam! I’m going out to get some coffee!’ I yelled, I heard his footsteps coming down 'I’m coming with you!’ Liam said coming down wet with a towel on 'Oh my god!’ I said and started laughing 'what?’ Liam said his Towel fell off 'hey it’s not like anything you seen before’ Liam joked 'well you stay and bathe and I’ll buy you a bagel’ I said leaving. Starbucks was just a 5 minute walk as I was walking into Starbucks I got a call from Liam 'yess?’ I said into the phone I looked around to see some Girls looking at me I gave a weird look 'Y/n! I don’t want a bagel!’ Liam whined 'and be careful there some hateful girls’ Liam said 'I’m ok, Liam there is only a little bit of people here anyways and no bagel?’ I said 'well ok be careful and no bagel i want a cake pop’ Liam said 'ok, I’ll be home in 10’ I said and closing my phone. 'Hello what can i get you?’ the peron behind the counter said 'uh I’ll just have a Passion fruit punch and 4 cake pops please’ I said and handedher the money as I was waiting sitting down on a table a girl came sit with me 'hi’ she said 'hi’ I said and smiled at her 'so your with Liam from One Direction?’ 'uh yeah i am’ I gave a nervous smile 'he was so much better with Sophia!’ she spatted 'Y/n?’ the person yelled and it was my order I got up right away 'thank you!’ I said i quickly ran out and went straight back to the flat and I noticed when I walking the girl I was talking to and her friends were following me 'shit’ I whispered when I was outside me and Liam’s flat i was relieved and saw Liam shirtless smiling at me, I smiled back and waved when suddenly I felt someone turn me around I felt a sting on my cheek 'OW!’ I yelled and i was about to fall suddenly i felt someone catch me it was Liam 'get away!’ I heard Liam say to the girl who slapped me 'Liam Listen It wa-’ 'SAVE IT!’ Liam cut her off 'lets go Y/n’ Liam grabbed and went into the flat 'Thanks Liam i should of listen to you’ i said feeling my cheek 'does it hurt?’ Liam said asking about my cheek 'Yeah a little’ I said, Liam kissed my cheek. i smiled


Ever since Louis and Eleanor broke up 1d fans thinks it was me who broke them up which wasn’t true so now I can’t go anywhere alone without Louis or a Bodyguard it kinda sucks, when Louis was on tour we were skyping we were talking about how I can’t go anywhere without him or a bodyguard which wasn’t needed 'awe. I’m sorry Y/n I just don’t want you to get hurt’ Louis said 'it’s ok’ I gave a weak smile to him 'well i think I should go to bed now, i’m tired’ I yawned 'well ok goodnight babe’ Louis smile 'Love you!’ I said 'Love you too’ Louis said and closed the computer i went to the washroom when I was toilet I had my period 'crap’ i said i looked into the cupboard I got a pad and that was the last one when I was done I was about to call one of the bodyguards but then it would be awkward, I thought what the hell nobody would notice me then I got my coat and went into my car to go to the shop, when I walked I looked threw the stores and saw the section for woman needs as I was looking I saw some girls looking at me 'Wow! In pictures you look way prettier!’ one girl said, i ignored her and went to the register and payed for my stuff as I went out those girls were following me to the car 'Slut! You were the reason why Louis broke up with Eleanor!’ one girl said then punched me to the ground 'Slut!’ a girl said and left. I started to cry i went home. The Next Day i looked in the mirror my cheek was puffy and red i touched it and it hurt i cried, i heard the door open 'Y/N!’ I heard Louis’ voice, I got scared put my hand on my cheek I went down stairs to see Louis 'LOUIS!’ I yelled 'hey babe’ he said, 'whats wrong?’ he asked 'nothing’ I looked down then he moved my hand from my cheek he gasp 'what happened?’ Louis said softly 'nothing, i fell’ 'doesn’t look like it, Y/n tell me the truth!’ 'well after our call…I got my period and i needed some pads and i went to the store some girls were following me to the car and one punched me and called me slut’ i said looking down 'oh, Y/n’ Louis pulled me into a hug 'how come you didn’t call one of the bodyguards?’ 'because it would be to embarrassing’ 'i’m sorry Y/n’ Louis said 'It’s not your fault’ i said .